"This.....this doesn't exist anymore." Stevie angrily told me this one night. There was more to what he was saying than you can even imagine.
It's so true. This doesn't exist anymore. The smiling faces of a family of five. Mom, Dad, two sweet boys, and a precious baby girl. It doesn't exist anymore.
I wish I could explain to you all the meaning that statement had behind it..... but.....for now, at least..... I can't.
The obvious part is that after May 7, 2013 the family pictured above ceased to exist. That's the day our sweet baby girl took her last breath....laying in my arms.....surrounded by close family and friends.
So much has changed since that day. The picture was actually taken just a few days before God took my sweet baby girl to spend eternity with Him. So much had already changed in our family...Some things changed in ways we didn't want or expect, but so many more things changed for the better.
Over the past few years, I also changed in ways I never wanted or expected. I also changed in ways that I never knew were possible - both good and bad....
I questioned my place with God....and I found peace with Him....
I fell away from Him and held a grudge so large that I didn't even admit it was there....
I chased happiness doing church things and then things that God nor many others would approve of....
I lost the peace....I lost my assurance....or rather, I let it slip away....
It seemed to happen so slowly that I wasn't even aware of what was happening....
Others could see it....some even tried to speak it, but I would hear none of it....
Walking in my house I only wanted to run away....looking at my family I only saw pain and death....I focused on the fact that I wanted to be somewhere else...I didn't know where, but I knew it wasn't here.... I was chasing peace and happiness....
Only, I forgot where that all resides.....
I forgot about the day I fell flat on my face in a hotel room praying for my sweet baby and knowing that I, nor a soul on this earth, could change anything that was happening. I prayed to God in a way I never had before. I didn't make any deals, I didn't ask for healing, I didn't ask for the pain to stop...I didn't even ask for him to save my baby girl or rescue either of us from the pain we were experiencing. I simply prayed for Him to take control.
...and He did...
....in such a BIG way....
...in a way I had only heard was possible.
God calmed my heart. He gave me peace. He took all of my worry away. He assured me that everything happening was only temporary and that He was in control. He assured me it wouldn't last forever, and He gave me the strength to make it through that night....and the next....and all the nights after that.
I hung on to that peace for a very long time. I'm pretty sure that peace sustained me through the day Zeta took her last breath and the days after.
Some time though....at some moment...the questions stirred in my mind again....why was this happening....was I being punished? Wasn't I good enough? Didn't I do everything right that I knew to do? Why then, did my baby die.....
I can look back now and see that I held those questions in my heart.....I was just too afraid to admit it or say it out loud. I was too afraid to feel my own pain. I was afraid of questioning God and losing my peace. I was dumb enough to believe that God could not handle the fiery balls of anger I held in my heart.
...but I know now it was there....I remember following children on facebook and not being able to finish reading some of their stories because they were too familiar. I remember questioning what kind of God would allow so many babies and children and families to suffer.....I remember all of the whys......
Thing is, I never would say "Why me God....Why my baby?"......but I know now that's what I was really wanting to say.....
Instead, I kept my feelings hidden....ha, as if God didn't know what I was thinking.....still, I was so great at hiding the true feelings from myself that I thought I could hide them from everyone else....including God.
What a stupid, human thing to think, huh?
Instead of hurling my angry comments and questions at God I started looking for my own peace.
I tried good things and not so good things. I tried 'God" things and not so Godly things.
I've spent nearly 3 years running from the anger, the grudges....the hate....the questions.....what I did finally realize is that at the same time I was also running from the love...the peace...the joy.
By the time I realized this is what I was doing I fooled myself into believing I was too far gone to ever find that peace again....I told myself this is just how it was going to be...
I'd find myself for a little while....I'd come close to feeling whole again and then I'd run......
I'd start to feel the pain and I would shut down....
I'd start to feel God and there satan would appear....ready to interest me in something that would lead me back away from God.
I'd start to feel God and I would shut Him out.
One thing that has amazed me throughout our journey is God's timing and some of the people He has surrounded me with....
There are people in my life who should have given up long, long ago....
There are people in my life that I know constantly say, "Ok God, when is she gonna wake up?" "When is she going to stop running?" "When is she going to remember that there are still two precious boys and a loving husband that need her?" When is she going to realize God never left?"
Truth be told, there have times I've even asked myself these same questions.....but I had convinced myself I had grown too far away to have the peace I once felt.....
I don't know if I didn't feel as though I didn't deserve forgiveness or if I was afraid that it wouldn't be given.....wow, what a disgrace to admit....that's saying that Jesus' death on the cross was in vain....what a typical non-believing thing to think....
I've always preached on my faith....I've always known that once you're saved that faith is the impetus that pushes you through....
Unfortunately, (or maybe very fortunately) my faith dwindled to that of the mustard seed....
(At least the mustard seed still existed, eh)
I still had faith that things here are only temporary....and I had faith that one day.... maybe..... I could find the peace I so longingly searched for.....
Notice the questions still laced in that thought? "Maybe" I could find that peace.....
The only thing that has kept me from that peace is myself.....
Only very recently have I fully decided that I'm tired of fighting this battle on my own.....only very recently have I turned back to give my full focus to God....and only very recently have I remembered that although the family pictured above doesn't exist anymore that there is a lot left to fight for....
I realized again that this hard life is only temporary......
I realized that although that family in the picture above doesn't exist anymore that I am still surrounded by two boys and a man that loves me.....
I realize what we have been through and all that is yet to come.
I realize that I've longed for the family pictured above to exist again....That I've been so angry that it was destroyed and torn apart.....I realize we did a lot of things on our own to try to finish destroying it....
Most of all, I realize that the family pictured there is not what I really desire.....The family pictured there is broken and imperfect....a family, that although filled with smiles and love, was also filled with pain and death and brokenness....the family I want is the family God created and put together.
I thought it began with a man and a woman that loved each other and created three precious lives....
I understand now that God created that man and woman with a free will to follow Him....to guide those children in His ways, and to seek eternity with Him....
So, while I'm going to enjoy the time I have left here as a part of this family, I'm also going to bask in the glory of the day we will all be together in eternity. The day when we are no longer broken....when there are no more tears....and no more pain.... when Zeta shows us how to dance with the angels....the day when we are all whole again.
I have no doubt that it will happen....we've all been blessed to experience and accept God's glorious gift of life....
....and I'm thankful for mercy and forgiveness....so much that has been shown to me that I have the ultimate duty and honor of sharing God's love for all of us.
Take it from me....there is nothing too hard for God....there's nothing so big or so horrible that God can't fix....there's nothing that says you can't change your life right now....It doesn't matter if you've never accepted God's gift of Salvation or if you feel like you've messed up a million times....God forgives....God heals....God loves....
God disciplines....but don't all good parents? Isn't that what we do? God loves you more than you can possibly imagine...His love for you is greater than any love you've ever given or received and that's a difficult thing to imagine....
Living for God isn't always the easiest thing to do....but it's definitely the best.
You're gonna mess up...you're gonna be judged.
You're gonna feel pain. You're gonna experience death and brokenness.
Wouldn't it be awesome to have a Hope for so much more? Wouldn't it be wonderful to be able to face the next second of your life believing that there's so much more?
