tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7922370250403670362024-03-14T01:19:56.508-04:00Unexpected BlessingsA journey of life, death, love.....Angelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06234552223438067797noreply@blogger.comBlogger170125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-792237025040367036.post-54512553831572541002020-11-22T18:26:00.000-05:002020-11-22T18:26:19.194-05:00AdvocateIt's relatively easy to be an advocate when you're advocating on behalf of
mistreated children or people that are dying.....
<br><br>
<br>Why? Well, because everyoneunderstands it's for a noble cause.
<br><br>
<br>Heck - people even find cause to praise you.
<br><br>
What about when you're advocating for things that the majority of people can't
agree on?
<br><br>
Well......let's just say that it's not so easy.
<br><br>
This past week has been.....mmmmm.... a little overwhelming.
<br><br>
I've said quite a few times before, I realize that because I speak out on certain things that I make myself quite the
target..... I think the absolute hardest part of it all is balancing what God
wants and desires versus what I want or what the people around me want.
<br><br>
You see
- what I want is to please EVERYBODY......ALL THE TIME.....
<br><br>
Now, add that to the
fact that I say I want to ADVOCATE for people..... .....or that I want to
advance change......
<br><br>
.....well those two things don't exactly always mix very
well together....
<br><br>
For those of you that don't know, I've become pretty involved
in local politics. Don't fret, I'm not a politician. I'm not running for office
and I've just about solidified the idea that I never will.....
<br><br>
Scary part is, I
think I'm making myself just as much a target as those sitting in charge (or
maybe even more) - at least when you're a politician you have at least one solid
group of people that have your back.
<br><br>
Unfortunately, when you're asking questions
you're bound to upset EVERYBODY.
<br><br>
I pointed this out to County Council the other
night - I told them I wasn't going to stand there and act like it wasn't awkward
that I had managed to upset or tick off every one of them - even though that has
never been my intent.
<br><br>
I left my office the other day several hours after I had
finished my work.
<br><br>
Why? Well, because I was busy trying to make sure I was
listening to concerns........ and following up with people who I may have
inadvertantly upset.......and researching ...
<br><br>
When I got home I was just so overwhelmed. I told Stevie, "I feel just like I
did when I spent all those days in the hospital with Zeta." My connection to the
world was through the internet and the rest of my day was always spent
researching diagnoses, treatments, doctors, insurance, etc. etc.
<br><br>
I was trying to
figure out how to "FIX" it, all by myself......only that's not how it works.
<br><br>
There is no magic button. There is no magic pill. There is no magic potion.
<br><br>
.....and I already know this....
<br><br>
.....yet, I go in full speed like I can make an
instant change or discover something that no one else has yet discovered and
then all will be well and everyone will live happily ever after.....
<br><br>
I
frequently print scripture and put it in places I see on a daily basis.
<br><br>
Some I
have printed right now-
<br><br>
Romans 12:2 - And be not conformed to this world: but be
ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what [is] that
good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.
<br><br>
Job 34:12 Of a truth, God will
not do wickedly, and the Almighty will not pervert justice.
<br><br>
John 17:17 “Sanctify
them by the truth; your word is truth.”
<br><br>
1 John 4:1 “Dear friends, do not believe
every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God, because
many false prophets have gone out into the world.”
<br><br>
James 1:5 “But if any of you
lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all generously and without
reproach, and it will be given to him.”
<br><br>
1 Peter 5:8 ESV Be sober-minded; be
watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking
someone to devour.
<br><br>
I struggle with why I feel inclined to keep looking into how
to help make things better in our county. I struggle with things that I say and
praying on whether or not it is God's will or my own.
<br><br>
As a matter of fact, I had
an all out temper tantrum with God just the other day. I'm not talking just "No
God I don't want to do this." I'm talking stomping my feet, shaking, crying -
scratch that - inconsolably sobbing and mentally screaming to God - "NO! I'm
done! I can't stand up to criticism. I want people to LIKE me. I don't want to
ask any more questions. I'm ready to move on to the next thing."
<br><br>
Do I sound a
little crazy to you yet?????
<br><br>
What makes it even more of a struggle is that there
have been plenty of other times I "thought" (or maybe REASONED) God was telling
me something and I had it absolutely all wrong.....
<br><br>
What makes it even worse is
the fact that not only have I been very vocal in this whole political
arena............I've also been very vocal about my FAITH AND GOD.
<br><br>
So......that
means, <i>any one thing</i> I screw up could nullify
<i>every single thing</i> I've said about God to <i>any one person</i> that is
watching me.
<br><br>
Ya'll......
<br><br>
It feels like the hardest burden some days.
<br><br>
So......I'm
yelling - I can't do it. I'm not perfect. I don't know all the stuff I'm
supposed to know. I want people to be happy. I have skeletons in my closet.
People are gonna attack me. I want positivity and happy endings and all I'm
finding is more questions. Somebody else would be better....somebody with a
bigger back bone than me...... No, God....I don't want to..... God....are you
really asking me to do this....or am I making this complicated and I can just
stop now and go back to "normal"?
<br><br>
Then I'm reminded that Satan uses every doubt
to hold us back from proclaiming God's glory. Whether or not God wants me
advocating for my neighbors or if it is self- motivated - that part I'm still
contininually praying over..
<br><br>
..but the part about telling you about how great God
is and the fact that He needs to be in every thing that we do.....well that part
- THAT PART is non-negotiable for me. He saved me from an eternity of feeling
burdened, broken, and defeated - so for that, I owe Him EVERYTHING and SO MUCH
MORE!!!
Angelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06234552223438067797noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-792237025040367036.post-58118006868577471472020-11-10T21:27:00.003-05:002020-11-11T06:45:43.210-05:00No more hurtMy heart hurts.
It hurts because kids are killing kids. It hurts because people
die too soon.
It hurts because people think if I disagree with them it means I
hate them.
It hurts because I see so many hurting. Kids killing kids......some
of them were mine. Maybe I taught them (or some like them) .....Maybe I fought
for them, maybe I loved them, maybe I cried with their moms and grandmas. Why
does it have to be like that? Why does Satan get to step in and convince these
kids that gangs symbolize brotherhood, sisterhood, and unity? It’s just a
trap....yet the longing to be a part of something.....anything....leads so many
astray.
...and people die too soon..... not just from gang violence, but from
all sorts of things.....
How do you explain to a mom who lost her grown son that God really does have some sort of plan in the midst of the most dreadful days of
her life. How do you convince her that it’s ok to be upset, mad, sad and confused .......but just not to stay there? Life isn’t easy. Truth isn’t always pretty. Your “truth” might be different from my “truth,” but facts are
facts.....Just because we view things differently doesn’t mean one of us is
better than the other. It doesn’t mean I wish you ill or harm. It simply means
we view things differently. My sin might be different from your sin....but sin
is sin. There is no hierarchy.
Family is everything.......only sometimes I
forget this. Sometimes I get so fixated on how the world hurts that I forget
that those closest to me might hurt sometimes too. I forget that I
hurt....really, it’s not that I forget......maybe it’s just that sometimes it
easier to focus on all the hurt around so I don’t think about my own....
......ever felt like that? ......like you want to fix everything....but you have
no idea where to start? .......like you failed at fixing your own things so you
have no business worrying about fixing anything else?
The world is full of
hurt....so much so that my head nor heart can imagine it all....
...but the one thing I don’t have to imagine is God’s love.... He’s proven it over and
over....
...when I’ve been mad, sad, and glad....and especially when my heart
hurts.... I can’t imagine how His heart hurt to send His Son to die on the
cross....to SEE Him BECOME SIN...to see every bad and unimaginable thing we
could ever do- all at once put into Jesus’ body....in order to save us from an
eternity of hurting hearts.
So, when my heart hurts I find comfort in knowing anything I experience or feel is NOTHING compared to what Jesus experienced on
the cross...to SAVE me...and to SAVE you.....
Wow.
Just....wow.
Psalm 94:19 When
I worried about many things, your assuring words soothed my soul.
Angelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06234552223438067797noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-792237025040367036.post-51615978906533309582020-10-03T20:06:00.000-04:002020-10-03T20:06:57.276-04:00Just Show Up<div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-hY4ol__I0gk/X3kRgWxPddI/AAAAAAAAAwg/1omrj1yaNDAKSJ6g4tfxa4hf180-aT5xgCNcBGAsYHQ/s474/3.jpg" style="display: block; padding: 1em 0; text-align: center; "><img alt="" border="0" width="320" data-original-height="355" data-original-width="474" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-hY4ol__I0gk/X3kRgWxPddI/AAAAAAAAAwg/1omrj1yaNDAKSJ6g4tfxa4hf180-aT5xgCNcBGAsYHQ/s320/3.jpg"/></a></div>
Just show up.
Sounds easy, right?
Only..... sometimes it’s not.
I mean, on any given day- any one of us can give a million reasons on why we don't show up.
"It doesn't matter.... my stomach hurts.... it's too hard....it's not a big deal- they won't notice....it IS a big deal- and I'm not equipped to handle it".....and the list goes on and on.
We can come up with infinite reasons on why NOT to show up.
Question is, are we as creative when coming up with reasons to actually show up.
I'm certainly not.
Let me give you a real-life example.
A friend recently lost her husband. They didn’t have a service immediately after his death, but waited instead. The service was actually today.
After he passed, I told my husband I wanted to go to his service. This friend had done a lot to quietly support me throughout Zeta's life and death. I wanted to show her a portion of that same support.
Now, you need to understand this about me. I don’t like "funeral, after-life, or celebration of life" services. There's certainly not anything wrong with them.... I’m just human, selfish, and self-absorbed. Gatherings to remember loved ones gone too soon make me uneasy. It's not I that panic or anything- I just don't know what to say- or how to act.... you know, normal stuff......I've been determined I WOULD show up today....only last night, I started having those conversations in my head about why it really wouldn't matter if I didn't show up....
....but I did....
....and let me tell you...I got a humble reminder about how important it was to "show up" today.
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Not only did my friend "notice" I showed up, she was humbled and so grateful that I showed up. The love and thankfulness in her heart showed me that showing up was absolutely meaningful to her in that moment of time.
Not only was I humbled by the love, appreciation, and awe my friend showed me for simply being present....but I also had the opportunity to meet a "Facebook friend" I'd never met before. Our hearts forever connected by the loss of our children. She, too, also quickly humbled me as we embraced.
As I sat through the service, I thought of the people I knew there - and their stories. I thought of my friend who stood before all of us and poured out her heart of thankfulness - all while she painfully mourned her husband's loss to cancer. I thought of my friend who lost her son to suicide and how brave she was to "show up" for our friend today. I thought of the friends sitting behind me and how they walked through so much with us during Zeta's life and death - and continue to do so today.....I thought of the friend sitting next to me and the fact that she just lost her daddy. As a matter of fact, she just told me this week how hard it has been to write 'thank you' cards because it just seems so awkward to tell people 'thank you' when she's missing her daddy so much....and the thing is- I get it...I mean, I've never been in any of their shoes....but I understand heartache.....
Don't we all?
I don't know the pain you've experienced, just as you don't know mine....
.....but if we live and love....well, then we're bound to experience pain...
....but do you know what the awesome thing is???
PAIN IS NOT FOREVER.
Jesus Christ died the most horrific death on earth in order to give us eternal life.
He showed up.
Do you understand how AWESOME that is??
The pain we experience here on earth can seem bone crushing...breath taking...and infinite.
...BUT IT'S NOT....
God does not promise easy HERE ON EARTH.
...otherwise we would have no need or desire for Him....
He does promise eternal life...eternal healing...and eternal joy....
...all because He "showed up."
He knew He'd be mocked and persecuted- yet he showed up!
Are we that good at showing up?
Next time you feel that little tug to show up - listen to it. You'll never know the peace God will put in your heart or the comfort you'll be for the person who needs it......or the comfort you'll receive.... just for being there.
Just show up.
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Angelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06234552223438067797noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-792237025040367036.post-60079476373580895602020-08-26T14:38:00.014-04:002020-08-26T14:44:32.834-04:00ThankfulnessThankfulness - I'm sure I've written about this before.
Only....only it's often too easy to forget what thankfulness is truly all about.
Sometimes it's easy to see what we have to be thankful for. Like when we make it through a difficult
situation and see the stamina that brought us through.....or when we see a
friend mourn the loss of her husband - a child mourn the loss of their
father....or watch a parent mourn the loss of a child...... It's easy to be
thankful when all the bad things in life aren't <i>happening to us</i>...... Is
it easy to be that thankful when people just <i>don't seem to cooperate</i>? Is
it easy to be thankful when <b>we're hurt, angry, triggered</b>? Is it easy to
be thankful when our <i>patience is worn thin</i>, when the days are long and
the problems never-ending?
<b>Is it ever easy?<i></i></b>
Is it easy to actually feel blessed in the mess? Is it easy to have a heart of
joy and thankfulness when the
<i>darkness, the loss & hurt, or the greed & envy</i> show up -----is it easy to
be thankful then? The short answer is no. ......and if we're being honest, the
long answer is often no too. Sadly, the act of thankfulness appears to be more
of a rarity than the norm. If we were all intentional about being thankful then
maybe....just maybe.....our hearts would be <b>softer</b>, our tones more
<b>loving</b>, our beliefs just as strong - but our words more carefully chosen.
If we were all intentional about being constantly thankful then those hard times
would force us to look to the <b>One<i></i></b> who knows far more than we can
ever understand....If we were all intentional about being more thankful then the
hurts wouldn't sting as bad, and we wouldn't take the triggers as
personally.....and we could have conversations that move us toward healing. If
we were more intentional about being thankful, it wouldn't take heartache to
bring us to our knees. We'd humble our hearts and remember....truly
remember....<b>ALL</b> the blessings we are given <b>every day<i></i></b>.
Blessings in the heartache, in the differences, in the trials, in the triggers,
and the unknowns. If we concentrate on being thankful, we realize there's so
much more to life than feeling like we're fighting an uphill battle. We might be
in an actual spiritual battle with the devil every day of our lives, but guess
what, JESUS already won the WAR - the day he said “Father, forgive them; for
they do not know what they are doing.” Luke 23:34 "You shall be with Me in
Paradise.” Luke 23:43 “It is finished!” John 19:30 Wow, now just imagine all we
have to look forward to - (and in the meantime <i>let's be THANKFUL</i>:).
There's so much we have left to do! “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy,
peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness,
self-control.” (Galatians 5:22)
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Angelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06234552223438067797noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-792237025040367036.post-28151430876664182402020-07-23T21:34:00.000-04:002020-07-23T21:34:37.948-04:00CommunicationCommunication<br />
<br />
Communication. This has been my unintentional theme word for the week.<br />
<br />
It all started Saturday. I engaged in some very difficult conversation with someone very close to me. I initially reached out to this person via text and shared some thoughts. She came to see me and reminded me that encountering issues head on, face to face, is often the best route. Our meeting picked at old wounds and scratched the surface of things neither of us may have even realized were issues. There were points we disagreed on and instances where one and/or both of us weren’t able to effectively communicate and/or receive what the other was saying. However, when it was all said and done we were able to hug each other and confirm the love we have for one another. There may always be issues that come between us and Satan will likely continue to try use the trap of convincing us our battle is flesh against flesh, but deep down we both realize all the things we have faced together and the fact that this type of conflict is not God’s desire.<br />
<br />
That night, like the night before, I had trouble sleeping. I found myself looking to God’s word for comfort. I went straight to Ephesians 6 because I knew I needed the reminder.<br />
<br />
10<br />
Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power.<br />
11<br />
Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes.<br />
12<br />
For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.<br />
13<br />
Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.<br />
14<br />
Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place,<br />
15<br />
and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace.<br />
16<br />
In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one.<br />
17<br />
Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.<br />
18<br />
And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.<br />
19<br />
Pray also for me, that whenever I open my mouth, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel<br />
<br />
As I studied the scripture and look at all my scribbles and notes I noticed 3 simple words I had written at some other point in time. “Pray to communicate.” <br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-tIrqT9ccfe4/Xxo5vdf5SbI/AAAAAAAAAvU/M7vEnpS6wVQ8jW_w9C0VJ1n98k5stRtgwCNcBGAsYHQ/s1600/D16E098E-E1F0-4EA4-92DB-A8BB3606821A.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-tIrqT9ccfe4/Xxo5vdf5SbI/AAAAAAAAAvU/M7vEnpS6wVQ8jW_w9C0VJ1n98k5stRtgwCNcBGAsYHQ/s320/D16E098E-E1F0-4EA4-92DB-A8BB3606821A.jpeg" width="240" height="320" data-original-width="1200" data-original-height="1600" /></a></div>So many issues she and I tried to sort through had to do with communication. As a matter of fact, EVERY issue had to do with communication. <br />
<br />
So.....I asked God - what is it I should communicate. I mean, I know communication is best way to any resolution.....but hey, I feel like I’m a decent communicator.....but still those words glared back at me. “Pray to communicate.” <br />
<br />
What exactly did God want me to communicate? <br />
<br />
I haphazardly turned to 2nd Corinthians 10:1-2<br />
Now I, Paul, appeal to you with the gentleness and kindness of Christ—though I realize you think I am timid in person and bold only when I write from far away.<br />
<br />
It was obvious for me to gather that it may have been pointing out that I, like Paul, am much more bold in writing than speaking. While I have no argument against that, I still felt that wasn’t all that God needed me to gather. After reading and reading those 2 verses for some time I finally moved to verses 3-5. 3 For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does.(4 The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. 5 We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.<br />
<br />
So the next morning I reached out to her and others that I felt like I had failed in with communication. I expressed sorrow for my part in causing hurt feelings and also prayed over the hurt of those I love and my own hurt. <br />
<br />
It’s much easier to love someone when you realize it’s not the actual person you’re fighting but the spiritual forces of evil. <br />
<br />
The following day Stevie and I visited a different church and y’all, I can’t make this stuff up- the opening sentiment for the service? “Our communication.” The scripture focused on Mark 12:13-17. It’s the account of how Jesus addresses a question about taxes to Caesar in which the Pharisees attempt to catch Jesus being a hypocrite. The bulk of the sermon included the fact that we, as Christians, are called to be the salt and the light. We are called to be “different than the world” in communicating- and in every other aspect of life. <br />
<br />
The pastor further referenced Ecclesiastes 5:2 <br />
“Do not be quick with your mouth, do not be hasty in your heart to utter anything before God.”<br />
Oh how I need to work on this at times.<br />
Y’all that message was for ME!<br />
<br />
Every scripture reference I went home and studied-<br />
Galatians 4:6, James 1:9, Proverbs 25:11, Galatians 2:11-13, Ephesians 4:25<br />
<br />
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<br />
I fail every day at communication. Even when I “think” I’m doing something to communicate effectively. I tend to over communicate. (Just look at the length of this post already). My sincere hope is to effectively communicate my thoughts and feelings while understanding the other persons- all while remembering that God should be at the center of it all.<br />
<br />
Stevie recently told me that he was worried I was opening myself up to public ridicule and criticism with some of the things I post....well if you go back through anything I’ve ever posted you’ll see that I’ve easily made myself a target at times. The only thing I can tell him is that I am human therefore I know I have (and will) fail. I also know I am God’s child and as long as I seek to live by and understand His ways I am ultimately protected by God through Eternal life. <br />
<br />
Have I ever failed? You betcha! Every. Single. Day. I know that sometimes my willingness to communicate and my evidence of over communication opens me up to personal attack. When and if that time comes I pray that I still rely on God’s comfort, hope, and truth to acknowledge my shortcomings and still keep going. <br />
<br />
In any case, I know that God’s lesson for me this week....and perhaps in time to come is “pray to communicate” so that is what I’ll continue to seek to do.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Angelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06234552223438067797noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-792237025040367036.post-114769578248252682020-03-26T21:33:00.000-04:002020-03-27T05:56:35.690-04:00FearI keep pushing it back.<br />
<br />
It keeps resurfacing.<br />
<br />
Basically, the whole world is living like I lived for 3 years with Zeta.<br />
<br />
Fear.<br />
<br />
Fear of germs. Fear of the unknown. Fear that you’re not getting the whole story. Fear that you’re not doing enough. Fear that you’re neglecting your ‘normal’ duties. Fear of how it might end. <br />
<br />
At some point you cave to the fear or you fully surrender to God.<br />
<br />
I’m not talking a rhetorical surrender...I’m talking knowing there is no other alternative...no other hope...the final realization that the Ultimate Hope does not dwell in anything of this earth. <br />
<br />
At every point you wonder...is this real life...when will the questions and panic and chaos end?...is this the new normal?<br />
<br />
Fear of leaving the side of someone you love only for them not to be there when you return. Fear of a loved one being in the hospital all alone....sick, scared...no voice....no familiar face....<br />
<br />
Fear that one day life will no longer be familiar...no longer be the same.<br />
<br />
Fear that a doctor, a test, a cure won’t be available.<br />
<br />
Fear.<br />
<br />
Fear is a liar.<br />
<br />
Fear is a natural human reaction. <br />
<br />
Fear creates unimaginable feelings within us.<br />
<br />
As humans we have fear....we have questions...we don’t always understand...we downplay it...we over exaggerate it....thoughts, feelings, thoughts, fears, feelings....they’re sometimes all over the place.<br />
<br />
I’m not pushing doom and gloom.<br />
<br />
I want to say....I understand.<br />
<br />
The feelings won’t last forever.<br />
<br />
These times won’t last forever.<br />
<br />
God’s plan and promise for us is so much more.<br />
<br />
Times like this we fear being overly dramatic....yet we have these pressing questions and concerns we try to keep hidden. <br />
<br />
The best place to take those questions and concerns are to God.<br />
<br />
We fear being holy roly...we fear being <br />
hypocrites...there’s a lot of fear....<br />
<br />
...or maybe it’s just me....<br />
<br />
...but there’s so much more that’s promised...a plan we don’t yet understand or see...but something better for you...for me....<br />
<br />
<br />
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Angelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06234552223438067797noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-792237025040367036.post-64640625979462872452020-03-18T13:51:00.001-04:002020-03-18T13:58:29.506-04:00CoronavirusCoronavirus.<br />
<br />
What else would one have to blog about in this time?<br />
<br />
There are a few types of stances we've seen quickly emerge in the last week...…<br />
<br />
The conspiracy theorists.<br />
<br />
The ones that are not moved and are even a little bored with the all the media overload.<br />
<br />
The panick-ers.<br />
<br />
and<br />
<br />
the ones like me.<br />
<br />
The ones who are panicked, unmoved, sad, worried..... just fine and covered in peace, all at one time - or in the space of moments.....the ones who are CoNfUsEd!<br />
<br />
Maybe you're confused too.<br />
<br />
One minute I'm perfectly fine wondering why people are buying up all the toilet paper and am amused at all the confusion..... (Though I have to admit, I went into Dollar General to purchase an item and walked out with a pack of toilet paper just because "everyone else was buying".......and I'm not even sure why????)<br />
<br />
THEN.....<br />
<br />
I start thinking.....<br />
<br />
well, then I think about the vulnerable ones.<br />
<br />
The ones like my baby, Zeta.<br />
<br />
The ones who end up in the hospital in life or death situations with just a cold or exposure to the least little thing...... <br />
<br />
I think about a time when (I feel) we were put in the corner of a pediatric ICU for just the reason that so many people are scared of right now.....<br />
<br />
The reason that if it comes down to having to choose which patient gets the most time and resources it will come down to the ones who have the highest rate of survival and best quality of life left. <br />
<br />
I mean, I get it. I get that if a health system (like in Italy) is overwhelmed then those are the heart wrenching decisions that have to be made. I get that it happens on a much, much smaller scale in health systems at times any way.<br />
<br />
I get the 'dark humor' of the medical profession - trust me, "living" in the hospital with Zeta for so long, left me with a bit of that same dark humor at times....<br />
<br />
…...because.....well, just because if you focus too much on the reality of what is happening and your emotions get wrapped into what's actually happening every moment too much then you would never be able to get through the things that actually have to be done in order to sustain a life....a life that you ultimately feel responsible in protecting......whether it's your loved one....or your patient.....<br />
<br />
I get it.<br />
<br />
...but just because I get it doesn't make it easier if it is my child or other loved one that doesn't get the attention or the ventilator....or the fighting chance because someone else has to make the decision on who gets resources and who doesn't.<br />
<br />
I used the analogy in my blog years ago when I was struggling with the guilt of the care taking of my baby and feeling like I was neglecting my other two children - it's like watching one of your children drown then one of your other children deciding to jump in and they can't swim either. Which do you save? How do you decide?<br />
<br />
I think about my grandmother who died just over a year ago. She died of a heart attack.....but there's no doubt in my mind that the flu was the impetus. Prior to that, her health was better than many people half her age.<br />
<br />
I think about how the media and the experts reiterate over and over it is the elderly and vulnerable most at risk.<br />
<br />
I think about my other grandmother in the nursing home.<br />
<br />
I think about my parents.<br />
<br />
I think about my son who had the flu this week.<br />
<br />
Talk about a PTSD moment!! He hasn't been sick since like 1st grade...…<br />
<br />
So....the first couple of days when he was not only sitting still....but actually sleeping all the time.....well, a little of that panic that SATAN is so quick to share......that panic set in....<br />
<br />
My thoughts - <br />
<br />
"He has coronavirus, I know it. What if my kid has some kind of undiagnosed immune problem that we don't know about? What if my other kid does? What if my parents get it? I had sneezing and sore throat and coughing and congestion a couple of weeks ago....what if I caused it? What if they end up on ventilators and have to live in the hospital? What if they all die like Zeta? What if? What if? What if??" <br />
<br />
See??? PTSD moment. Maybe????<br />
<br />
I mean, I know my fears were pretty unfounded - yet I couldn't really make them go away.<br />
<br />
I had a little moment....or two.....then I brought myself together and remembered who is actually in control.....<br />
<br />
and I know....<br />
<br />
I KNOW.<br />
<br />
I know GOD is in control.<br />
<br />
If we're meant to be wiped out with coronavirus like God has wiped out the Earth before then it's going to happen......If we get wiped out by crazy people trampling us for toilet paper and food.....There's nothing we can do to stop it - if it's our time.....and there sure isn't anything that comes from panicking or acting crazy.<br />
<br />
I get it.....just like I "get" the tough choices that have to be made....and just like I "get" that it is better to be prepared than do nothing.<br />
<br />
I don't get.....perpetuating negativity…....fighting or belittling someone who views things differently than I do......falling in the floor and caving in to Satan's desire to fall apart and never getting back up....nor do I get the open criticism typed out and put out there for all the world to see and dissect putting down governments, schools, health care systems, doctors, nurses, retailers, teachers, parents, or ANYONE that is a target for our anger and fear during a time in which NO ONE has any real solutions or answers - and I'm not talking healthy debates here, I'm talking just plain, rude, offensive attacks..... It's all been a learn as we go for ALL of us. I'm willing to bet we all have feelings of thinking things are stupid or getting frustrated with "whatever" situation related to the pandemic....my personal view is that sometimes it is better to keep some thoughts to ourselves or discuss it with people who can help us work through logical reasoning.... Do we really stop and think about the things we say and do - Is it useful? Is it going to help someone or hurt someone?<br />
<br />
...then my next view is....well, my next view is I can choose to bypass the negative messages I read or take a break from social media.....it's all about the ONLY true control I have in any situation - my OWN choices in how I RESPOND.....<br />
<br />
...and I get it.....sometimes it's EASIER SAID THAN DONE......<br />
<br />
<br />
>>>BUT keep this in mind.....when it comes down to it....on the day you're watching a loved one die (due to ANY reason - not talking about coronavirus)......is all the arguing, worrying, yelling, screaming, reacting, berating, etc, etc....<i>is ANY of that worth it</i>....does it change a single thing???......or when YOU take your last breath....<i>is any of it worth it</i>....does it change a single thing.....OR does it only make you feel better for maybe a fleeting moment then pull you further into the hole of darkness and despair....while hurting so many others??? <b>The only thing that is "worth it" is controlling your thoughts and actions to the best of your ability and knowing that God is your ONLY Savior and eternal life will be so much better! <br />
<i></i></b><br />
If we're all just going crazy because of the influx of media reports - it's human nature - we've never experienced anything remotely like this.....but shame on us if we allow our circumstances to infiltrate our hearts with greed and hate and lose our senses and compassion....AND shame on us if we don't get it together and understand WHO is in control.<br />
<br />
....the following thoughts battle for room in my heart.....<br />
<br />
"We’ll never know if we overreacted but we will know if we didn’t do enough."<br />
<br />
and this I KNOW- "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33<br />
<br />
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Angelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06234552223438067797noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-792237025040367036.post-4484182395991292402020-03-04T18:44:00.000-05:002020-03-05T09:19:08.864-05:00"Make it short," they said...Sorry but I, obviously, cannot write anything short!<br />
<br />
I’m not sure why, but the political arena has me all kind of ways right now. <br />
<br />
Maybe it’s not even the political arena……maybe it’s the trend of morals, values, and entitlement WE seem to be moving toward….and I say WE because I’m guilty of it sometimes too.<br />
<br />
Perhaps I’m just getting old.<br />
<br />
I’ve always made it a point not to stand with ‘one party’, ‘one person’ or ‘one thought process’. Personally, I just don’t think it’s always productive, and it lessens the avenues for growth and change. I also do not believe it’s okay to belittle or berate another person or their beliefs just because I have a different opinion. <br />
<br />
I do believe we all have a RESPONSIBILITY to tend to our own affairs. To strive to BE BETTER and to HELP OTHERS who are less fortunate. <br />
<br />
This is where I have such a dilemma. <br />
<br />
I’m typically a “rule follower.” You know, one of those people that believes if you follow the rules everything works out fine…..that everyone should follow the rules…well, until the rules don’t fit my beliefs and values, maybe…..that if you follow the rules everything is ok….until it’s not….rule follower…see what I mean?<br />
<br />
Let me explain a little more.<br />
<br />
I’ve spent my life working and serving in service-related areas. I’ve had the immense honor and responsibility of working with people in the most vulnerable stages of life - be it small children, at-risk youth, or the dying. The experiences (along with my own life experiences) have often humbled me to the point of my own tear-filled questions…... <br />
<br />
I’ve worked with at-risk youth whom are stuck in that cycle of poverty and ‘running the streets.’ I’ve seen and felt the hopelessness inside of them. I’ve cried for them and with them. I’ve prayed with them and for them. I’ve also become so frustrated with them I’ve wanted to scream! I’ve seen how difficult it is to even consider a life outside of what they know because they can’t see the benefits. The short-term goal of surviving the next day is greater than the long-term goal of living what some call an honest or clean life…….the short-term benefits of running the streets are often greater than the pain and dedication it takes to stand up against their norm and be something different – without immediate reward. The intermittent rewards are often much higher and much more tangible than what they can forecast in their futures. Goals? Ask some of these same kids about their goals and they look at you as if you have two heads. Their goal is to make it through the day alive or to make their next hustle….or maybe even just to fade into the background and hope no one notices – or wish someone WOULD notice……..anything beyond that is often not even imaginable…..In some instances, it’s just a cycle – maybe people around them don’t have what we consider life goals so why would they? Take for instance, once I brought breakfast to some kids who had been working hard in school…..then the “toughest, meanest street kid” came in with his new gold watch and necklace and flashing more cash than I even carry on vacation – and I’m sitting there thinking – “How do I compete with that?” I mean what kid…..WHAT PERSON….if given the choice- would choose my sausage biscuit over a stack of Benjamins???”……but here’s the deal…..that mean, tough street kid respected me – he put his stuff away when I asked……he checked his cocky attitude – he (generally) did the things I asked – because I showed him respect……AND because my message was CONSISTENT and CLEAR……I expected his best…..and even when I knew he was just parroting my speech I knew that at least he was trying to be at least a little different…….maybe it was because he wanted my approval….hopefully one day he would feel some intrinsic motivation because that is when true change happens. I never told my kids that MY way was the ONLY way. I never told them to do things “or else.” I talked to them about my experiences. I talked about life in the real world. I talked about my struggles and how they were so much different than theirs. I talked about stories of success I had read about or witnessed first-hand. I shared my faith. Yes, I talked about God in a PUBLIC SCHOOL! People who say God is not allowed in school don’t always see the full picture and don’t understand the power of their life as testimony. (But that’s another topic and I’m already well on my way to another novel here!) I listened to these kids, I felt sorrow for these kids…..but I DID NOT allow these kids to convince me they were LESS THAN ABLE to change their circumstances. I would love to sit here and tell you all the great success stories that came from working with these kids…..BUT that’s not the case. I can’t tell you that I actually made a difference in ANY of these kids lives….BUT I can tell you I was not going to ALLOW them to MAKE EXCUSES or BE LESS THAN what GOD created them to be!<br />
<br />
I’ve made MORE THAN my share of mistakes and I’ve been tremendously blessed to have people HOLD ME ACCOUNTABLE – even when I didn’t want to hear it…..ESPECIALLY when I didn’t want to hear it.<br />
<br />
God teaches us to LOVE and SERVE one another. I’ve spoken that message throughout my life. God ALSO instructs each of us to be ACCOUNTABLE….<br />
<br />
2 Thessalonians 3:6-9 ESV <br />
Now we command you, brothers, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that you keep away from any brother who is walking in idleness and not in accord with the tradition that you received from us. For you yourselves know how you ought to imitate us, because we were not idle when we were with you, nor did we eat anyone's bread without paying for it, but with toil and labor we worked night and day, that we might not be a burden to any of you. It was not because we do not have that right, but to give you in ourselves an example to imitate.<br />
<br />
I know that ‘doing things the right way” will not always be all cupcakes and roses…..because it won’t. God never promised that. I NEVER told any of these kids that! LIFE IS NOT EASY OR FAIR! <br />
<br />
…..and one thing I NEVER QUIT telling them is they have to WANT TO BE BETTER….for themselves….no one else….and they HAVE TO BELIEVE they DESERVE BETTER…….<br />
<br />
Yeah, lots of people in these situations are shouting they ‘deserve better’ but do they actually THINK they are CAPABLE of being BETTER? Do they BELIEVE they can BE BETTER?<br />
<br />
….or do so many want the EASY way out? Someone to pay the debt they created, someone to feel sorry for them because of past circumstances, someone to throw money at whatever the problem and hope it goes away…..<br />
<br />
Every single one of us gets stuck in being comfortable with MEDIOCRITY and believing we can’t achieve those DREAMS that come to us<br />
.<br />
Sometimes there is a difference though…..sometimes people cannot and will not get past the why me, it’s all about me, it’s doesn’t matter attitudes. <br />
<br />
I’ve been there…..chances are – you have too!<br />
<br />
What we CANNOT do is serve the hopeless attitudes by enabling ABLE BODIED people who choose not to help themselves or who do not follow rules or laws to dictate how society functions. It does not help society as a whole and more importantly, it DOES NOT HELP the person or people we enable. <br />
<br />
WE have to be ACCOUNTABLE.<br />
<br />
WE have to MAKE OTHERS ACCOUNTABLE.<br />
<br />
PART II<br />
<br />
I wrote a facebook post earlier this week:<br />
<br />
Let me go backwards for a minute…..that’s actually the reason this whole blog post started. I wrote a facebook post, a fb friend responded and as I wrote my response I wasn’t able to hit reply because she had deleted her comment. <br />
<br />
Here’s my post:<br />
<br />
<blockquote>Just a few thoughts...<br />
<br />
I've seen the ABC News clip about Allendale County. <br />
<br />
While I am quick to agree that Allendale has its share of problems I would have to disagree as to why. <br />
<br />
It is difficult to listen to people continually talk about oppression and how they can't make anything of themselves because of the cards they were dealt. <br />
<br />
Granted, being born into poverty and/or other difficult circumstances makes life 1000 times more difficult - this I can only imagine. However, people cannot continue to use that as the reason things aren't better.....and they cannot continue to say GOVERNEMENT is FORSAKING them!<br />
<br />
Read a little about people like David Coggins and Eric Thomas. These men WORKED and FOUGHT their way out of similar (and sometimes WORSE) situations than many of the people in Allendale. These men don't hold super powers. They CHOSE to stop the cycle. They CHOSE to FIGHT for what they deserve. They CHOSE to WORK for what they have. They CHOSE to become BIGGER than their CIRCUMSTANCES.<br />
<br />
I KNOW for a FACT that HARD WORK can change your circumstances. My grandfather was ONE of TWELVE DIRT POOR children in a family in ULMER - one of the most RURAL parts of ALLENDALE COUNTY. From what I understand, their father was a brutal man who ultimately committed suicide. Our grandfather WAS NOT GIVEN a thing. He didn't have a lot of formal education, but he made a CHOICE early on to be a LIFE-LONG learner. He made a CHOICE not to depend on government to support him. He made a CHOICE to WORK every day of his life for what he earned. I know this because I have heard the stories all of my life and I witnessed him work like a dog my entire life. My mom shared stories about how even she (and I'm assuming her brothers) were teased when they were young because they were 'poor country people'....about how people made fun of our Pop because he had old sheds and old equipment.....I'm sure that teasing probably hurt our Pop, but I doubt he ever let it show. I think he USED it to FUEL his desire to DO BETTER, TO BE BETTER. I can say with so much pride that our Pop became a SUCCESSFUL business man in Allendale County. The SAME county that SOME people think is to blame for their LACK OF SUCCESS.<br />
<br />
Stop and think before you say the problems are in a LACK of JOBS....the problem is more likely the LACK of DESIRE of PEOPLE to WORK!<br />
</blockquote><br />
A facebook friend responded to my post that she disagreed. She was polite and simply said something like, “I disagree due to all we know about generational poverty and generational wealth.”<br />
<br />
Well, I was ready to rebut with my opinion so being the keyboard warrior I am, I started typing away. <br />
<br />
This was my response: <br />
I totally understand your views on generational poverty and the HOPELESSNESS that exists with it! This is the same reason I've always preached to young people that you have to WANT more for yourself. You have to DO more for yourself. I don't disagree that hopelessness ISN'T there or that it isn't a CONSTANT uphill battle. I also don't disagree that some forms of assistance are ever advantageous or necessary. I think where I have the most disagreement is with people placing blame on government for their problems IF those same people are not doing anything to better themselves. I am not saying every person complaining in Allendale County (or every proponent of more government involvement and 'free' programs) falls under this assumption, but I can say witnessing years of generational poverty with government money and programs thrown at it does not seem to be working. I DON'T mean to sound heartless at all when I say life is not fair. It is not fair that people are born into generational poverty, it is also not fair that not all babies are born "healthy" or "smart". It's not "fair" that tornadoes and earthquakes happen. It's not "fair" that people who WORK aren't RICH. It's not fair that people who work are the people who are taxed while there are SOME people who DON'T work (but are capable - and I'm really talking about able-bodied people here) who reap the benefits. It's not fair that Sally worked 3 jobs to pay off student loans and Bob gets his paid for "free" because he complains enough or was born a generation later or government decides they want to eliminate all student debt. There is so much about life that is not "fair" that if we linger on it long enough we would ALL be a dying, bitter, hurtful people waiting for someone to save us. (I believe God is the only One that is capable of that.) However, the only thing in this life we will ever be able to control is our own attitude, our own beliefs, our own values and our own DRIVE TO SUCCEED. There are many testaments to being born into generational poverty that succeeded and they all have a common factor - the drive and will to succeed. I also agree generational wealth is a thing....however, that only lasts so long if following generations don't continue some type of effort of work, networking, or learning the value of life and a dollar.....because - we all know, you can have all the money and connections in the world, but if the money disappears a lot of your connections and 'friends' do too...…. and if you don't have the desire to pick yourself up and the willingness to work then the generational wealth ends too. Thank you for RESPECTFULLY sharing your opinion! It means a lot to have conversations when both sides can share their opinions without attacking:)<br />
<br />
Sooo…..I finished my response and tried to hit ‘reply’ or ‘enter’ or whatever you do and it said the poster had deleted the comment. To be honest, I was sad I didn’t get to say more on what I was feeling in that open forum. It’s like I’m caught between being a bleeding heart and facing the reality that continuing to enable people only makes things worse…..and trust me I think there is a HUGE difference in serving and giving versus enabling. I may never know why my facebook friend deleted her post. I wasn’t offended by it. I was happy she tactfully shared her opinion. <br />
<br />
PART III<br />
<br />
Now, let me tell you about the “other side” in my heart.<br />
<br />
Do I think injustice occurs? <br />
<br />
Yes.<br />
<br />
Do I think reparations should be made?<br />
<br />
That is a loaded question.<br />
<br />
Let me tell you a couple of stories. <br />
<br />
If you’ve made it this far you either love reading, love what I’m saying….or enjoying the amusement because you think I’m full of poo!<br />
<br />
Anyway, here’s my first story.<br />
<br />
For some reason I’ve always had a fascination with the struggle of the black male. I did a lot of my undergrad and grad work on research of the young, at-risk black male. Now, looking at me, it’s pretty obvious I’m not exactly anything close to a black male…..and I can’t tell you why that was something that peaked my interest….unless it was just a time when there was so much study dedicated to the education gap between black males and other students….I was an education major, by the way. (obviously did not major in English – ‘cause lots of run- on sentences when I write….I write from passion and emotion – not the MLA…..but I’m way off topic….)<br />
<br />
Let’s try again. <br />
<br />
First story.<br />
<br />
There was a young black kid. I’ll call him ‘S.”<br />
<br />
“S” was enrolled in a setting that put him as a minority.<br />
<br />
Yes, nearly every other student in the room looked like him. They were probably 90% black males – the rest were black females.<br />
<br />
However, he was still the minority.<br />
<br />
Nearly every other student was happy (or embarrassed) to share their street stories with me….a few didn’t really trust me so they didn’t really share much. I think some might have even made up street stories just to fit in with the others.<br />
<br />
“S” was different.<br />
<br />
“S” took his work seriously. “S” understood he had made a mistake and had to pay for his mistake. From rumors I later heard, the actions that landed S where he was may have even been out of self-defense…..but ‘S’ never told me that. He only told me about the action he made that sealed his fate for the next year – to be enrolled in this setting.<br />
<br />
“S” intermittently asked when his ‘punishment’ would be over. I would reiterate that it was for the remainder of the year. I would then go to the people who could uphold or change that decision and beg for this kid to have another chance. My biggest fear is he would succumb to what was around him day in and day out. “S” never complained. He continued to do his work, respect those around him and focus on his goal. <br />
<br />
“S” was in a setting day in and day out surrounded by people who looked like him…..surrounded by people who had open disregard for many forms of authority…surrounded by people who did not fully understand the relevance in education…..surrounded by people without visualized goals.<br />
<br />
“S” was in a setting that all odds were stacked against him. Yet, “S” stayed focused.<br />
<br />
Some of the other adults and I POURED praise and positivity into this kid. I felt like we did it for every kid…..but there was something different about this one…..<br />
<br />
You could see it in his smile, in his calm manner. This kid was different. <br />
<br />
I don’t know a thing about his family or his outward circumstances. I imagine he had some good support in his life…..but I have no way of knowing that. If he had problems, he never spoke about them. He only spoke about his goal, what he had to do to get ‘done with his punishment’ and thankfulness for anything that I or anyone else did for him.<br />
<br />
I prayed for this kid, a lot. I wanted so badly for him to make it….to overcome the obstacles he faced from simply being in the wrong environment to help him succeed.<br />
<br />
I’m happy to say that “S” succeeded. He ended up graduating a year early and met his goal of what he wanted to do after graduation.<br />
<br />
I would love to say “S” succeeded because I or other adults in his life helped push him that way….BUT it was EVIDENT this kid had the INTRINSIC desire to make his circumstances better. You CAN’T will that into someone. People will not better themselves until they are ready. <br />
<br />
Just like some of the kids who were – or had been – in the same setting as “S”……kids who came from “good homes”……”good families”…….kids who had all their needs and most wants met……..the kids who failed to set or meet goals …..regardless of if the environment supports or hinders it…..it all comes down to the desire you have within yourself!<br />
<br />
PART IV<br />
<br />
When I truly get into my blog and writing a lot it’s always when GOD or SATAN (or BOTH) are working heavy on my heart. So many of the injustices and truths and untruths that create a stir in me cause me to reflect on my own life.<br />
<br />
I wasn’t born into poverty.<br />
<br />
I wasn’t born a minority.<br />
<br />
I have good parents.<br />
<br />
I have a good husband.<br />
<br />
I have the most loving and caring teenage boys.<br />
<br />
I had a life-changing little girl.<br />
<br />
I pretty much thought of my self as a “good person.”<br />
<br />
<br />
Until…..<br />
<br />
Well, until I wasn’t so good anymore.<br />
<br />
“In a season of sin and self-destruction back in 2015, I lost everything and hurt many people in the process. At 41 years old, I broke my life, I broke my family, and I broke the hearts of those who trusted me and looked to me for leadership.” Billy Graham’s grandson, Tullian Tchividjian wrote these words in a blog post a couple of weeks ago. He could have ripped the words right out of my heart and only changed the year and the age. <br />
<br />
Satan keeps telling me I know nothing about pain or adversity.<br />
<br />
Satan tells me I have no authority to speak of God’s grace when I screwed up so badly.<br />
<br />
Satan tells me I will have to deal with the consequence of my sins infinitely.<br />
<br />
I’ve vaguely talked of my struggles and picking up the pieces in the past several years….<br />
<br />
…years after my baby (ZETA) died….<br />
<br />
I mean I talked about how hard death is and how Satan throws all the questions….how grief grows and changes and lessens and continues…..<br />
<br />
…but I’ve never talked specifically about the UGLY stuff…<br />
<br />
The choices I made that caused so much heart ache for everyone around me.<br />
<br />
I don’t have to talk about the specifics….<br />
<br />
Just know, it was ugly.<br />
<br />
The consequences of my actions were also ugly. <br />
<br />
Thankfully (and I do not say that lightly) I had people around me hold me ACCOUNTABLE. Now, I’m not going to say I LIKED ANY of the accountability….I’m also not going to say that I liked all their METHODS (they’re human too)…..what I will say is that part of the reason I am standing today is because people held me ACCOUNTABLE. They tried not to let me use losing ZETA as an excuse to make poor decisions. They tried not to let me use the pain to take away my responsibilities. They tried not to let me fall into the deepest, darkest, depth of my soul and never return. Notice how many times I say “THEY TRIED?” I say tried because at some point I had to take responsibility for myself and I had to remember who God is….. All of those broken-hearted faces and crying eyes looking at me on some days could not make me change. Until you’ve been there you can’t understand it. I can’t even explain it. No goal, no direction….nothing……There is a hollow of a person there with no soul. When you feel as though you have no soul then little bothers you…...but at the same time everything in the world hurts….. Not even the people you love most pleading for you to be present can penetrate that deepest darkest point. It breaks my heart and makes me fall to my knees just thinking about it now…….it’s almost like an alternate form of reality…. It’s what I imagine drug addicts feel like at some point. <br />
<br />
…… the bigger part of what I want you to know is that Satan is a liar.<br />
<br />
I know a little about pain and adversity. I know that life is not fair. My pain may not be the same as yours or the same as those fighting for causes they believe in…..but my question is how much of what you/I impel do you/we truly believe in and how much do you/we blindly follow? We’re all guilty.<br />
<br />
Satan wants us to believe that nothing better exists.<br />
<br />
Satan wants us to attack without thought or discussion.<br />
<br />
Satan wants us to believe that if we screw up the punishment is indefinite.<br />
<br />
……while the consequences of sin may follow us all of our earthly lives, JESUS DIED ON A CROSS, to save us from that very sin and ACCEPTING HIM – WE ARE SAVED.<br />
<br />
However, if we continue to live life without repentance, if we do not believe and accept Jesus Christ then we continue to be hopeless.<br />
<br />
LOVE YOURSELF. LOVE EACH OTHER. ENCOURAGE YOURSELF. ENCOURAGE EACH OTHER. KEEP YOURSELF ACCOUNTABLE. KEEP EACH OTHER ACCOUNTABLE.<br />
<br />
<br />
Angelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06234552223438067797noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-792237025040367036.post-47249875438613427282020-02-10T05:30:00.000-05:002020-02-10T05:36:21.862-05:00InjusticeInjustice.<br />
<br />
It’s a word that’s been floating around in my mind for days.<br />
<br />
Maybe weeks.<br />
<br />
Maybe years.<br />
<br />
I didn’t fully understand injustice in my own limited world until my baby was diagnosed with an unknown syndrome and died three years later. I didn’t fully understand the injustice parents of special needs children experience. I didn’t understand the injustice of a grieving parent. In so many ways, I wish I still didn’t understand, but I do.<br />
<br />
It’s funny how I could feel such peace at the time and then go on to feel such injustice.<br />
<br />
Such pain and heart break....such unfairness.<br />
<br />
Injustice.<br />
<br />
The injustice and hardness in my heart sometimes left me looking for someone or something to blame.<br />
<br />
Most times the someone was me and sometimes the somethings were something I had chosen.<br />
<br />
At times the ‘someones’ might be a doctor or some other person who might ‘just not understand.’.....it might have been a medication I took, something I ate, environmental toxins.<br />
<br />
There were so many things physically ‘wrong’ with my baby there were plenty of ‘somethings’ I could blame. I remember watching lawyer commercials for drugs and environmental factors that claimed to cause certain health risks or birth defects and I thought....hmm maybe that caused Zeta’s problems. I even had a couple of lawyers contact me.<br />
<br />
I remember a particularly trying time in the hospital (a time in which I still believe a lot of mistakes were made and covered up).....a time in which I wanted the people -who I felt failed- to pay...I wanted them to understand the pain their actions (and/or lack thereof) caused.<br />
<br />
Injustice.<br />
<br />
We’ve all felt it.<br />
<br />
We’ve all known it.<br />
<br />
There are more injustices in this world I’m passionate about.<br />
<br />
The injustice our children face. The cruel dog-eat-dog world they face each day. The injustice that somehow my own boys might feel “less than” because they weren’t sports stars or aren’t going to pursue medicine or engineering as a career.....the injustice that at some point I’m just as guilty of being the one to make them feel less than. The injustice of all they have faced over time and the fact they have the most caring hearts and trust of God in a world that doesn’t value that as a priority.<br />
<br />
The injustice of school children I’ve encountered. The fact that single parent homes are more common than two parent homes. The fact they were born into a cycle of poverty. The fact that They have not allowed God to penetrate the most hardened and broken pieces of their hearts. The fact they (more likely than not) don’t have the skills to break that cycle and turn to things like drugs and gangs. The fact that some of the toughest gang members could greet me with hugs and smiles and yes ma’am’s and no ma’am’s, not because I demanded (which technically, I guess I did), but because I respected them and they respected me.<br />
<br />
The injustice of people just looking for somewhere to place blame. Just like farmers (less than 2% of the population) working to feed the entire world’s population and the entertainment industry throwing buzz words like GMO and glyphosate around without fully understanding.....and sometimes unfounded legislation and low, capped commodity prices continually making it more and more difficult to feed the people that think they’re trying to kill them.<br />
<br />
The greatest injustice is that we’re a nation engaged in constant spiritual warfare and while we’re busy attacking EACH OTHER over all the injustices we feel, Satan is out there continuing to win people over. We worship money, we worship time, we worship strength and popularity. We worship the things that make us comfortable and give us the most gratification. Meanwhile, the injustices of the world continue, and we continue to feel the pain of it. Question is, what are we actually DOING to combat it? Are we praying, are we listening to each other, are we loving each other, are we trusting and following GOD? OR are we just complaining and attacking?Angelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06234552223438067797noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-792237025040367036.post-13198642179465145332019-09-11T05:33:00.001-04:002019-09-11T05:33:48.836-04:00Reminder <br />
<br />
If there’s a pile of dirty clothes....be thankful there are little (or not so little) people living in your house.<br />
<br />
If the dishes are piled up....be thankful you have food to eat.<br />
<br />
If you’re experiencing grief....be thankful for the love you shared.<br />
<br />
If you’re feeling overwhelmed....be thankful for the responsibilities someone thought you could handle......be thankful for a mind that drives you to care.....and just always know that it could always be worse! I think we need to be constantly reminded that God NEVER promised an easy life on earth.......He promised SALVATION and ETERNAL life....IF we accept it....<br />
There’s a difference...and very much worth the cost!<br />
<br />
If you aren’t sure what God is doing in your life.....ask Him....read your Bible....talk about it.....just don’t let Satan sneak in....he can be a pretty good imposter.<br />
<br />
Don’t wonder about what people are thinking about you....most people are too caught up in their own problems to worry about yours....<br />
<br />
If they’re worried about yours then it’s for one of two reasons -<br />
1. They care.<br />
2. They have too much time on their hands.<br />
<br />
I once read something like, “God didn’t create you as an end in yourself. He’s the end, you’re the means.”<br />
<br />
That’s a pretty powerful statement considering the demands we can put on ourselves and each other.<br />
<br />
Why does our human-ness cause us to fight battles that God has already won?<br />
<br />
“You haven’t messed up God’s plan for your life. You, my dear, are not that powerful!”<br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-xrZibGOp2eg/XXi-4ni45-I/AAAAAAAAAsw/WdIiCKL5nsE8vcO6JHzeAbMpzevoOZv-ACNcBGAsYHQ/s1600/A9C2F50A-F63B-415C-9E3F-666CBD9263BF.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-xrZibGOp2eg/XXi-4ni45-I/AAAAAAAAAsw/WdIiCKL5nsE8vcO6JHzeAbMpzevoOZv-ACNcBGAsYHQ/s320/A9C2F50A-F63B-415C-9E3F-666CBD9263BF.png" width="320" height="320" data-original-width="1600" data-original-height="1600" /></a></div>Angelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06234552223438067797noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-792237025040367036.post-57520688029327350742019-08-15T21:54:00.000-04:002019-08-15T21:54:00.970-04:00MemoriesSometimes I wonder if I have some strange fascination with death.<br />
<br />
Weird, I know.<br />
<br />
It feels like I've been up close and personal with death too many times..... it's a time that forces you to reflect on LIFE.<br />
<br />
I was with 3 of the most important people in my life when they died. My daughter, my grandmother and my grandfather.......maybe even a little more strange, I was on the phone with my aunt when she was in the hospital room with my other grandfather began having trouble and died unexpectedly after a hip operation.<br />
<br />
Death.<br />
<br />
It's kind of why this whole blog was started.<br />
<br />
A journey of life, death, love.<br />
<br />
Death<br />
<br />
It's a stinging word.<br />
<br />
Death<br />
<br />
It's inevitable for every single one of us. <br />
<br />
My "Pop" died and I thought the world would end. On that day, I watched the strongest man I knew slip away from this life while my grandmoma fought as hard as she could to make him stay. I thought she would crumble. I thought the farm would end. I thought we wouldn't have someone to always make sure everything was gonna be alright and teach us all about the things we didn't know.<br />
<br />
My daughter died. I can't even begin to explain that to you. It just doesn't follow the natural order of life. It makes you QUESTION everything you know to be true and HOLD ON to all you know to be true at the same time. On that day, I watched her slip away - but was at peace knowing she didn't have to suffer any more.<br />
<br />
My Grandmoma died. On that day, life turned upside down. Watching her fade away was like watching my lifeline float away. She kept our family together and always made everything ok. She defied all odds. She lived by herself, took care of herself......did all the things people her age 'shouldn't' be able to do. She was the kindest, most giving human being you could ever meet. Even in the waiting room at the hospital, my daddy and I were making plans on who would move in with her and help take care of her - just as we had done so many times before.....yet, this time....this time, she didn't need us any more....she wouldn't be coming back home...not to her physical home..... <br />
<br />
My Grandaddy died in a hospital in Augusta while I was in a hospital in Charleston with my daughter. I barely made it to his funeral. She was fighting for her life while he lost his. I wondered how my grandmoma would go on............ <br />
<br />
Death....<br />
<br />
It's a frightening dark thing.<br />
<br />
....but it doesn't have to be like that....<br />
<br />
The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy.<br />
<br />
That's what death does to the ones left behind.<br />
<br />
Satan comes to destroy....to make us question the things we know.....to make the mourning seem so painful some days that we can't understand how we will possibly ever move on....<br />
<br />
Christ came that we may have life and have it abundantly.<br />
<br />
As humans, we don't always grasp this....<br />
<br />
It's easy to fall in to the why me trap.....the nothing ever goes right....everybody has it better....why can't I have it my way trap.....<br />
<br />
We don't understand it, but the good thing is......we don't have to.<br />
<br />
We just have to have faith.<br />
Angelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06234552223438067797noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-792237025040367036.post-3955559924554508492019-08-15T21:26:00.000-04:002019-08-16T08:41:56.020-04:00I’m processing It takes me a while to process things.<br />
<br />
People may take my ‘quietness’ as shyness, naivety, or disinterest.<br />
<br />
....but really I’m just taking it all in....<br />
<br />
I’m processing.<br />
<br />
Stevie and I went for a walk today. I noticed my daddy’s labored breathing just before we left. This isn’t a huge alarm. It seems to happen frequently. He has a bad heart. He tries to play it off as congestion. <br />
<br />
Stevie and I went for a walk. <br />
<br />
We were almost back home. My daddy met us in the road. He basically stopped in the road while traffic was stopping behind him. We tried to motion him on.<br />
<br />
He didn’t listen.<br />
<br />
He stopped.<br />
<br />
Then I realized he could hardly breathe.<br />
<br />
Panic set in.<br />
<br />
My outside remained calm, but I moved quickly. <br />
<br />
We debated driving to the hospital or the fire department just a few blocks away.<br />
<br />
The fire department won.<br />
<br />
They called for an ambulance.<br />
<br />
Not the first time this has happened.<br />
<br />
Just the tachycardia.<br />
<br />
They’ll fix it. They always do.<br />
<br />
Helicopter called. This isn’t normal. It’s not ok. This isn’t what usually happens. My daddy can’t die. My Grandmoma died just a few weeks ago.<br />
<br />
Two of the most important people in my life.<br />
<br />
This is not ok.<br />
<br />
My body remains calm. They’ll fix it. They always do.<br />
<br />
Helicopter called off. Ambulance en route to MUSC. <br />
<br />
He’s ok.<br />
<br />
They fixed it. They always do.<br />
<br />
....but what happens when they can’t. <br />
<br />
I’m trying to process that....and I really can’t. <br />
<br />
....but today....they fixed it....and for that I’m grateful. <br />
<br />
<br />
*Edit - This was written in the spring while we were at the beach, but I'm just now posting.<br />
Angelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06234552223438067797noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-792237025040367036.post-11508196826588378512019-04-03T20:24:00.001-04:002019-04-03T20:24:24.011-04:00The AftermathSix years....6 years. That really doesn’t sound like a long time....but....SIX YEARS. <br />
<br />
Six years since I last held my baby girl....six years since I felt like I lost my identity....six years since I first looked in the faces of my sweet little boys and wondered if we made all the right choices.....six years since our family had to learn a new normal....again....<br />
<br />
9 years since we adjusted to the new normal of life with a brand new baby....a baby with more profound medical needs than we (and most people) could ever imagine. A soul that taught me more about life than I knew in all the years I lived on earth. <br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-JNLiByZix88/XKVNYS29xbI/AAAAAAAAAq0/V_EK99H5XWowvNM41SGBUMBp8-w9TR54gCLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_3759.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-JNLiByZix88/XKVNYS29xbI/AAAAAAAAAq0/V_EK99H5XWowvNM41SGBUMBp8-w9TR54gCLcBGAs/s320/IMG_3759.jpg" width="320" height="301" data-original-width="750" data-original-height="705" /></a></div><br />
...and then....<br />
<br />
Three years....3 years of knowing God in the most intimate sense. Three years of accepting challenges and change. Three years of witnessing more miracles than we could ever imagine.<br />
<br />
So much changed.<br />
<br />
So much.<br />
<br />
Six years. In six years I was closer to God than ever in my life....in six years I also made some of the biggest mistakes of my life....in six years I was loved. I was determined. I was faithful. <br />
<br />
In six years I was also lost, isolated, selfish, and angry.<br />
<br />
Six years.....or maybe 9. Who knows?<br />
<br />
Our family's life has three eras- life before Zeta, life after Zeta, and life after we began to figure out how to pick up the pieces.....<br />
<br />
I’ve missed writing. I’ve missed speaking. I’ve missed noticing all the infinite glory that surrounds us in the small things....oh how powerful the last few weeks of remembering 6 years (or 9) have been.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-H5rkEh6rWW0/XKVN9XHWaaI/AAAAAAAAArA/hjM9pSotbi0r1ZM9wEjN8QiuqLgzeEmoACLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_3758.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-H5rkEh6rWW0/XKVN9XHWaaI/AAAAAAAAArA/hjM9pSotbi0r1ZM9wEjN8QiuqLgzeEmoACLcBGAs/s320/IMG_3758.PNG" width="180" height="320" data-original-width="750" data-original-height="1334" /></a></div>Angelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06234552223438067797noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-792237025040367036.post-83373143197459019532019-02-26T22:19:00.000-05:002019-02-26T22:33:36.627-05:00So....I’m a sentimental, sappy person. In the grand scheme of life, today was just another day that a 93 year old lady was buried....and the past few days were just a type of every day grief we all experience at some time in our life.....but to me (and I think I’m ok to say - also to our entire family) it felt like pieces of the world crumbled around us...like nothing else mattered....trying to figure out what happens next......When the center of your family is suddenly gone, well...what happens then? I’ll tell you what happens...you fight with everything you have to hold on... you comfort each other...and swallow your pride. You come together with those you haven’t seen in a while....and you put aside differences in order to pay respect to the one that taught you most about life...the one that was half of the beginning of generations. You just do.....what I want for myself is to work harder to be like the example she set for us....the Proverbs 31 woman.....just like Brian preached in her service today......<br />
<br />
My grandmother has been my role model since ...well, since forever. I always wanted to be just like her. I wanted to cook huge meals and make delicious cakes (neither of which I do, by the way)....I wanted to go to fancy parties and serve on all kind of committees just like she did (don’t do much of that either)....I wanted lady friends who loved me fiercely (I have a couple)....and I wanted a husband that worshipped the ground I walked on (I did pretty good there). I wanted lots of clothes and shoes just like her (don’t think I have all that, but Stevie might disagree 😜).....I wanted lots of little people to love me...and I wanted to make them pancakes and let them eat a whole bowl of cake batter- just like her.....I wanted to sit at the table and read my Bible or study my lesson- just like her....there are so many things I could say that made me want to be just like her. There are sooo many reasons and sooo many memories. There was never a time she wasn’t a part of my life. I lived across the street from her almost my entire 40 plus years of life. She was a part of every ‘big’ event in my life and most small ones too. <br />
<br />
However, the thing that keeps running over and over most in my mind is how she was there for me at two of the most trying times in my life- first when my daddy was hospitalized after a near fatal wreck that almost cost him his life- my sister and I ‘lived’ with her while my mom lived in the hospital with my daddy....and second- how she was there for me with Zeta.....she loved that baby with all of her might. Zeta was a pretty intimidating kid....I mean with all the monitors and machines and beeps and stuff....but....let me tell you, my Grandmoma came to my house on a daily basis when we weren’t in the hospital. She held Zeta....she talked to her...she wasn’t scared of her at all. My 80 ‘something’ year old grandmother was one of the greatest reasons I could hold strong each day....she rode with us to most every doctor and therapy appointment before we got a nurse and she even had the regrettable experience of going to the emergency room with us once.....it was after that I decided I would do all I could to make sure she never had to go to the er with us again.....long story short, I walked around a corner while we were waiting to be admitted to the hospital and I caught my sweet Grandmoma crying....eyes closed and face toward heaven ......begging for mercy for my child......it absolutely broke her to see my baby like that......Grandmoma would bring us a meal or some type of food almost every night. She would call a few times a day and sit with us for hours on end. She was my reminder not only that someone else loved my baby as fiercely as I did, but also that I had someone who loved ME ...AND my whole family like almost no one else but Jesus could. <br />
<br />
I’m not the only person in my huge family that can tell you stories about how special our Grandmoma was...or about all the things she did....that’s what made her seem like a super hero. She could be every where, save everybody, love everybody, and still cook a 4 course meal and keep her house spotless by the end of the day. <br />
<br />
I can only imagine the things she experienced throughout her life...I mean with all the children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren she had to worry about....thing is, there was never a sense of uneasiness around her...and you never felt a sense of disapproval...it’s weird, but the love she had just wanted to make you a better person...she didn’t have a need to share disapproval because you just had this innate desire to do what was right when you were around her...it’s the closest real life image of how I picture being in the presence of God....and let me tell you, if being in the presence of my grandmother is even a trillionth of a percent of what it’s like to be in Heaven then I want to go now!<br />
<br />
There’s no doubt where Grandmoma is now- seeing so many people she’s missed. I can guarantee Pop and Uncle Robbie were the two she was most excited to see. After Uncle Robbie died she would often say to me, “you know what it’s like...there’s nothing like losing a child.” I would always reply,”No, Grandmoma, I don’t. You had him 70plus years. I had Zeta for 3.” I truly can’t imagine what that did to her heart and soul. What I do know is that he knew he had a moma who loved him, regardless of any shortcomings....just like I know my moma and Uncle Baynard know they had a moma who would (and somehow probably did) walk water for them.....just like I had a Grandmoma who loved me and made me feel like the most important person in the world....but somehow also made everyone else around her feel just like that too! Gosh, I miss her! ❤️Angelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06234552223438067797noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-792237025040367036.post-21828766910406223352017-08-03T19:20:00.002-04:002017-08-03T19:20:09.230-04:00The meaning of lifeLast week, I sat with a family while their mother died. She had spent the night in the hospital. Her daughter called me, frantic, the following morning and pleaded for help. <br />
<br />
The whole way there I questioned my ability to offer support for this family in their time of need. I cried- reliving some of my own feelings during Zeta's last moments. Then, I remembered the bittersweet memory of how joyous it was to know that she would never be in pain again....the faith that God has healed her little body. I remembered all the people who held my hand (literally and figuratively) throughout our journey....and I knew...I just knew God was sending me right where I needed to be that morning.<br />
<br />
Witnessing the cross from life to death is a very humbling, albeit emotional, experience. You're instantly reminded of the fragility of life and your own morality. Another thing it forces you to do is check your own motives and purpose in life. <br />
<br />
I only knew this family a week, but I witnessed pure, selfless love....and It was awesome to know this mother also knew the love of Christ.<br />
<br />
Being there- in that moment- made me check myself and my own meaning in life...am I doing what God calls me to do...am I loving and leading and caring for my own family in the way that I should?<br />
<br />
What's the meaning of life? It's the meaning you give to it.... we all know that one day our own time will come...will we be able to say we accepted Christ and lived for Him?<br />
<br />
<br />
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-CTOjBIdeSvg/WYOvCU6a47I/AAAAAAAAApg/dcLluvNEUVYCihwFTBolkTNNxMnxQa59gCLcBGAs/s1600/meaning.jpg" imageanchor="1" ><img border="0" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-CTOjBIdeSvg/WYOvCU6a47I/AAAAAAAAApg/dcLluvNEUVYCihwFTBolkTNNxMnxQa59gCLcBGAs/s320/meaning.jpg" width="320" height="126" data-original-width="377" data-original-height="148" /></a><br />
<br />
<br />
"A life without meaning is to cease to exist. We all have a purpose in life; a unique plan that has been mapped out for us from birth. In attempting to discover our purpose in life we often experience difficulty because we look for it in all the wrong places. We all have specific interest and desires which leads us in the right direction, and when we discover our purpose we usually find that we have been preparing ourselves for fulfilling our purpose all of our lives."<br />
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Angelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06234552223438067797noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-792237025040367036.post-76687086986559593072017-07-20T18:56:00.000-04:002017-07-20T18:57:09.694-04:00Butterfly CrackersStrange title?<br />
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Maybe.<br />
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Who would think butterfly crackers are something to talk about?<br />
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....um, that would be me!<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-NFa28T_AUv0/WXEsZX1HWBI/AAAAAAAAAnk/Fs4Le8QW3iot76AJfEDUdJbvejHpvpm8gCLcBGAs/s1600/cracker.jpg" imageanchor="1" ><img border="0" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-NFa28T_AUv0/WXEsZX1HWBI/AAAAAAAAAnk/Fs4Le8QW3iot76AJfEDUdJbvejHpvpm8gCLcBGAs/s320/cracker.jpg" width="240" height="320" data-original-width="1200" data-original-height="1600" /></a><br />
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You see, I attended an event last week for my new job. On the menu, butterfly crackers. <br />
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Why is that so cool? <br />
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If you follow my blog you already know. If not, well let me tell you. Since 2013 butterflies have held special meaning to me.<br />
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It was a few months before our sweet baby girl left my arms and crossed over to Jesus. It was an especially hard day. Stevie and I were fighting to come to terms with the fact that all signs were pointing to Zeta not being with us much longer. We were fighting to let go. On that day....as I walked outside...crying...begging, and questioning God about all the decisions and circumstances we were dealing with...I saw 2 of the most beautiful butterflies I had ever seen in my life! They seemed to dance right in front of me....intertwining....a spectacular show for my eyes alone. I knew then it was a sign....a sign to comfort my breaking heart...a sign that God's grace and mercy would cover my pain. The next day, we met with the team from Hospice Care of South Carolina. The nurse seated across from me at my dining room table was wearing butterfly scrubs. All of that is just the beginning. So many times after that, butterflies would visit us. Butterflies are a sign of freedom, resurrection, and hope. For me, butterflies became "Zeta's sign."<br />
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So, it shouldn't really be a big deal that I notice butterflies a lot now....<br />
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....except that it is.<br />
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It had been a very long while since butterflies repeatedly appeared for me....<br />
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Now, it seems to be happening a lot again.<br />
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My 2nd or 3rd week with Hospice Care of South Carolina, I was invited to ride with one of our Chaplains. When I got in her car, I noticed a butterfly ornament on her bag. On the ride to our patient's house we discussed the special significance of what butterflies meant to each of us. (By the way, she uses butterflies with a lot of her bereavement groups.) I was a little nervous about the visit we were going on. There was some concern that the family felt "the time" was close. I wasn't sure how I would handle my first up-close situation while working in an "official position" with hospice. I have a history of being able to "keep it together" in tough times....but the question still always dances in my mind, "Can I keep it together when the pain is so familiar?"<br />
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I was mesmerized when we entered the house.....the walls were covered in butterfly wallpaper!......I'm pretty sure there isn't much more to say about that. There was a lot of love and peace in that house, and I'm very thankful I was able to witness a small part of it.<br />
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Yesterday, I talked briefly to a lady with a beautiful butterfly pin on her badge. She told me about the loss of her mom and how hospice was such a blessing for her family.<br />
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Today, I'm praying for someone who also lost her sweet girl.....her latest tattoo....just take a look....<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-wpqjiHv43x8/WXE08AoAPpI/AAAAAAAAAn8/IL642aIwasUePLf_1hq-32SvZQH1x0FJACLcBGAs/s1600/seeyou.PNG" imageanchor="1" ><img border="0" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-wpqjiHv43x8/WXE08AoAPpI/AAAAAAAAAn8/IL642aIwasUePLf_1hq-32SvZQH1x0FJACLcBGAs/s320/seeyou.PNG" width="320" height="236" data-original-width="486" data-original-height="359" /></a><br />
so, butterflies are pretty special to her too....<br />
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I'm convinced nothing is coincidental....sometimes, it just takes us being a little more assertive....sometimes we have lots of questions.....and sometimes the answers are as simple as butterfly crackers <3Angelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06234552223438067797noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-792237025040367036.post-74420941817629345822017-06-06T16:47:00.000-04:002017-06-06T16:47:38.286-04:00My WhyIn the world of competing and fitness there's a saying that goes, "Always know your why."<br />
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I've been thinking about my "why" a lot lately. <br />
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It's weird because Hospice Care of South Carolina recently posted a video on their Facebook page entitled, <i>My "why" behind Hospice Care of South Carolina</i>.<br />
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Our upcoming mission trip, my health and fitness journey, and my upcoming career change......I've been pondering <i>my why</i>....<br />
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There are times I keep to myself and other times I feel like showcasing my life for the world to see. It's easier to share when I'm really in tune with my "why".<br />
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Well, I was going through an old phone today and came across some pictures.<br />
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It's a flyer I came across at a conference I attended shortly after Zeta went to Heaven. It's from <i>Hands of Hope - Hospice Care of South Carolina</i>. That's Jena, Child Life Specialist, holding our sweet baby Zeta. The caption in the corner reads, "This past year, under the care of Hands of Hope, our family lived a life full of hope and purposeful memories"...... a statement I made about our care from Hands of Hope and Hospice Care of South Carolina. <br />
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THIS is my WHY. This should be the "why" of why I do anything....to <i>live a life full of hope and purposeful memories</i>....It's why I chose to go to Haiti, it's why I push to make myself better, and it's why I chose to be a part of Hospice Care of South Carolina. <br />
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I want other people to understand the mission and benefit of hospice care. We were blessed in already having a great home care nurse. With the addition of palliative care from Hands of Hope we had even more support....and finally, during Zeta's last month of life we transitioned to true hospice care. <br />
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A loving support network rooted in God's love can move mountains and calm the seas even in the most unbearable situations. I want be the hands and feet..... <br />
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So, that's my why....what's yours?<br />
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Angelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06234552223438067797noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-792237025040367036.post-6954221214451864912017-05-21T18:36:00.000-04:002017-05-21T18:36:51.571-04:00steadfastnessIt's just hard to consider some things a coincidence.<br />
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I've always felt this way, especially when a particular verse of scripture continues to show up - like God is screaming at me to listen to whatever He's trying to tell me.<br />
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Take Jeremiah 29:11. How many times that verse manifested itself in my life even before we knew all that was to come.<br />
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Well, it seems the scripture I should be concentrating on right now comes from the book of James:<br />
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Funny thing is, it's not like I feel like I'm going through some big trial right now. If anything, I'm more at peace with myself...and my life...and God...than I have been in quite a while. Maybe He's just trying to remind me through the little things.....<br />
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A friend of mine gave me the <i>Made to Crave </i>Devotional by Lysa Terkeurst last week. My friend is someone I really look up to and rely on when it comes to healthy eating, motivation, inspiration, and self-discipline. She knows at least 2 things about me - I love God & I often struggle with disordered eating.....thus the awesome devotional!<br />
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Well, just look at what I ran into on Day 4 of the devotional:<br />
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(I just shared the whole devotion...just in case it helps someone:)<br />
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If you read my last couple of blogs (hey, I've managed one per week...I'm on a roll:P) then you know that this scripture has been staring me in the face a lot lately...and if I'm honest, it really came in pretty handy this week. I fought kidney stones again since last Sunday. This gave me a complete lack of appetite....which led to craving lots of bread and cookies and all things dough-y (think giant cinnabons!) That disordered thinking about food led me to believe that all the soft, bread-filled, gooey goodness would make me feel better....and in all actuality, considering I was eating only half the calories on my meal plan the extra food probably would have given me a boost....at least momentarily.....thing is, the moment I would have allowed myself to fall into the trap of comforting myself with food I would have lost my battle. Would I have immediately gained 10 pounds? No, but I would have beaten myself up...probably decided I already failed so I should just go ahead and eat a bag of reeses too...then that would lead to binge eating everyday until I was feeling better....which would have led to who knows how long to getting back on track. Would any of that have been worth it? No, not to me...not right now....venturing off my meal-plan doesn't help me meet my current goals. I guess I can relate it to an alcoholic. I don't always know how to enjoy things like that in moderation! So, right now...if I don't plan for it, then it doesn't need go into in my belly! (side-note, I did plan that once I was feeling better I would have some raw cookie dough I kept eyeing....and Friday afternoon when I started feeling better I did!!!...just don't tell my trainer:~)<br />
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I'm sure you can see how that particular devotional was perfect for my mindset this past week.<br />
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What's funny is...it goes so much deeper than that.<br />
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For some reason, I've had lots of second-guessing going on in my mind this week. Maybe it was because I wasn't feeling well....or maybe it was because of the food struggle going on in my head...who knows. <br />
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Stevie and I are going to Haiti on a mission trip this summer. When I volunteered to go I had no idea how we would pay for it and I had no thoughts of safety or anything else. I just felt like God was pushing me to do it. I think Stevie just signed up to protect me:-P Anyway, for some reason there have been lots of little thoughts going on in my head this week. Lots of what-ifs and worries. Like, I don't know where they're even coming from....but they're definitely there. I believe it's Satan's temptation making me question God's hand or protection in this....sooo....how appropriate that the scripture from James has been so fresh on my mind for the past 3 weeks?!<br />
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One more thing....last week I shared about changing directions in my career....... I have to say I think it caught quite a few people off guard. Understandably so. I had only shared the news with my immediate family, a close friend, my preacher and my administration. I can honestly say it's still something that I can't even fully explain....it's just something I feel I'm being nudged to do. There have been some questions people ask - mostly "Why" and "What will you be doing?" A few have wondered why I would leave a job I love and the security of teacher retirement, benefits, and summer break. One person even asked if I would be making a lot more money (because that's the only logical reason people leave a job they like).....with all of these questions I've had all kinds of thoughts in my mind.....but still it's something I feel like I should do. So maybe...just maybe God is using the scripture from the book of James to remind me not to feel deprived over the loss of summers off...maybe there's a bigger purpose and a bigger triumph somewhere.....who knows....I just know I have to keep praying and keep trusting. Maybe Hospice is what God's plan has been for me all along or maybe it's just where I need to be for now....any way that it goes, I'm just gonna trust Him!<br />
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Hopefully, if there are questions you have in your own mind right now, maybe something from the book of James....or something else is speaking to you....just hang on!<br />
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Love, <br />
AngelAngelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06234552223438067797noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-792237025040367036.post-74796344156382260472017-05-12T16:25:00.000-04:002017-05-12T16:25:15.486-04:00change<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-53PprLTQOmY/WROAeTNs6KI/AAAAAAAAAlM/6GMiUEjodVEVbhcIQK36LaYVg5R_gb3uwCLcB/s1600/change.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-53PprLTQOmY/WROAeTNs6KI/AAAAAAAAAlM/6GMiUEjodVEVbhcIQK36LaYVg5R_gb3uwCLcB/s320/change.jpg" width="320" height="320" /></a></div><br />
Change can be scary. I don't think anyone can argue with that.<br />
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Change can also be exciting.<br />
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Change can be something we desire, something we didn't see coming or something we don't like very much....but still...any way you put it...change is scary!<br />
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I feel like my life has been full of changes for the past seven years. What's funny though is how I can sometimes see just a glimpse of God's plans after things have changed. I've often stood amazed at God's timing and how life works....how things often come full circle...even when it seems it would never end up that way.<br />
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When I was put on bed-rest in January 2010, I didn't really have any idea that within the next few months I would be resigning from the career I loved so much - a job I felt I was called to do. I had no idea that a sweet baby girl would steal our hearts and change our lives forever. I had no idea of all the challenges we had yet to face. <br />
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After Zeta died in 2013, I felt I found <i>another</i> true calling in life (which doesn't seem to happen often)....we helped continue the idea of Team Zeta (started by family and friends) as a mission to serve sick and special needs families and their children and families......and my friend and I took on our own personal missions to "save the world" by spreading the word of Jesus. I loved being able to tell others our story and witness about all the wonderful things that God had orchestrated in our lives....and she enjoyed being the manager, cheerleader, and P.R. director (at least she acted like she enjoyed it :p)..... It gave me a purpose and calling...a way to deal with the grief and also a way to help others. <br />
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Within a couple of months I had a couple of job offers and I went back to work. That's what people do. They get on with life and try to get back to "normal" after death. I went to work at AJA. Though my title was the same (school counselor) - the setting was different. I was working with a different group of children in a different atmosphere....but I loved it. I liked the family atmosphere and being able to work through difficulties with older children. I liked being able to openly witness in the school setting.<br />
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October 2014 - I heard the sad news that Anita passed away unexpectedly. Anita was the sweetest soul you'd ever meet. She was one of my peer observers during my first year teaching in Barnwell, and she taught my oldest child in elementary school. She even came to visit us in Arizona when Zeta had brain surgery (she was close by on vacation). She always had the brightest smile....seemed forever happy....and never had a bad word to say about anyone...and no one ever had a bad thing to say about her either! Anita was also the person who became school counselor after I resigned. So, January 2015....under bittersweet circumstances, I returned to my passion as school counselor at Barnwell Primary School. Few people can say they have the opportunity to return to "life as they knew it". I realized right away how God had somehow brought all of this together. I still don't understand the whys or all of the ins and outs....but Anita was the perfect person to fill the role of school counselor....the reasons and timing of why I left were not of my own choosing and I knew in my mind I would never be able to return to the same position...people just don't leave this job....she was meant to be there for a purpose.....The first day I walked into the office I remember just sitting there.....dumbfounded. I questioned why <i>my little girl</i>....why <i>Anita</i>... why <i>death</i>...and at the same time I was so grateful that I was back to where I felt I belonged. I ended up writing a lengthy letter to Anita's mom... ..pouring out my heart....sharing my soul....and hoping I could offer at least a little comfort to her. There's a connection you have as a mom who has lost a child....it's not a club that you want to belong to...you don't even ever have to say anything...but there <i>is</i> a connection.<br />
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I have to admit, I was a little nervous about going back to my old job. I mean, Anita was a class-act. You know, those people that no one can compare? Well, it wasn't like that. Everyone welcomed me with open arms. Just about all the teachers were the same friends I left a few years before. The biggest difference was the administration. Not one administrative person was the same! I was quite worried about how I would fit in.....thankfully, my insecurities were quickly laid to rest and even my new administration felt comfortable and familiar. I knew I was back to where I belonged.<br />
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A big thing that changed during all of this time was my drive and mission to share our story with others. Granted, much of it had to do with slipping back into worldly ways and not reflecting and listening as much to God....I mean...when Zeta was alive and in the few months after she died that's all I did.... I prayed...I reflected...I prayed some more...I wrote...I shared...I reached out....because it helped me heal....and because I had so much to tell about all the ways we were blessed. The more I worked and fell back into "real life" the less I prayed, reflected, and shared. It wasn't on purpose.....and no one caused it....I guess maybe I just couldn't quite figure out how to balance my "old" life and "present" life. <br />
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So many things have changed in the past 7 years....and things continue to change all the time....Just when I think I have it figured out, I realize there's a whole lot I don't know or understand. I know that I love my life and I am appreciative of every opportunity given to me so far. I know there are so many things I wish I could change, but I also realize that I don't understand God's whole plan. I understand that God calls us to do certain things....and I know that I don't always want to listen....I also know that sometimes I worry about whether I'm doing what God <i>calls</i> me to do or what <i>I</i> want to do....<br />
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No wonder change is so scary....I can look back and see that some decisions I've made were absolutely on-point and in line with God's direction in my life....other decisions - well, let's just say...not so much! The best I can do is pray and have the faith that God protects me. <br />
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So.... with all of this talk about change, I just wanted to let you know this.....I feel God has led me in a different direction in my life and has given me the opportunity to share our story in a different light. In the next few weeks, I will, again, walk away from a job I love.....I'll miss hugging all my school babies and seeing their smiling faces....... but what I hope to do will be just as rewarding...share a story of hope with the medical community and the community as a whole. I will be working with Hospice Care of South Carolina as an educator/advocate/community liaison....I'll have the opportunity to share our story and experience first-hand! <br />
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I'm sure I'll be sharing more about exactly what all it entails as I figure it out myself. Just pray for me. Pray for my family as we embark on yet another change <3
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Angelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06234552223438067797noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-792237025040367036.post-49535575258795662622017-05-07T20:02:00.001-04:002017-05-07T20:02:42.503-04:00Count it all JOYIt used to be a common (albeit amazing) thing for me to notice all the ways God chose to speak to me. After Zeta was born, and the year after she died, I experienced the most intense, real, and fulfilling relationship I'd ever had with Christ Jesus.<br />
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Regretfully, the two years that ensued after that were filled with chaos, confusion, bad decisions, hurt, and what seemed an impenetrable wall between God and me. I went back to work, my marriage appeared to crumble before my eyes, I had (yet again) lost my plan, seemed to fail at everything (or worse - gave up attempting at life...not caring about myself or anyone or anything else seemed to be the easiest option).....I felt I had totally lost my purpose....my health declined....and life continued to happen (maybe spiral out of control is a better description). I continued to try to smile, but I felt so empty inside.... and that emptiness filled every aspect of my life....and left me continually searching.<br />
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Slowly, over the past year and a half or so, I've started to talk to God again...or maybe I should say I began to <i>listen</i> again....I don't think I ever gave up talking to God....I had plenty to talk about...plenty of reasoning for why I felt the way I felt and why I chose the things I chose and why there just wasn't much purpose to my life anymore. Yep, I had tons to talk about....I just didn't really care to listen! <br />
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Well, I've done plenty of listening lately....thing is, I have trouble with the thoughts of how I messed up....how I ran a million miles in the opposite direction of where I had been...that's just Satan trying to remain in my way...If anything, through all of my experiences, I've learned that God is merciful...and forgiving.<br />
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A friend recently gave me a book titled <i>Move On</i> by Vicki Courtney. The back cover gives this message "...Once we face our messes, God, with his sweet mercy, can help us get real, deal, and truly move on. Then with Mercy by our side, we are able to break free and experience the grace and freedom God intends." Just a couple of days ago, in the book, I read Courtney's take on James 1:2...."Count it all joy...when you meet trials of various kinds." I spent a lot of time thinking of how that verse sustained me many times during Zeta's short life and how I could count the joy because of the HOPE I held in my heart.....the HOPE through every hospital admission, every procedure.....and even the HOPE through Zeta's death...and the assurance that, through God, she conquered life and death...and that one day I would too....but that's where things changed. After thinking about my running so long from life and God, I began to question how God could have 'allowed' me to make such poor choices...to lose my purpose, my vision, my hope....I wondered how He could 'let me' quit caring about much of anything....I wondered how He could 'let' my body fail me.... once I got a grasp on the fact that God didn't cause those things- 99% of it was direct consequences of my own actions - Once I realized that and decided to seek HIM again - things started changing....BUT I wondered if I was so far away from Him that it was just too much work to hope again...or maybe that I don't have the credibility to be "preaching" HOPE to the masses...that's what I have such a hard time overcoming now....Spiritually, I'm in a <i>much</i> better place than even a year ago...it's the forgiving myself and feeling 'worthy enough' to share God's great mercies and sing His praises that I have difficulty with right now. I mean, who am <b>I<i></i></b> to talk faith when all I did for so long was run away from God - not to mention it was after the fact that I had already fallen flat on my face and understood His power and my weakness when I let go of any control I thought I had after Zeta was born....<br />
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Today, our pastor's sermon came from that same verse in the book of James....and he preached on it again tonight...All, I can say is that I'm listening and I'm hearing every word loud and clear. God loves, God forgives....we have control of our own decisions...and yes, even the trials that we bring upon ourselves can produce suffering that leads us to understand the MIGHTINESS of God. <br />
<br />
So, you know what? God is still speaking...I'm admitting my mistakes...but (more importantly) I'm also moving on past them...and the most amazing thing? Though our hearts fragile...our marriage is strong.....my support network loving...my life has purpose and most of all.....God is showing up just as real and as intense as before...<br />
<br />
Today marks 4 years that Zeta left this earth. That day is a bittersweet memory for sure....The day we held our baby girl as she left all the suffering here on earth to stand in GLORY with JESUS...It probably sounds strange to most...but it was a calm and peaceful series of moments that I cherish...because God had His hand around me as she took her last breath and I in those final moments I never doubted His plan. What's glorious about today is how He used this verse of scripture (more than once) to prove to me that He is still present...still holding His arms wide open...and is still the KING of HOPE and GLORY.<br />
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You can take it from me...and ordinary, messed up sinner...searching for God...no longer searching for answers...or read it for yourself here in the book of James....https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=James+1&version=NIV<br />
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While you're at it, take a listen to two of my favorite songs:<br />
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B6fA35Ved-Y<br />
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DjNZf878ISQ<br />
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If I can accept defeat, start again and move on....YOU can too<3<br />
<br />
Love,<br />
Angel<br />
Angelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06234552223438067797noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-792237025040367036.post-38644605250332193822017-03-24T19:53:00.001-04:002017-03-24T19:53:36.058-04:00Letting God back InGrief happens in about a million ways.<br />
<br />
Just look around.<br />
<br />
March to May always seems the hardest. Zeta was born in March. Three years later, she died in May. Perhaps its not harder....maybe I just reflect more....or take time to either actually feel my thoughts - or run away from them....maybe both..A tumultuous journey of ....well, feeling. No more running...just feeling...and dealing with it.<br />
<br />
I think about my grandmoma, who lost her oldest son last year. (His birthday was just this week.) I can't begin to wrap my head around that. <i>Your. Grown. Child.</i> Your hard-working, full of quiet personality <i>grown-up</i> child. A person you've known and loved longer than most anybody else in the world. I can understand at least a piece of that, but certainly not in the same way my grandmoma feels and experiences it. Logical human reasoning tells us that our children should not die before us.....I've seen how much that grief has changed her. We can blame it all on old age. I mean she has a few years on 90....but I know where her mind is...It's tired, it's hurting, it feels broken.<br />
<br />
I think about my mom, who lost her brother. They were 12 years apart, so I'm sure, in some ways, maybe he seemed more like a father figure when she was younger. Maybe they didn't always see eye-to-eye.... just like my sister and me (and 99.9% of all siblings).... but he was her brother. <br />
<br />
I think about my closest cousin who lost her dad. A pain I don't even want to begin to understand. The expected order of life is that our parents will pass on before us....but where does that leave us? <br />
<br />
I think about the thoughts that must surely flow through their minds. I wonder if they feel normal. I question what normal even really means.<br />
<br />
Loss impacts us in ways we could never imagine. It can strengthen your faith or crack your soul....perhaps a little of both...depending on the moment.<br />
<br />
If I thought I was normal before Zeta died, then I often question if I'll ever feel normal again.....Grief pushes your mind to places you never knew existed...places you wish to never visit again...and places you can't seem to escape...on the other hand it can force you to examine yourself, your strength, your faith. It can cause you to break in ways you never dreamed possible and make you question your trust in everything around you...your trust in yourself....maybe even your trust in God.....<br />
<br />
....but God understands that....He created us....He knows we are imperfect....He knows...He just knows. The most wonderful thing is He is always there. <b>HE never gives up<i></i></b>.<br />
<br />
The first year after Zeta died, I felt at peace. I knew God was there and I felt my place in life. After that, Satan slowly crept into my life. I began to question my capability as a mother, a wife - a functioning person in society. I questioned my purpose. I questioned my worth. I struggled with all sorts of addictions...if you know anything about addictions, you know that not all involve drugs...addictions (simply) involve actions or habits. Some even seem healthy....some not so much.....BUT if you're using your actions, habits, things, whatever - to fill a void or escape feelings....well...then its <i>an <i>addiction</i></i>. Without even realizing it, I was determined to run away or destroy my life. Slowly, I've found balance...some days I feel almost like a normal person....and some days...well, I might just feel disconnected.<br />
<br />
Grief....and addictions can poison your body. I've been there too. Whether health woes manifest from stress and anxiety or an unnamed autoimmune response has yet to be determined....but it's real.<br />
<br />
Now, put the grief of 4 very different individuals in one house. Sometimes, we hold the grief in for fear of making someone else hurt. Sometimes the pain of grief comes out as anger towards people who love us most....but sometimes grief gives you awesome perspective on just how precious life really is....<br />
<br />
I worry.<br />
<br />
I worry about my boys - the fact that they're teenagers now....and they've had this front row seat on a journey they never asked for or even saw coming....I am amazed at how resilient they have been and fear the things that they keep stuffed inside. I worry that me being wrapped in my own grief -and decisions I've made- will one day cause their own brokenness.<br />
<br />
I worry about Stevie. Sometimes it is easy to forget that he lost a child too. Sometimes I get so wrapped in my own head...needing and wanting my own things...that I forget.<br />
<br />
It sounds awful...<i>it is awful</i>.<br />
<br />
<b>.....BUT</b><br />
<br />
It is also amazing....and....incredible....<br />
<br />
<b>IF you have GOD....IF you have FAITH.<br />
<i></i></b><br />
<br />
With God All Things Are Possible.<br />
<br />
With God, life on earth is not eternal.<br />
<br />
With God, Love is gracious, and wonderful, and merciful.<br />
<br />
With God, we can beat life....and grief...and death.<br />
<br />
During (and after) Zeta's short life I witnessed, first-hand, God's everlasting grace, and strength and mercy. I knew a peace unsurpassed. A peace so unexplainable that all I wanted to do was share it with others. With God, I truly understood the meaning of "All things are possible." I knew....and <i>I know</i>. God has courage when mine is gone. God has understanding when I have questions. God has love when my heart feels bitter. <i>God is everything.</i> <br />
<br />
What's frustrating is I know this....I truly, honestly, 1,000 percent know this....<i>and I still fail</i>. I've failed in so many ways that I sometimes question how God still loves me and blesses me in the way that he does. What's frustrating is the fog in my brain, the searching for purpose....the constant thoughts in my head....when I <i>know</i> God is peace. <br />
<br />
I let God back in...What's reassuring is <b>HE</b> never left...<br />
<br />
<br />
Angelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06234552223438067797noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-792237025040367036.post-64407974508050763982016-04-19T18:14:00.005-04:002016-04-19T18:14:47.245-04:00Imposter Beware<br />
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Imposter Syndrome.<br />
<br />
I've been tossing this around in my head for a while now.<br />
<br />
I think it's a pretty accurate sentiment about how I would describe myself.<br />
<br />
If you've followed much of my blog you understand that I fight a lot with always understanding my "purpose" or trying to figure out exactly what my life should be since the death of my daughter three years ago.<br />
<br />
3 years.<br />
<br />
THREE YEARS.<br />
<br />
In just a few weeks it will be three years since my little girl took her last earthly breath and transitioned into a world I have yet to encounter.<br />
<br />
Three years. Some days it seems so long ago....and yet others it seems as though it could have been just yesterday.<br />
<br />
...but I digress.<br />
<br />
This imposter syndrome thing....well, to be honest, I've had it most of my life....Well, at least the life where I started to care much about what other people thought about me....<br />
<br />
I'm pretty sure it started when I was 5.<br />
<br />
I guess that's the first time I remember someone calling me "fat, but nice." Hmmmm.....if I couldn't be pretty then I would be nice....only I didn't always <i>feel</i> so nice....but being nice made people happy....so was I really a nice person? Do you follow me here? This is when I first dealt with "imposter syndrome".<br />
<br />
<br />
Oh, I've dealt with it a lot over the years. I was labeled smart....but I worried people would find out <i>I really wasn't</i>. I was labeled a dingy blond...but <i>I knew I was smart</i> (maybe)....I just played around to make people laugh (well, most of the time)......I was labeled athletic and strong....only thing is..a lot of the times I just went as hard as I could....I really didn't know what I was doing. I felt like a lot of the opportunities in life afforded to me were only given to me because of who I was - like my family, where I came from....or because I was nice......or maybe it was just good luck or good genes.....I was only pretty because my parents or friends said I was pretty....if you're a girl you're called pretty, right?....but I wasn't like the girls in the magazines..... I wasn't so sure I deserved all (or sometimes any) of the good things people came to expect from or of me.<br />
<br />
So you understand this imposter syndrome thing now? It's like you're living your life and you're afraid people will find out who you "really" are - (which you aren't even sure of who that might be) and then your life will be ruined...... and you'll have no friends and you'll lose everything.....and you won't know who to be....or how to act....and you'll write horrible run-on sentences that make your English teacher cringe.....<br />
<br />
Evidently, imposter syndrome is something a lot of people feel.....look it up! <br />
<br />
Our identities are so hinged on acceptance and success that we're bound to not feel good enough at atleast some point!<br />
<br />
I can honestly say there was one time in my life I won the battle against imposter syndrome.<br />
<br />
Zeta.<br />
<br />
Yep, the hardest days of my life were also some of the happiest. The most unsure moments of my life were defined by a force propelled by something than my own soul.......It took a few weeks...or maybe a few months....but once I 'figured' it out I knew what I was supposed to do and exactly how to do it. I understood pain and mercy, love and grace, and so many other things....I understood that my mission was to be a mother, to pray fervently, and to exude hope beyond a magnitude I had never known. I never once worried about whether or not people believed that I was a mother....or that I prayed....or that I had the highest hopes in my heart.....<br />
<br />
Wasn't my job to worry about that....<br />
<br />
Didn't have time to worry about it.<br />
<br />
Now?<br />
<br />
My life has an obvious split point.<br />
<br />
Life <i>before</i> Zeta.....and life <i>after</i> Zeta.<br />
<br />
That's not to say that everything before or after Zeta is not important....<br />
<br />
...but it's how I define a lot of things....<br />
<br />
Life after Zeta has been....well...let's say..hmm.... an IMPOSTER SYNDROME NIGHTMARE!@#$%!<br />
<br />
Wouldn't it be great if we could always live without feeling like an imposter??? .....like everyday was the most important day ever and could be our last?......living everyday like we know our purpose, our destiny...our meaning in life......<br />
<br />
Today, I say to heck with that little voice that says I'm not good enough....not smart enough...not pretty enough...not nice enough..... not ________________ (you fill in the blank enough)......<br />
<br />
I'm not an imposter - I was created by God. I'm real, I'm human. I hurt and I've been hurt. I have fears and I have dreams. I forgive and I am forgiven. <br />
<br />
God sent His Son to show us we are good enough.....instead of worrying about people finding out you're not really who they think you are - how about focusing on all the wonderful traits God invested in you...<br />
<br />
When your focus is on Him there's little time to worry about anything else....<br />
<br />
and the bonus?<br />
<br />
Well, let's just say --- He made you pretty perfect:)<br />
<br />
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As for God, his way is perfect: The Lord's word is flawless; he shields all who take refuge in him.<br />
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Angelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06234552223438067797noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-792237025040367036.post-32514411266373815102015-12-13T16:24:00.000-05:002015-12-13T16:24:06.363-05:00Faith of a Mustard Seed<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-wPQ6Gtoe48Y/Vm3S2ZIW9iI/AAAAAAAAAio/GvfIPEOLnck/s1600/family.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-wPQ6Gtoe48Y/Vm3S2ZIW9iI/AAAAAAAAAio/GvfIPEOLnck/s320/family.jpg" /></a></div><br />
"This.....this doesn't exist anymore." Stevie angrily told me this one night. There was more to what he was saying than you can even imagine.<br />
<br />
It's so true. This doesn't exist anymore. The smiling faces of a family of five. Mom, Dad, two sweet boys, and a precious baby girl. It doesn't exist anymore.<br />
<br />
I wish I could explain to you all the meaning that statement had behind it..... but.....for now, at least..... I can't.<br />
<br />
The obvious part is that after May 7, 2013 the family pictured above ceased to exist. That's the day our sweet baby girl took her last breath....laying in my arms.....surrounded by close family and friends.<br />
<br />
So much has changed since that day. The picture was actually taken just a few days before God took my sweet baby girl to spend eternity with Him. So much had already changed in our family...Some things changed in ways we didn't want or expect, but so many more things changed for the better.<br />
<br />
Over the past few years, I also changed in ways I never wanted or expected. I also changed in ways that I never knew were possible - both good and bad....<br />
<br />
I questioned my place with God....and I found peace with Him....<br />
<br />
I fell away from Him and held a grudge so large that I didn't even admit it was there....<br />
<br />
I chased happiness doing church things and then things that God nor many others would approve of....<br />
<br />
I lost the peace....I lost my assurance....or rather, I let it slip away....<br />
<br />
It seemed to happen so slowly that I wasn't even aware of what was happening....<br />
<br />
Others could see it....some even tried to speak it, but I would hear none of it....<br />
<br />
Walking in my house I only wanted to run away....looking at my family I only saw pain and death....I focused on the fact that I wanted to be somewhere else...I didn't know where, but I knew it wasn't here.... I was chasing peace and happiness....<br />
<br />
Only, I forgot where that all resides.....<br />
<br />
I forgot about the day I fell flat on my face in a hotel room praying for my sweet baby and knowing that I, nor a soul on this earth, could change anything that was happening. I prayed to God in a way I never had before. I didn't make any deals, I didn't ask for healing, I didn't ask for the pain to stop...I didn't even ask for him to save my baby girl or rescue either of us from the pain we were experiencing. I simply prayed for Him to take control.<br />
<br />
...and He did...<br />
<br />
....in such a BIG way....<br />
<br />
...in a way I had only <i>heard</i> was possible.<br />
<br />
God calmed my heart. He gave me peace. He took all of my worry away. He assured me that everything happening was only temporary and that He was in control. He assured me it wouldn't last forever, and He gave me the strength to make it through that night....and the next....and all the nights after that. <br />
<br />
I hung on to that peace for a very long time. I'm pretty sure that peace sustained me through the day Zeta took her last breath and the days after.<br />
<br />
Some time though....at some moment...the questions stirred in my mind again....why was this happening....was I being punished? Wasn't I good enough? Didn't I do everything right that I knew to do? Why then, did my baby die..... <br />
<br />
I can look back now and see that I held those questions in my heart.....I was just too afraid to admit it or say it out loud. I was too afraid to feel my own pain. I was afraid of questioning God and losing my peace. I was dumb enough to believe that God could not handle the fiery balls of anger I held in my heart. <br />
<br />
...but I know now it was there....I remember following children on facebook and not being able to finish reading some of their stories because they were too familiar. I remember questioning what kind of God would allow so many babies and children and families to suffer.....I remember all of the whys......<br />
<br />
Thing is, I never would say "Why me God....Why my baby?"......but I know now that's what I was really wanting to say.....<br />
<br />
Instead, I kept my feelings hidden....ha, as if God didn't know what I was thinking.....still, I was so great at hiding the true feelings from myself that I thought I could hide them from everyone else....including God.<br />
<br />
What a stupid, human thing to think, huh?<br />
<br />
Instead of hurling my angry comments and questions at God I started looking for my own peace. <br />
<br />
I tried good things and not so good things. I tried 'God" things and not so Godly things.<br />
<br />
I've spent nearly 3 years running from the anger, the grudges....the hate....the questions.....what I <i>did</i> finally realize is that at the same time I was also running from the love...the peace...the joy.<br />
<br />
By the time I realized this is what I was doing I fooled myself into believing I was too far gone to ever find that peace again....I told myself this is just how it was going to be...<br />
<br />
I'd find myself for a little while....I'd come close to feeling whole again and then I'd run......<br />
<br />
I'd start to feel the pain and I would shut down....<br />
<br />
I'd start to feel God and there satan would appear....ready to interest me in something that would lead me back away from God.<br />
<br />
I'd start to feel God and I would shut Him out.<br />
<br />
One thing that has amazed me throughout our journey is God's timing and some of the people He has surrounded me with....<br />
<br />
There are people in my life who should have given up long, long ago....<br />
<br />
There are people in my life that I know constantly say, "Ok God, when is she gonna wake up?" "When is she going to stop running?" "When is she going to remember that there are still two precious boys and a loving husband that need her?" When is she going to realize God never left?" <br />
<br />
Truth be told, there have times I've even asked myself these same questions.....but I had convinced myself I had grown too far away to have the peace I once felt.....<br />
<br />
I don't know if I didn't feel as though I didn't deserve forgiveness or if I was afraid that it wouldn't be given.....wow, what a disgrace to admit....that's saying that Jesus' death on the cross was in vain....what a typical non-believing thing to think....<br />
<br />
I've always preached on my faith....I've always known that once you're saved that faith is the impetus that pushes you through....<br />
<br />
Unfortunately, (or maybe <i>very fortunately</i>) my faith dwindled to that of the mustard seed....<br />
<br />
(At least the mustard seed still existed, eh)<br />
<br />
I still had faith that things here are only temporary....and I had faith that one day.... maybe..... I could find the peace I so longingly searched for.....<br />
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Notice the questions still laced in that thought? <i>"Maybe"</i> I could find that peace.....<br />
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The only thing that has kept me from that peace is myself.....<br />
<br />
Only very recently have I fully decided that I'm tired of fighting this battle on my own.....only very recently have I turned back to give my full focus to God....and only very recently have I remembered that although the family pictured above doesn't exist anymore that there is a lot left to fight for....<br />
<br />
I realized again that this hard life is only temporary......<br />
<br />
I realized that although that family in the picture above doesn't exist anymore that I am still surrounded by two boys and a man that loves me.....<br />
<br />
I realize what we have been through and all that is yet to come.<br />
<br />
I realize that I've longed for the family pictured above to exist again....That I've been so angry that it was destroyed and torn apart.....I realize we did a lot of things on our own to try to finish destroying it....<br />
Most of all, I realize that the family pictured there is not what I really desire.....The family pictured there is broken and imperfect....a family, that although filled with smiles and love, was also filled with pain and death and brokenness....the family I want is the family God created and put together. <br />
<br />
I thought it began with a man and a woman that loved each other and created three precious lives....<br />
<br />
I understand now that God created that man and woman with a free will to follow Him....to guide those children in His ways, and to seek eternity with Him....<br />
<br />
So, while I'm going to enjoy the time I have left here as a part of this family, I'm also going to bask in the glory of the day we will all be together in eternity. The day when we are no longer broken....when there are no more tears....and no more pain.... when Zeta shows us how to dance with the angels....the day when we are all whole again.<br />
<br />
I have no doubt that it will happen....we've all been blessed to experience and accept God's glorious gift of life....<br />
<br />
....and I'm thankful for mercy and forgiveness....so much that has been shown to me that I have the ultimate duty and honor of sharing God's love for all of us.<br />
<br />
Take it from me....there is nothing too hard for God....there's nothing so big or so horrible that God can't fix....there's nothing that says you can't change your life right now....It doesn't matter if you've never accepted God's gift of Salvation or if you feel like you've messed up a million times....God forgives....God heals....God loves....<br />
<br />
God disciplines....but don't all good parents? Isn't that what we do? God loves you more than you can possibly imagine...His love for you is greater than any love you've ever given or received and that's a difficult thing to imagine....<br />
<br />
Living for God isn't always the easiest thing to do....but it's definitely the best.<br />
<br />
You're gonna mess up...you're gonna be judged.<br />
<br />
You're gonna feel pain. You're gonna experience death and brokenness. <br />
<br />
Wouldn't it be awesome to have a Hope for so much more? Wouldn't it be wonderful to be able to face the next second of your life believing that there's so much more?<br />
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Angelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06234552223438067797noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-792237025040367036.post-17689173780824037592015-11-04T20:23:00.000-05:002015-11-04T20:23:53.990-05:00My voiceI have a voice.<br />
<br />
Sometimes I lose my voice.<br />
<br />
I think it's been this way most of my life.<br />
<br />
There are people who've come to know me during certain times of my life that view me as quiet and reflective. Others, well they have the privilege (or curse) of knowing the open, opinionated, and talkative Angel.<br />
<br />
Don't be confused, I always have a lot to say....<br />
<br />
Sometimes though, I'm cautious....<br />
<br />
Sometimes it's because I'm afraid of judgement. Sometimes,it's just because I realize I don't know enough to speak or defend a certain opinion. <br />
<br />
I hate to fail.<br />
<br />
That's also been evident in my life. I'm not a perfectionist, but I just choose not to pursue things I don't think I can accomplish....maybe that's just being a coward. <br />
<br />
A few years ago, I found my voice again....though I'm not sure it was so much MY voice or a voice I thought needed to be heard for Zeta (and the children and families desperately searching for someone in similar circumstances) or if it was a voice prompted by God's grace and mercy....blind faith and bull-headed determination....<br />
<br />
Regardless, I lost that voice.<br />
<br />
I can think of a million reasons why.<br />
<br />
There's fear....<br />
<br />
Fear of being ridiculed....of harping on my own personal circumstance....fear of inadvertently exposing or exploiting people in my blogs and with my words.....fear of exposing myself....<br />
<br />
Yes, that's it....vulnerability....fear of people seeing inside my heart and soul.<br />
<br />
Well, that's all good and well when my mind feels clear....when I'm able to rationally process thoughts....when I feel like I'm living to the best of my human ability to live like Christ.<br />
<br />
It's completely different when I feel ashamed.....ashamed because I know I've made poor choices....ashamed because I hurt people out of confusion---or worse, selfishness. It's different when I feel like hiding for fear of exposing my own faults.<br />
<br />
I've never considered myself a malicious, vengeful or spiteful person. I don't think many people would openly admit to being such.<br />
<br />
However, there have been times I've been called out...times someone has taken note of my faults...time when people have gently (and not so gently) pointed out my sins. All of that can make you feel shameful.<br />
<br />
I've found, though, that I can feel shame when someone else points it out....but when I realize my own shortcomings and admit where I've fallen that's another level....that's more than embarrassment and shame. That's broken guilt and remorse. there's a desire to run...run far away and hide....hide from people I hurt....from people that think somehow I should do better and be better because of how vocal I've been about my commitment and faith in God....I think above all that, it's a fear of God viewing me differently...a fear that I'm not good enough...<br />
<br />
Well, that's probably a pretty big slap in the face to my Lord. I mean He is the God of GRACE and MERCY. He is the definition of FORGIVENESS.....<br />
<br />
But you know what happens? Satan convinces me I'm not good enough...that because I'm not good enough I shouldn't have a voice...I shouldn't share my blessings and talk about God's glory...it's just not place...granted, it's not an audible voice from lucifer, himself, telling me this....instead, it's my own thoughts racing in my head...<br />
<br />
Those thoughts have been winning....winning way too much.....<br />
<br />
What probably started as growing resentment exploded into full blown loss of much logical and rational thinking.<br />
<br />
This was very well illustrated in a sermon at church last night. The pastor painted a poignant illustration of the nazis and how twisted their thought processes grew until it reached unfathonable levels of cruelty. The nazis didn't wake up one day and decide they wanted to be monstrous murders. It all began with a seed of them believing their people were better than other people. Sadly, we all know where those seemingly non-threatening thoughts led.<br />
<br />
I can see the similar things happening in my own life the past couple of years. I didn't wake up one day and decide to quit speaking about my faith. I didn't plan on making so many of the choices I have....I didn't plan on trying to escape reality or give up being the wife and mother I'd always envisioned and hoped I would be....I didn't plan on shutting out the people closest to me and silently imploding....<br />
<br />
....but once it started...once the first person called me out...I fought years of resentment from how I felt certain people had hurt me....I fought a sense of entitlement from feeling like I paid my dues and that no one understood...I fought feelings of inadequacy... Like I had tried to do everything the right way and had nothing to show for it....it often led back to saying....well I tried...but my baby is still gone....<br />
<br />
Every single thing that happened or caused me trouble...it all ended with that thought...well I was the best wife and mother I could be for as long as I could remember...I worked even harder as a mother for zeta but that didn't change the outcome. It ultimately ends in me feeling sorry for myself. It might be what some call a crutch or excuse.<br />
<br />
I felt guilty. I felt unappreciated for the years I had spent being a wife and mother before zeta. I never wanted to admit that, but it was a slow, ticking time bomb within my soul....it went on so long and so quietly in the background that I never even really acknowledged it.<br />
<br />
Until....<br />
<br />
Until, I lost my cool...<br />
<br />
Until I let my guard down.<br />
<br />
Until I bought into all the false beliefs I was silently telling myself.<br />
<br />
We all have experiences that change us. Sometimes, it's a loud, instantly life altering moment. A diagnosis...a loss...an unimaginable event that creates pain and sorrow and inexplicable grief....<br />
<br />
More often than not...it's the little experiences and how we deal ...or choose not to deal...with those experiences and the impact they have on us.<br />
<br />
I've been told more than once that I'm naive...that people don't love and care in the same way that I did...maybe that's true....<br />
<br />
I know when I'm dealing with my own shortcomings and fighting myself I also view other people a little more unforgiving and uncaring....<br />
<br />
Working in education and having a strong psychology background, I can spew off a myriad of acronyms and labels...you can bet that if you're not acting in a way I think is "normal" I'm scanning my mind for a reason and a label...don't worry, I've come up with a pretty exhaustive list for myself too...<br />
<br />
See, once I figured out I wasn't normal either I decided there are only two labels that matter....SAVED or LOST. Everything else is pretty irrelevant in the big picture.<br />
<br />
Life isn't fair. There's always going to be someone or something to drag you down. The choice is up to you as in how you let it change you. Will you lay down and let it overcome you or will you stand up and fight?<br />
<br />
I love a feel good sermon or inspirational message as much as the next person...<br />
<br />
Unfortunately, life is not a feel good fairy tale...life is full of challenges, drama, hatred, lies, and heartache....<br />
<br />
The flip side of all that is there's a price that was paid a very long time ago....<br />
<br />
It was paid on a cross full of Perceived shame, defeat, and loss....it prevailed with grace, mercy, love, life and forgiveness. <br />
<br />
I put my faith in that. <br />
<br />
Life is gonna knock me down again, I have no doubt. There are gonna be times I fail, and times I succumb to what the fallen one wants....<br />
<br />
Just like tonight...I skipped the last night of revival....because I felt dizzy...nauseous...maybe I was scared....scared of breaking down and letting go...scared of saying yes to what God is telling me to do...<br />
<br />
Turns out I still couldn't hide. I spent that time in reflection and again contemplating my purpose....<br />
<br />
I still don't know the definitive answer. I don't know what's in store for me...I don't know when I'll fail again...I don't know when I'll feel like running and trying to hide...but for now...for now, I'm sure I have a voice.<br />
<br />
I'm sure it's in my calling to continue to expose my own raw thoughts and emotions in order to glorify Him.<br />
<br />
I might fail tomorrow or next week....but I'm hanging my faith on the cross that stood to offer a path to save me.<br />
Angelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06234552223438067797noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-792237025040367036.post-17022799656667240152015-09-09T17:10:00.000-04:002015-09-09T17:10:44.426-04:00Reality bites, but you don't have to suck lemons"You started running right after the funeral."<br />
<br />
A friend recently told me this....and he wasn't talking about my new found love/hate relationship with the SPORT of running.<br />
<br />
He was talking, in fact, about my tendency to RUN from REALITY.<br />
<br />
I became an instant pro.<br />
<br />
..the champion of escape...<br />
<br />
Nearly every time I start a post like this I think, well here I go again....everybody is saying, "Why can't she just get over herself. Move on."<br />
<br />
I've been guilty of it myself. I see other people post these poor 'why me' statuses for weeks, months, or years after they've lost a loved one. I think, "Wow, they sure are having a difficult time." or "Wow, she sure is full of a lot of anger." <br />
<br />
I don't post things for sympathy....as a matter of fact, if I posted every time I had a feeling I'd have little time for anything else. I feel most compelled to post when I feel the tug to do so.....almost like someone quietly whispering in my ear to get my feelings out in the open. Sometimes it's therapeutic. Sometimes it's enlightening, and sometimes it's down right scary. I never know exactly what is going to come out.<br />
<br />
...now, back to running....<br />
<br />
"You started running right after they buried her. You ran straight into the church looking for something and when that didn't seem to work out, you started running everywhere else." These are pretty accurate assumptions. The first year or so after Zeta died I ran to God and that turned into running to CHURCH and running to all the GOOD things and good people I could find. God saved me when I was young, he saved me during Zeta's life and he saved me after Zeta's death. I knew he would save me then too.<br />
<br />
Thing is, I thought I was doing ok. Heck, I WAS doing ok.....so I guess I slipped. <br />
<br />
I got overwhelmed with commitments. I became overwhelmed with living in a glass house. I became <i>overwhelmed</i>...<b>period</b>.<br />
<br />
It all caught up with me.<br />
<br />
I'm pretty sure that's the devil at work.<br />
<br />
The more I became overwhelmed the more I wanted to find <i>somewhere else</i> to run. The more I wanted to run, the more TRAPPED I felt. <br />
<br />
<b>My house became my prison<i></i></b>. Before I could even get in the door, the memories of Zeta's last year alive- spent at home, in her make-shift ICU room- would haunt me...and I'd just stand there...motionless. People who were close to me during Zeta's life and death unknowingly became haunted obstacles. They had done nothing wrong....however, they didn't always know how to respond or what to say, and I certainly didn't know what to tell them to do....So I just started to avoid them. Not always on purpose....sometimes I would hide away and try to stay to myself because I didn't want other people to see the pain...other times I would distance myself because I basically forgot how to communicate...or sometimes I just DIDN'T WANT TO COMMUNICATE....and still other times I wanted to disappear and forget that the outside world existed. I wanted to forget that I had a daughter who was born sick.... a daughter that fought to live every day.... a daughter that is now gone.....I wanted to forget the pain and I wanted to forget <i>anything or anyone</i> that knew anything of that existence. <br />
<br />
Not such a nice thing, huh?<br />
<br />
For quite a while I continued running.... I've made choices that have hurt my family, my friends, and myself....<br />
<br />
In some ways I quietly tried to disappear into the background and go away.<br />
<br />
In other ways I tried kind of self-medicating and fighting all sorts of addictions and poor choices.....In some ways I screamed out loud for help....but I <i>refused</i> help from anyone that loved me or tried to help me. This, in turn, led to some poor choices by people that cared about me.....and a cycle began.<br />
<br />
Short of drugs, I pretty much managed to make a mess of my life. I can say, without a shadow of a doubt, if I had had access to drugs or anything else to destroy my life I would have done it and I'm pretty sure I would not be living today....The only thing that had a remote impact in my life during this time was my two boys. I can't deny that I haven't been the greatest mother, but on some days they were the only reason I got out of bed and the only reason I didn't pack my bags and move out of my house to hide and rot away in a cave far, far away somewhere.<br />
<br />
There's a point in life for some people where you hit rock bottom.....<br />
<br />
....a point at which you know you're either gonna get up and move on or you're just gonna lay down and die....because there is no other alternative..........<br />
<br />
I felt like I reached that point one night all alone in a hotel room, in Augusta, while my baby fought her life in the hospital nearby....I knew that I couldn't stand another second .....that I was going to lose my mind or it was gonna get better....at that point doctors couldn't promise anything....I fell at the end of the bed and wept and begged for God's mercy. I cried out to Him and told Him I was through and I could no longer stand on my own......<br />
<br />
...and He was there.....<br />
<br />
He is the only way that I ever left that hotel room....and he is the only way that I made it through the rest of Zeta's life and to this very day....<br />
<br />
There have been days that have been almost unbearable....some before that day....even before zeta was born...other days have happened since then....<br />
<br />
As a matter of fact, there's no denying there have been a lot of hard days since May 7, 2013 - the day Zeta died in my arms.....<br />
<br />
One of those days just happened recently.....<br />
<br />
You see, it's been going well lately. I feel like I've had my head on straight. I'm back in my devotions and bible more like I should be... and I've been trying to build some relationships that have nearly been destroyed....It's wonderful and scary all at the same time. Wonderful for obvious reasons....scary because I have a tendency to over-analyze and wonder if I'm too far gone or not worthy of getting back to being the me i want to be....to standing strong in my testimony and sharing all the wonderful things God has done for me.....scary, because sometimes the feeling hits me....scary, because I never want to run (from life) again.....Those thoughts would consume me....<br />
<br />
This particular day, I woke up struggling with all the what ifs.....what if life were different, what if I never get past this...what if everyone I've hurt hates me...what if I caused Zeta to die...what if I don't ever feel normal again....what if...what if....what if.....I was pretty sure I didn't want to run....but because that's all I've pretty much done for so long I didn't know exactly what to do....so I hid....and I cried....and I cried some more. I stood there alone.... crying....feeling hopeless, lonely, and ashamed. I knew I should pray. I was scared to pray. It felt kind of pretentious....pretty much because I kept replaying everything I had done wrong in my head....pretentious, because I could feel some of the anger and resentment arising from experiencing the loss of a child.....pretentious because I needed to prove I was bigger and stronger...and because things had been going pretty well....<br />
<br />
After some time, the emotions got to me. I felt myself start to panic. Anyone who has ever experienced a panic attack knows what I'm talking about. It's not just something you <i>snap</i> out of....I knew I had to do something...less someone would walk in and find me acting like a hysterical person and wonder if I had really lost my mind....<br />
<br />
I prayed.<br />
<br />
I began to calm.<br />
<br />
I continued to pray.<br />
<br />
The anger led to silent tears. The panic disappeared. Sadness set in.<br />
<br />
I prayed more....<br />
<br />
I texted my husband and 2 of my strongest prayer warriors. The request was pretty simple....pray.<br />
<br />
....and it happened....<br />
<br />
the doubt began to fade....I could actually pray...with meaning...understanding....acceptance....forgiveness...the resentment and anger were no longer there....<br />
<br />
.....what replaced it was grace and mercy....<br />
<br />
Actually, what happened was I remembered and accepted the grace and mercy that had been given to me so long ago....<br />
<br />
You see, God is always there....<br />
<br />
There is no magic wand....life isn't always a fairy tale...<br />
<br />
Hard times are gonna come....Pain is going to happen.....<br />
<br />
BUT<br />
<br />
God is there.<br />
<br />
It's up to us to accept it.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
James 1:6 But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind.<br />
<br />
Jude 1:22 And have mercy on those who doubt;<br />
<br />
Mark 9:24 Immediately the father of the child cried out and said, “I believe; help my unbelief!”<br />
<br />
Isaiah 41:10 Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.<br />
Angelhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06234552223438067797noreply@blogger.com0