Memories

Sometimes I wonder if I have some strange fascination with death.

Weird, I know.

It feels like I've been up close and personal with death too many times..... it's a time that forces you to reflect on LIFE.

I was with 3 of the most important people in my life when they died. My daughter, my grandmother and my grandfather.......maybe even a little more strange, I was on the phone with my aunt when she was in the hospital room with my other grandfather began having trouble and died unexpectedly after a hip operation.

Death.

It's kind of why this whole blog was started.

A journey of life, death, love.

Death

It's a stinging word.

Death

It's inevitable for every single one of us.

My "Pop" died and I thought the world would end. On that day, I watched the strongest man I knew slip away from this life while my grandmoma fought as hard as she could to make him stay. I thought she would crumble. I thought the farm would end. I thought we wouldn't have someone to always make sure everything was gonna be alright and teach us all about the things we didn't know.

My daughter died. I can't even begin to explain that to you. It just doesn't follow the natural order of life. It makes you QUESTION everything you know to be true and HOLD ON to all you know to be true at the same time. On that day, I watched her slip away - but was at peace knowing she didn't have to suffer any more.

My Grandmoma died. On that day, life turned upside down. Watching her fade away was like watching my lifeline float away. She kept our family together and always made everything ok. She defied all odds. She lived by herself, took care of herself......did all the things people her age 'shouldn't' be able to do. She was the kindest, most giving human being you could ever meet. Even in the waiting room at the hospital, my daddy and I were making plans on who would move in with her and help take care of her - just as we had done so many times before.....yet, this time....this time, she didn't need us any more....she wouldn't be coming back home...not to her physical home.....

My Grandaddy died in a hospital in Augusta while I was in a hospital in Charleston with my daughter. I barely made it to his funeral. She was fighting for her life while he lost his. I wondered how my grandmoma would go on............

Death....

It's a frightening dark thing.

....but it doesn't have to be like that....

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy.

That's what death does to the ones left behind.

Satan comes to destroy....to make us question the things we know.....to make the mourning seem so painful some days that we can't understand how we will possibly ever move on....

Christ came that we may have life and have it abundantly.

As humans, we don't always grasp this....

It's easy to fall in to the why me trap.....the nothing ever goes right....everybody has it better....why can't I have it my way trap.....

We don't understand it, but the good thing is......we don't have to.

We just have to have faith.

I’m processing

It takes me a while to process things.

People may take my ‘quietness’ as shyness, naivety, or disinterest.

....but really I’m just taking it all in....

I’m processing.

Stevie and I went for a walk today. I noticed my daddy’s labored breathing just before we left. This isn’t a huge alarm. It seems to happen frequently. He has a bad heart. He tries to play it off as congestion.

Stevie and I went for a walk.

We were almost back home. My daddy met us in the road. He basically stopped in the road while traffic was stopping behind him. We tried to motion him on.

He didn’t listen.

He stopped.

Then I realized he could hardly breathe.

Panic set in.

My outside remained calm, but I moved quickly.

We debated driving to the hospital or the fire department just a few blocks away.

The fire department won.

They called for an ambulance.

Not the first time this has happened.

Just the tachycardia.

They’ll fix it. They always do.

Helicopter called. This isn’t normal. It’s not ok. This isn’t what usually happens. My daddy can’t die. My Grandmoma died just a few weeks ago.

Two of the most important people in my life.

This is not ok.

My body remains calm. They’ll fix it. They always do.

Helicopter called off. Ambulance en route to MUSC.

He’s ok.

They fixed it. They always do.

....but what happens when they can’t.

I’m trying to process that....and I really can’t.

....but today....they fixed it....and for that I’m grateful.


*Edit - This was written in the spring while we were at the beach, but I'm just now posting.