Fragments

Fragmented…

.. that’s the way I think of my life sometimes

. …..and I have to admit it isn’t always with a positive heart…. 

Fragmented. 

Well, let me explain.

 The first time I felt this way was in high school. I longed for those life-long friendships- you know, the group of kids that graduated together and reminisced about the last 12 years they spent together? Well, that was kind of impossible for me. 

My first school closed down when I was entering 7th grade. Talk about an awkward time to enter a new school. Ahh…those lovely middle school years lol. 

We live in the middle of nowhere and it seems that most of the kids that went to the school that closed assimilated to mostly two other schools- which happened NOT to be either school that I ended up attending. As a matter of fact, not a single person that i started kindergarten with was in the same class at this new school….but it wasn’t terrible- as a matter of fact, I quickly became best friends with another “Angel” and was quickly accepted among my peers….well after the “too tight” perm I got the 2nd day of school relaxed a little haha. 

Then came high school. I transferred to a new school in 11th grade. What’s even more awkward than starting a new school in middle school? Try starting a new school when high school is about done…try going to a new school then and finally joining those friends you spent all those formative years with….only to find that you’ve all changed a little (or a lot) and that your interests and groups are not the same….but it wasn’t horrible….I quickly fit in and stood out all at the same time…..this school was MUCH larger than my last two schools but still small enough that most everybody there knew I was one of the new kids….which was fine except when I was frantically looking for where my next class was on my first day I spotted my cousin in a classroom and ran to him for help- I found out later that I caused him some embarrassment because some of the kids asked how he knew the new foreign exchange student (because of my squinty eyes)…. 

Fast forward a few years and I finally felt my life wouldn’t be fragmented anymore….

I did my student teaching at the school district where I graduated…actually worked with my high school softball coach and taught next door to the mentor teacher I had done my student teaching with. Soon I was teaching kids or other family members of people I had gone to high school with…I began feeling like things weren’t so fragmented any more…. 

Except….. Well except that I felt as though I had a life in one town with my job, my peers, and “my people”….and my husband ‘lived’ a completely different life in another town with his job, his peers, and “his people.” It seemed our only commonalities were sleeping in the same bed at night and hosting a kind of bed and breakfast (ha) each weekend for our friends because we were the first to get married and some of the only ones with our own place….. 

Then we had kids….two of the sweetest, kindest, most loving boys I could ever hope for- Steven and Chance- and finally a step toward something I could control and handle without all the fragments….or so I thought….

Fast forward several years and another unexpected turn caused another “fragment” in my life.

 A baby. A 3rd baby to be precise. An unexpected baby- with unexpected health problems. We welcomed and loved this baby, Zeta, with all our hearts……the time spent in the hospital created fragments of our lives….times where Stevie and the boys lived at home and Zeta and I lived in the hospital…times where choices that needed to be made created additional fragments in our boys lives…..

….at the same time- all of these fragments were teaching and reinforcing me everything I knew about life…and about God….it taught me that fragments aren’t bad things….they are the things that make us who we are…they are the things that allow us to look back and see what we’ve already overcome….and they are the things that all lead us to God’s greater plan for each of us. The song, “Praise you in this Storm,” became my mantra and my heart fully turned to believe that absolutely, without a doubt, no matter what storm may come my way HE has it all figured out.

 I may not know and may not often understand….but through these fragments I dove deeply into prayer…and the Bible…and I learned things I won’t ever forget…

 You see…all those fragments…all those things I thought were messed up at the time…well they led to a greater path of healing and network and friendship and grace and mercy that God knew I would need later in life….when we lost Zeta - we not only had our very close network but we had extended networks that heard our story and lifted us in prayer, reached out to us…did things for us- without want of acknowledgment or return…but simply because they knew we were ‘people’ they knew we we needed help, and they knew they could be a part of that. 

The fragments have continued to some extent and I have to say I view them as total and complete blessings these days…..

 I left my cozy school life with my coveted network just prior to Zeta’s birth and was beyond grateful to return after she died….actually I was given the opportunity twice…..but that wasn’t the plan that was meant to be…. 

I came to work on the farm full-time with one of our sons and my parents and extended family almost 6 years ago (I had been helping out some for a few years prior) -I live in my grandparent’s home (after living across the street in my childhood home my entire adult life)….I go to the same church with most of the same people I’ve known since I was born…..it all makes me very reminiscent of my really early years that I remember with such fondness…..

…and to top it off my husband entered an ag career just a few years before I came to work on the farm….so …now we share the many of the same work, peer, and family networks all the time now….things I never would have imagined several years ago….. ….and I look back and just smile…. I smile because had I not been sent to the “other school” in 7th grade I wouldn’t have met Stevie….had I not gone to the “other school” in 11th grade I wouldn’t have joined the network of people that rallied behind us all those years with Zeta….if all those fragments wouldn’t have been set in place all those years ago I wouldn’t have this wonderful life I have today….with all the memories of actually seeing God’s loving hands and feet in motion….. So, for me…when some try to convince others that life here on earth is perfect with Jesus I have to disagree…. Because I am living proof that life isn’t perfect, that I’m not perfect- and I never will be (on this side of Heaven, at least)……but my God is perfect…and Jesus IS perfect…..His plans are perfect….and I have no doubt that what is still yet in store for me is greater than what I can comprehend….I know, because I’ve read the Good Book and it is filled with prophecies that prove the same thing over and over…and I accept it because I’ve seen it over and over in my very own life!

Advocate

It's relatively easy to be an advocate when you're advocating on behalf of mistreated children or people that are dying.....


Why? Well, because everyoneunderstands it's for a noble cause.


Heck - people even find cause to praise you.

What about when you're advocating for things that the majority of people can't agree on?

Well......let's just say that it's not so easy.

This past week has been.....mmmmm.... a little overwhelming.

I've said quite a few times before, I realize that because I speak out on certain things that I make myself quite the target..... I think the absolute hardest part of it all is balancing what God wants and desires versus what I want or what the people around me want.

You see - what I want is to please EVERYBODY......ALL THE TIME.....

Now, add that to the fact that I say I want to ADVOCATE for people..... .....or that I want to advance change......

.....well those two things don't exactly always mix very well together....

For those of you that don't know, I've become pretty involved in local politics. Don't fret, I'm not a politician. I'm not running for office and I've just about solidified the idea that I never will.....

Scary part is, I think I'm making myself just as much a target as those sitting in charge (or maybe even more) - at least when you're a politician you have at least one solid group of people that have your back.

Unfortunately, when you're asking questions you're bound to upset EVERYBODY.

I pointed this out to County Council the other night - I told them I wasn't going to stand there and act like it wasn't awkward that I had managed to upset or tick off every one of them - even though that has never been my intent.

I left my office the other day several hours after I had finished my work.

Why? Well, because I was busy trying to make sure I was listening to concerns........ and following up with people who I may have inadvertantly upset.......and researching ...

When I got home I was just so overwhelmed. I told Stevie, "I feel just like I did when I spent all those days in the hospital with Zeta." My connection to the world was through the internet and the rest of my day was always spent researching diagnoses, treatments, doctors, insurance, etc. etc.

I was trying to figure out how to "FIX" it, all by myself......only that's not how it works.

There is no magic button. There is no magic pill. There is no magic potion.

.....and I already know this....

.....yet, I go in full speed like I can make an instant change or discover something that no one else has yet discovered and then all will be well and everyone will live happily ever after.....

I frequently print scripture and put it in places I see on a daily basis.

Some I have printed right now-

Romans 12:2 - And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what [is] that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.

Job 34:12 Of a truth, God will not do wickedly, and the Almighty will not pervert justice.

John 17:17 “Sanctify them by the truth; your word is truth.”

1 John 4:1 “Dear friends, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God, because many false prophets have gone out into the world.”

James 1:5 “But if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all generously and without reproach, and it will be given to him.”

1 Peter 5:8 ESV Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.

I struggle with why I feel inclined to keep looking into how to help make things better in our county. I struggle with things that I say and praying on whether or not it is God's will or my own.

As a matter of fact, I had an all out temper tantrum with God just the other day. I'm not talking just "No God I don't want to do this." I'm talking stomping my feet, shaking, crying - scratch that - inconsolably sobbing and mentally screaming to God - "NO! I'm done! I can't stand up to criticism. I want people to LIKE me. I don't want to ask any more questions. I'm ready to move on to the next thing."

Do I sound a little crazy to you yet?????

What makes it even more of a struggle is that there have been plenty of other times I "thought" (or maybe REASONED) God was telling me something and I had it absolutely all wrong.....

What makes it even worse is the fact that not only have I been very vocal in this whole political arena............I've also been very vocal about my FAITH AND GOD.

So......that means, any one thing I screw up could nullify every single thing I've said about God to any one person that is watching me.

Ya'll......

It feels like the hardest burden some days.

So......I'm yelling - I can't do it. I'm not perfect. I don't know all the stuff I'm supposed to know. I want people to be happy. I have skeletons in my closet. People are gonna attack me. I want positivity and happy endings and all I'm finding is more questions. Somebody else would be better....somebody with a bigger back bone than me...... No, God....I don't want to..... God....are you really asking me to do this....or am I making this complicated and I can just stop now and go back to "normal"?

Then I'm reminded that Satan uses every doubt to hold us back from proclaiming God's glory. Whether or not God wants me advocating for my neighbors or if it is self- motivated - that part I'm still contininually praying over..

..but the part about telling you about how great God is and the fact that He needs to be in every thing that we do.....well that part - THAT PART is non-negotiable for me. He saved me from an eternity of feeling burdened, broken, and defeated - so for that, I owe Him EVERYTHING and SO MUCH MORE!!!

No more hurt

My heart hurts. It hurts because kids are killing kids. It hurts because people die too soon. It hurts because people think if I disagree with them it means I hate them. It hurts because I see so many hurting. Kids killing kids......some of them were mine. Maybe I taught them (or some like them) .....Maybe I fought for them, maybe I loved them, maybe I cried with their moms and grandmas. Why does it have to be like that? Why does Satan get to step in and convince these kids that gangs symbolize brotherhood, sisterhood, and unity? It’s just a trap....yet the longing to be a part of something.....anything....leads so many astray. ...and people die too soon..... not just from gang violence, but from all sorts of things..... How do you explain to a mom who lost her grown son that God really does have some sort of plan in the midst of the most dreadful days of her life. How do you convince her that it’s ok to be upset, mad, sad and confused .......but just not to stay there? Life isn’t easy. Truth isn’t always pretty. Your “truth” might be different from my “truth,” but facts are facts.....Just because we view things differently doesn’t mean one of us is better than the other. It doesn’t mean I wish you ill or harm. It simply means we view things differently. My sin might be different from your sin....but sin is sin. There is no hierarchy. Family is everything.......only sometimes I forget this. Sometimes I get so fixated on how the world hurts that I forget that those closest to me might hurt sometimes too. I forget that I hurt....really, it’s not that I forget......maybe it’s just that sometimes it easier to focus on all the hurt around so I don’t think about my own.... ......ever felt like that? ......like you want to fix everything....but you have no idea where to start? .......like you failed at fixing your own things so you have no business worrying about fixing anything else? The world is full of hurt....so much so that my head nor heart can imagine it all.... ...but the one thing I don’t have to imagine is God’s love.... He’s proven it over and over.... ...when I’ve been mad, sad, and glad....and especially when my heart hurts.... I can’t imagine how His heart hurt to send His Son to die on the cross....to SEE Him BECOME SIN...to see every bad and unimaginable thing we could ever do- all at once put into Jesus’ body....in order to save us from an eternity of hurting hearts. So, when my heart hurts I find comfort in knowing anything I experience or feel is NOTHING compared to what Jesus experienced on the cross...to SAVE me...and to SAVE you..... Wow. Just....wow. Psalm 94:19 When I worried about many things, your assuring words soothed my soul.

Just Show Up

Just show up. Sounds easy, right? Only..... sometimes it’s not. I mean, on any given day- any one of us can give a million reasons on why we don't show up. "It doesn't matter.... my stomach hurts.... it's too hard....it's not a big deal- they won't notice....it IS a big deal- and I'm not equipped to handle it".....and the list goes on and on. We can come up with infinite reasons on why NOT to show up. Question is, are we as creative when coming up with reasons to actually show up. I'm certainly not. Let me give you a real-life example. A friend recently lost her husband. They didn’t have a service immediately after his death, but waited instead. The service was actually today. After he passed, I told my husband I wanted to go to his service. This friend had done a lot to quietly support me throughout Zeta's life and death. I wanted to show her a portion of that same support. Now, you need to understand this about me. I don’t like "funeral, after-life, or celebration of life" services. There's certainly not anything wrong with them.... I’m just human, selfish, and self-absorbed. Gatherings to remember loved ones gone too soon make me uneasy. It's not I that panic or anything- I just don't know what to say- or how to act.... you know, normal stuff......I've been determined I WOULD show up today....only last night, I started having those conversations in my head about why it really wouldn't matter if I didn't show up.... ....but I did.... ....and let me tell you...I got a humble reminder about how important it was to "show up" today.

Not only did my friend "notice" I showed up, she was humbled and so grateful that I showed up. The love and thankfulness in her heart showed me that showing up was absolutely meaningful to her in that moment of time. Not only was I humbled by the love, appreciation, and awe my friend showed me for simply being present....but I also had the opportunity to meet a "Facebook friend" I'd never met before. Our hearts forever connected by the loss of our children. She, too, also quickly humbled me as we embraced. As I sat through the service, I thought of the people I knew there - and their stories. I thought of my friend who stood before all of us and poured out her heart of thankfulness - all while she painfully mourned her husband's loss to cancer. I thought of my friend who lost her son to suicide and how brave she was to "show up" for our friend today. I thought of the friends sitting behind me and how they walked through so much with us during Zeta's life and death - and continue to do so today.....I thought of the friend sitting next to me and the fact that she just lost her daddy. As a matter of fact, she just told me this week how hard it has been to write 'thank you' cards because it just seems so awkward to tell people 'thank you' when she's missing her daddy so much....and the thing is- I get it...I mean, I've never been in any of their shoes....but I understand heartache..... Don't we all? I don't know the pain you've experienced, just as you don't know mine.... .....but if we live and love....well, then we're bound to experience pain... ....but do you know what the awesome thing is??? PAIN IS NOT FOREVER. Jesus Christ died the most horrific death on earth in order to give us eternal life. He showed up. Do you understand how AWESOME that is?? The pain we experience here on earth can seem bone crushing...breath taking...and infinite. ...BUT IT'S NOT.... God does not promise easy HERE ON EARTH. ...otherwise we would have no need or desire for Him.... He does promise eternal life...eternal healing...and eternal joy.... ...all because He "showed up." He knew He'd be mocked and persecuted- yet he showed up! Are we that good at showing up? Next time you feel that little tug to show up - listen to it. You'll never know the peace God will put in your heart or the comfort you'll be for the person who needs it......or the comfort you'll receive.... just for being there. Just show up.

Thankfulness

Thankfulness - I'm sure I've written about this before. Only....only it's often too easy to forget what thankfulness is truly all about. Sometimes it's easy to see what we have to be thankful for. Like when we make it through a difficult situation and see the stamina that brought us through.....or when we see a friend mourn the loss of her husband - a child mourn the loss of their father....or watch a parent mourn the loss of a child...... It's easy to be thankful when all the bad things in life aren't happening to us...... Is it easy to be that thankful when people just don't seem to cooperate? Is it easy to be thankful when we're hurt, angry, triggered? Is it easy to be thankful when our patience is worn thin, when the days are long and the problems never-ending? Is it ever easy? Is it easy to actually feel blessed in the mess? Is it easy to have a heart of joy and thankfulness when the darkness, the loss & hurt, or the greed & envy show up -----is it easy to be thankful then? The short answer is no. ......and if we're being honest, the long answer is often no too. Sadly, the act of thankfulness appears to be more of a rarity than the norm. If we were all intentional about being thankful then maybe....just maybe.....our hearts would be softer, our tones more loving, our beliefs just as strong - but our words more carefully chosen. If we were all intentional about being constantly thankful then those hard times would force us to look to the One who knows far more than we can ever understand....If we were all intentional about being more thankful then the hurts wouldn't sting as bad, and we wouldn't take the triggers as personally.....and we could have conversations that move us toward healing. If we were more intentional about being thankful, it wouldn't take heartache to bring us to our knees. We'd humble our hearts and remember....truly remember....ALL the blessings we are given every day. Blessings in the heartache, in the differences, in the trials, in the triggers, and the unknowns. If we concentrate on being thankful, we realize there's so much more to life than feeling like we're fighting an uphill battle. We might be in an actual spiritual battle with the devil every day of our lives, but guess what, JESUS already won the WAR - the day he said “Father, forgive them; for they do not know what they are doing.” Luke 23:34 "You shall be with Me in Paradise.” Luke 23:43 “It is finished!” John 19:30 Wow, now just imagine all we have to look forward to - (and in the meantime let's be THANKFUL:). There's so much we have left to do! “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control.” (Galatians 5:22)

Communication

Communication

Communication. This has been my unintentional theme word for the week.

It all started Saturday. I engaged in some very difficult conversation with someone very close to me. I initially reached out to this person via text and shared some thoughts. She came to see me and reminded me that encountering issues head on, face to face, is often the best route. Our meeting picked at old wounds and scratched the surface of things neither of us may have even realized were issues. There were points we disagreed on and instances where one and/or both of us weren’t able to effectively communicate and/or receive what the other was saying. However, when it was all said and done we were able to hug each other and confirm the love we have for one another. There may always be issues that come between us and Satan will likely continue to try use the trap of convincing us our battle is flesh against flesh, but deep down we both realize all the things we have faced together and the fact that this type of conflict is not God’s desire.

That night, like the night before, I had trouble sleeping. I found myself looking to God’s word for comfort. I went straight to Ephesians 6 because I knew I needed the reminder.

10
Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power.
11
Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes.
12
For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.
13
Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.
14
Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place,
15
and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace.
16
In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one.
17
Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.
18
And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.
19
Pray also for me, that whenever I open my mouth, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel

As I studied the scripture and look at all my scribbles and notes I noticed 3 simple words I had written at some other point in time. “Pray to communicate.”

So many issues she and I tried to sort through had to do with communication. As a matter of fact, EVERY issue had to do with communication.

So.....I asked God - what is it I should communicate. I mean, I know communication is best way to any resolution.....but hey, I feel like I’m a decent communicator.....but still those words glared back at me. “Pray to communicate.”

What exactly did God want me to communicate?

I haphazardly turned to 2nd Corinthians 10:1-2
Now I, Paul, appeal to you with the gentleness and kindness of Christ—though I realize you think I am timid in person and bold only when I write from far away.

It was obvious for me to gather that it may have been pointing out that I, like Paul, am much more bold in writing than speaking. While I have no argument against that, I still felt that wasn’t all that God needed me to gather. After reading and reading those 2 verses for some time I finally moved to verses 3-5. 3 For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does.(4 The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. 5 We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

So the next morning I reached out to her and others that I felt like I had failed in with communication. I expressed sorrow for my part in causing hurt feelings and also prayed over the hurt of those I love and my own hurt.

It’s much easier to love someone when you realize it’s not the actual person you’re fighting but the spiritual forces of evil.

The following day Stevie and I visited a different church and y’all, I can’t make this stuff up- the opening sentiment for the service? “Our communication.” The scripture focused on Mark 12:13-17. It’s the account of how Jesus addresses a question about taxes to Caesar in which the Pharisees attempt to catch Jesus being a hypocrite. The bulk of the sermon included the fact that we, as Christians, are called to be the salt and the light. We are called to be “different than the world” in communicating- and in every other aspect of life.

The pastor further referenced Ecclesiastes 5:2
“Do not be quick with your mouth, do not be hasty in your heart to utter anything before God.”
Oh how I need to work on this at times.
Y’all that message was for ME!

Every scripture reference I went home and studied-
Galatians 4:6, James 1:9, Proverbs 25:11, Galatians 2:11-13, Ephesians 4:25

Every. Bit. Of. It. Every bit of it meant for me. Meant for my need to focus on communicating in the way God intends for me to.

I fail every day at communication. Even when I “think” I’m doing something to communicate effectively. I tend to over communicate. (Just look at the length of this post already). My sincere hope is to effectively communicate my thoughts and feelings while understanding the other persons- all while remembering that God should be at the center of it all.

Stevie recently told me that he was worried I was opening myself up to public ridicule and criticism with some of the things I post....well if you go back through anything I’ve ever posted you’ll see that I’ve easily made myself a target at times. The only thing I can tell him is that I am human therefore I know I have (and will) fail. I also know I am God’s child and as long as I seek to live by and understand His ways I am ultimately protected by God through Eternal life.

Have I ever failed? You betcha! Every. Single. Day. I know that sometimes my willingness to communicate and my evidence of over communication opens me up to personal attack. When and if that time comes I pray that I still rely on God’s comfort, hope, and truth to acknowledge my shortcomings and still keep going.

In any case, I know that God’s lesson for me this week....and perhaps in time to come is “pray to communicate” so that is what I’ll continue to seek to do.

Fear

I keep pushing it back.

It keeps resurfacing.

Basically, the whole world is living like I lived for 3 years with Zeta.

Fear.

Fear of germs. Fear of the unknown. Fear that you’re not getting the whole story. Fear that you’re not doing enough. Fear that you’re neglecting your ‘normal’ duties. Fear of how it might end.

At some point you cave to the fear or you fully surrender to God.

I’m not talking a rhetorical surrender...I’m talking knowing there is no other alternative...no other hope...the final realization that the Ultimate Hope does not dwell in anything of this earth.

At every point you wonder...is this real life...when will the questions and panic and chaos end?...is this the new normal?

Fear of leaving the side of someone you love only for them not to be there when you return. Fear of a loved one being in the hospital all alone....sick, scared...no voice....no familiar face....

Fear that one day life will no longer be familiar...no longer be the same.

Fear that a doctor, a test, a cure won’t be available.

Fear.

Fear is a liar.

Fear is a natural human reaction.

Fear creates unimaginable feelings within us.

As humans we have fear....we have questions...we don’t always understand...we downplay it...we over exaggerate it....thoughts, feelings, thoughts, fears, feelings....they’re sometimes all over the place.

I’m not pushing doom and gloom.

I want to say....I understand.

The feelings won’t last forever.

These times won’t last forever.

God’s plan and promise for us is so much more.

Times like this we fear being overly dramatic....yet we have these pressing questions and concerns we try to keep hidden.

The best place to take those questions and concerns are to God.

We fear being holy roly...we fear being
hypocrites...there’s a lot of fear....

...or maybe it’s just me....

...but there’s so much more that’s promised...a plan we don’t yet understand or see...but something better for you...for me....