Fragments

Fragmented…

.. that’s the way I think of my life sometimes

. …..and I have to admit it isn’t always with a positive heart…. 

Fragmented. 

Well, let me explain.

 The first time I felt this way was in high school. I longed for those life-long friendships- you know, the group of kids that graduated together and reminisced about the last 12 years they spent together? Well, that was kind of impossible for me. 

My first school closed down when I was entering 7th grade. Talk about an awkward time to enter a new school. Ahh…those lovely middle school years lol. 

We live in the middle of nowhere and it seems that most of the kids that went to the school that closed assimilated to mostly two other schools- which happened NOT to be either school that I ended up attending. As a matter of fact, not a single person that i started kindergarten with was in the same class at this new school….but it wasn’t terrible- as a matter of fact, I quickly became best friends with another “Angel” and was quickly accepted among my peers….well after the “too tight” perm I got the 2nd day of school relaxed a little haha. 

Then came high school. I transferred to a new school in 11th grade. What’s even more awkward than starting a new school in middle school? Try starting a new school when high school is about done…try going to a new school then and finally joining those friends you spent all those formative years with….only to find that you’ve all changed a little (or a lot) and that your interests and groups are not the same….but it wasn’t horrible….I quickly fit in and stood out all at the same time…..this school was MUCH larger than my last two schools but still small enough that most everybody there knew I was one of the new kids….which was fine except when I was frantically looking for where my next class was on my first day I spotted my cousin in a classroom and ran to him for help- I found out later that I caused him some embarrassment because some of the kids asked how he knew the new foreign exchange student (because of my squinty eyes)…. 

Fast forward a few years and I finally felt my life wouldn’t be fragmented anymore….

I did my student teaching at the school district where I graduated…actually worked with my high school softball coach and taught next door to the mentor teacher I had done my student teaching with. Soon I was teaching kids or other family members of people I had gone to high school with…I began feeling like things weren’t so fragmented any more…. 

Except….. Well except that I felt as though I had a life in one town with my job, my peers, and “my people”….and my husband ‘lived’ a completely different life in another town with his job, his peers, and “his people.” It seemed our only commonalities were sleeping in the same bed at night and hosting a kind of bed and breakfast (ha) each weekend for our friends because we were the first to get married and some of the only ones with our own place….. 

Then we had kids….two of the sweetest, kindest, most loving boys I could ever hope for- Steven and Chance- and finally a step toward something I could control and handle without all the fragments….or so I thought….

Fast forward several years and another unexpected turn caused another “fragment” in my life.

 A baby. A 3rd baby to be precise. An unexpected baby- with unexpected health problems. We welcomed and loved this baby, Zeta, with all our hearts……the time spent in the hospital created fragments of our lives….times where Stevie and the boys lived at home and Zeta and I lived in the hospital…times where choices that needed to be made created additional fragments in our boys lives…..

….at the same time- all of these fragments were teaching and reinforcing me everything I knew about life…and about God….it taught me that fragments aren’t bad things….they are the things that make us who we are…they are the things that allow us to look back and see what we’ve already overcome….and they are the things that all lead us to God’s greater plan for each of us. The song, “Praise you in this Storm,” became my mantra and my heart fully turned to believe that absolutely, without a doubt, no matter what storm may come my way HE has it all figured out.

 I may not know and may not often understand….but through these fragments I dove deeply into prayer…and the Bible…and I learned things I won’t ever forget…

 You see…all those fragments…all those things I thought were messed up at the time…well they led to a greater path of healing and network and friendship and grace and mercy that God knew I would need later in life….when we lost Zeta - we not only had our very close network but we had extended networks that heard our story and lifted us in prayer, reached out to us…did things for us- without want of acknowledgment or return…but simply because they knew we were ‘people’ they knew we we needed help, and they knew they could be a part of that. 

The fragments have continued to some extent and I have to say I view them as total and complete blessings these days…..

 I left my cozy school life with my coveted network just prior to Zeta’s birth and was beyond grateful to return after she died….actually I was given the opportunity twice…..but that wasn’t the plan that was meant to be…. 

I came to work on the farm full-time with one of our sons and my parents and extended family almost 6 years ago (I had been helping out some for a few years prior) -I live in my grandparent’s home (after living across the street in my childhood home my entire adult life)….I go to the same church with most of the same people I’ve known since I was born…..it all makes me very reminiscent of my really early years that I remember with such fondness…..

…and to top it off my husband entered an ag career just a few years before I came to work on the farm….so …now we share the many of the same work, peer, and family networks all the time now….things I never would have imagined several years ago….. ….and I look back and just smile…. I smile because had I not been sent to the “other school” in 7th grade I wouldn’t have met Stevie….had I not gone to the “other school” in 11th grade I wouldn’t have joined the network of people that rallied behind us all those years with Zeta….if all those fragments wouldn’t have been set in place all those years ago I wouldn’t have this wonderful life I have today….with all the memories of actually seeing God’s loving hands and feet in motion….. So, for me…when some try to convince others that life here on earth is perfect with Jesus I have to disagree…. Because I am living proof that life isn’t perfect, that I’m not perfect- and I never will be (on this side of Heaven, at least)……but my God is perfect…and Jesus IS perfect…..His plans are perfect….and I have no doubt that what is still yet in store for me is greater than what I can comprehend….I know, because I’ve read the Good Book and it is filled with prophecies that prove the same thing over and over…and I accept it because I’ve seen it over and over in my very own life!