Hmmm...

Feeling isn’t a bad thing.

In dealing with my recent anxiety I’ve picked up some good advice.  While talking with a trusted counselor she pointed out that I answered most every question she asked with, “I think….” In the context of our conversation it was like a bolt of lightning struck.  The point she was leading me to was the fact that although I’m always ‘thinking’ about what our next step should be…. or ‘thinking’ about this or that- I’ve kind of lost touch with what I’m FEELING…..(and honestly sometimes afraid to admit what I’m feeling).

I know it’s very true.  I have not so unique ability to turn my feelings off.  In order to cope with some of the situations we’ve been dealt  ---I just tune out.  I stand back and watch myself acting out the motions…. I do what needs to be done to make it through the moment…the day…the week.   In fact, I quit feeling.  At some point that all comes back to haunt me and I eventually HAVE to FEEL.  There are so many more revelations I’ve found in (my less than ordinary) counseling but I won’t dwell on them here. 

What I want to share is that I’ve found support from people that I never even imagined.  I’ve found that I’m definitely not the only one….

Anxiety stems from fear.  I need to be aware of  where the fear is actually coming from, feel it, and deal with it………How?  Lots of trust and faith in a higher authority is all I can say!

A huge part of my fear comes from not being able to ‘fix’ everything……If I read enough; search enough; find the best doctors; befriend the best nurses; seek the most therapies; if I’m nice enough; smile enough; all-together enough;  thoughtful enough; if I pray enough; bargain, plead, and cry enough then it will all be ok…..  Somehow everything will magically fall into place.  Now, I know that is not how life works, but still…somewhere in my subconscious it’s all that drives me.  It’s who I am….and if I can’t be the peace-maker….the one who fixes things…..then who am I, really? That’s a huge part of the fear. 

That….and fear of the unknown……

When I think about Zeta and the unknown it leads me to think about every single important part of my life and the unknown…..my boys….my marriage…..Stevie..…my parents…every single thing that is important.  It makes me realize that nothing in our earthly life is promised.  At times, that can be a very overwhelming feeling.  At other times it solidifies the appreciation I have for accepting the choice of salvation and all the Heavenly promises that abound. 

I think too much.

I’ve spent the past few weeks getting back to feeling….and it’s not so bad. 

We’ve accepted the services of Hands of Hope.    The layer of extra support from Odessa, Mollie, and Tabitha have already enveloped us.  We still have the extraordinary support from Lavonya( Zeta’s home nurse)…..our families …..and all of the prayers that each of you surround us with….

I still believe that circumstances are greatly impacted by attitude and choice so I will continue to believe things will never be as bad as they could be…. and I will continue to put on my happy face to the best of my ability, but I will allow myself to feel more….and I’ll continue to try to live each moment with my family and my children as if they were numbered…..I will try not to wish for the magical fix because I know there’s already a Plan in place that is Divine………

Zeta had some minor procedures on Friday.  We finally had a port placed.  This should provide tremendous relief for her tired veins!  They took another look at her airway and did more injections to her salivary glands.  No real new news.  Surgery was a breeze and they even let us come home the same day (that’s a first)! 

Saturday evening Zeta was starting to feel a little under the weather.  Well….the past few days have been eventful to say the least, but we’re dealing.  Seizures have continued to be very troublesome and we’ve dealt with some respiratory and feeding issues.  Thankfully, our plans of staying out the hospital with extra support at home are paying off so far!  Your continued prayers and support are truly appreciated!

We’re so very thankful for all the people that have been placed in our lives (especially the past few years).  So if by some chance I have failed to ever personally thank you for your part (however big or small)  please, please know how grateful I am that you’ve been a part of my life!  I’m mindful every day of the ways that I am blessed!

And now, Lord, what do I wait for and expect? My hope and expectation are in You. Psalm 39: 7

Let the young rain of tears come,

Let the calm hands of grief come.

It's not all as evil as you think.

~Rolf Jacobsen

I don’t quite know where to start.

After the information I shared in my last post I’m at a loss for words myself. I’m still kind of shocked that I shared such a personal experience to the world, but I’m glad that I did. 

The least I can do is thank everyone for their heartfelt words and prayers of encouragement.  I don’t know where our family would be without the firm foundation of support we rely on so much!

This whole month has been filled with ups and downs!  Of course, in life I suppose that’s nothing really new.  Zeta has continued to have less than great health.  Nothing crazy, but enough to disrupt her respiratory status at times and increase her seizure activity.  The culprit seems to be her ears.  In all honesty, I don’t think she has made it back to her completely “good’ status since her big seizures back in March.  We’ve been in discussion with neurology and are consulting with her team in Phoenix too.  In theory, we should be traveling back to Phoenix for her one- year follow-up from surgery….but unless they can do something life altering there that can’t be done here, I just don’t see putting Zeta through another medical flight and all that goes along with getting her across the country.  It goes without saying though, if they were to call and tell me that they had another magical fix we would be on the next flight out there.  We were blessed to see Zeta in the best health ever for a few months after surgery…..My prayer is that we’re able to get to that point again!

In the meantime, we’ve stopped her immunizations again (another reason to keep her confined) and have drastically reduced her therapy schedules. In reality, she hasn’t been able to attend therapy as scheduled for a few months due to her health, but we’re trying to eliminate as much stress for her as possible.  This has been a hard step for me.  With my early childhood background, all I can think is repetition, intervention, education……..what I really need to accept is that we have to get her healthy first….and then we’re going to take it slow……

We met with the the geneticist (only a 3 hour appointment) again this month and had the labs drawn to go to Baylor for the Whole Exome Sequencing.  It will take four months to get the results back.  Hopefully, we will gain some useful information from this. We’ve also scheduled Zeta’s next surgery.  Nothing major, just the annual airway stuff and they’re going to place a broviac (in simple terms it’s a permanent type of access for blood draws, medications,etc.)  There have been various times we’ve been in discussion about Zeta keeping a line in for home use.  The pros are that we’ll have more permanent access so that means less needle sticks for Zeta, and we plan to utilize the access to facilitate her staying out of the hospital more.  The big drawback is the risk of infection.  I think that is the major thing that has kept us from coming home with a line in the past (that and the fact that we’ve never really had a definitive diagnosis and the hope has always been that eventually she would not always need all the medical care she requires). This should all be a simple, overnight stay, but please be in prayer for Zeta…for the doctors and staff….for our family. I keep telling myself, “It’s not brain surgery.”…..but in Zeta time it has been a while since she has been under anesthesia and I’m getting myself a bit all worked up over it!

In the rest of our real life – Steven contracted cellulitis in his leg somehow so we spent Sunday at Doctors care.  Of course, all I could imagine is the flesh eating bacteria that has been all over the news lately.  Thankfully, though, the antibiotics seem to be working and his leg is looking better. By Monday, Chancelor had a fever and a sore throat.  I just had to laugh (he’s ok)…….but I had to laugh, and then THANK GOD that I don’t have 3 chronically ill children!  I realize every day that in comparison to many others we live a very blessed life, but that doesn’t mean that there aren’t moments every day that overwhelm me. 

I’m still working on me.  Some days are great.  Some days, I don’t want to get out of bed.  Every day, I feel selfish for how I’m feeling and I feel guilty for everything that everyone else does for me.  Every day, I try to remind myself of how good we really have it.  Every day, I look at how much everyone around us strives to make our life the best that it can be…..and EVERY day…………..I’M THANKFUL.  Regardless of how many ‘why me’ moments I have- I KNOW that I’m blessed.  I know that God has given me the gift of LOVE, the gift of FAITH, the gift of HOPE, and the gift of another day with all those that I love.  My prayer is that I never lose sight of this….what is truly important!

The last of the human freedoms is to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances.

~Victor Frankl

It happened

Honestly, I would much rather keep all of this information to myself.....but I suspect if I am going to fully heal I will need to purge my feelings....and if I plan on helping another soul I'm obligated to share, right?

 

Everyone saw this coming……..except me.

Ever experienced a panic attack?  In the past few years I’ve experienced waves of panic that I was able to talk myself out of….  I mean, I don’t have time for a nervous breakdown.  I’ve always been successful in my positive self-talk…..until the other day.   I cracked.  I mean, I had a full blown Green Mile- John Coffey-  evil expelling type of attack.

There was no particular trigger.  It was a normal day.  I was getting ready to feed Zeta. Then I started to feel dizzy.  This had happened infrequently over the course of the past couple of years, but just this week it had been worsening.  On this day, I couldn’t make it stop.  I couldn’t get a sense of relief.  The images of the room ran in and out and I fell.  I feared I would black out and no one would be here to take care of Zeta.  Then I couldn’t breathe.  I managed to call my mom, but couldn’t get any words out, then I fell again.  Then the wails and screams started. They seemed to emanate from the depths of my bowels.  I was very aware of everything that was going on, but I could not control it. I couldn’t make it stop.  I couldn’t see, I couldn’t breathe.  I couldn’t make it ok. I felt selfish, ashamed, helpless.   I kept trying to tell everybody I was ok, that I could breathe, but I couldn’t breathe…… but in my mind I wondered if I was going to pass out or if they would take me to a mental health facility. Then the bolts of numbness in my arms and legs…..maybe this isn’t a panic attack, maybe I AM having a heart attack.  What if I die?  What about my children, my husband, my parents?

Needless to say I went to see a doctor and we’re working on getting the help that I need.  What I feel most is embarrassment.  My mind was raped, and my soul is still struggling to recover.  What I fear most is that it will happen again.  All I want to do now is stay in bed and crawl under the covers.  They say it’s a battle of depression, but I don’t feel depressed.  I feel as though my body failed me.  That my control left me…..and now I have to pick up the pieces. 

I, of all people, do not have a right to experience anxiety.  I have the most loving husband and children.  A family that would move mountains for me and a team of support that encircles our family every day.    Frankly, other people looking in don’t see it that way.  Doctors were trying to medicate me just after Zeta was born.  My mom has encouraged me ‘to go see about myself’ for quite some time, even some of Zeta’s therapists and care team have subtly encouraged me to do the same……As a matter of fact my mother-in-law started telling my husband to watch me closely two weeks ago because I was going to have a nervous breakdown (little did I know) but I didn’t feel depressed or anxious.  Sure there are moments, but who doesn’t have moments?  This shouldn’t have happened to me.  I’m a self-proclaimed expert in coping skills and self-help techniques.  The queen of calm……..BUT it happened….it happened to me…..and you know what?  I’m going to be okay.

No one thinks panic or anxiety or depression should happen to them.  I’ve witnessed its affects (and effects) first hand.  I’ve seen panic attacks, and now I’ve experienced one. I’ve listened as friends or co-workers talked in hushed tones about their loved one battling depression or a breakdown.  It is real.  I’ve always believed that, but until my own experience I did not realize what an impact it truly takes on your mental AND physical being. It is a very intimidating, isolating feeling.  It can make you physically ill and also make you feel like the most self-absorbed person on earth. It not only hurts you but the ones around you.  So, please if you’re dealing with it please get help – medical, physical, spiritual…..I believe these all have strong components in healing.  If others turn you away or minimize your problems keep looking for help.  Surround yourself with positive energy…..and pray. 

Don’t look down on me for what I have shared.  Don’t give me pity.  Don't go ask my mom or grandma how I'm coping.  Just surround me with love and support.  Love and support and pray for my family…for Stevie, for my boys, for Zeta, for my parents, grandparents and my sister and her family.  We’re all in this together and I know God will lead us through.

PS Please don't take it personally if I haven't responded to texts, phone calls, etc.  I've had my phone and computer turned off and just trying to let my mind and body rest.

Finding courage....

Do not be terrified: do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go. Joshua 1:9

Want to know something about me?  I don’t actually talk about my feelings too much.  Really, I can write fairly freely all day, but I certainly don’t like talking about the way I feel.  I suppose part of it is because I feel I get too emotional if I’m upset or if I’m criticized….. and the other part may be because I don’t like asking for help or causing conflict or worrying anyone else with my trivial ‘stuff’.  I guess I assume that if someone wants to know how I feel they can read – or not read- my posts.  If I’m talking about what I feel then most people won’t just politely walk away if they’re bored or uncomfortable…….you know what I mean….I don’t want to make anyone feel awkward….

AND>>>

I don’t like feeling vulnerable……………

Since some of my recent posts ,one of Zeta’s therapists told me about Brene’ Brown. (Google her and listen to some of her talks on vulnerability)…….No one likes feeling vulnerable……..For instance, have you ever felt like if anyone knew the “true” you they would be disappointed?....but what I’ve always said is that I feel empowered through my posts.  Like I’m purging and sharing some of my innermost thoughts, fears, and accomplishments…(don’t get too excited, believe it or not, I don’t really share my every  thought or fear or accomplishment.) What I’ve also found is that through my posts people are able to minister to me and give me encouragement.  I started blogging because I wanted to help other parents in similar situations know that someone else ‘gets’ it – that they’re not alone.  What I’ve found is that in being true to myself (and to you the reader) I’ve learned so much more than I would have ever imagined.

I guess….maybe….I sometimes wish we could all be more vulnerable…..I think we could learn a lot from each other……but oh, how difficult………

Some say that with vulnerability comes courage………funny, it doesn’t always feel that way, does it? 

It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that maybe I’ve been dealing with some discouraging feelings as of late.  With Zeta, I’ve often felt as if I’M> ON> A> MISSION……..

Does this sound familiar to any of you????

We may have very different reasons for our ‘research’ but when I saw this I had to laugh- because it has so much truth to it.  I feel as though I could have written quite a few doctorate level research papers the past couple of years with all the medical research I relentlessly throw myself into…….Well, if you’ve read some of my most recent posts you may realize that I’m constantly questioning all of the research .... and the methods ....and all the madness.  I wonder if the decisions we make are the right ones.  I wonder if we always choose the way we’re supposed to or just the way our hearts tell us to go.  I wonder if the way of our hearts matches God’s plans or if we script our own agendas.  I get discouraged.  Not always because of the path set before me, but because I don’t know the right answer and I don’t know if I’m doing things the right way…..I feel vulnerable……..and discouraged………and yes, sometimes shameful.......

Whats ironic is that I didn’t really realize that’s what I was feeling until a few friends (unbeknown to each other) kindly pointed it out to me…….

One went so far as to send a page out of her daily devotional with the following highlighted:

Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.  Joshua 1:9  Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, ‘I will try again tomorrow.’ We can turn to God for the courage to try again tomorrow. 

Even for those who trust God, sometimes just showing up is a victory.

Then it hit me like a ton of bricks………..part of the reason I’ve felt discouraged is because I feel if I’m not reading the latest research or contemplating the next test or remedy or the newest treatment  then I’m not doing anything to help her……. When, in reality that’s not the case at all………sometimes it’s just good to sit still and let God be God…..and it doesn’t hurt to be a little vulnerable sometimes too……..

I’m never going to know all the answers…..I won’t ever fix it all…………but it’s never been mine alone…….

Zeta has continued to have a difficult month.  We’re home, which is great…..and she’s definitely not as sick as she ‘can’ be…….but it’s still discouraging when she regresses. It’s disheartening seeing her back on the ventilator every day and missing out on therapy and a lot of family time, too.  (There again, I need to keep repeating that verse, do not be terrified....do not be discouraged......God..be with you.... over and over again in my head.)

On a happy note, I’d like to share about a  recent project Steven did for school.  He had to do a power point presentation on a famous person.  He chose his sister.  He and Mrs. Bolen, his teacher, worked secretly to surprise me.  I’m not sure that she realizes how much it meant to Steven ( and to us) to work on this project.  She could have told him that Zeta wasn’t famous and he probably would have obediently chosen another person, but she didn’t.   I sure hope  he realizes that the joy I felt for his project was not because he chose his sister, but more importantly because it shows the pride and compassion  he feels.  It shows the mature understanding he holds and at the same time it means a type of vulnerability and growth that a lot of 10 year olds have not yet encountered.  I am humbled by his understanding and his love for his brother and sister (and his ability not to get discouraged) every day!

HOPE

So, I’ve been sitting on this awhile and I think keeping it in makes me a little jittery.  Read the email I’ve copied and pasted below and what I’m talking about will begin to make sense. (I”ll apologize in advance for how long this post is going to be, but I have so much to tell!)

From: Angel Brabham <angelbrabham@yahoo.com>

 To:

Sent: Tuesday, April 10, 2012 9:57 PM

 Subject: NEVER LOSE HOPE!

If you're receiving this email it is either because you are very close to our family or you are closely involved in Zeta's care.  It is with very conflicted emotions that I write it.  Now, erase everything you "know" about Hospice care and let me tell you what it will hopefully mean for our family. I'm sure all of you know that our desire has always been to remain out of the hospital as much as possible.  Through Hands of Hope, a subsidiary of SC Hospice, we hope to better attain this goal.  This does NOT mean that we have given up hope.  It does NOT mean that anyone has given us an 'expiration' date.  It does NOT mean that we will not still strive to give Zeta the very best life possible.  Trust me, we still believe that flying across the country for surgery (and the benefits Zeta has reaped) was a very good decision.  We also believe that the trach, vent, feeding tube, are worth every bit of any worry or concern.  When Zeta smiles it makes everything worth it!  We believe that the medical community has mostly embraced and accepted our desire to seek what we feel is best for Zeta. In pediatric hospice/palliative care you are allowed the benefit of concurrent care - meaning we can still seek aggressive treatment or hospitalization when desired or necessary.  What this means is that we are seeking additional help in her care and, hopefully, we will be able to handle more of her care at home.  It means that we believe Zeta is most comfortable at home and that our family will be better able to function as a unit the more that we are able to keep her at home.  It is my desire that no one misinterpret our interest in Hands of Hope as giving up on Zeta, just as we expect that you will not give up either.  I've always been concerned about the fine line of doing what is best for Zeta and doing something just to say that we're doing something.....Trust me, I put a lot of thought into this daily.  Sometimes it's hard for people to understand that Zeta doesn't do normal things.... because she isn't in the hospital people assume she can carry on a somewhat typical life.  Unfortunately, Zeta has a very sheltered and isolated life.  Many times, just moving to a different room in our house greatly stresses her.  If the temperature is very much above 75 she starts getting sick.....and the list goes on....I can count on both hands how many times she has been in church, to a store or other public place- besides a hospital or therapy, or doctor's office.  When Zeta is doing very well we may able to do a little more, but then we worry about how our actions and decisions may affect her. So we mostly stick to therapy, catching up on immunizations, and regular doctor's visits when she is well enough.  Admittedly, I have very different dreams for Zeta than for Steven and Chancelor - BUT in many ways my dreams are the same.  I wish for my children to be happy, to know they are loved, and to be free of pain. Please pray for us as we take the next step in making decisions in Zeta's care and please, please NEVER LOSE HOPE! We've already discussed our hopes and desires with our immediate family and her pediatrician, and we wish to include you all in our thoughts too - if you are involved in Zeta's care Hands of Hope may be contacting you too.  Most of you know that I'm very public about much of our life with Zeta, but there are still some things that are difficult to put out there and sometimes I have to just take baby steps.......so if you have questions just ask.  I just want to make sure that people understand that our goals for Zeta have not changed......maybe just some of the methods!

Much love, care, and respect!

Angel

Stevie and I continuously talk about how we can make things better for Zeta, for Steven, for Chancelor, and for our family……..we’ve discussed more palliative care in the home setting for quite a while.  There are a lot of things that we do at home to prevent hospitalization, but there are some things that we just can’t do at home.  We really want that to change.  The idea of hospice being involved in anyone’s care can produce feelings of fear…..but what we’ve found in numerous discussions with various sources is that it is very possible that it could be of great benefit for Zeta – and for our family.  The difference with palliative care in the pediatric setting is that we can still seek CURATIVE treatment and aggressive therapy at the same time. Ideally, it is exactly what we are seeking….to be able to continue to look for ways to help Zeta while keeping her comfortable at home as much as possible and protecting our family unit.

Now, we haven’t ‘officially’ completed any paper work with Hands of Hope and we are still having plenty of discussion with various members of our care team….but – it feels as though we have pretty much made our decision in our minds……..it’s just a matter of crossing all the t’s and dotting all the i’s.

I found that since we’ve started the frank discussions with Zeta’s care team, our family, and close friends that two things are happening. 1) I think I’ve entered another stage of grief and acceptance;  2)I’m very aware of God’s hand in not only this, but every aspect of my life……

There are a lot of emotions that I like to keep to myself – I even have some rules:

·        I don’t cry in front of doctors.  Of course it happens on occasion, but trust me you gain a lot more credibility if you’re not the nutso type that they can’t communicate with…..

·        I don’t get upset in front of the people that I need for support…..if I’m upset and can’t handle it how do I expect them to be able to keep it together for me?

·        If I can play every possible ‘bad case’ scenario out in my hand then I won’t ever be surprised when the unexpected happens…..

Now, let me tell you, sometimes this crap just goes all out the door (‘crap’ used here for lack of a better word lol)……besides the fact that when I actually read some of it in print it seems just a little nonsensical……….

What I’ve rediscovered in the past few weeks is that it’s ok to show emotion in front of a doctor – after all they are human too…..and it’s ok to let your support people actually support you instead of always trying to be the one who has it all together…..and the last one?  Well, why waste all that time worrying about the what ifs?

Finally, let me tell you about this little thing that has been happening all throughout my recent downheartedness.  My friend recently brought me a framed print that she picked up for me several months ago and had forgotten about.  It’s my favorite go-to scripture, Jeremiah 29:11.  Above the verse it reads, HOPE.   Want to know what’s funny?  We’ve been having these discussions about how that word (HOPE) keeps popping up almost like Someone trying to send me a subliminal (or maybe not so subliminal) message……

1) I was once very involved in helping create a mentor program I aptly named Project HOPE 2) The foundation that helped us find assistance in dealing with Zeta’s brain tumor is called HOPE for Hypothalamic Hamartoma 3)The framed verse my friend gave me with the big bold word HOPE on top 4)  The email I copied and pasted above with the subject titled, NEVER LOSE HOPE 5) Hands of Hope 6) a facebook post (from the photographer that created pictures of our family that gives me feelings that I can't articulate) – “I went to this photo shoot with the Brabham's thinking that I was offering the family memories in the form of pictures. BOY WAS I WRONG, the memories made that day were my own. I am in awe of the love and hope that this family shares, and of course you can not help but to be touched when you look into Zeta's eyes….” Did you see the word hope in there???  These aren’t the only instances, but do you get the picture??

When I looked at the pictures, I realized that she is exactly right – our family eats, drinks, and breathes LOVE and HOPE!!  I think this is why I choose to share such intimate parts of our lives.  The whole purpose of my blog was to create and encourage hope in others…………but I hope that I’m able to show that we do have struggles and challenges – and we face them, TOGETHER with HOPE and LOVE ………the kind of HOPE and LOVE that can only come from GOD above!

Be still, I am with you (and I have plans for you too).

I keep searching for the word that describes what I’ve been feeling.

Fear? Pity? Anger? Not exactly……..restless???..........then I feel that calm assurance of someone telling me, “Be still, I am with you.”

All I can tell you is that I’m feeling some pretty big emotions all wrapped up into one.

When I close my eyes I see a limp, lifeless baby in my arms. I haven’t been able to get that image out of my eyes yet. When I sleep the nightmares come.

Then I start thinking……

about death……..

death is natural right?..........Why then, has it felt so UN-natural every time I’ve seen my baby cheat death…..and why does it feel as though she has been fighting death so many days of her life? There is a reason.  There has to be a reason that it keeps happening.  I WISH I fully understood it.  I understand the good that has come of our whole experience, but that doesn’t erase my questions.  That doesn’t cancel our pain.

I’ve been thinking about a few times in her life that really stand out.  I still don’t recall every instance of what happened during those times.  I see flashes of memories.  I feel the intense emotions wrapped in a single second.  I see the chaplain coming to speak to me, and think – this is strange…... I watch myself – like an out of body experience…..just the way I felt this past week.

I keep saying, “I don’t want to go there again.  I don’t want her life – our life- to be that way again.” I find myself asking ‘why’ again.

I try not to let myself ‘go there’ too much……I do believe it would breed insanity, but for now it keeps creeping in…….

Then I remember all that we have overcome.  I think about the lessons learned.  I look at how God has healed, yet I still worry that maybe his answer is not the one I want or expect. 

I think about Job. “Therefore I will not keep silent; I will speak out in the anguish of my spirit, I will complain in the bitterness of my soul….Have you made me your target?  Have I become a burden to you?” God gave us the ability to grieve.  The ability to question and the ability to become angry or feel less than hopeful.   However, just as God proved himself to Job he has proven Himself to me – over and over.  So I know that I can trust in whatever happens.  “You are not your own.  You were bought at a price.” 1 Corinthians 6:19-20  “This is the way; walk in it.” Isaiah 30:20-21.  Basically, God has shown me over and over that He is in control and I have to trust that.

If you don’t know Him follow the link and see the price that was paid for me and why I believe……… (Warning: it is a graphic depiction of the Crucifixion…yet one that needs to be told)

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Faz9MTs8JOY&feature=related

Oh, and by the way, as I picked up a book to look for some scripture you could only guess what I saw first......

Enough said!!

Been a little rough this week...

We could use a little less drama right about now.....

2 EMS calls in less than a week???? (They've been very good to us by the way!)

I'm just thankful my sweet baby is here and resting!

I'm not going to give a play by play of what happened this morning.  I've told the story more times than I care to count and it's like every time I tell it I'm having some sort of flashback.  Like I'm watching everything in slow motion......it makes my head spin....and my heart hurt.

Zeta had some respiratory and/or seizure issues last night.  This morning she turned blue and passed out in my arms while nothing I could do seemed to help.......

.....but finally....FINALLY.....something worked and she got through it-

Just another day and another reason to count all of our very many blessings.

She has pneumonia and of course some of her labs are all over the place.  She has done well since her episode this morning.  Mainly, she has really just been very out of it.....but that's much better than how she was this morning.

I don't know what I would ever do without my family.  I just call and say, "I need help" and they are there.

Today has been a long day.

So far, we're just adding new medications to the ever-growing list and staying in for observation.  Please keep our family in your prayers.

"There are people all over the world in every country, in every house and hut and slum and park bench and apartment on every road and street all over this earth who are in despair because they don' know hope or love or joy or healing or freedom. THAT is a problem....my problems are minor."