steadfastness

It's just hard to consider some things a coincidence.

I've always felt this way, especially when a particular verse of scripture continues to show up - like God is screaming at me to listen to whatever He's trying to tell me.

Take Jeremiah 29:11. How many times that verse manifested itself in my life even before we knew all that was to come.

Well, it seems the scripture I should be concentrating on right now comes from the book of James:

Funny thing is, it's not like I feel like I'm going through some big trial right now. If anything, I'm more at peace with myself...and my life...and God...than I have been in quite a while. Maybe He's just trying to remind me through the little things.....

A friend of mine gave me the Made to Crave Devotional by Lysa Terkeurst last week. My friend is someone I really look up to and rely on when it comes to healthy eating, motivation, inspiration, and self-discipline. She knows at least 2 things about me - I love God & I often struggle with disordered eating.....thus the awesome devotional!

Well, just look at what I ran into on Day 4 of the devotional:

(I just shared the whole devotion...just in case it helps someone:)

If you read my last couple of blogs (hey, I've managed one per week...I'm on a roll:P) then you know that this scripture has been staring me in the face a lot lately...and if I'm honest, it really came in pretty handy this week. I fought kidney stones again since last Sunday. This gave me a complete lack of appetite....which led to craving lots of bread and cookies and all things dough-y (think giant cinnabons!) That disordered thinking about food led me to believe that all the soft, bread-filled, gooey goodness would make me feel better....and in all actuality, considering I was eating only half the calories on my meal plan the extra food probably would have given me a boost....at least momentarily.....thing is, the moment I would have allowed myself to fall into the trap of comforting myself with food I would have lost my battle. Would I have immediately gained 10 pounds? No, but I would have beaten myself up...probably decided I already failed so I should just go ahead and eat a bag of reeses too...then that would lead to binge eating everyday until I was feeling better....which would have led to who knows how long to getting back on track. Would any of that have been worth it? No, not to me...not right now....venturing off my meal-plan doesn't help me meet my current goals. I guess I can relate it to an alcoholic. I don't always know how to enjoy things like that in moderation! So, right now...if I don't plan for it, then it doesn't need go into in my belly! (side-note, I did plan that once I was feeling better I would have some raw cookie dough I kept eyeing....and Friday afternoon when I started feeling better I did!!!...just don't tell my trainer:~)

I'm sure you can see how that particular devotional was perfect for my mindset this past week.

What's funny is...it goes so much deeper than that.

For some reason, I've had lots of second-guessing going on in my mind this week. Maybe it was because I wasn't feeling well....or maybe it was because of the food struggle going on in my head...who knows.

Stevie and I are going to Haiti on a mission trip this summer. When I volunteered to go I had no idea how we would pay for it and I had no thoughts of safety or anything else. I just felt like God was pushing me to do it. I think Stevie just signed up to protect me:-P Anyway, for some reason there have been lots of little thoughts going on in my head this week. Lots of what-ifs and worries. Like, I don't know where they're even coming from....but they're definitely there. I believe it's Satan's temptation making me question God's hand or protection in this....sooo....how appropriate that the scripture from James has been so fresh on my mind for the past 3 weeks?!

One more thing....last week I shared about changing directions in my career....... I have to say I think it caught quite a few people off guard. Understandably so. I had only shared the news with my immediate family, a close friend, my preacher and my administration. I can honestly say it's still something that I can't even fully explain....it's just something I feel I'm being nudged to do. There have been some questions people ask - mostly "Why" and "What will you be doing?" A few have wondered why I would leave a job I love and the security of teacher retirement, benefits, and summer break. One person even asked if I would be making a lot more money (because that's the only logical reason people leave a job they like).....with all of these questions I've had all kinds of thoughts in my mind.....but still it's something I feel like I should do. So maybe...just maybe God is using the scripture from the book of James to remind me not to feel deprived over the loss of summers off...maybe there's a bigger purpose and a bigger triumph somewhere.....who knows....I just know I have to keep praying and keep trusting. Maybe Hospice is what God's plan has been for me all along or maybe it's just where I need to be for now....any way that it goes, I'm just gonna trust Him!

Hopefully, if there are questions you have in your own mind right now, maybe something from the book of James....or something else is speaking to you....just hang on!

Love,
Angel

change

Change can be scary. I don't think anyone can argue with that.

Change can also be exciting.

Change can be something we desire, something we didn't see coming or something we don't like very much....but still...any way you put it...change is scary!

I feel like my life has been full of changes for the past seven years. What's funny though is how I can sometimes see just a glimpse of God's plans after things have changed. I've often stood amazed at God's timing and how life works....how things often come full circle...even when it seems it would never end up that way.

When I was put on bed-rest in January 2010, I didn't really have any idea that within the next few months I would be resigning from the career I loved so much - a job I felt I was called to do. I had no idea that a sweet baby girl would steal our hearts and change our lives forever. I had no idea of all the challenges we had yet to face.

After Zeta died in 2013, I felt I found another true calling in life (which doesn't seem to happen often)....we helped continue the idea of Team Zeta (started by family and friends) as a mission to serve sick and special needs families and their children and families......and my friend and I took on our own personal missions to "save the world" by spreading the word of Jesus. I loved being able to tell others our story and witness about all the wonderful things that God had orchestrated in our lives....and she enjoyed being the manager, cheerleader, and P.R. director (at least she acted like she enjoyed it :p)..... It gave me a purpose and calling...a way to deal with the grief and also a way to help others.

Within a couple of months I had a couple of job offers and I went back to work. That's what people do. They get on with life and try to get back to "normal" after death. I went to work at AJA. Though my title was the same (school counselor) - the setting was different. I was working with a different group of children in a different atmosphere....but I loved it. I liked the family atmosphere and being able to work through difficulties with older children. I liked being able to openly witness in the school setting.

October 2014 - I heard the sad news that Anita passed away unexpectedly. Anita was the sweetest soul you'd ever meet. She was one of my peer observers during my first year teaching in Barnwell, and she taught my oldest child in elementary school. She even came to visit us in Arizona when Zeta had brain surgery (she was close by on vacation). She always had the brightest smile....seemed forever happy....and never had a bad word to say about anyone...and no one ever had a bad thing to say about her either! Anita was also the person who became school counselor after I resigned. So, January 2015....under bittersweet circumstances, I returned to my passion as school counselor at Barnwell Primary School. Few people can say they have the opportunity to return to "life as they knew it". I realized right away how God had somehow brought all of this together. I still don't understand the whys or all of the ins and outs....but Anita was the perfect person to fill the role of school counselor....the reasons and timing of why I left were not of my own choosing and I knew in my mind I would never be able to return to the same position...people just don't leave this job....she was meant to be there for a purpose.....The first day I walked into the office I remember just sitting there.....dumbfounded. I questioned why my little girl....why Anita... why death...and at the same time I was so grateful that I was back to where I felt I belonged. I ended up writing a lengthy letter to Anita's mom... ..pouring out my heart....sharing my soul....and hoping I could offer at least a little comfort to her. There's a connection you have as a mom who has lost a child....it's not a club that you want to belong to...you don't even ever have to say anything...but there is a connection.

I have to admit, I was a little nervous about going back to my old job. I mean, Anita was a class-act. You know, those people that no one can compare? Well, it wasn't like that. Everyone welcomed me with open arms. Just about all the teachers were the same friends I left a few years before. The biggest difference was the administration. Not one administrative person was the same! I was quite worried about how I would fit in.....thankfully, my insecurities were quickly laid to rest and even my new administration felt comfortable and familiar. I knew I was back to where I belonged.

A big thing that changed during all of this time was my drive and mission to share our story with others. Granted, much of it had to do with slipping back into worldly ways and not reflecting and listening as much to God....I mean...when Zeta was alive and in the few months after she died that's all I did.... I prayed...I reflected...I prayed some more...I wrote...I shared...I reached out....because it helped me heal....and because I had so much to tell about all the ways we were blessed. The more I worked and fell back into "real life" the less I prayed, reflected, and shared. It wasn't on purpose.....and no one caused it....I guess maybe I just couldn't quite figure out how to balance my "old" life and "present" life.

So many things have changed in the past 7 years....and things continue to change all the time....Just when I think I have it figured out, I realize there's a whole lot I don't know or understand. I know that I love my life and I am appreciative of every opportunity given to me so far. I know there are so many things I wish I could change, but I also realize that I don't understand God's whole plan. I understand that God calls us to do certain things....and I know that I don't always want to listen....I also know that sometimes I worry about whether I'm doing what God calls me to do or what I want to do....

No wonder change is so scary....I can look back and see that some decisions I've made were absolutely on-point and in line with God's direction in my life....other decisions - well, let's just say...not so much! The best I can do is pray and have the faith that God protects me.

So.... with all of this talk about change, I just wanted to let you know this.....I feel God has led me in a different direction in my life and has given me the opportunity to share our story in a different light. In the next few weeks, I will, again, walk away from a job I love.....I'll miss hugging all my school babies and seeing their smiling faces....... but what I hope to do will be just as rewarding...share a story of hope with the medical community and the community as a whole. I will be working with Hospice Care of South Carolina as an educator/advocate/community liaison....I'll have the opportunity to share our story and experience first-hand!

I'm sure I'll be sharing more about exactly what all it entails as I figure it out myself. Just pray for me. Pray for my family as we embark on yet another change <3

Count it all JOY

It used to be a common (albeit amazing) thing for me to notice all the ways God chose to speak to me. After Zeta was born, and the year after she died, I experienced the most intense, real, and fulfilling relationship I'd ever had with Christ Jesus.

Regretfully, the two years that ensued after that were filled with chaos, confusion, bad decisions, hurt, and what seemed an impenetrable wall between God and me. I went back to work, my marriage appeared to crumble before my eyes, I had (yet again) lost my plan, seemed to fail at everything (or worse - gave up attempting at life...not caring about myself or anyone or anything else seemed to be the easiest option).....I felt I had totally lost my purpose....my health declined....and life continued to happen (maybe spiral out of control is a better description). I continued to try to smile, but I felt so empty inside.... and that emptiness filled every aspect of my life....and left me continually searching.

Slowly, over the past year and a half or so, I've started to talk to God again...or maybe I should say I began to listen again....I don't think I ever gave up talking to God....I had plenty to talk about...plenty of reasoning for why I felt the way I felt and why I chose the things I chose and why there just wasn't much purpose to my life anymore. Yep, I had tons to talk about....I just didn't really care to listen!

Well, I've done plenty of listening lately....thing is, I have trouble with the thoughts of how I messed up....how I ran a million miles in the opposite direction of where I had been...that's just Satan trying to remain in my way...If anything, through all of my experiences, I've learned that God is merciful...and forgiving.

A friend recently gave me a book titled Move On by Vicki Courtney. The back cover gives this message "...Once we face our messes, God, with his sweet mercy, can help us get real, deal, and truly move on. Then with Mercy by our side, we are able to break free and experience the grace and freedom God intends." Just a couple of days ago, in the book, I read Courtney's take on James 1:2...."Count it all joy...when you meet trials of various kinds." I spent a lot of time thinking of how that verse sustained me many times during Zeta's short life and how I could count the joy because of the HOPE I held in my heart.....the HOPE through every hospital admission, every procedure.....and even the HOPE through Zeta's death...and the assurance that, through God, she conquered life and death...and that one day I would too....but that's where things changed. After thinking about my running so long from life and God, I began to question how God could have 'allowed' me to make such poor choices...to lose my purpose, my vision, my hope....I wondered how He could 'let me' quit caring about much of anything....I wondered how He could 'let' my body fail me.... once I got a grasp on the fact that God didn't cause those things- 99% of it was direct consequences of my own actions - Once I realized that and decided to seek HIM again - things started changing....BUT I wondered if I was so far away from Him that it was just too much work to hope again...or maybe that I don't have the credibility to be "preaching" HOPE to the masses...that's what I have such a hard time overcoming now....Spiritually, I'm in a much better place than even a year ago...it's the forgiving myself and feeling 'worthy enough' to share God's great mercies and sing His praises that I have difficulty with right now. I mean, who am I to talk faith when all I did for so long was run away from God - not to mention it was after the fact that I had already fallen flat on my face and understood His power and my weakness when I let go of any control I thought I had after Zeta was born....

Today, our pastor's sermon came from that same verse in the book of James....and he preached on it again tonight...All, I can say is that I'm listening and I'm hearing every word loud and clear. God loves, God forgives....we have control of our own decisions...and yes, even the trials that we bring upon ourselves can produce suffering that leads us to understand the MIGHTINESS of God.

So, you know what? God is still speaking...I'm admitting my mistakes...but (more importantly) I'm also moving on past them...and the most amazing thing? Though our hearts fragile...our marriage is strong.....my support network loving...my life has purpose and most of all.....God is showing up just as real and as intense as before...

Today marks 4 years that Zeta left this earth. That day is a bittersweet memory for sure....The day we held our baby girl as she left all the suffering here on earth to stand in GLORY with JESUS...It probably sounds strange to most...but it was a calm and peaceful series of moments that I cherish...because God had His hand around me as she took her last breath and I in those final moments I never doubted His plan. What's glorious about today is how He used this verse of scripture (more than once) to prove to me that He is still present...still holding His arms wide open...and is still the KING of HOPE and GLORY.

You can take it from me...and ordinary, messed up sinner...searching for God...no longer searching for answers...or read it for yourself here in the book of James....https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=James+1&version=NIV

While you're at it, take a listen to two of my favorite songs:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B6fA35Ved-Y

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DjNZf878ISQ

If I can accept defeat, start again and move on....YOU can too<3

Love,
Angel

Letting God back In

Grief happens in about a million ways.

Just look around.

March to May always seems the hardest. Zeta was born in March. Three years later, she died in May. Perhaps its not harder....maybe I just reflect more....or take time to either actually feel my thoughts - or run away from them....maybe both..A tumultuous journey of ....well, feeling. No more running...just feeling...and dealing with it.

I think about my grandmoma, who lost her oldest son last year. (His birthday was just this week.) I can't begin to wrap my head around that. Your. Grown. Child. Your hard-working, full of quiet personality grown-up child. A person you've known and loved longer than most anybody else in the world. I can understand at least a piece of that, but certainly not in the same way my grandmoma feels and experiences it. Logical human reasoning tells us that our children should not die before us.....I've seen how much that grief has changed her. We can blame it all on old age. I mean she has a few years on 90....but I know where her mind is...It's tired, it's hurting, it feels broken.

I think about my mom, who lost her brother. They were 12 years apart, so I'm sure, in some ways, maybe he seemed more like a father figure when she was younger. Maybe they didn't always see eye-to-eye.... just like my sister and me (and 99.9% of all siblings).... but he was her brother.

I think about my closest cousin who lost her dad. A pain I don't even want to begin to understand. The expected order of life is that our parents will pass on before us....but where does that leave us?

I think about the thoughts that must surely flow through their minds. I wonder if they feel normal. I question what normal even really means.

Loss impacts us in ways we could never imagine. It can strengthen your faith or crack your soul....perhaps a little of both...depending on the moment.

If I thought I was normal before Zeta died, then I often question if I'll ever feel normal again.....Grief pushes your mind to places you never knew existed...places you wish to never visit again...and places you can't seem to escape...on the other hand it can force you to examine yourself, your strength, your faith. It can cause you to break in ways you never dreamed possible and make you question your trust in everything around you...your trust in yourself....maybe even your trust in God.....

....but God understands that....He created us....He knows we are imperfect....He knows...He just knows. The most wonderful thing is He is always there. HE never gives up.

The first year after Zeta died, I felt at peace. I knew God was there and I felt my place in life. After that, Satan slowly crept into my life. I began to question my capability as a mother, a wife - a functioning person in society. I questioned my purpose. I questioned my worth. I struggled with all sorts of addictions...if you know anything about addictions, you know that not all involve drugs...addictions (simply) involve actions or habits. Some even seem healthy....some not so much.....BUT if you're using your actions, habits, things, whatever - to fill a void or escape feelings....well...then its an addiction. Without even realizing it, I was determined to run away or destroy my life. Slowly, I've found balance...some days I feel almost like a normal person....and some days...well, I might just feel disconnected.

Grief....and addictions can poison your body. I've been there too. Whether health woes manifest from stress and anxiety or an unnamed autoimmune response has yet to be determined....but it's real.

Now, put the grief of 4 very different individuals in one house. Sometimes, we hold the grief in for fear of making someone else hurt. Sometimes the pain of grief comes out as anger towards people who love us most....but sometimes grief gives you awesome perspective on just how precious life really is....

I worry.

I worry about my boys - the fact that they're teenagers now....and they've had this front row seat on a journey they never asked for or even saw coming....I am amazed at how resilient they have been and fear the things that they keep stuffed inside. I worry that me being wrapped in my own grief -and decisions I've made- will one day cause their own brokenness.

I worry about Stevie. Sometimes it is easy to forget that he lost a child too. Sometimes I get so wrapped in my own head...needing and wanting my own things...that I forget.

It sounds awful...it is awful.

.....BUT

It is also amazing....and....incredible....

IF you have GOD....IF you have FAITH.


With God All Things Are Possible.

With God, life on earth is not eternal.

With God, Love is gracious, and wonderful, and merciful.

With God, we can beat life....and grief...and death.

During (and after) Zeta's short life I witnessed, first-hand, God's everlasting grace, and strength and mercy. I knew a peace unsurpassed. A peace so unexplainable that all I wanted to do was share it with others. With God, I truly understood the meaning of "All things are possible." I knew....and I know. God has courage when mine is gone. God has understanding when I have questions. God has love when my heart feels bitter. God is everything.

What's frustrating is I know this....I truly, honestly, 1,000 percent know this....and I still fail. I've failed in so many ways that I sometimes question how God still loves me and blesses me in the way that he does. What's frustrating is the fog in my brain, the searching for purpose....the constant thoughts in my head....when I know God is peace.

I let God back in...What's reassuring is HE never left...

Imposter Beware

Imposter Syndrome.

I've been tossing this around in my head for a while now.

I think it's a pretty accurate sentiment about how I would describe myself.

If you've followed much of my blog you understand that I fight a lot with always understanding my "purpose" or trying to figure out exactly what my life should be since the death of my daughter three years ago.

3 years.

THREE YEARS.

In just a few weeks it will be three years since my little girl took her last earthly breath and transitioned into a world I have yet to encounter.

Three years. Some days it seems so long ago....and yet others it seems as though it could have been just yesterday.

...but I digress.

This imposter syndrome thing....well, to be honest, I've had it most of my life....Well, at least the life where I started to care much about what other people thought about me....

I'm pretty sure it started when I was 5.

I guess that's the first time I remember someone calling me "fat, but nice." Hmmmm.....if I couldn't be pretty then I would be nice....only I didn't always feel so nice....but being nice made people happy....so was I really a nice person? Do you follow me here? This is when I first dealt with "imposter syndrome".


Oh, I've dealt with it a lot over the years. I was labeled smart....but I worried people would find out I really wasn't. I was labeled a dingy blond...but I knew I was smart (maybe)....I just played around to make people laugh (well, most of the time)......I was labeled athletic and strong....only thing is..a lot of the times I just went as hard as I could....I really didn't know what I was doing. I felt like a lot of the opportunities in life afforded to me were only given to me because of who I was - like my family, where I came from....or because I was nice......or maybe it was just good luck or good genes.....I was only pretty because my parents or friends said I was pretty....if you're a girl you're called pretty, right?....but I wasn't like the girls in the magazines..... I wasn't so sure I deserved all (or sometimes any) of the good things people came to expect from or of me.

So you understand this imposter syndrome thing now? It's like you're living your life and you're afraid people will find out who you "really" are - (which you aren't even sure of who that might be) and then your life will be ruined...... and you'll have no friends and you'll lose everything.....and you won't know who to be....or how to act....and you'll write horrible run-on sentences that make your English teacher cringe.....

Evidently, imposter syndrome is something a lot of people feel.....look it up!

Our identities are so hinged on acceptance and success that we're bound to not feel good enough at atleast some point!

I can honestly say there was one time in my life I won the battle against imposter syndrome.

Zeta.

Yep, the hardest days of my life were also some of the happiest. The most unsure moments of my life were defined by a force propelled by something than my own soul.......It took a few weeks...or maybe a few months....but once I 'figured' it out I knew what I was supposed to do and exactly how to do it. I understood pain and mercy, love and grace, and so many other things....I understood that my mission was to be a mother, to pray fervently, and to exude hope beyond a magnitude I had never known. I never once worried about whether or not people believed that I was a mother....or that I prayed....or that I had the highest hopes in my heart.....

Wasn't my job to worry about that....

Didn't have time to worry about it.

Now?

My life has an obvious split point.

Life before Zeta.....and life after Zeta.

That's not to say that everything before or after Zeta is not important....

...but it's how I define a lot of things....

Life after Zeta has been....well...let's say..hmm.... an IMPOSTER SYNDROME NIGHTMARE!@#$%!

Wouldn't it be great if we could always live without feeling like an imposter??? .....like everyday was the most important day ever and could be our last?......living everyday like we know our purpose, our destiny...our meaning in life......

Today, I say to heck with that little voice that says I'm not good enough....not smart enough...not pretty enough...not nice enough..... not ________________ (you fill in the blank enough)......

I'm not an imposter - I was created by God. I'm real, I'm human. I hurt and I've been hurt. I have fears and I have dreams. I forgive and I am forgiven.

God sent His Son to show us we are good enough.....instead of worrying about people finding out you're not really who they think you are - how about focusing on all the wonderful traits God invested in you...

When your focus is on Him there's little time to worry about anything else....

and the bonus?

Well, let's just say --- He made you pretty perfect:)


As for God, his way is perfect: The Lord's word is flawless; he shields all who take refuge in him.

Faith of a Mustard Seed

"This.....this doesn't exist anymore." Stevie angrily told me this one night. There was more to what he was saying than you can even imagine.

It's so true. This doesn't exist anymore. The smiling faces of a family of five. Mom, Dad, two sweet boys, and a precious baby girl. It doesn't exist anymore.

I wish I could explain to you all the meaning that statement had behind it..... but.....for now, at least..... I can't.

The obvious part is that after May 7, 2013 the family pictured above ceased to exist. That's the day our sweet baby girl took her last breath....laying in my arms.....surrounded by close family and friends.

So much has changed since that day. The picture was actually taken just a few days before God took my sweet baby girl to spend eternity with Him. So much had already changed in our family...Some things changed in ways we didn't want or expect, but so many more things changed for the better.

Over the past few years, I also changed in ways I never wanted or expected. I also changed in ways that I never knew were possible - both good and bad....

I questioned my place with God....and I found peace with Him....

I fell away from Him and held a grudge so large that I didn't even admit it was there....

I chased happiness doing church things and then things that God nor many others would approve of....

I lost the peace....I lost my assurance....or rather, I let it slip away....

It seemed to happen so slowly that I wasn't even aware of what was happening....

Others could see it....some even tried to speak it, but I would hear none of it....

Walking in my house I only wanted to run away....looking at my family I only saw pain and death....I focused on the fact that I wanted to be somewhere else...I didn't know where, but I knew it wasn't here.... I was chasing peace and happiness....

Only, I forgot where that all resides.....

I forgot about the day I fell flat on my face in a hotel room praying for my sweet baby and knowing that I, nor a soul on this earth, could change anything that was happening. I prayed to God in a way I never had before. I didn't make any deals, I didn't ask for healing, I didn't ask for the pain to stop...I didn't even ask for him to save my baby girl or rescue either of us from the pain we were experiencing. I simply prayed for Him to take control.

...and He did...

....in such a BIG way....

...in a way I had only heard was possible.

God calmed my heart. He gave me peace. He took all of my worry away. He assured me that everything happening was only temporary and that He was in control. He assured me it wouldn't last forever, and He gave me the strength to make it through that night....and the next....and all the nights after that.

I hung on to that peace for a very long time. I'm pretty sure that peace sustained me through the day Zeta took her last breath and the days after.

Some time though....at some moment...the questions stirred in my mind again....why was this happening....was I being punished? Wasn't I good enough? Didn't I do everything right that I knew to do? Why then, did my baby die.....

I can look back now and see that I held those questions in my heart.....I was just too afraid to admit it or say it out loud. I was too afraid to feel my own pain. I was afraid of questioning God and losing my peace. I was dumb enough to believe that God could not handle the fiery balls of anger I held in my heart.

...but I know now it was there....I remember following children on facebook and not being able to finish reading some of their stories because they were too familiar. I remember questioning what kind of God would allow so many babies and children and families to suffer.....I remember all of the whys......

Thing is, I never would say "Why me God....Why my baby?"......but I know now that's what I was really wanting to say.....

Instead, I kept my feelings hidden....ha, as if God didn't know what I was thinking.....still, I was so great at hiding the true feelings from myself that I thought I could hide them from everyone else....including God.

What a stupid, human thing to think, huh?

Instead of hurling my angry comments and questions at God I started looking for my own peace.

I tried good things and not so good things. I tried 'God" things and not so Godly things.

I've spent nearly 3 years running from the anger, the grudges....the hate....the questions.....what I did finally realize is that at the same time I was also running from the love...the peace...the joy.

By the time I realized this is what I was doing I fooled myself into believing I was too far gone to ever find that peace again....I told myself this is just how it was going to be...

I'd find myself for a little while....I'd come close to feeling whole again and then I'd run......

I'd start to feel the pain and I would shut down....

I'd start to feel God and there satan would appear....ready to interest me in something that would lead me back away from God.

I'd start to feel God and I would shut Him out.

One thing that has amazed me throughout our journey is God's timing and some of the people He has surrounded me with....

There are people in my life who should have given up long, long ago....

There are people in my life that I know constantly say, "Ok God, when is she gonna wake up?" "When is she going to stop running?" "When is she going to remember that there are still two precious boys and a loving husband that need her?" When is she going to realize God never left?"

Truth be told, there have times I've even asked myself these same questions.....but I had convinced myself I had grown too far away to have the peace I once felt.....

I don't know if I didn't feel as though I didn't deserve forgiveness or if I was afraid that it wouldn't be given.....wow, what a disgrace to admit....that's saying that Jesus' death on the cross was in vain....what a typical non-believing thing to think....

I've always preached on my faith....I've always known that once you're saved that faith is the impetus that pushes you through....

Unfortunately, (or maybe very fortunately) my faith dwindled to that of the mustard seed....

(At least the mustard seed still existed, eh)

I still had faith that things here are only temporary....and I had faith that one day.... maybe..... I could find the peace I so longingly searched for.....

Notice the questions still laced in that thought? "Maybe" I could find that peace.....

The only thing that has kept me from that peace is myself.....

Only very recently have I fully decided that I'm tired of fighting this battle on my own.....only very recently have I turned back to give my full focus to God....and only very recently have I remembered that although the family pictured above doesn't exist anymore that there is a lot left to fight for....

I realized again that this hard life is only temporary......

I realized that although that family in the picture above doesn't exist anymore that I am still surrounded by two boys and a man that loves me.....

I realize what we have been through and all that is yet to come.

I realize that I've longed for the family pictured above to exist again....That I've been so angry that it was destroyed and torn apart.....I realize we did a lot of things on our own to try to finish destroying it....
Most of all, I realize that the family pictured there is not what I really desire.....The family pictured there is broken and imperfect....a family, that although filled with smiles and love, was also filled with pain and death and brokenness....the family I want is the family God created and put together.

I thought it began with a man and a woman that loved each other and created three precious lives....

I understand now that God created that man and woman with a free will to follow Him....to guide those children in His ways, and to seek eternity with Him....

So, while I'm going to enjoy the time I have left here as a part of this family, I'm also going to bask in the glory of the day we will all be together in eternity. The day when we are no longer broken....when there are no more tears....and no more pain.... when Zeta shows us how to dance with the angels....the day when we are all whole again.

I have no doubt that it will happen....we've all been blessed to experience and accept God's glorious gift of life....

....and I'm thankful for mercy and forgiveness....so much that has been shown to me that I have the ultimate duty and honor of sharing God's love for all of us.

Take it from me....there is nothing too hard for God....there's nothing so big or so horrible that God can't fix....there's nothing that says you can't change your life right now....It doesn't matter if you've never accepted God's gift of Salvation or if you feel like you've messed up a million times....God forgives....God heals....God loves....

God disciplines....but don't all good parents? Isn't that what we do? God loves you more than you can possibly imagine...His love for you is greater than any love you've ever given or received and that's a difficult thing to imagine....

Living for God isn't always the easiest thing to do....but it's definitely the best.

You're gonna mess up...you're gonna be judged.

You're gonna feel pain. You're gonna experience death and brokenness.

Wouldn't it be awesome to have a Hope for so much more? Wouldn't it be wonderful to be able to face the next second of your life believing that there's so much more?

My voice

I have a voice.

Sometimes I lose my voice.

I think it's been this way most of my life.

There are people who've come to know me during certain times of my life that view me as quiet and reflective. Others, well they have the privilege (or curse) of knowing the open, opinionated, and talkative Angel.

Don't be confused, I always have a lot to say....

Sometimes though, I'm cautious....

Sometimes it's because I'm afraid of judgement. Sometimes,it's just because I realize I don't know enough to speak or defend a certain opinion.

I hate to fail.

That's also been evident in my life. I'm not a perfectionist, but I just choose not to pursue things I don't think I can accomplish....maybe that's just being a coward.

A few years ago, I found my voice again....though I'm not sure it was so much MY voice or a voice I thought needed to be heard for Zeta (and the children and families desperately searching for someone in similar circumstances) or if it was a voice prompted by God's grace and mercy....blind faith and bull-headed determination....

Regardless, I lost that voice.

I can think of a million reasons why.

There's fear....

Fear of being ridiculed....of harping on my own personal circumstance....fear of inadvertently exposing or exploiting people in my blogs and with my words.....fear of exposing myself....

Yes, that's it....vulnerability....fear of people seeing inside my heart and soul.

Well, that's all good and well when my mind feels clear....when I'm able to rationally process thoughts....when I feel like I'm living to the best of my human ability to live like Christ.

It's completely different when I feel ashamed.....ashamed because I know I've made poor choices....ashamed because I hurt people out of confusion---or worse, selfishness. It's different when I feel like hiding for fear of exposing my own faults.

I've never considered myself a malicious, vengeful or spiteful person. I don't think many people would openly admit to being such.

However, there have been times I've been called out...times someone has taken note of my faults...time when people have gently (and not so gently) pointed out my sins. All of that can make you feel shameful.

I've found, though, that I can feel shame when someone else points it out....but when I realize my own shortcomings and admit where I've fallen that's another level....that's more than embarrassment and shame. That's broken guilt and remorse. there's a desire to run...run far away and hide....hide from people I hurt....from people that think somehow I should do better and be better because of how vocal I've been about my commitment and faith in God....I think above all that, it's a fear of God viewing me differently...a fear that I'm not good enough...

Well, that's probably a pretty big slap in the face to my Lord. I mean He is the God of GRACE and MERCY. He is the definition of FORGIVENESS.....

But you know what happens? Satan convinces me I'm not good enough...that because I'm not good enough I shouldn't have a voice...I shouldn't share my blessings and talk about God's glory...it's just not place...granted, it's not an audible voice from lucifer, himself, telling me this....instead, it's my own thoughts racing in my head...

Those thoughts have been winning....winning way too much.....

What probably started as growing resentment exploded into full blown loss of much logical and rational thinking.

This was very well illustrated in a sermon at church last night. The pastor painted a poignant illustration of the nazis and how twisted their thought processes grew until it reached unfathonable levels of cruelty. The nazis didn't wake up one day and decide they wanted to be monstrous murders. It all began with a seed of them believing their people were better than other people. Sadly, we all know where those seemingly non-threatening thoughts led.

I can see the similar things happening in my own life the past couple of years. I didn't wake up one day and decide to quit speaking about my faith. I didn't plan on making so many of the choices I have....I didn't plan on trying to escape reality or give up being the wife and mother I'd always envisioned and hoped I would be....I didn't plan on shutting out the people closest to me and silently imploding....

....but once it started...once the first person called me out...I fought years of resentment from how I felt certain people had hurt me....I fought a sense of entitlement from feeling like I paid my dues and that no one understood...I fought feelings of inadequacy... Like I had tried to do everything the right way and had nothing to show for it....it often led back to saying....well I tried...but my baby is still gone....

Every single thing that happened or caused me trouble...it all ended with that thought...well I was the best wife and mother I could be for as long as I could remember...I worked even harder as a mother for zeta but that didn't change the outcome. It ultimately ends in me feeling sorry for myself. It might be what some call a crutch or excuse.

I felt guilty. I felt unappreciated for the years I had spent being a wife and mother before zeta. I never wanted to admit that, but it was a slow, ticking time bomb within my soul....it went on so long and so quietly in the background that I never even really acknowledged it.

Until....

Until, I lost my cool...

Until I let my guard down.

Until I bought into all the false beliefs I was silently telling myself.

We all have experiences that change us. Sometimes, it's a loud, instantly life altering moment. A diagnosis...a loss...an unimaginable event that creates pain and sorrow and inexplicable grief....

More often than not...it's the little experiences and how we deal ...or choose not to deal...with those experiences and the impact they have on us.

I've been told more than once that I'm naive...that people don't love and care in the same way that I did...maybe that's true....

I know when I'm dealing with my own shortcomings and fighting myself I also view other people a little more unforgiving and uncaring....

Working in education and having a strong psychology background, I can spew off a myriad of acronyms and labels...you can bet that if you're not acting in a way I think is "normal" I'm scanning my mind for a reason and a label...don't worry, I've come up with a pretty exhaustive list for myself too...

See, once I figured out I wasn't normal either I decided there are only two labels that matter....SAVED or LOST. Everything else is pretty irrelevant in the big picture.

Life isn't fair. There's always going to be someone or something to drag you down. The choice is up to you as in how you let it change you. Will you lay down and let it overcome you or will you stand up and fight?

I love a feel good sermon or inspirational message as much as the next person...

Unfortunately, life is not a feel good fairy tale...life is full of challenges, drama, hatred, lies, and heartache....

The flip side of all that is there's a price that was paid a very long time ago....

It was paid on a cross full of Perceived shame, defeat, and loss....it prevailed with grace, mercy, love, life and forgiveness.

I put my faith in that.

Life is gonna knock me down again, I have no doubt. There are gonna be times I fail, and times I succumb to what the fallen one wants....

Just like tonight...I skipped the last night of revival....because I felt dizzy...nauseous...maybe I was scared....scared of breaking down and letting go...scared of saying yes to what God is telling me to do...

Turns out I still couldn't hide. I spent that time in reflection and again contemplating my purpose....

I still don't know the definitive answer. I don't know what's in store for me...I don't know when I'll fail again...I don't know when I'll feel like running and trying to hide...but for now...for now, I'm sure I have a voice.

I'm sure it's in my calling to continue to expose my own raw thoughts and emotions in order to glorify Him.

I might fail tomorrow or next week....but I'm hanging my faith on the cross that stood to offer a path to save me.