Loss

Loss hurts.

Be it loss by death, loss by choice, or loss without known reasons....

Loss hurts.

I've struggled tremendously with loss this week.

Sometimes loss is obvious. As in death. When we lose a loved one the feeling of mourning is expected. When we deal with death we expect sadness and tears. Emotions are expected....only no one has ever put a specific time frame on what is appropriate for that mourning....or when the mourning should actually start. What if it doesn't start immediately after death? What if the acceptance of death starts to seem real much later?

Sometimes loss is not obvious. When you grow distant from someone....maybe not for any apparent reason, but it just happens....or when things just suddenly become different...or when someone just cuts you out of their life....The loss of feeling devalued by someone can be almost as hurtful as loss by death.

We never know what people are dealing with. We don't know their internal feelings or problems. We may not always know what kind of losses they are experiencing or the sadness that consumes them. We don't always know what directs people's behavior....As a matter of fact, sometimes it might even be hard to gauge what directs our own behavior at times.....

My feelings of loss today are very layered - some relating to the loss of Zeta and some not so much.....
Rumor is they are supposed to put her headstone in today. This is something I've avoided almost completely and just have not dealt with very well at all....I didn't want to pick it out, I didn't want to order it....and here we are over a year later.....However, I've been by the cemetery twice today - maybe just to see if it's there...I'm not really sure....

One thing we should work on is trying to understand those around us....the world is filled with enough hate without adding to each others problems...

We've been called to love one another even when it's difficult.

34 “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. John 13:34 (NIV)

That's a pretty awesome responsibility considering that God loved us enough for Jesus to die on the cross.....Do we love most people even a portion of how God loves us?

I've been blessed in my life to have people who love me.....even when I'm emotional or difficult.....

My prayer is that others can experience the same type of love....love that's greater than anything we could experience from anyone here on earth. Love that is truly unconditional....love that is stronger than the bond between a husband and wife or parent and child.....unwavering love...My prayer is that I too can work toward showing this same type of love....

Oh, and since I initially began this post Zeta's stone was placed.....

A reminder of great losses, but an even greater reminder that God's plans are much bigger than my own!

"For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord. "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans for a hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

broken

I have a confession.

I'm a little OCD.

Not in the traditional sense, but I apparently struggle with obsessions to some extent. There are tons of things in the world that don't bother me...that crooked picture on the wall? Only occasionally. My pile of stuff in the corner? Only when it gets larger than usual.....

So I'm probably not OCD right?

Then there has to be another term for it because once I get something in my mind it has to happen or I go absolutely crazy!!!

I think a lot about Zeta and all she went through. If there was a symptom or diagnosis that was related to something she was experiencing I researched and talked to doctors and therapists until everything I read or heard was just repeating itself. I just couldn't stop.

Everyday of her life I wanted to "fix" her. I wanted to make her whole. Even when I finally understood that there was nothing to be fixed- that God created her perfectly in the way in which he wanted her....that fix-it instinct occasionally still came out.

I've spent a lot of my life trying to fix things. I don't mean in the physical sense necessarily, I mean in the sense of holding on to that save the world attitude.

I'm an eternal optimist. Even when struggling through some of my worst bouts of depression when I was finally able to get out of bed or see through the fog of the anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds I still wanted to fix things - or people, rather.

Most of my educational career I wanted to fix all the broken children. I was drawn to special education at first. Then, in the regular classroom I always found myself most attached to the children who had the most problems, or who struggled the most, or seemed to need the most love....

Stevie could tell you how many times I asked him about adopting random children or bringing children home with us because they seemed to have no one..... or the countless conversations on the phone with parents who were fighting desperately to find a way to help their child succeed.....

My life has always centered around fixing the broken.

Because of this I'm often called a doormat.........

I'm told people walk all over me, that these people don't really have problems they just use me.

I've also found out myself that I very easily become an enabler.....sometimes because of the love I feel- and the desire I have to want to be the one to 'be there' or the one to help- sometimes I put myself into awkward situations or seriously end up feeling very used.....

These are all choices I make on my own....and while the feeling of wanting to love or fixing the broken sounds great in theory.... maybe its not always the best thing.

OR ....Maybe its not always my place. Maybe sometimes its my own selfish desire of wanting to feel needed that makes me like this.

I'm a pretty tough fighter. I hate to lose. More than that I hate for anyone to feel that they're not worthy of love.....I will kick, fight, scream, push...just about anything to make you realize that you are worthy of love.

Sometimes though, my feelings get hurt. Sometimes, I realize I've pushed enough. Sometimes, I realize that it's not my place to be fixing.....and sometimes I actually realize that I'M THE BROKEN ONE.

There are so many people hurting in this world. There's so much death and destruction....poverty and sickness....hatred.....there are so many problems out there bigger than my own....so often times there are so many questions....

Brokenness causes emptiness. I am broken because although I try to follow God I have a tendency to try to live according to my own plans sometimes....I should know by now that never works.

Realizing I'm broken makes me lean back on my faith....and the One who is there no matter how much I try to hide.....




He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. He determines the number of the stars and calls them each by name. Psalm 147 3-4

Looking for something

Do you know how it is when you lose something important? You know that frantic feeling where you tear the house up just searching because you know it has to be there somewhere?

Do you ever do that with your life?

Do you turn your life, your whole world, upside down searching for something?

I would bet that most of us do.

I know that I have a tendency to do it.

As humans we tend to seek what makes us happy- what makes us fulfilled. Ever have that empty space feeling? I used to have it a lot but I think once I went through certain trials with Zeta I figured out that that empty space was only completely filled by God. Money couldn't fill it, things couldn't fill it, my friends couldn't fill it, even my family couldn't fill it. If there was a need I had , all of those things could fill help cheer my heart at some time but it never completely filled the void.

Immediately after Zeta died I believe I relied on god more fully than I ever had. However, in the past several months I'm sad to say I felt strong enough to try to take back my life as my own. What I mean is I got so strong with God as the focus of my life that I suppose I thought I was partially responsible for that strength.

I didn't even realize this was happening, but some people around me did.

I look at my life and realize that I am blessed beyond measure. I have a family that will and has almost literally gone to the ends of the earth for me. I have
Food to eat and clothes to wear. Heck I fuss about things that I don't have just like the next person, but it dawned on me the other day when I was shopping that although I really hate shopping I sure do it a lot😳
I am blessed with a strong network of people I can call on for work and life related questions and I also have some pretty amazing friends.

From the outside looking in my life looks pretty perfect.

Well folks, I'm here to tell you that nobody's life is perfect and no matter the image we project to the world we all fight constant battles. It's life.

That emptiness...that feeling of searching for something...I know it all too well. Most would guess that the loss of Zeta played a big part of thAt and I won't deny that at all....but before you start giving me a free pass to feel any way I please just because I'm a member of the 'lost a child club' I want to make sure you're aware that this isn't the first time I've dealt with the emptiness.

As humans we yearn for love and validation and acceptance. Even the people who are self proclaimed loners yearn for those same things. They may not express love or needs in the same way but they have them none the less.

Sometimes the emptiness consumes you. People make a lot of choices based on that feeling of emptiness. Some good, some not so good, but all for th hope of reaching the same end goal- a feeling of wholeness....a feeling of completeness...a feeling of knowing that you have all you want, all you need, and everything to make you happy.

The mistake we make is in confusing the things that actually make us happy and in choosing things that are only temporary or maybe really not good for us at all.

The emptiness can cause unhappiness or indifference..

Emptiness can cause people to drink, do drugs,have affairs, tell lies, avoid people, hang out with the wrong people, and the list goes on and on ...causing people to exhibit behaviors they might not otherwise do. Frequently, people reach some point that they realize completely what they're doing but the feeling of temporarily filling that void outweighs any d other feeling in the world.

Sometimes the things that we choose to fill those voids aren't necessarily bad for us. For instance, I try to run from my emptiness sometimes so I throw myself into my training, I find every activity in the world to be a part of, I surround myself with friends, I text all day and check social media, I find anything at all to distract myself from letting myself get in touch with my true emotions. Those things in and of themselves may not be all wrong but when I use them to avoid actually feeling or living life they become problematic.

For 3 years I lived a life so fast paced and so chaotic that I didn't always have time to even sense what I was feeling, let alone feel it. I spent most days waking, wondering what the day would bring...would we be home or in the hospital, would we have a simple doctors visit or would we rush to the hospital or would the ambulance come or would we make it to the doctor and end up being airlifted. Would Breathe pretty well on her own or would it be a battle? Would she make it a few hours without seizures wrecking her body or would it consume her all day. Would we remember to give her every bit of the never ending medications.. Would I be fighting insurance to pay for the medicine or back and forth to the pharmacy or waiting for FedEx to bring the meds. Looking back I don't know how we ever made it....all I can say is that the love of a child and the grace of God are the only things that pushed my weary soul and body.....and My sweet Zeta....I know that it was God that sent her here and He who made sure her very existence was for His purpose.

I've been angry. My soul has been empty.

I was nominated to be the feature of an article in a parent magazine as mother of the year around Mother's Day I even talked to the writer, but in the end I (almost subconsciously and rudely) walked away because I didn't feel worthy. I realize that's not the only thing I've pushed away or missed out on. My fear of feeling inadequate or feeling that if people 'really' knew me hinder me from a lot of things sometimes.

Some people who know me might beg to differ. They view me as bold and confident, yet others view me as quiet and contemplative....I'm pretty sure I'm a little of both depending on the situation.

I've gone through highs and lows. Some things make make me shameful, some leave me with many questions but I know that there's been purpose in everything that has led me to this point. I know that God's not done with me yet and I know that I live in His grace and His mercy. I know that He can fill the emptiness and that my life in Heaven will be without emptiness.

I know that His grace is sufficient and I know it's my job to keep telling it.

You know, I've talked about living in a glass house. One thing that bothers me a lot are comments that people sometimes get when they're doing exactly what God wants them to do....trying to be something they're not....let me explain. The saying that the church is full of hypocrites. Well that's very true. By design none of us are perfect. So when I'm around people and they make the comment that someone seemed surprised that we would do stuff together because I'm too Godly or goody goody (mainly bc of my very public proclamations) it hurts my heart and also makes me want to lower the blinds in my glass house. Shouldn't we ALL be trying to be something we're not....which is to say we should all be trying to do better. We all sin. We have sins and secrets.....some people hide them better than others and some people just sin differently. Regardless, we are all marred by sin.

However, it is all our individual responsibility not to let that sin define us or rule us. It is our responsibility to learn from our sin and to share with others the love of the only One that frees us from our sin. Wallowing in our sin does nothing. Judging others because they sin differently does nothing. Getting up and loving others, caring for others....and let's not forget loving and forgiving oneself...are the perfect witness of Christ. Don't get stuck. Don't let emptiness rule you. Live for the One who created you. Learn that we're all equal in His eyes. Seek to be the hands and feet of His mercy and Grace. Do it for yourself. Do it for others. Do it for Him...do it to get rid of the emptiness.