Reminder

If there’s a pile of dirty clothes....be thankful there are little (or not so little) people living in your house.

If the dishes are piled up....be thankful you have food to eat.

If you’re experiencing grief....be thankful for the love you shared.

If you’re feeling overwhelmed....be thankful for the responsibilities someone thought you could handle......be thankful for a mind that drives you to care.....and just always know that it could always be worse! I think we need to be constantly reminded that God NEVER promised an easy life on earth.......He promised SALVATION and ETERNAL life....IF we accept it....
There’s a difference...and very much worth the cost!

If you aren’t sure what God is doing in your life.....ask Him....read your Bible....talk about it.....just don’t let Satan sneak in....he can be a pretty good imposter.

Don’t wonder about what people are thinking about you....most people are too caught up in their own problems to worry about yours....

If they’re worried about yours then it’s for one of two reasons -
1. They care.
2. They have too much time on their hands.

I once read something like, “God didn’t create you as an end in yourself. He’s the end, you’re the means.”

That’s a pretty powerful statement considering the demands we can put on ourselves and each other.

Why does our human-ness cause us to fight battles that God has already won?

“You haven’t messed up God’s plan for your life. You, my dear, are not that powerful!”

Memories

Sometimes I wonder if I have some strange fascination with death.

Weird, I know.

It feels like I've been up close and personal with death too many times..... it's a time that forces you to reflect on LIFE.

I was with 3 of the most important people in my life when they died. My daughter, my grandmother and my grandfather.......maybe even a little more strange, I was on the phone with my aunt when she was in the hospital room with my other grandfather began having trouble and died unexpectedly after a hip operation.

Death.

It's kind of why this whole blog was started.

A journey of life, death, love.

Death

It's a stinging word.

Death

It's inevitable for every single one of us.

My "Pop" died and I thought the world would end. On that day, I watched the strongest man I knew slip away from this life while my grandmoma fought as hard as she could to make him stay. I thought she would crumble. I thought the farm would end. I thought we wouldn't have someone to always make sure everything was gonna be alright and teach us all about the things we didn't know.

My daughter died. I can't even begin to explain that to you. It just doesn't follow the natural order of life. It makes you QUESTION everything you know to be true and HOLD ON to all you know to be true at the same time. On that day, I watched her slip away - but was at peace knowing she didn't have to suffer any more.

My Grandmoma died. On that day, life turned upside down. Watching her fade away was like watching my lifeline float away. She kept our family together and always made everything ok. She defied all odds. She lived by herself, took care of herself......did all the things people her age 'shouldn't' be able to do. She was the kindest, most giving human being you could ever meet. Even in the waiting room at the hospital, my daddy and I were making plans on who would move in with her and help take care of her - just as we had done so many times before.....yet, this time....this time, she didn't need us any more....she wouldn't be coming back home...not to her physical home.....

My Grandaddy died in a hospital in Augusta while I was in a hospital in Charleston with my daughter. I barely made it to his funeral. She was fighting for her life while he lost his. I wondered how my grandmoma would go on............

Death....

It's a frightening dark thing.

....but it doesn't have to be like that....

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy.

That's what death does to the ones left behind.

Satan comes to destroy....to make us question the things we know.....to make the mourning seem so painful some days that we can't understand how we will possibly ever move on....

Christ came that we may have life and have it abundantly.

As humans, we don't always grasp this....

It's easy to fall in to the why me trap.....the nothing ever goes right....everybody has it better....why can't I have it my way trap.....

We don't understand it, but the good thing is......we don't have to.

We just have to have faith.

I’m processing

It takes me a while to process things.

People may take my ‘quietness’ as shyness, naivety, or disinterest.

....but really I’m just taking it all in....

I’m processing.

Stevie and I went for a walk today. I noticed my daddy’s labored breathing just before we left. This isn’t a huge alarm. It seems to happen frequently. He has a bad heart. He tries to play it off as congestion.

Stevie and I went for a walk.

We were almost back home. My daddy met us in the road. He basically stopped in the road while traffic was stopping behind him. We tried to motion him on.

He didn’t listen.

He stopped.

Then I realized he could hardly breathe.

Panic set in.

My outside remained calm, but I moved quickly.

We debated driving to the hospital or the fire department just a few blocks away.

The fire department won.

They called for an ambulance.

Not the first time this has happened.

Just the tachycardia.

They’ll fix it. They always do.

Helicopter called. This isn’t normal. It’s not ok. This isn’t what usually happens. My daddy can’t die. My Grandmoma died just a few weeks ago.

Two of the most important people in my life.

This is not ok.

My body remains calm. They’ll fix it. They always do.

Helicopter called off. Ambulance en route to MUSC.

He’s ok.

They fixed it. They always do.

....but what happens when they can’t.

I’m trying to process that....and I really can’t.

....but today....they fixed it....and for that I’m grateful.


*Edit - This was written in the spring while we were at the beach, but I'm just now posting.

The Aftermath

Six years....6 years. That really doesn’t sound like a long time....but....SIX YEARS.

Six years since I last held my baby girl....six years since I felt like I lost my identity....six years since I first looked in the faces of my sweet little boys and wondered if we made all the right choices.....six years since our family had to learn a new normal....again....

9 years since we adjusted to the new normal of life with a brand new baby....a baby with more profound medical needs than we (and most people) could ever imagine. A soul that taught me more about life than I knew in all the years I lived on earth.

...and then....

Three years....3 years of knowing God in the most intimate sense. Three years of accepting challenges and change. Three years of witnessing more miracles than we could ever imagine.

So much changed.

So much.

Six years. In six years I was closer to God than ever in my life....in six years I also made some of the biggest mistakes of my life....in six years I was loved. I was determined. I was faithful.

In six years I was also lost, isolated, selfish, and angry.

Six years.....or maybe 9. Who knows?

Our family's life has three eras- life before Zeta, life after Zeta, and life after we began to figure out how to pick up the pieces.....

I’ve missed writing. I’ve missed speaking. I’ve missed noticing all the infinite glory that surrounds us in the small things....oh how powerful the last few weeks of remembering 6 years (or 9) have been.

So....I’m a sentimental, sappy person. In the grand scheme of life, today was just another day that a 93 year old lady was buried....and the past few days were just a type of every day grief we all experience at some time in our life.....but to me (and I think I’m ok to say - also to our entire family) it felt like pieces of the world crumbled around us...like nothing else mattered....trying to figure out what happens next......When the center of your family is suddenly gone, well...what happens then? I’ll tell you what happens...you fight with everything you have to hold on... you comfort each other...and swallow your pride. You come together with those you haven’t seen in a while....and you put aside differences in order to pay respect to the one that taught you most about life...the one that was half of the beginning of generations. You just do.....what I want for myself is to work harder to be like the example she set for us....the Proverbs 31 woman.....just like Brian preached in her service today......

My grandmother has been my role model since ...well, since forever. I always wanted to be just like her. I wanted to cook huge meals and make delicious cakes (neither of which I do, by the way)....I wanted to go to fancy parties and serve on all kind of committees just like she did (don’t do much of that either)....I wanted lady friends who loved me fiercely (I have a couple)....and I wanted a husband that worshipped the ground I walked on (I did pretty good there). I wanted lots of clothes and shoes just like her (don’t think I have all that, but Stevie might disagree 😜).....I wanted lots of little people to love me...and I wanted to make them pancakes and let them eat a whole bowl of cake batter- just like her.....I wanted to sit at the table and read my Bible or study my lesson- just like her....there are so many things I could say that made me want to be just like her. There are sooo many reasons and sooo many memories. There was never a time she wasn’t a part of my life. I lived across the street from her almost my entire 40 plus years of life. She was a part of every ‘big’ event in my life and most small ones too.

However, the thing that keeps running over and over most in my mind is how she was there for me at two of the most trying times in my life- first when my daddy was hospitalized after a near fatal wreck that almost cost him his life- my sister and I ‘lived’ with her while my mom lived in the hospital with my daddy....and second- how she was there for me with Zeta.....she loved that baby with all of her might. Zeta was a pretty intimidating kid....I mean with all the monitors and machines and beeps and stuff....but....let me tell you, my Grandmoma came to my house on a daily basis when we weren’t in the hospital. She held Zeta....she talked to her...she wasn’t scared of her at all. My 80 ‘something’ year old grandmother was one of the greatest reasons I could hold strong each day....she rode with us to most every doctor and therapy appointment before we got a nurse and she even had the regrettable experience of going to the emergency room with us once.....it was after that I decided I would do all I could to make sure she never had to go to the er with us again.....long story short, I walked around a corner while we were waiting to be admitted to the hospital and I caught my sweet Grandmoma crying....eyes closed and face toward heaven ......begging for mercy for my child......it absolutely broke her to see my baby like that......Grandmoma would bring us a meal or some type of food almost every night. She would call a few times a day and sit with us for hours on end. She was my reminder not only that someone else loved my baby as fiercely as I did, but also that I had someone who loved ME ...AND my whole family like almost no one else but Jesus could.

I’m not the only person in my huge family that can tell you stories about how special our Grandmoma was...or about all the things she did....that’s what made her seem like a super hero. She could be every where, save everybody, love everybody, and still cook a 4 course meal and keep her house spotless by the end of the day.

I can only imagine the things she experienced throughout her life...I mean with all the children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren she had to worry about....thing is, there was never a sense of uneasiness around her...and you never felt a sense of disapproval...it’s weird, but the love she had just wanted to make you a better person...she didn’t have a need to share disapproval because you just had this innate desire to do what was right when you were around her...it’s the closest real life image of how I picture being in the presence of God....and let me tell you, if being in the presence of my grandmother is even a trillionth of a percent of what it’s like to be in Heaven then I want to go now!

There’s no doubt where Grandmoma is now- seeing so many people she’s missed. I can guarantee Pop and Uncle Robbie were the two she was most excited to see. After Uncle Robbie died she would often say to me, “you know what it’s like...there’s nothing like losing a child.” I would always reply,”No, Grandmoma, I don’t. You had him 70plus years. I had Zeta for 3.” I truly can’t imagine what that did to her heart and soul. What I do know is that he knew he had a moma who loved him, regardless of any shortcomings....just like I know my moma and Uncle Baynard know they had a moma who would (and somehow probably did) walk water for them.....just like I had a Grandmoma who loved me and made me feel like the most important person in the world....but somehow also made everyone else around her feel just like that too! Gosh, I miss her! ❤️