Life------------Death------------Anger----------------Grief

I wrote this early this morning - but my day has progressively been better:)

I wasn't quite sure what to entitle this one.

Sometimes I feel like I'm so dramatic when I finally get to the point where I NEED to write about my feelings.
The past few weeks I could sense that strong feeling of grief creeping in. Instead of stopping and feeling it I've just tried to put more and more into my schedule. I guess I was subconsciously hoping that I could keep myself busy enough that I wouldn't have to deal with it. I wouldn't have time for it.

Christmas is my favorite time of the year - I can't let grief ruin it!

The thing is, I know well that a lot of things in life do not operate on MY time schedule. Grief certainly doesn't wait until I have time to deal with it. If it were up to me (like most people) I just wouldn't deal with it at all.

I've had those days here and there where I had the overwhelming desire to just cry - I mean cry over anything......Someone says something that hurts my feelings - I want to cry.....Can't find my keys in the morning - I want to cry.....broke my fingernail - I want to cry.....the sun comes up - I want to cry...........Get the picture?

But I didn't have time for crying so I would let a few tears fall, suck it up, and be on my merry way.....

Thing is, I suppose I haven't been all that merry.

Looking at things in reverse I see that I think I've even kind of avoided my parents (who happen to live less than a mile down the road) because I knew they would be able to tell something was wrong and question me about it and I would get irritated then they would get offended....do you see how this works - I start avoid some people because I just don't want to deal with it. I don't want to FEEL it. I don't want to admit that I'm weak to other people.....simply because I don't want them to be upset........and I don't want make anyone worry....I want to be able to FIX things...... not tear them down.

Only, I thought I was supposed to have learned that I can't always fix things. Just because something isn't all hunky dory and perfect and everything doesn't even mean that it needs fixing.....sometimes things, or rather -people, are broken and they don't need 'fixing' they just need to heal.....and healing takes time, and awareness......and it takes your very own willingness to accept the pain.

Pretending like the pain doesn't exist or pushing it back to deal with later only makes it manifest. It's like if you had a very bad cut and needed stitches - but you choose not to go to the doctor. Chances are it costs you more trouble than it's worth. You deal with days of it continually bleeding and infection setting in and protecting it so nothing touches it until one day you just can't stand it anymore and then you go to the doctor and end up needing a shot and antibiotics and amputative surgery-ha! Granted, I know this example is extreme, but do you get the analogy? Instead of dealing with it, we sometimes try to cover our pain and protect it by keeping others away , but it ends up coming out anyway - and sometimes it's just not as pretty as if we would have dealt with it in the beginning.

I work with high-school students. I've had quite a few ask me lately, Are you ok - you seem sad. - or What's wrong with you today - we seem to be getting on your nerves and we don't usually get on your nerves. Keep in mind, I think I've been containing my feelings very well. I'm not bursting into tears in public yet and I'm not throwing erasers across the room or eating teenagers for breakfast - I'm simply trying my very best to act like things are normal. This has worked ok for the most part- I manage to fool some people - heck I can even fool myself a good bit, but the pain remains....and when a 17 year old girl can call your poker face and know there's pain then you're in trouble.

What makes this grief so frustrating is that now I'm experiencing some of the anger - perhaps another reason I'm trying so hard to contain it. I don't consider myself an angry person.....so the overwhelming feeling of sadness, madness, and confusion scare me. I can't even verbalize exactly what it is or how it feels - I just know that I don't like it.

We got our pictures that we recently did for the church directory today. When I saw our family picture I simultaneously thought, "I love it - I hate it". I loved it because it was another picture of our family - including Zeta. I hated it because Zeta isn't really here and it's so unfair that she's not. I try so hard not to question His plan and to be accepting.

I give great lip-service about how it is ok to feel angry and it's ok to question things - but to just know that in the end His plan is ultimate.............but I HATE to question things. ...... I HATE to feel angry......I know it's normal. I know it's a part of healing. I know it's becuase I'm human, but I HATE IT!! I hate it. I hate it.

I hate being a part the 'parent who lost a child club'. No one would ever buy a membership to be a part of this. I hate feeling helpless. I hate feeling lost. I hate the way people don't know exactly how to respond sometimes when I talk about Zeta. I hate how talking about death makes us act all funny........I hate death!

No, I guess that last statement really isn't true.

Without death we wouldn't ever experience eternal life.

Death,itself, isn't horrible - except for those of us left behind.

Had Zeta not experienced death she would have continued to experience pain. That is not what I would have wanted for her.
Death is dark, death is scary, death is hard. We make it that way because we've never actually talked to a human person that died and came back to tell us about it. We make it that way because sometimes we are insecure in what we know - or rather, some people just haven't accepted that there is a peaceful eternity in heaven after death. I think that maybe sometimes unless you fully accept and believe that then it is difficult to get past the anger.

I've just spent the beginning part of this typing like a mad person - literally and figuratively - until I got to that last paragraph....It was my epiphany. Like turning on the light and saying - yes I'm mad, yes i'm hurting - but it won't be like this forever. Zeta is in heaven. I believe my God and and I have faith and I know that one day I will spend eternity with Him and I will see my baby again. So for right now, I am letting the tears flow - my broken heart is still healing.......for right now, I've let go of some of the anger and I'm just going to embrace the pain and take time to heal. For right now, I'm not going to run from it - I'll just let it be.

Here's an appropriate devotion my aunt marked and sent to me - I received it last night and just read it this morning -
"Keep your are eyes on me! I am with you, taking care of you in the best possible way. When you are suffering. My care may seem imperfect and inadequate. You seek relief, and I make you wait. Just remember: There are many different ways to wait, and some are much better than others. Beneficial waiting involves looking to Me continually - trusting and loving Me.
Thank Me for this time of neediness, when you must depend on Me more than usual. Do not waste this opportunity by wishing it away. Trust that I know what I am doing- that I can bring good out of everything you encounter ,everything you endure. Don't let your past or present suffering contaminate your view of the future. I am the Lord of your future, and I have good things in store for you. I alone know the things I am planning for you - to give you a future and a hope."

I read it for the first time this morning and I knew in my mind I believed it, but I just didn't feel it in my heart - I guess I was still too busy feeling the anger in my heart. Just now, I've read it several times over and continue to be comforted. I know these things and right now I feel them too <3

Trusting God's Plans

In my spiritual journey I have learned a few things. I've learned that it's ok to not always understand. I've learned that it's ok to accept a lot of things beyond my control. I've learned that it's ok to have questions and I've learned that although there are some things I accept that doesn't mean that I will ever understand them.

For instance, why do crappy parents get kids? As the parent of a special needs child you may often hear, "God only gives special children to special parents." Very early on another special needs parent informed me that statement definitely wasn't true....that crappy parents often had special needs kids.......if you look around you see plenty of perfectly healthy kids with crappy parents too.....do I understand it? no. .....but I guess I have to accept it..... I don't know why a lot of things happen the way they do......It would be very easy to assume it is all hopeless.....

This is what our preacher has been talking about. .....having confidence in God....>>> there was a time in my life when I didn't fully understand that. I thought that having confidence in God was believing that he could make anything happen - while that IS true it is not at all how I perceived it. I perceived that people were teaching that if you asked faithfully enough for anything that God would grant your prayers - well, if it was something good, that is. Like, if you believed enough and prayed enough and knew God enough and prayed for someone to be well then it would happen - or if you prayed hard enough for someone else to accept Christ it would happen. After all, "where two or more are gathered in His name...." right? .....and these are both good things to ask for - things that it seems like God should want.......Thing is, that is often take out of context and what we need to understand is that having confidence in God is actually being sure of how He has every aspect of our lives already planned.....of how he gives us opportunities and gives us the choice to handle situations and decide whether we do these things WITH Him as our guide or if we try to do them on our own.

He can (and certainly has) provide divine healing - but still the part we miss is that there is more to it than that. Adam and Eve exerted their free will and committed the first sin. Since then we, as humans, are continually exercising our practice in free will and sin and understanding that God is God and He alone is perfect. He alone knows all the answers. If our earthly life were perfect would we desire eternal life? Would there be a need for God? We would have all the answers, we would have all the power, we would know all the right things to do - right? I don't believe so - you see - already God gives us one simple choice - accept the choice of salvation and have peace and know eternal life OR refuse the gift, turn our backs on Him and try to do the best we can.....and look at how hard we make that sometimes......

It's easy for us to say we accept Christ and that we're saved, but then we have all the 'buts' and 'what-ifs' and 'why me's' and 'this sure isn't the way I would do it'. We accept the gift of salvation and we know that our sins are forgiven, we know that God's way and His plan are perfect - when it matches what we envision is perfect.....

What we forget is that His plan is still perfect, even if it isn't easy - in fact, historically a Christian life on earth has never been a necessarily easy life - we forget that He knows every single detail of why things are the way they are and how they will impact every external factor. We lose our focus.....we lose confidence......because His plan doesn't match ours....

Our preacher used the example of a little boy, Hayden, in his evening message. he talked of Hayden and his family and the struggles the endure each day in his journey with epilepsy. He talked of Hayden's brother and his faithful prayers. He talked of Hayden's smile, despite the struggles. Hayden's story touched close to home.......my heart wept for Hayden and his family. I cried my own tears for our own struggles and the struggles Hayden and his family continue to bear. Right now I don't ask why because I understand it is a small part of God's larger plan.....but I still grieve for my own loss and I hurt for Hayden's family.....I grieve for them for the things they endure that other families probably couldn't ever imagine.....I grieve for them the things that they will never again take for granted - the things that others unknowingly do. I grieve for my loss. I grieve for my boys - the loss of their little sister and all that they've resiliently endured. I grieve for Stevie and the tremendous pressure of being the 'man of the family' with the responsibilty to provide for his family while trying to have to remain strong, while his wife openly weeps at drop of a hat - he lost his baby girl too - shouldn't he have the right to lose it any time he pleases too?.

No, there is a lot I don't understand. I've often said , that as a mother, Zeta would have been born healthy.......I would have never planned for her life to be the way that it was.......but when I stop and really think about it I know it was perfectly planned and that every step of her journey was not in vain......I know first-hand the good that has come of her short life. I've had the opportunity to experience life as I never have before......I know that she is healed and wearing that huge smile in heaven with her own little crown......I know that I will one day join her.

I know these things because I've accepted salvation.....I know these things because they are promised. .......I'm not standing on idol worship.....I'm not standing as a desperate mother grasping at anything to make the senseless make sense......I am standing as a grieving mom who is able to rejoice because I know that God is real....I know that Heaven is real......I stand on the promises of God, because I've already experienced too many things that are not coincidental...things that can only be explained by God.....I pay attention to the small things because the miracles are there - you just have to see them.........God is there - you just have to be CONFIDENT!

making it through the firsts

A while back I had the chance to sit down and really talk with another mom who had lost a child. One thing she pointed out was all of the "firsts' you would experience as a parent grieving a child. I guess I did not realize how poignant all of these firsts would be.....perhaps it's the fact that I've experienced so many of these firsts at one time lately......

Last week Trina and I (as part of Team Zeta) had the opportunity to visit a couple of families in the hospital.....This is one of the same hospitals Zeta was in.....we waited in the OR waiting room of which Zeta had her very first surgery....we visited another family in a unit in which it had been almost exactly three years to the day (only one day shy to be exact)that was the last time we were in that unit. During that particular stay Zeta was VERY, VERY ill and we actually ended up transferring to another hospital. There were a couple of the people on staff there that we left on not so happy terms with and I know the feeling was mutual - while at the same time we reluctantly left so many, many of the others. It was a superbly frightening time in our lives......the worry of the already month long traumatic stay......the worry that we were making the right decisions......the worry of what would happen if we ever had to come back to this unit......just a whole lot of emotion that I can't put into writing.....

Well, I was able to sit in the OR waiting room. It didn't bother me at all - in fact, I was honored to be there for another family in a way that others' had supported us. I actually saw one of our favorite surgeons and he took the time to talk with me at length. He even asked about the rest of my family and remembered such small details.....this is just one of the reasons he was one of our favorites. He didn't see Zeta as just a number on his caseload. He understood that she was our baby and we were her family and I don't think he ever took that for granted.

I went back to the NICU and visited with some of our friends and that was great too! We surely owe a lot to them <3

Going back to a different unit in the hospital was a little more difficult. It didn't dawn on me at the time that it would be difficult. We walked right in and I marched myself up to the desk - just to find one of the last nurses that worked during our last days there. I doubt she even knows (although she says she remembered me), but it was actually the next to last day we spent there. Zeta had been sedated for nearly 3 weeks and we were at a standstill with the doctors. I was just over it. Zeta started coughing and needed suctioning so I started to do it, and the nurse gently took it away from me......she was doing her job. I took it as another attack on my parenting skills or perhaps someone else just NOT listening to me and I just really lost it. I basically ran from the room without saying a word and left Zeta, Stevie and the nurse for 2 hours.....without a word.....without any utterance.....I ran away.....I prayed....a lot .....during those 2 hours.....in fact, I believe all that I did was pray. I prayed that God not take Zeta away....I prayed that we were making the right decisions. I prayed that people understand what we wanted, why we wanted it and what we were doing. I prayed that somehow everything could somehow be normal.....I poured out every emotion that had been kept in for so long.

When I faced the door to that unit last week all these emotions did not hit me immediately....As I walked through the doors I could feel the familiar dizziness associated with my panic attacks. I focused on the fact that I was very aware of where I was, but I also forced myself to realize that I was there for a very different reason than I was the last time. My mission was to make it to see the family that I was there to meet and to be a positive part of their experience there. The family accepted us with open arms and I was happy to see their little one awake and aware. They were full of praises for their medical team, for which I was grateful.....it also goes to show that different people have different experiences and there are so many variables that have a part in our experiences.....so in a place in which my life was very dark and uncertain - another family was experiencing joy and relief.....I've been on the other side of that too......In various units or with certain doctors our family experienced relief and joy while others were hurting or distressed or scared or felt like they weren't being heard........I think that's why it's medical 'practice' and not medical perfection......there is no way to know all about how to treat every patient and the people working there are human and have bad days or off days just like everyone else.........Why or how God so intricately orchestrated the two days I was there 3 years apart - I have no clue.....all I can say is that I have no doubt it"s part of His plan....I don't believe that anything happens by chance......

Another first I've experienced this week is going to the funeral home in which I last saw Zeta's body.....I can't say that it was traumatic when I left the first time. I walked to the casket and looked at her and realized it wasn't her, but just her body. When I felt the emotion come I simply walked away.....I didn't linger on the fact that there her body remained. I couldn't. Stevie asked me the other night to go with him to the funeral home because an elderly lady he knew when he was young had died. I agreed without reservation....actually I didn't give ANY thought to it....until we had actually parked and he turned the ignition off when we arrived. I just sat and stared at the door. Really? You want me to go in there? Really? I didn't say those things, I just thought them as I sat frozen in my seat for what seemed like an eternity - which was actually mere seconds I'm sure. I convinced myself that it would be fine and we walked in the funeral home.....I got in the door....no problem. I walked into the parlor....we talked to some old friends....no problem. I turned and faced the front and saw the casket - though much larger than the casket I saw when I was last there. I walked toward the front.....uh-oh this was way too familiar....I looked and saw the elderly lady's body there, lifeless......uh-oh, this was way too much and way too familiar......I had the need to get away.....I wasn't crying, I didn't cry......I just had to get out.....I couldn't face it.......so I walked away, without a word, without stopping, without noticing anything else.... I realize that part of me is still running......I don't visit the cemetery very often....I quickly realized that part of it is a way that I cope....plus I know that my baby is not there. She is in Heaven and that small plot of dirt just covers a shell.

The final first I've experienced this week is talking openly about my experiences with a group of other moms. It feels like I've talked openly about our experiences hundreds of times. I write about our experiences. I talk about them individually with other people. I've talked about them with a group of special needs families.....I've even talked about them with groups of my high school students......but Wednesday I talked about it with a group of moms. It seemed a lot more difficult to do it with that group than any other time I've talked about it.......Trina pointed out that maybe it was because they were moms and they related....All during my talk I fought back tears and emotion....I felt bad because when I looked out I saw that I was making most of the moms cry too - which was far from the message I was trying to convey.....you see I believe our story is a message of hope -I just couldn't figure out why it was so bad.....I had not dealt with this much emotion in telling my story before (well except when I was trying to tell it to my preacher's wife and a women's ministry leader which still leaves me a little perplexed).....perhaps because of all the 'firsts' I had experienced prior to speaking to this group of moms.....I think maybe why I felt so much raw emotion is because I spoke to that group AS A MOM, a grieving mom who is still trying to figure out what is normal.....a grieving mom who realizes how very important the little things are and tries to never take for granted all the little things with her boys.....JUST A MOM - not a special needs mom - not a mom who watched her baby fight 3 years and was told basically from conception that something would be different with her baby.....JUST A MOM.......and what makes that different is that as a mom you want what's best for your child, but sometimes you get confused in thinking you actually know what is best and God doesn't........as a mom, you want more than anything for your child to remain with you. As a mom, you assume you will outlive your children.....as a mom, you never want to sit by your child's hospital bed -you'd rather sit by her bed at home and help her say her prayers. As a mom, you can feel cheated if your child isn't perfect....you feel guilt for not doing all the right things.....you feel worry in making sure you've made the right choices......you wonder how you can fix things....you spend your life planning your children's future.....as just a mom.

There are days when the emotion pours out. There are times when I wonder if I will ever function as a normal person again.....what I realize is that most everyone experiences some of these emotions at some time. Life is not fair. God never said it would be. If life were perfect and fair we would have no need for God - I assume we would be God......We have to have faith....we have to push others in their faith....we all have a desire for something better in life....Eternity is just that.....God takes care of you when you trust Him.....and no matter how lost or hurt I feel I know that God is there. I can be confident in the blessings I see around me and the miracles I've witnessed. I know that my God is greater than any doubt, any fear or any obstacle I will ever face. I know that my God is the one true God. I know these things because my heart has been opened. I've accepted salvation. Does that make me perfect - no, I fail everyday.....sometimes, miserably. Does that make life wonderful all the time - well, if you've read this far then you know the answer to that is obviously no......Accepting salvation makes life worth living....it makes SOME things make better sense and helps you accept the things that don't seem to make any sense at all. It makes you thirst for knowledge and try to find a way to bless others and make them know His presence. It's not something you have to earn. All you have to say is, "Yes, Lord I believe in you, I am a sinner - I know I'm not perfect, Please come into my heart. I want to be with you in Heaven for eternity."

As a side note, we experienced another first Wednesday night - our first family portraits without Zeta...I would not have done them had it not been that our church is doing a new directory.....but we were able to actually have Zeta in one last family picture and no one questioned it at all....can't wait to show them!

People continue to amaze me. The cleaning fairy does exist, and even the most seemingly self-confident teenagers do have feelings.

Let me explain. We often have people willing to help with Team Zeta projects. Just Saturday, I had a lady tell me that we “must” ask her husband ANYTIME we do an event because his business would like to be a sponsor. I explained that we try not to ask the same people over and over simply because we know it’s hard to continually give money to organizations. She said that they wanted to be a part of sponsoring as often as they could. She also asked to volunteer with any event that we do. We have a lot of people volunteer for different things that we do. I think it’s because people want to be a part of something good. People thirst to be a part of the blessings they’ve witnessed being done in our lives. People hunger to be a part of the greater good. The feeling you get while being a blessing to others is better than most any gift you could receive.

The laundry fairy has been to my house almost daily this week – only we were almost too busy to recognize it. I noticed that some of our clothes had been folded and put on the dining room table. I assumed Stevie had done it -but thought it was a little weird – and I didn’t really think that he had time to do it when I would not have seen him. He assumed the same thing of me. This went on for a couple of days. One of us would put the clothes up and then more clothes would appear the next day. Finally, Steven noticed a bag of goodies and some things from my mom on the table with the clothes. He figured out that it was she who was washing our clothes. My dad would stop by the house after we left for school and gather our dirty clothes, then my mom would wash them and they would bring them back. Sad that it took us so long to catch on, but regardless it was definitely a huge blessing!

Finally, I look at the kids I work with at school and I don’t envy them one bit. I remember high-school and those inadequate feelings. I would consider myself to be a part of the ‘in’ crowd when I was in school – I was in sports and had friends, but even then there were so many times I felt like I wasn’t quite sure where I belonged. There are so many kids that feel this way. I just wish I could let them peek into the future or magically make them know all the things that I know so that they understand that it’s ok to love yourself and it’s ok to step up and be a leader. I wish I could take the uneasiness, and hurt, and self-consciousness away.

Finally, I made a call asking an old co-worker about renting a piece of equipment for use for an upcoming event that I’m involved in working with. He agreed to let us use it – free of charge. I’m continually amazed by the kindness and generosity of so many people. It often makes me stop and wonder……hmmm, I don’t think I’ve done anything like that for him/her – why are they being so nice to me? For instance, Team Zeta just got a donation in the mail from a couple that apologized for not being able to come to TZ Day in the Country yet they still wanted to make a donation to our cause. I mean, really – to put that much thought into wanting to help out?! I constantly stand in awe of the blessings and miracles that surround me each day. I wake up each morning hoping to pay forward each and every blessing that has touched my heart.

I CAN

So it finally happened. I knew it would. I’m surprised it hasn’t happened before now.

I had a little minor (ok a great big uncontrollable) crying jag in front of a class.
I went to bed the night before in an unhappy state of mind. I woke up that morning saying, I don’t want to go to school. I just want to stay in bed and feel sorry for myself today. The whole time I was getting ready I kept saying, I can’t do this. I don’t want to do this. I really don’t want to deal with life today. I just can’t!
I despise the words ‘I can’t’.

They are just two little words with a heck of a lot of impact. Two little words that quickly brain wash you into believing they are true.

Anyway, I got to school in not the happiest of moods. When my first class of the day came in at 9:15 I did not bother to get up from behind my desk nor hardly look up from the work I was doing on the computer. One of my students joked that he didn’t have his homework. I just looked at him with a lifeless expression………………..these are not my common habits – I just didn’t want to deal with it. We proceeded with our lesson. As I was writing on the board I attempted to take half away from 4……………I tried 3 times without success and finally became so frustrated that I felt the tears coming….. Why in the world could I not do this very elementary math?

Simply, because I told myself all morning – I CAN’T…….

So, it came true. I couldn’t do much of anything.

I apologized to my students and then one of them asked what was wrong. Well, the floodgates opened. I mumbled something to the kids and quickly ran straight to the office to get someone to take care of my class while I composed myself.

Every time I thought I was done the sobs would come, uncontrollably, again.

After about 5 minutes I was able to compose myself and went back to class.

I was able to use a real-life moment as a lesson for my students. I constantly tell them that “I can’t” is not allowed in my classroom. I explained my dilemma to them and told them of how I had continually told myself that morning -“ I Can’t” -and that that was exactly what happened. I had not been able to do even a simple math computation.

Later that day I had 2 guidance classes. I used myself as the perfect example of “I can’t.”

I have no doubt that a large part of how we use our God-given abilities depends on the choice we make each morning to say, “Thank you, Lord, for this day” or “Lord, I can’t do this.” We have a choice each day, each hour, each minute to live life – to love life - and to give the best at EVERY SINGLE THING that we do.

I know I CAN make it through tomorrow because I made it through yesterday. I’ve made it through some of the most difficult things I could have ever imagined for my life.

I CAN DO IT. I WILL DO IT. I AM FOCUSED. I AM STRONG. I AM DETERMINED.

I CAN. I WILL. I AM.

Remembering

I'll forewarn you - I'm diagnosing myself again.

Yesterday morning I came across a travel size bottle of lotion that I got while staying at the Ronald McDonald House in Augusta. I opened the bottle and instantly started seeing flashbacks. I vividly remember seeing the bottle that morning and imagining that someone received it from a hotel on an exotic trip to France or somewhere similar. I opened it and lapped in the scent. It was like nothing I had ever smelled before. Exotic, soothing, calming, and very much intriguing. I put the lotion on. It made me feel as though I were somewhere other than a community house getting ready to go see my sick baby in the NICU.

I remember walking into the NICU that morning. I remember what I was wearing - down to my socks. I remember the bag I carried on my right shoulder and the fact that I had a binder and a water bottle in my hand. I remember the 3 nurses sitting at the check-in counter. They commented on my perfume (the lotion). I told them where I got it from and we had some nice superficial conversation. I remember washing my hands before going in the unit. I remember talking with Dr. Threadgill. These memories are like watching something on tv. They are just that clear in my mind.

What is strange is that I don't remember anything else about that day. I remember talking to Dr. Threadgill. In my memory I actually see us talking, but I have no clue what we are saying. I don't remember seeing Zeta, although I know that I saw her because we are standing right by her isolette......every single thing past that moment is gone.

Yesterday, when I put the lotion on I immediately got that same feeling as when I first wore it in Augusta. I imagined some sophisticated lady picked it up from her fancy hotel somewhere far away and brought it back to donate to RMH......then just as quickly that feeling changed to uneasiness.....then I started to think about everything I remembered that day........all that I could remember was good, so why is it that once I go into the nursery everything disappears???

There are so many things about our hospitalizations that I remember - both good and bad - some very, very bad.....Some that I wish I had not witnessed or experienced.......but why is it that I can't remember this particular day, especially after having such VIVID memories about that morning?

I liken it to some type of post-traumatic stress. I really and truly have no clue what was going on with Zeta that day. I don't know if it was a good day or a bad day. I don't know what Dr. Threadgill told me in our conversation. I just can't understand why everything else is so real and so fresh in my mind...... or how that lotion stirred this overwhelming emotion in me.

Once I put the lotion on, I quickly debated jumping back in the shower and washing it off. The feeling of 'not knowing' was that intense - but the good feelings I had overcame that. That's kind of how faith works. The feeling of not knowing is sometimes so intense and makes us want to give up or run away, but the peace and good feelings you can get from prayer and having faith triumph over any of that.

I spent the whole drive to school taking in the scent and just trying to remember the rest of that day to no avail.

Once I got to school, I couldn't sit still. I had some paperwork I had planned to do, but couldn't so I went out the back door and started sweeping. The aroma of the lotion swirled around me as the emotions swirled in and out of my mind. I tried to peek in to every crevice of every memory in my brain and still could not find out what happened the rest of that day.

Well, school issues took over and a student's issue took over anything that was in my mind. I forgot about the lotion or I guess I quit trying to remember.

Several people asked me how I was doing yesterday. A few told me I looked tired. At the moment I didn't realize that I felt any different. I assumed I was tired from some things I had worked on at school that morning..........but the more I think about it, the more I believe that part of it was being tired from trying so hard to remember what my mind obviously desperately wants to forget.

So, until my mind feels that it is ready to deal with whatever it experienced that day I will turn it over to my Savior. I know that He already knows and I know that He can heal my spirit just as He has healed my Heavenly Angel, Zeta.

Life goes on

I met a new friend the other day.

We had an instant connection. You know, one of those connections where you feel like you're peering into someone else's soul?

Only the tie that binds us is one that I sometimes wish no one ever had to experience. We've both been mothers of medically complex children, children with rare brain malformations at that - and we both lost our precious daughters.
Another friend recently told me - "It's not a fun club to be a part of."
That much is certainly true.

What I found in talking with my new friend though is all of the 'firsts' I'm experiencing since the loss of Zeta…….some of the things that may seem strange to you or that most people never have to think of she related to or had already experienced……..

For instance, when talking about how many children I have- I still don't quite know how to answer that question….I’ve had 3 children, but only 2 remain with me.
There are other things too - like I've walked around my house looking at all the awesome pictures Brannon, Rebecca, and Fran have taken of our family.....The next family picture we will take won't include our whole family. A piece of us is gone. I don't know how I will handle that.

Little things...........they seem insignificant in our everyday lives...........until your everyday life is turned upside down.

I even look at my facebook background and profile photos- First and last pictures of our whole family at the beach. I used to change my pictures frequently, but now.......now I don't know if I ever will.......

Just walking into our den - the room that became Zeta's room - is sometimes still hugely emotional.....our family, as a whole, still largely avoids the den.

One of the strange emotions we talked about was the whole medical lifestyle.....how when you lose your child you lose the beeps of the machines, the doctor's visits, the therapist visits, the constant researching for a new way to help your child.........all of those things present a loss too......strange as it may seem you crave all the craziness that robbed you from decent sleep and kept your mind in a constant whirlwind.........

Then there's the question of reaching out to other families - something I feel very called and compelled to do.....when telling my story I want them to hear the message of hope.....sometimes I worry that because Zeta's earthly life ended they will miss the whole point of what our experiences taught us. There is still much hope in Zeta's story. I don't ever lose sight of that.

.....still, as a mother, the pain often feels very new and very raw and yet so long ago all at the same time……and from the conversations I've had with other mothers who have lost their babies the pain grows and changes with us......but it never fades completely......
......still, it's not a hopeless pain.....not for me, anyway.

Truly, I miss Zeta's earthly presence……..but more than that I’ve learned that my most important focus is on God alone. Through that knowledge I have grown and learned so much. I have learned to pay attention to the small things. I have learned to seek the answers that are sometimes so plain to see, yet we get so caught up in the world that we don’t see it. I’ve learned that FAITH is a billion dollar word with an infinite amount of meaning. I know that Jesus lives, God loves, and people are far greater than they might always lead you to believe. I’ve learned that I’m stronger than I ever imagined and that everything does, in fact, serve a greater purpose. I’m learning how to live life without my little girl…..more than that I am learning the good that has come out of every battle she fought. Yes, I said good – you see if we are so busy focusing on the bad we lose sight of the good………but God never promised easy………..since the beginning we lost any promise of an earthly life that resembles heavenly life. It’s up to us to accept the promise of Salvation and continue to let others know how rewarding and hopeful a life saved by grace truly is…….

life again

Life.

I talk about it a lot.

I’ve also talked about my walk with anxiety. That strange relationship I have with her and how she can rear her ugly head any time she pleases.

I know I sound a little like Sybil (you know, the lady with multiple personalities).

I’ve found that it was a little easier to talk about anxiety when I felt there was kind of a reason for me to feel anxious. I put it all out there about the day I really broke down and all the feelings I had leading to that moment. I told you about how at one minute everything could seem perfectly fine and then the next minute it all seems to want to fall apart.

What I haven’t told you is how it creeps into my “normal” life too.

You see, when you’re the parent of a child with numerous medical needs people kind of expect you to lose it at some point or another. You wouldn’t believe how many comments I got about how people were so impressed that I kept it together for so long.

When you’re the parent that loses a child you’re still given the opportunity to lose it and break down without reason and without cause at any time…….

…but perhaps when the grieving ‘grace period’ is over you feel like you need to suck it up and move on…….

I mean everybody has problems, right?

I mean I could sit and grumble and moan and groan and fall in the floor and whine and continuously
shout “why me, why her, why our family Lord!?”

Only, that’s not proper – I should have been doing that the day of the funeral right?

Well, I do have those feelings sometimes – but it’s really strange how it all happens.

This has been a tough week for me. There is no particular reason. I love my job. I feel like I get to see my boys more. Everything is fine at home (except for the fact that I can’t keep up with the laundry and my house looks like a tornado hit it). Everything seems perfect. I am happy!

Only, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve got out of bed this week and had to force myself to be ok with being able to get out of bed. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wanted to stay in bed – or better yet, find the deepest, darkest hole to climb into. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve prayed to God to help get me through it once again and how many pep-talks I’ve given myself.

Now, at the moment when these feelings arrive I can’t pinpoint any specific feeling that is causing them. That’s the odd thing about anxiety…..the physical feelings come before the emotional ones – or maybe it’s the fact that we fight the emotions for so long that the only way the body can compensate is through the physical.

I get the sensation of my heart racing, I have these strange brain zaps – weird, I know, then I start feeling like I can’t breathe and I either feel like I’m going to faint, throw-up, or die -depending on the severity it takes on my body.

I know, I know, it all sounds like something that I should be able to control. It makes me sound like
a schizophrenic at worst and a hypochondriac at best.

Fact is, I know a little about anxiety and I know that I’m not going to literally die. I know that I’m letting the emotional take the form of the physical…..but yet I haven’t fully learned to master it. Sometimes it still comes in and threatens to overtake everything.

For example, I told you I’ve been battling these feelings all week. There has been no present reason I should be having anxiety. My job is great, my boys are great, my marriage is great. So, when the physical symptoms of anxiety have presented themselves I’ve tried to push it further and further into the back of my mind. I haven’t dealt with it at all

………..until last night…………..

Last night it consumed me. I didn’t try to cover it up, I didn’t try to pretend my body wasn’t telling
me something. I just let it happen. I cried….. a lot. I felt the loss of Zeta. I felt the inadequate feelings of the time I lost as a mother with my boys. I felt the inadequate feeling of having to learn new things in a new place in a new job. I felt those feelings. I thought about similar feelings and experiences I’ve had at other times in my life. I just…..felt. I let it happen and I let it be.

When you deal with anxiety that is the best thing to do. That’s why people pay big bucks for therapy. You seek the catharsis of actually feeling your feelings – no matter how scary. “Feeling” anything is what we continually run away from, but I wonder if it is the only way God can really help us.

We can pray for God to take the physical pain and feelings of the anxiety away, but until we realize where it comes from we can’t talk with Him about it and we can’t deal with it. If we’re continually trying to hide from ourselves then we’re also hiding from God. God knows and sees everything, but we are instructed to be open and not hide. I think that’s part of the free will God gives us.

Now, I’m sure this whole post will have some people walking on egg shells around me and wondering if I’m really alright…….and right now, I really am……That’s another strange thing about anxiety – sometimes you really are perfectly ok and you feel ok and everything is in harmony. It’s just those moments you seem to get blind-sided by the physical part that are so crazy!

Everybody has a story, everybody experiences pain. I think most people try to create the façade that everything is ok and that’s perfectly fine – as a matter of fact I think that at most times we should try to see the best in everything and make interactions with others positive…….but – BUT if you are hurting, if you are dealing with pain, if you feel inadequate, if you struggle and think no one understands your pain. Talk to someone. Talk to God. Talk to your pastor. Talk to a trusted friend. Find a way to deal with those feelings. Find a counselor or therapist – they are basically like a paid friend that has to keep your feelings in confidence. No matter what you do – DEAL with the feelings. PRAY about it! Regardless of how insignificant you think your pain may be – it is still YOUR pain and someone can relate and God can heal!

life again

Life.

I talk about it a lot.

I’ve also talked about my walk with anxiety. That strange relationship I have with her and how she can rear her ugly head any time she pleases.

I know I sound a little like Sybil (you know, the lady with multiple personalities).

I’ve found that it was a little easier to talk about anxiety when I felt there was kind of a reason for me to feel anxious. I put it all out there about the day I really broke down and all the feelings I had leading to that moment. I told you about how at one minute everything could seem perfectly fine and then the next minute it all seems to want to fall apart.

What I haven’t told you is how it creeps into my “normal” life too.

You see, when you’re the parent of a child with numerous medical needs people kind of expect you to lose it at some point or another. You wouldn’t believe how many comments I got about how people were so impressed that I kept it together for so long.

When you’re the parent that loses a child you’re still given the opportunity to lose it and break down without reason and without cause at any time…….

…but perhaps when the grieving ‘grace period’ is over you feel like you need to suck it up and move on…….

I mean everybody has problems, right?

I mean I could sit and grumble and moan and groan and fall in the floor and whine and continuously
shout “why me, why her, why our family Lord!?”

Only, that’s not proper – I should have been doing that the day of the funeral right?

Well, I do have those feelings sometimes – but it’s really strange how it all happens.

This has been a tough week for me. There is no particular reason. I love my job. I feel like I get to see my boys more. Everything is fine at home (except for the fact that I can’t keep up with the laundry and my house looks like a tornado hit it). Everything seems perfect. I am happy!

Only, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve got out of bed this week and had to force myself to be ok with being able to get out of bed. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wanted to stay in bed – or better yet, find the deepest, darkest hole to climb into. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve prayed to God to help get me through it once again and how many pep-talks I’ve given myself.

Now, at the moment when these feelings arrive I can’t pinpoint any specific feeling that is causing them. That’s the odd thing about anxiety…..the physical feelings come before the emotional ones – or maybe it’s the fact that we fight the emotions for so long that the only way the body can compensate is through the physical.

I get the sensation of my heart racing, I have these strange brain zaps – weird, I know, then I start feeling like I can’t breathe and I either feel like I’m going to faint, throw-up, or die -depending on the severity it takes on my body.

I know, I know, it all sounds like something that I should be able to control. It makes me sound like
a schizophrenic at worst and a hypochondriac at best.

Fact is, I know a little about anxiety and I know that I’m not going to literally die. I know that I’m letting the emotional take the form of the physical…..but yet I haven’t fully learned to master it. Sometimes it still comes in and threatens to overtake everything.

For example, I told you I’ve been battling these feelings all week. There has been no present reason I should be having anxiety. My job is great, my boys are great, my marriage is great. So, when the physical symptoms of anxiety have presented themselves I’ve tried to push it further and further into the back of my mind. I haven’t dealt with it at all

………..until last night…………..

Last night it consumed me. I didn’t try to cover it up, I didn’t try to pretend my body wasn’t telling
me something. I just let it happen. I cried….. a lot. I felt the loss of Zeta. I felt the inadequate feelings of the time I lost as a mother with my boys. I felt the inadequate feeling of having to learn new things in a new place in a new job. I felt those feelings. I thought about similar feelings and experiences I’ve had at other times in my life. I just…..felt. I let it happen and I let it be.

When you deal with anxiety that is the best thing to do. That’s why people pay big bucks for therapy. You seek the catharsis of actually feeling your feelings – no matter how scary. “Feeling” anything is what we continually run away from, but I wonder if it is the only way God can really help us.

We can pray for God to take the physical pain and feelings of the anxiety away, but until we realize where it comes from we can’t talk with Him about it and we can’t deal with it. If we’re continually trying to hide from ourselves then we’re also hiding from God. God knows and sees everything, but we are instructed to be open and not hide. I think that’s part of the free will God gives us.

Now, I’m sure this whole post will have some people walking on egg shells around me and wondering if I’m really alright…….and right now, I really am……That’s another strange thing about anxiety – sometimes you really are perfectly ok and you feel ok and everything is in harmony. It’s just those moments you seem to get blind-sided by the physical part that are so crazy!

Everybody has a story, everybody experiences pain. I think most people try to create the façade that everything is ok and that’s perfectly fine – as a matter of fact I think that at most times we should try to see the best in everything and make interactions with others positive…….but – BUT if you are hurting, if you are dealing with pain, if you feel inadequate, if you struggle and think no one understands your pain. Talk to someone. Talk to God. Talk to your pastor. Talk to a trusted friend. Find a way to deal with those feelings. Find a counselor or therapist – they are basically like a paid friend that has to keep your feelings in confidence. No matter what you do – DEAL with the feelings. PRAY about it! Regardless of how insignificant you think your pain may be – it is still YOUR pain and someone can relate and God can heal!

Where's the passion?

Ever wonder how it seems some people have life all figured out?

I mean some people, despite any situation they are in, seem to have it all under control.

Some people have a passion in them that exceeds my human understanding.

I have two theories on this:
1) Some people think they know everything and just don't care what anyone else thinks (I think this is one of the highest forms of insecurity, by the way)

2) Some people believe that no one else has really figured out the secret to life and they just jump right in and play along. They're confident enough to believe that it doesn't really matter what "people" think because nothing on earth can be worse than hell.

I would like to pretend that I am in the second group of people here. Sometimes I can pretend really well......to the point that I even make myself believe that I'm confident and capable of anything.

Fact is, I do nothing on my own. I am saved by Jesus Christ and any confidence I can muster comes from Him. Fact is, NOTHING here on earth IS as bad as HELL------------ So, why is it that we can't always be open, honest and sincere?

Why is it that when compared to others we find ourselves feeling insecure?
Why does it seem that someone else always has the better car, the better house, the better kids? Why does it seem like someone else always has more friends, tells better jokes, speaks more eloquently.....or is just plain BETTER?

This is a struggle when we let material things take control of our hearts and minds. It's a struggle when we take our focus off of God.

When we start comparing ourselves to others we lose sight in the fact that we were ALL created in His image. We were created to serve Him and love one another. We were created to spread the love and joy and the message of hope and redemption. We were created to be confident and capable.....while at the same time remaining humble.

Only......... sin prevents us from our purpose. Simply being human keeps us from our purpose.

Want to know the secret to life? Look in the Bible. Listen to God. Stop and actually remember and count EVERY single blessing in your life. Did you wake up this morning? Blessing number 1. Don't believe that's a blessing? Well, it's one more day you have to see your spouse, your child, the beach-----whatever it is that motivates you. Are you able to walk, talk, eat and breathe? If you stop and look at all the suffering in our world you'll see how fortunate you really are......try having a child with numerous medical needs and you will quickly understand how many things we take for granted and how much of a blessing it is that every part of the human body is perfectly formed to do the things we need it to do in order to just open our eyes in the morning.

I wish I could say that I know, understand, and live the secret of life. I think I have SOME clue simply because I know that when my focus is truly on Him I am able to face the most unimaginable circumstances. Sadly, through everything I've learned I still fumble and try to rely on my own resources.

Where's our passion?

I want to be one of those people that people look at and say, "Wow, she really does have it figured out. She has peace, understanding, compassion, love..........."

Thing is, I think there is a fine line in wanting to be that person and then becoming prideful in being that person.....then you lose it all again.........

Not making much sense? or am I?

I want to figure out how to ignite passion in others. I want to figure out how to make everyone see their own potential. I want us all to "figure out life."

What I'm saying here is kind of like "once I was blind, but now I see." So many times, I've tried to rely on my own understanding. During those times, I am scared, nervous and insecure. When I give it to God, I only see my purpose. The purpose to love and serve and tell everyone else about the peace of understanding......about the confidence, capability and peace that comes with having pure faith.

I feel best when I can shed the mask of insecurity. I've learned over the past few years that I feel better after exposing my own vulnerabilities. I can tell you that it takes a heck of a lot of practice and sometimes a lot of self-persuasion, but in the end once I let go of the vulnerabilities and actually get my feelings out there I feel cleansed. There is something very liberating, while at the same time very frightening, about vulnerability.

Being vulnerable is letting the world see the purest form of our souls. When we put down the masks and put down our guards we let others peer through the windows of our souls. It is a scary feeling---------until that 'one' person relates. Until, you understand that there are so many people out there looking to feel validated......people looking for purpose and trying to find hope..... just like you....just like me..... When we tear down the walls we are open to so many opportunities. When we are vulnerable we find confidence in just BEING....we find confidence in what we were CREATED to do.

Is it an easy thing? By no means........

Is it worth it? All the time!

Do we always do it? No, I do believe it is one of the most difficult things to do........but oh how wonderful it would be if we could all always love and serve and share in truth. What if we all knew how to stir the passions that lie within us? What if we all understood and followed the secret to life?

Chapter 4

I’ve often referred to Zeta’s life as a book. I’ve even mentioned that sometimes I would have liked to re-write a few chapters. Over time, I’ve become more at peace about the fact that this is God’s perfect plan and many parts of it make sense -but the human part of me still fails to understand or accept it all………. Since Zeta was 3 at the time she went to be with Jesus I now refer to this phase in our lives as Chapter 4 – Life after Zeta.

Let me tell you a little about how God works.

This summer, just a couple of weeks before school started, I got a call from my old boss, Robbie. He asked if I might be interested in coming to work with him teaching a 4-year old class, if the job became available. I wasn’t looking for a job. I had actually just prayed to God and told Him that if I should be working that the job would literally have to fall in my lap. In my mind, I still needed time to sort out exactly what it was that I should be doing. I figured I would take another year off from work. In the meantime, I would try to figure out exactly what I should be doing….. work to get the Team Zeta name and our mission out there…… work on a book and work on any education or skills I might need to obtain my future job – whatever it would end up being.

Those were my plans.

Well, we know how our own plans sometimes fall.

After talking with Robbie, the job actually did become available. Part of me assumed that maybe this was THE JOB that was falling into my lap. I mean it was a wonderful opportunity. I would get to work with my old boss again. I would be in a small public school with a small class. It seemed pretty good. To tell the truth, I was very nervous. I wanted to want this so much, but it just didn’t feel right. I cried thinking about working with four year olds. I was unsure of how I would react in the classroom with them. Zeta would be 4 in March. Just watching all of these little ones and knowing how much attention they demand and deserve and knowing that my heart was not fully there concerned me. In order to be an effective teacher you can’t just go into a classroom and spill your knowledge. You have to have love and passion for what you are doing. You have to make sure the kids know that your heart is in it – just like your relationship with God. In order to have the best relationship with Him you have to give Him your heart. You can’t guard it because you’ve been hurt or because you feel inadequate……but I digress – Another drawback to applying for this job would be the drive and deciding whether the boys would remain in Barnwell or go to the new school with me. I had a hard time figuring out how to make it work, but I always try to approach situations with a positive attitude so I kept trying to focus on all that was right with this position. One minute I would be almost sure that it was the RIGHT job and then I would be PETRIFIED that it wasn’t. There was a lot of back and forth conversation. I talked with my old boss about it and he was always a supportive voice.

Stay with me here – I know it takes me a long time to tell a story…………

This was all taking place in the time-span of a little less than two weeks before school started. During this time we were on vacation. Steven, my oldest child, has always wanted to go to his friend Kevin’s school because they don’t have school on Fridays. As we were discussing the possibility that the boys may change schools if I were to get a new job Steven kept asking if they could go to Kevin’s school. One day, without thinking I just nonchalantly answered, “Sure, if I go to work at his school then ya’ll can go to there.” There was no thought put into this, except the fact of trying to get him to quit asking me if he could go to that school. It just so happens that right at that moment, Kevin was there. It also just so happens that the Headmaster of that school is his uncle. Soooooooo, Kevin says, “I can get you a job there, my uncle is the principal.” Furthermore, he gets on the phone and proceeds to call his uncle – he also puts the phone on speaker. We were all getting a pretty big kick out of the scenario.

“Uncle Jamee.”

“What Bud?”

“Um, do you have a job for my Aunt Angel? Steven wants to go to my school and Aunt Angel said if you have a job there that he can go there.”

“No. I filled all my positions. Wish I would have known sooner.”
……and we all just laughed and laughed………

Jamee asked to speak to me and asked if I were really looking for a job. I told him no and said that I certainly would not put a 10 year old up to calling if I were!

…..and that was that…….. or so we thought.

Time was ticking and I had decided I would apply for the 4 year old position. I continued to worry and wonder if this was really what was in store for me. I had gone to visit the school and it was pretty wonderful. It was the size of a private school and seemed very cheery. There were moments I was even excited about starting a new adventure…….but there were still many questions in the back of my mind………I kept thinking, God – you have to send me a sign if this isn’t what I’m supposed to do – but you know, God, we had that conversation where I told you that a job would have to literally fall into my lap and I guess if I get this then this is it.

Two days before the interview with what I saw as my future school, I got a call from Jamee, Kevin’s uncle.

“Angel, were you serious about wanting a job?”

“Uh, no. I haven’t been looking and I sure wouldn't put Kevin up to calling and asking you about a job, why ya got something?”

“Well, no – but I’ve been thinking – we don’t have a guidance counselor and I think our school would benefit from one in helping get these kids prepared for college and life after school. I was thinking we would create a position for you. Would you be interested?”

In my mind, I was thinking – well, heck yeah I would be interested – but I’m going for an interview this week and that is supposed to be the job that landed in my lap and private school teachers make even less money than public school teachers and Stevie will never go for this and I’m so pro-public school I may not be accepted back into the private school environment and if I do this then I might not be accepted back into the public school environment if I decide to and…..and……and…..and…..

I can’t tell you how many thoughts flooded my mind.

“I’d probably have you teach a couple of highschool math classes too.”
There was the deal breaker.

No way, no how was I going to teach highschoolers. No way, no how was I going to teach math.

But my mouth opened and replied, “Yes I’m interested.”

He called back the next day to tell me that he had discussed his idea with the board and they were in agreement. Those two days seemed to drag on. I mean, the rest of my life seemed to hang on a decision that I had to make on a time-line. My boys’ lives would be greatly impacted on my decision and our family’s life would most certainly be impacted. We agreed that I would call him back later to let him know. In the meantime, I called my old boss. Of course, I was pretty distraught and told him that he was probably thinking that it was probably a bad idea that he called me in the first place since I was such a raving lunatic……then again, he’s seen me pretty low – my colleagues during the time of my pregnancy with Zeta all did. Those were some scary times….but I’m off topic again. I had no clue what my decision was or should be and I had two people that I had to let know about my decision.

Stevie and I talked. We listed the pros and cons and decided that financially it was a much better move to go forward with the 1st offer and if it didn’t work out then I could call about the 2nd offer and see if they were still interested. I was still uneasy about the whole thing, but I called Jamee and told him that I didn’t know WHAT to tell him……that I THOUGHT I was calling to tell him exactly what we discussed, but then my mouth took over again and I said, “No – I’m very interested and I have an interview at another school in the morning. I feel that professionally I should still go……but then again, I know that I want to be at AJA and that is the best move. Money has never been a guiding factor in my decisions and I’m not going to start now. Yes, I want the job!”

For a moment I felt free and I knew it was the right decision.

Then I hung up the phone and looked at Stevie. Uh-oh. That wasn’t what we had discussed. Then I thought about the fact that I had to call and let Robbie, know about my decision. Oh no! It was very hard feeling like I may be making the wrong financial decision for my family and it was very hard feeling as though I might be letting Robbie down………but in the end I still think it was the RIGHT decision.

I didn’t go to the interview at Robbie’s school. I actually backed out late the night before. I didn’t follow the money – the most reasonable choice. I didn’t follow the first good offer. I followed through on the fact that I asked for a sign and God gave it to me. I followed through on knowing that I made a deal with God. I told Him that if I should be working that the job would have to LITERALLY FALL IN MY LAP. I’m now at Andrew Jackson Academy, working in a job that was CREATED for ME. I feel loved, honored, and secure. I feel that it was the most perfect choice for the BOYS. The small Christian environment is perfect for helping their hearts and minds heal after all they have been through. I feel that I have already gained so much and I have so much to give. I feel I followed God’s plan.

Does that mean that I don’t still worry about whether or not I disappointed Robbie? No. Does it mean that every single thing about my new job will always feel right and perfect? Probably not. Does God always answer our prayers so swiftly? I’m not sure about that one. Does He give us choices and make His plan apparent? I’m pretty sure of it. I’m living proof!

This job gives me the freedom to openly share with students about my faith. It gives me the freedom to see my boys during the day. This job gives me a lot. It gives me time too. Yesterday, I was able to go out and work on Team Zeta’s mission. I was able to go visit another family with special needs children. There have also already been a couple of other days that I’ve had the opportunity to work on spreading Team Zeta’s mission because I have that extra day during the work week. Had I taken the other job I would not have had these opportunities. Yes, it’s still a lot adjusting to a new schedule, a new job, a new school……but it’s good………..I can hold my head high in knowing that my heart is in what I’m doing and that God has a lot more in store for me!

Here goes nothing

I still feel as though I'm going to throw up as I type this post.

You see, yesterday was a super-emotional day for me. I knew it time I opened my eyes just before 5am. I was restless and could not sleep. My body physically ached. I already knew I was going to hate the world for the day and I could not go to sleep and I could not quit crying. I could feel my heart trying to get out of my chest. My hands were numb. My head throbbed. I did not want anyone to touch me, talk to me or even look at me.

Thankfully, Stevie and the boys were all still safely tucked into bed.

For a while I just tried to keep busy. I wasn't actually FEELING anything. I didn't WANT to feel anything. I just wanted to be. It's much easier to stay numb than to accept your feelings......only my body was not having anymore of the shutting down yesterday. I tried as hard as I could to fight it.....but my feelings wanted out.....or rather - I think that I needed to ALLOW myself to feel. It was just one of those days.

I will attempt to explain this - which it may all sound rather odd because even to me it sounds strange when I think it.........

Regardless, it is what has been going on in my world the past few days.

You see, when Zeta went to be with Jesus (or whatever term you choose to use - I find that I still have not decided on how I best like to say any of that) I focused on the fact that she was no longer struggling and the fact that she was healed - I see a strong parallel between that time and the time when she was trached....I hated for her to have to depend on machines for life, but she was no longer struggling and no longer miserable. My faith ABSOLUTELY kept me from going nuts. Looking at it now, I see exactly how I was CARRIED through that whole time. Thinking about the days that followed Zeta's death - I was not the one walking and talking and speaking - It was God and only Him. I could not have had that type of strength.

Well, I guess the past few days has been leading up to me relying on my own strength or perhaps just God letting me get in touch with myself and reminding me that I am human and that I will always need him - I'm not sure exactly what is going on, but I have definitely been in touch with my feelings and I've definitely been counting my blessings as I feel the pain.

After Zeta died I did see her in the casket - briefly....and that was my choice. She looked like an angel in her white dress and bow. She was peaceful. She had no machines and she lay there- like a doll. I've always hated when people talk about how good dead people look.....and right now I hate adding MY CHILD to the list of DEAD people.....only that's just it - her body IS dead. Anyway, I went to the funeral home, saw her body - and that was that. In my mind that was it. She was gone - her soul was in heaven. She was free, she was healed. She would never suffer again. In my thought processes again I don't think I ever gave another thought to her physical body.

You know, a lot of people spend a lot of time at the cemetery after a loved one dies. They go there to visit their loved one. They talk to their loved one - I suppose they feel most connected to their loved one at the place where their body rests. I thought for sure I would be one of those people. I know that Stevie visits Zeta's graveside every morning and every evening on his way to and from work and we have visited some together.......but for me, well, I don't know....I go there - but it is not my daily mission to make it there and if I miss it sometimes I don't even give it a second thought. I've never felt connected to her there. It's just a plot of dirt and some flowers. I've never thought of her being there.

Well, I went to the cemetery with Stevie Saturday morning. I guess maybe it was the first time I heard him speak out loud to her there, I'm not even sure- but it ABSOLUTELY broke my heart. Something in me dropped and it was like I realized for the first time that my baby's body is there - in the ground - lifeless. I went back and replayed the graveside service over and over in my mind. Yes I saw the vault lowered in the ground. I knew that vault contained the casket that had just left the church and I also knew that casket contained the body of my little girl that I had seen at the funeral home, BUT during the service what I kept most in my mind was that my baby no longer suffered. That what lay there in that vault was merely a shell- just like a doll baby. MY baby had already departed from earth - the funeral was for us - the ones who stayed behind and it was a celebration of her life and all the lessons we learned from this dear sweet baby. I was not mourning the dead body of my child at her funeral. I was remembering every miracle we witnessed, every blessing she helped us enjoy and relishing in the fact that she was no longer suffering. That is what saved me in the days after she died.

Well, yesterday.........for some reason, yesterday was just hard. I'm not sure if it was the devil or God or both working on my heart. I'm human. I know this.....but - I ALWAYS want to feel the PEACE that God blessed me with during the times that I would have fallen if I had been left to my own devices. The PEACE that God provides transcends anything that I would dare to even attempt to describe. We ALL have the ability to tap that peace. I can say that it's simple because all you have to do is BELIEVE - but I know, from experience, that for most people it takes being stripped of any of your own power, thoughts, or control in order to fully experience that peace ----and trust me, I know it is not always a pleasant experience that gets you there.

There are 3 things that have consumed my mind lately - 1) What is it that I should be doing with my life 2) Am I truly giving my boys the love and attention they deserve and 3)Am I coping with Zeta's death in a normal way....will I take a hard fall again.... am I learning what I should gain from it......and how do I make other people understand what I've experienced through God's mercy and why did it take so much for me to get to the point to even care this much?

Well, of course everywhere I look now I find answers to my questions, but sometimes I find more questions instead. I can almost always draw a parallel to the things I've learned and how my faith has grown and relate it to almost anything at all. There are times I feel like I should be standing up shouting about my experiences but I don't want to be labeled as the crazy nut who lost her mind after her kid died (yes, harsh words but it's how we tend to think sometimes, right?)

I don't even know where I'm going with all this except that my heart has been so heavy. I woke up mad and sad and angry yesterday. I went to church hoping no one would say anything to me or even look at me - I really wanted to stay home. I sat through Sunday School and then opened my mouth to make a correlation of my life with the lesson and ended up crying....then I sat through church with tears streaming even as the first song played.....and our preacher preached on giving yourself fully to God and following what it is that he wants you to do (fully and with all of your heart)- all I could think was, well if I knew WHAT it was that He wanted me to do then maybe I could do it......then in the back of my mind something is telling me what I (might) need to do (which kind of misses the whole point of his sermon if I say MAYBE or MIGHT), but I don't know if it's God or me or some other force because it really seems unimaginable, unattainable and if I didn't have the slightest concern that God may be pulling me that way I would dare say it would be a STUPID idea to even think that I would be called in such a direction.

Oh, well - I could go on for forever about my feelings yesterday. Mad at the fact that my baby's body lies in the ground 3 miles from my house. Sad at the fact that I miss her. Blessed at the feeling that we had 3 years to love her. Concern that my boys know how very much I love them. Confused at the fact that I still don't have direction in my life. Hopeful that I know that things will get better - remember, my FAITH covers that.......and calmer because I've got some of it out of my system now.

Today may not be a save the day world for me, but I'll rest and we'll see what He gives me to do when I get up!

Giving up or Giving hope?

I think I can honestly say that I've been blessed to be pretty optimistic most of my life (well except for those crazy middle school years, maybe!)

I think about this a lot because there are people close to me who struggle with a not so positive outlook on life.

Honestly, I think we all struggle at some time. I know that I've had my fill. I'm pretty open about counseling and medication (at times). I fought the medication issue, within myself, up until my break a little over a year ago. I even took myself off of it for a few months. Unfortunately, it wasn't meant for me to give it up yet. I have a friend that believes anti-depressants should be in the drinking water.....and if you look around sometimes I can't say that I would blame her too much.

Sometimes, the battle is within and we have to make the choice on whether or not we will see the good. We have to CHOOSE to battle the demon - in actuality, if we're going to succeed we must always CHOOSE to fight it. Only, sometimes it is not easy - AT ALL.

Yes, we have choices....and yes, it does seem easier for people who have a generally optimistic outlook on life- but what about those that are struggling to make the choice to be happy but still have a tremendous amount of trouble doing so. How do we help those people?

How do we witness and how do we keep encouraging? It's easy to just give up and say, "Well, you're just so negative there's no use!" ..........but is that what we're supposed to do?

What if God said, "Well you just keep sinning so I think I'm going to take back my gift of Salvation." That would be a pretty hard pill to swallow......because we don't always purposely sin. In fact, if you ask anyone I'm pretty sure they would tell you that they NEVER purposely sin - but I don't believe that's true. I mean, have you ever stretched the truth to save someone's feelings?

I've been accused of not knowing about depression because I have a generally happy outlook on life. Trust me, my friend, if I don't know a little about depression then I certainly know a lot about pain. I know that it takes a tremendous amount of effort just to get out of the bed sometimes and I know that I physically ache and can't breathe sometimes. I know that there are moments when, out of no where, I hear that voice that tells me I'm not good enough or that my search to be happy is stupid or that I should just give up.........I've had those very true feelings.

Fortunately they are mostly fleeting.

But, what do we do to help others who live in that constant battle of emotion?

How do we help them?

I have a friend who, to me, is about as true a testament to the hands and feet of God as I have ever witnessed. Sometimes, it's to the point where I say in my head, "really, how can you really still be so perky and happy - doesn't anything ever get to you?" .....but I know she has moments too - thing is, she is an encourager and I know that if I am down she is going to do her best to bring me up....and I know she does it by the Grace of God.

that is the kind of person I want to be...........

What about you?

Dancing in Heaven

I woke this morning from a dream about Zeta sitting up and crawling….laughing and eating a bowl full of grits. It was one of those dreams that was so real that it took me a minute to realize it wasn’t. I was excited about getting up to go see her and go work on some therapy to build her muscles. It was my encouragement and hope for what she could do today.

Only………….it was just a DREAM. I realized quickly that Zeta wasn’t here and that we weren’t going to be working on anything.

I began to think………’why, why, why’………..’what if’……….’we should have’………you know, all the questions of second-guessing everything that had anything at all to do with Zeta’s life.
Any type of therapy was always hit and miss with Zeta. Everything went according to how her seizures and overall health were doing for the day – or for that moment to be more precise. Needless to say, there were less times than so that Zeta got any true therapy……..but I always had that drive (and I believe she did too) that any time she was up to it we were going to work to achieve all that she could do. She could go weeks – sometimes even months in a semi-comatose state and then rebound back to exactly where she was physically before becoming sick – and always with a smile! We would always get so excited when she made improvements.

I spent an immeasurable amount of time reading and researching and trying to find out about the newest developments in health and seizure related issues. I even had all the INTENSIVE and alternate therapies planned out for when she got better. Every time I would read I would find something new. One time, I had it all figured out – we would get a pacemaker for her heart, her lungs, AND her brain. There is even a doctor that harvests new kidneys and livers (yes you read that correctly – he ‘grows’ new organs) – so we could get brand new kidneys since Zeta would never make the transplant list if she ever needed one. Heck if we talked to him enough we might even could get a new heart, brain, lungs AND kidneys. I would become excited every time I read about a new development and then become defeated when I read that, often, the organ or problem that was being addressed was the ONLY organ or problem people receiving the treatments for had issues with. It seemed as if no one else had ALL the same problems as Zeta and that we couldn’t get the things she needed because she had SO MANY OTHER issues and most doctors weren’t willing to use their time to spend time on a child that had so many other factors that could interfere with the success of anything they tried.

I would read about other families, similar to ours, who were travelling hours away to doctors finding treatments to assist in making life better…..only Zeta was often too ill to even get to those doctors. I would talk with families and doctors all over the place. I would talk with Zeta’s doctors (who were awesome, by the way)….I was always looking for a plan……

Until, one day, I finally understood that it wasn’t in the plan for Zeta to be whole on earth. It wasn’t up to me (or the doctors to FIX her)….that wasn’t what her life was about…..
It took a lot of faith, hope, prayers, and tears to get to that point – but ultimately I understood and accepted it. I continued to try and push and DO things, but nothing was changing – in fact, in some ways things were getting much worse.

I always said that I would be able to handle a child with special needs – that we would move mountains to make life as enjoyable as possible for her – but when the realization of the fight for normalcy versus the fight for life was understood I began to have a hard time. That’s when the grief started. I could take the special needs part. I could DO something about that. I could LIVE with that.

But……could I live with knowing that each day the struggle was not for normalcy but for LIFE? Could I make it through watching the days when she would just lie there motionless…..sleeping for days on end……or realizing we couldn’t stop the seizures or that she would never eat, sit, or even breathe on her own? Was I up to THAT challenge? More importantly, was SHE up to that challenge?

It was never even really a challenge I envisioned. Sure there were scares…..I knew from the beginning that I would have a child with special needs……and there were times we were given little hope….but I refused to accept that….I could not accept that God would give us this sweet baby and all the challenges we faced only to take her away from us.

I refused to see the whole picture of what was happening.

In the month prior to Zeta going to be with Jesus I began having a lot of dreams about her dancing and laughing. I suppose that’s really nothing unexpected – but I also began having friends (and even people I never met before) tell me that they were having dreams about the same thing. At times, I looked at it as the hope of what Zeta might one day do….maybe it was a sign that she was going to get stronger……..but during that time, sometime it hit me that God was preparing me not for what she would do HERE but to allow me to see that she was going to be dancing and laughing and whole in heaven.

You know, sometimes the WHY questions do come – but I TRULY and FAITHFULLY believe that Zeta was sent here only for a SHORT while and with a VERY BIG mission. It takes a ton of faith to believe that at times. I know the devil tries diligently to make me see the negative side to all of this, but in my HEART I know…I TRULY KNOW that God’s hand was in every beat of Zeta’s heart….from the moment she was conceived through every pre-natal and post-natal scare…. Through our biggest fears becoming reality and every life-changing moment – GOD WAS THERE.

In the times I doubt, I ask Him to take it from me. I look at all she accomplished- despite the odds….. I look at how strong my faith became…..I look at all the wonderful people we have met and the outpouring of love our family received. I see all the goodness through the tears……If I ever doubted before then I am sure now that coincidences are NOT BY CHANCE….they are thoroughly planned – it is up to us to see the meaning, the miracles……we are given the choice to accept or deny. I CHOOSE to accept because I’ve seen the goodness, I’ve experienced the peace and I know that my Redeemer LIVES…..just as my baby DANCES in Heaven today!!!

moving hell

When someone tells you about a difficult decision they’re facing or something they feel they have done wrong they are basically hoping that one of two things will happen: 1) either you’ll tell them how to fix it- easily - or 2) you’ll crucify or admonish them for what they have done…. Either way, I think we seek closure to difficult situations along with the ability to move on.

I recently read somewhere that you find true happiness when what you think, what you feel, and what you say are in harmony. Think about that for a minute – is it not very true? When we are completely honest with ourselves (and others) we tend to feel a lot better about things.

Sometimes, the hard part is convincing ourselves that we’re worthy of happiness.

A wise friend recently pointed out the difficulty of understanding that there is no hierarchy of sin. I mean, as humans it is hard to wrap our heads around the fact that the ‘little sins’ (like lies or just bad thoughts in our heads) are equivalent to the big sins – such as murder. When you look at it like that there is no logic…..but as she pointed out….it’s not the order of hierarchy, or lack thereof, so much as the fact that Jesus paid for ALL sin and that when we believe and trust and accept and repent in Him we are protected.

The hell that we experience on earth has a lot to do with what we allow in our lives. Now don’t read too much into that. I’m not saying that we always CREATE our own hell, but often times – we ALLOW it. I am speaking from personal experience here. We all have difficulties in our lives. We all face tough decisions. We all experience some type of pain or suffering or sickness. Those things in themselves are not the hell. HELL is when we DO NOT ALLOW God to work in our lives. It is when Satan is able to manipulate or thoughts and convince us that belief and happiness are wrong or unachievable. It is when we convince ourselves that we are not worth love. Every obstacle we meet is an opportunity….An opportunity to trust God and strengthen our relationship with Him. An opportunity to show the world that no matter what we face we can come out on top – not because of our OWN strength - as a matter of fact it’s often IN SPITE of ourselves…..rather the opportunity lies in admitting complete helplessness and letting God lead us…..it is during that time that we become humble…..that our light shines brightest….and that God can do all that He promised…….true peace, true happiness and the hope and faith of eternal life.

Sometimes it takes a true friend to point out the Hell that we allow in ourselves…..whether it be our thoughts or actions. It is difficult to point out what is wrong….I find it ironic that our pastor has recently had some very revealing sermons on this very topic while at the same time I am witnessing and experiencing some of the same tough situations……….It’s easy to love someone when they do what you think it is right and it’s easy to look the other way (or just give up on them) when what they are doing is wrong – the hard part is reaching out and helping pull someone out of their own hell. Just as we all have fallen victim to feeling like we deserve the hell we’re in or we just can’t figure out how to get out of it……God loved us enough to pull us out……. and if you think about it there may be at least one person in your life who has done the same for you (and if there hasn’t been then get on your knees and pray because He will be there for you and He will reveal himself in your life)…….shouldn’t we be responsible enough to show others love and grace – even if that means loving and guiding in the most difficult times….and if God cared enough to breathe life into us shouldn’t we care enough about ourselves to fully live in His glory?

Allowing myself to heal....

No calamity will ever bring only evil to us, if we will immediately take it in fervent prayer to God. Even as we take shelter beneath a tree during a downpour of rain, we may unexpectedly find fruit on its branches. And when we flee to God, taking refuge beneath the shadow of His wing, we will always find more in Him than we have ever before seen or known. -Nathanial William Taylor, Streams in the Desert

Stevie and I have spent the past few days just being. Healing.

A therapist friend once told me that sometimes I think too much....that I should allow myself to feel a little more.

I understand that feeling is a vital part of the healing process. Thing is, a lot of times I'm just scared of allowing myself to feel.........but when it happens, oh how wonderful!

This weekend was specifically planned as a getaway for the two of us. A time to be together without the responsibilities of the outside world....a time to look at ourselves as a whole and a time to work on our marriage. Throughout the past few years that 'us' time has definitely been put on the back burner. We've worked diligently as a team, but I think sometimes it was easy to forget that there is so much more to marriage....sometimes it felt like the stakes of all we had to lose were too high to even take a breath....much less take a minute and actually feel anything!

I can honestly say that this weekend, sometimes, it felt like I was feeling anything for the first time ever.

We stayed in a humble little cabin in the woods and when the care taker met us she had her 3 year old daughter with her. I was instantly in awe of this sweet little being. You know the cute, confident, and shy little attitude all rolled into one? She was simply......adorable. Later that night, as we had dinner, I became completely consumed with feeling the loss of my 3 year old. Try as I might, I could not stop the rush of feelings. I mean, I was just sitting there eating and all of a sudden I thought about the cute little 3 year old and then I thought, "Zeta was 3" - then I just fell apart....One of those random times when my feelings just took over....there was no logic behind it, just the feeling - the feeling of pain and grief and loss....the feeling of how cute and sweet this little girl was and the feeling of missing my baby!

Honestly, that was probably the hardest moment of our time away (besides terribly missing my boys). I'm happy to say that I allowed myself to feel all the good things about this time too. Just last week, while talking with a counselor, I mentioned that one of the hardest things to get past is being ok with feeling ok. You know, it is ok to be alright. Life (no matter how different or difficult) does go on after the death of someone you love. You continue to have a choice in life - either sink in a hole and let the grief consume you or fight like heck to feel again.....to live again.......to be whole again and to allow yourself to be happy. I've always tried to make those very conscious decisions - sometimes it is really ok, but sometimes it really does feel like the most insurmountable thing in the world!

Trusting God with your fears is the number one thing I could advise you to do. It is the only true way to peace. Trying to take control on your own and planning out how you think things should be may work for a while, but in the end it is not how it is supposed to be and the more you try to take control the harder it gets - trust me, I know a bit about this!

Anyway, I didn't mean to get caught up in the hard feelings. I wanted to let you know about the good feelings too.

I wanted to try to explain to you what it was like to feel God's love and actually see his awesome wonder.

It's hard to explain, but at times - it was like I was hearing the birds for the first time.......I was feeling the crisp, clean air around me....I was finding the beauty in nature.....I was realizing that "Yes, God created all of this.....this is what we should focus on taking in." It's not about the race to number one or who has the best car, the best clothes...or who is doing what..........it's about LIFE...it's about the eternal life God has promised us.....it's about the beauty he has surrounded us with......thing is, sometimes we become consumed with the materialistic things....sometimes we allow ourselves to focus on the negative things......sometimes we become the negative......that is not what He intended....you cannot honestly look at the beauty of mother nature, the beauty of a giving soul or the beauty or a newborn baby's innocence and complete dependence and tell me that God does not exist. You cannot for a minute think that man has control of any of this.

Why then, do I continue to try to take control and make my own plans? It's human nature, I suppose. Making plans is part of being responsible, but sometimes - in making plans - we forget that the ultimate plan is up to Him and that should be our focus. It's when we lose sight of that that life becomes more difficult. I'm not saying that life is easy if we follow Him...in fact, if you look at scripture you usually find that the opposite is often true. I'm saying that we become more fulfilled and that no matter how difficult the journey we have the promise of reward in Heaven. We can have that inner-peace and satisfaction that comes from only One - IF we choose to listen and follow....I've experienced that inner-peace that is inexplicable. It's what I think we're all searching for........that void.........that thing that we're missing in life....you won't find it from a thing or another person.....it is only in Him.