Remembering

I'll forewarn you - I'm diagnosing myself again.

Yesterday morning I came across a travel size bottle of lotion that I got while staying at the Ronald McDonald House in Augusta. I opened the bottle and instantly started seeing flashbacks. I vividly remember seeing the bottle that morning and imagining that someone received it from a hotel on an exotic trip to France or somewhere similar. I opened it and lapped in the scent. It was like nothing I had ever smelled before. Exotic, soothing, calming, and very much intriguing. I put the lotion on. It made me feel as though I were somewhere other than a community house getting ready to go see my sick baby in the NICU.

I remember walking into the NICU that morning. I remember what I was wearing - down to my socks. I remember the bag I carried on my right shoulder and the fact that I had a binder and a water bottle in my hand. I remember the 3 nurses sitting at the check-in counter. They commented on my perfume (the lotion). I told them where I got it from and we had some nice superficial conversation. I remember washing my hands before going in the unit. I remember talking with Dr. Threadgill. These memories are like watching something on tv. They are just that clear in my mind.

What is strange is that I don't remember anything else about that day. I remember talking to Dr. Threadgill. In my memory I actually see us talking, but I have no clue what we are saying. I don't remember seeing Zeta, although I know that I saw her because we are standing right by her isolette......every single thing past that moment is gone.

Yesterday, when I put the lotion on I immediately got that same feeling as when I first wore it in Augusta. I imagined some sophisticated lady picked it up from her fancy hotel somewhere far away and brought it back to donate to RMH......then just as quickly that feeling changed to uneasiness.....then I started to think about everything I remembered that day........all that I could remember was good, so why is it that once I go into the nursery everything disappears???

There are so many things about our hospitalizations that I remember - both good and bad - some very, very bad.....Some that I wish I had not witnessed or experienced.......but why is it that I can't remember this particular day, especially after having such VIVID memories about that morning?

I liken it to some type of post-traumatic stress. I really and truly have no clue what was going on with Zeta that day. I don't know if it was a good day or a bad day. I don't know what Dr. Threadgill told me in our conversation. I just can't understand why everything else is so real and so fresh in my mind...... or how that lotion stirred this overwhelming emotion in me.

Once I put the lotion on, I quickly debated jumping back in the shower and washing it off. The feeling of 'not knowing' was that intense - but the good feelings I had overcame that. That's kind of how faith works. The feeling of not knowing is sometimes so intense and makes us want to give up or run away, but the peace and good feelings you can get from prayer and having faith triumph over any of that.

I spent the whole drive to school taking in the scent and just trying to remember the rest of that day to no avail.

Once I got to school, I couldn't sit still. I had some paperwork I had planned to do, but couldn't so I went out the back door and started sweeping. The aroma of the lotion swirled around me as the emotions swirled in and out of my mind. I tried to peek in to every crevice of every memory in my brain and still could not find out what happened the rest of that day.

Well, school issues took over and a student's issue took over anything that was in my mind. I forgot about the lotion or I guess I quit trying to remember.

Several people asked me how I was doing yesterday. A few told me I looked tired. At the moment I didn't realize that I felt any different. I assumed I was tired from some things I had worked on at school that morning..........but the more I think about it, the more I believe that part of it was being tired from trying so hard to remember what my mind obviously desperately wants to forget.

So, until my mind feels that it is ready to deal with whatever it experienced that day I will turn it over to my Savior. I know that He already knows and I know that He can heal my spirit just as He has healed my Heavenly Angel, Zeta.