Life goes on

I met a new friend the other day.

We had an instant connection. You know, one of those connections where you feel like you're peering into someone else's soul?

Only the tie that binds us is one that I sometimes wish no one ever had to experience. We've both been mothers of medically complex children, children with rare brain malformations at that - and we both lost our precious daughters.
Another friend recently told me - "It's not a fun club to be a part of."
That much is certainly true.

What I found in talking with my new friend though is all of the 'firsts' I'm experiencing since the loss of Zeta…….some of the things that may seem strange to you or that most people never have to think of she related to or had already experienced……..

For instance, when talking about how many children I have- I still don't quite know how to answer that question….I’ve had 3 children, but only 2 remain with me.
There are other things too - like I've walked around my house looking at all the awesome pictures Brannon, Rebecca, and Fran have taken of our family.....The next family picture we will take won't include our whole family. A piece of us is gone. I don't know how I will handle that.

Little things...........they seem insignificant in our everyday lives...........until your everyday life is turned upside down.

I even look at my facebook background and profile photos- First and last pictures of our whole family at the beach. I used to change my pictures frequently, but now.......now I don't know if I ever will.......

Just walking into our den - the room that became Zeta's room - is sometimes still hugely emotional.....our family, as a whole, still largely avoids the den.

One of the strange emotions we talked about was the whole medical lifestyle.....how when you lose your child you lose the beeps of the machines, the doctor's visits, the therapist visits, the constant researching for a new way to help your child.........all of those things present a loss too......strange as it may seem you crave all the craziness that robbed you from decent sleep and kept your mind in a constant whirlwind.........

Then there's the question of reaching out to other families - something I feel very called and compelled to do.....when telling my story I want them to hear the message of hope.....sometimes I worry that because Zeta's earthly life ended they will miss the whole point of what our experiences taught us. There is still much hope in Zeta's story. I don't ever lose sight of that.

.....still, as a mother, the pain often feels very new and very raw and yet so long ago all at the same time……and from the conversations I've had with other mothers who have lost their babies the pain grows and changes with us......but it never fades completely......
......still, it's not a hopeless pain.....not for me, anyway.

Truly, I miss Zeta's earthly presence……..but more than that I’ve learned that my most important focus is on God alone. Through that knowledge I have grown and learned so much. I have learned to pay attention to the small things. I have learned to seek the answers that are sometimes so plain to see, yet we get so caught up in the world that we don’t see it. I’ve learned that FAITH is a billion dollar word with an infinite amount of meaning. I know that Jesus lives, God loves, and people are far greater than they might always lead you to believe. I’ve learned that I’m stronger than I ever imagined and that everything does, in fact, serve a greater purpose. I’m learning how to live life without my little girl…..more than that I am learning the good that has come out of every battle she fought. Yes, I said good – you see if we are so busy focusing on the bad we lose sight of the good………but God never promised easy………..since the beginning we lost any promise of an earthly life that resembles heavenly life. It’s up to us to accept the promise of Salvation and continue to let others know how rewarding and hopeful a life saved by grace truly is…….