Advocate

It's relatively easy to be an advocate when you're advocating on behalf of mistreated children or people that are dying.....


Why? Well, because everyoneunderstands it's for a noble cause.


Heck - people even find cause to praise you.

What about when you're advocating for things that the majority of people can't agree on?

Well......let's just say that it's not so easy.

This past week has been.....mmmmm.... a little overwhelming.

I've said quite a few times before, I realize that because I speak out on certain things that I make myself quite the target..... I think the absolute hardest part of it all is balancing what God wants and desires versus what I want or what the people around me want.

You see - what I want is to please EVERYBODY......ALL THE TIME.....

Now, add that to the fact that I say I want to ADVOCATE for people..... .....or that I want to advance change......

.....well those two things don't exactly always mix very well together....

For those of you that don't know, I've become pretty involved in local politics. Don't fret, I'm not a politician. I'm not running for office and I've just about solidified the idea that I never will.....

Scary part is, I think I'm making myself just as much a target as those sitting in charge (or maybe even more) - at least when you're a politician you have at least one solid group of people that have your back.

Unfortunately, when you're asking questions you're bound to upset EVERYBODY.

I pointed this out to County Council the other night - I told them I wasn't going to stand there and act like it wasn't awkward that I had managed to upset or tick off every one of them - even though that has never been my intent.

I left my office the other day several hours after I had finished my work.

Why? Well, because I was busy trying to make sure I was listening to concerns........ and following up with people who I may have inadvertantly upset.......and researching ...

When I got home I was just so overwhelmed. I told Stevie, "I feel just like I did when I spent all those days in the hospital with Zeta." My connection to the world was through the internet and the rest of my day was always spent researching diagnoses, treatments, doctors, insurance, etc. etc.

I was trying to figure out how to "FIX" it, all by myself......only that's not how it works.

There is no magic button. There is no magic pill. There is no magic potion.

.....and I already know this....

.....yet, I go in full speed like I can make an instant change or discover something that no one else has yet discovered and then all will be well and everyone will live happily ever after.....

I frequently print scripture and put it in places I see on a daily basis.

Some I have printed right now-

Romans 12:2 - And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what [is] that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.

Job 34:12 Of a truth, God will not do wickedly, and the Almighty will not pervert justice.

John 17:17 “Sanctify them by the truth; your word is truth.”

1 John 4:1 “Dear friends, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God, because many false prophets have gone out into the world.”

James 1:5 “But if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all generously and without reproach, and it will be given to him.”

1 Peter 5:8 ESV Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.

I struggle with why I feel inclined to keep looking into how to help make things better in our county. I struggle with things that I say and praying on whether or not it is God's will or my own.

As a matter of fact, I had an all out temper tantrum with God just the other day. I'm not talking just "No God I don't want to do this." I'm talking stomping my feet, shaking, crying - scratch that - inconsolably sobbing and mentally screaming to God - "NO! I'm done! I can't stand up to criticism. I want people to LIKE me. I don't want to ask any more questions. I'm ready to move on to the next thing."

Do I sound a little crazy to you yet?????

What makes it even more of a struggle is that there have been plenty of other times I "thought" (or maybe REASONED) God was telling me something and I had it absolutely all wrong.....

What makes it even worse is the fact that not only have I been very vocal in this whole political arena............I've also been very vocal about my FAITH AND GOD.

So......that means, any one thing I screw up could nullify every single thing I've said about God to any one person that is watching me.

Ya'll......

It feels like the hardest burden some days.

So......I'm yelling - I can't do it. I'm not perfect. I don't know all the stuff I'm supposed to know. I want people to be happy. I have skeletons in my closet. People are gonna attack me. I want positivity and happy endings and all I'm finding is more questions. Somebody else would be better....somebody with a bigger back bone than me...... No, God....I don't want to..... God....are you really asking me to do this....or am I making this complicated and I can just stop now and go back to "normal"?

Then I'm reminded that Satan uses every doubt to hold us back from proclaiming God's glory. Whether or not God wants me advocating for my neighbors or if it is self- motivated - that part I'm still contininually praying over..

..but the part about telling you about how great God is and the fact that He needs to be in every thing that we do.....well that part - THAT PART is non-negotiable for me. He saved me from an eternity of feeling burdened, broken, and defeated - so for that, I owe Him EVERYTHING and SO MUCH MORE!!!

No more hurt

My heart hurts. It hurts because kids are killing kids. It hurts because people die too soon. It hurts because people think if I disagree with them it means I hate them. It hurts because I see so many hurting. Kids killing kids......some of them were mine. Maybe I taught them (or some like them) .....Maybe I fought for them, maybe I loved them, maybe I cried with their moms and grandmas. Why does it have to be like that? Why does Satan get to step in and convince these kids that gangs symbolize brotherhood, sisterhood, and unity? It’s just a trap....yet the longing to be a part of something.....anything....leads so many astray. ...and people die too soon..... not just from gang violence, but from all sorts of things..... How do you explain to a mom who lost her grown son that God really does have some sort of plan in the midst of the most dreadful days of her life. How do you convince her that it’s ok to be upset, mad, sad and confused .......but just not to stay there? Life isn’t easy. Truth isn’t always pretty. Your “truth” might be different from my “truth,” but facts are facts.....Just because we view things differently doesn’t mean one of us is better than the other. It doesn’t mean I wish you ill or harm. It simply means we view things differently. My sin might be different from your sin....but sin is sin. There is no hierarchy. Family is everything.......only sometimes I forget this. Sometimes I get so fixated on how the world hurts that I forget that those closest to me might hurt sometimes too. I forget that I hurt....really, it’s not that I forget......maybe it’s just that sometimes it easier to focus on all the hurt around so I don’t think about my own.... ......ever felt like that? ......like you want to fix everything....but you have no idea where to start? .......like you failed at fixing your own things so you have no business worrying about fixing anything else? The world is full of hurt....so much so that my head nor heart can imagine it all.... ...but the one thing I don’t have to imagine is God’s love.... He’s proven it over and over.... ...when I’ve been mad, sad, and glad....and especially when my heart hurts.... I can’t imagine how His heart hurt to send His Son to die on the cross....to SEE Him BECOME SIN...to see every bad and unimaginable thing we could ever do- all at once put into Jesus’ body....in order to save us from an eternity of hurting hearts. So, when my heart hurts I find comfort in knowing anything I experience or feel is NOTHING compared to what Jesus experienced on the cross...to SAVE me...and to SAVE you..... Wow. Just....wow. Psalm 94:19 When I worried about many things, your assuring words soothed my soul.