Jeremiah 29:11

"For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord. "Plans to prosper you, and not to harm you. Plans for a hope and a future."

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Hmmm...


Feeling isn’t a bad thing.

In dealing with my recent anxiety I’ve picked up some good advice.  While talking with a trusted counselor she pointed out that I answered most every question she asked with, “I think….” In the context of our conversation it was like a bolt of lightning struck.  The point she was leading me to was the fact that although I’m always ‘thinking’ about what our next step should be…. or ‘thinking’ about this or that- I’ve kind of lost touch with what I’m FEELING…..(and honestly sometimes afraid to admit what I’m feeling).

I know it’s very true.  I have not so unique ability to turn my feelings off.  In order to cope with some of the situations we’ve been dealt  ---I just tune out.  I stand back and watch myself acting out the motions…. I do what needs to be done to make it through the moment…the day…the week.   In fact, I quit feeling.  At some point that all comes back to haunt me and I eventually HAVE to FEEL.  There are so many more revelations I’ve found in (my less than ordinary) counseling but I won’t dwell on them here. 

What I want to share is that I’ve found support from people that I never even imagined.  I’ve found that I’m definitely not the only one….

Anxiety stems from fear.  I need to be aware of  where the fear is actually coming from, feel it, and deal with it………How?  Lots of trust and faith in a higher authority is all I can say!

A huge part of my fear comes from not being able to ‘fix’ everything……If I read enough; search enough; find the best doctors; befriend the best nurses; seek the most therapies; if I’m nice enough; smile enough; all-together enough;  thoughtful enough; if I pray enough; bargain, plead, and cry enough then it will all be ok…..  Somehow everything will magically fall into place.  Now, I know that is not how life works, but still…somewhere in my subconscious it’s all that drives me.  It’s who I am….and if I can’t be the peace-maker….the one who fixes things…..then who am I, really? That’s a huge part of the fear. 

That….and fear of the unknown……

When I think about Zeta and the unknown it leads me to think about every single important part of my life and the unknown…..my boys….my marriage…..Stevie..…my parents…every single thing that is important.  It makes me realize that nothing in our earthly life is promised.  At times, that can be a very overwhelming feeling.  At other times it solidifies the appreciation I have for accepting the choice of salvation and all the Heavenly promises that abound. 

I think too much.

I’ve spent the past few weeks getting back to feeling….and it’s not so bad. 

We’ve accepted the services of Hands of Hope.    The layer of extra support from Odessa, Mollie, and Tabitha have already enveloped us.  We still have the extraordinary support from Lavonya( Zeta’s home nurse)…..our families …..and all of the prayers that each of you surround us with….

I still believe that circumstances are greatly impacted by attitude and choice so I will continue to believe things will never be as bad as they could be…. and I will continue to put on my happy face to the best of my ability, but I will allow myself to feel more….and I’ll continue to try to live each moment with my family and my children as if they were numbered…..I will try not to wish for the magical fix because I know there’s already a Plan in place that is Divine………

Zeta had some minor procedures on Friday.  We finally had a port placed.  This should provide tremendous relief for her tired veins!  They took another look at her airway and did more injections to her salivary glands.  No real new news.  Surgery was a breeze and they even let us come home the same day (that’s a first)! 

Saturday evening Zeta was starting to feel a little under the weather.  Well….the past few days have been eventful to say the least, but we’re dealing.  Seizures have continued to be very troublesome and we’ve dealt with some respiratory and feeding issues.  Thankfully, our plans of staying out the hospital with extra support at home are paying off so far!  Your continued prayers and support are truly appreciated!

We’re so very thankful for all the people that have been placed in our lives (especially the past few years).  So if by some chance I have failed to ever personally thank you for your part (however big or small)  please, please know how grateful I am that you’ve been a part of my life!  I’m mindful every day of the ways that I am blessed!

And now, Lord, what do I wait for and expect? My hope and expectation are in You. Psalm 39: 7