In dealing
with my recent anxiety I’ve picked up some good advice. While talking with a trusted counselor she
pointed out that I answered most every question she asked with, “I think….” In
the context of our conversation it was like a bolt of lightning struck. The point she was leading me to was the fact
that although I’m always ‘thinking’ about what our next step should be…. or ‘thinking’
about this or that- I’ve kind of lost touch with what I’m FEELING…..(and
honestly sometimes afraid to admit what I’m feeling).
I know it’s
very true. I have not so unique ability
to turn my feelings off. In order to
cope with some of the situations we’ve been dealt ---I just
tune out. I stand back and watch
myself acting out the motions…. I do what needs to be done to make it through
the moment…the day…the week. In fact, I quit
feeling. At some point that all
comes back to haunt me and I eventually HAVE to FEEL. There are so many more revelations I’ve found
in (my less than ordinary) counseling but I won’t dwell on them here.
What I want
to share is that I’ve found support from people that I never even
imagined. I’ve found that I’m definitely
not the only one….
Anxiety
stems from fear. I need to be aware of where the fear is actually coming from, feel
it, and deal with it………How? Lots of
trust and faith in a higher authority is all I can say!
A huge part
of my fear comes from not being able to ‘fix’ everything……If I read enough;
search enough; find the best doctors; befriend the best nurses; seek the most
therapies; if I’m nice enough; smile enough; all-together enough; thoughtful enough; if I pray enough; bargain,
plead, and cry enough then it will all be ok…..
Somehow everything will magically fall into place. Now, I know that is not how life works, but
still…somewhere in my subconscious it’s all that drives me. It’s who I am….and if I can’t be the
peace-maker….the one who fixes things…..then who am I, really? That’s a huge
part of the fear.
That….and
fear of the unknown……
When I think
about Zeta and the unknown it leads me to think about every single important
part of my life and the unknown…..my boys….my marriage…..Stevie..…my parents…every
single thing that is important. It makes
me realize that nothing in our earthly
life is promised. At times, that can be
a very overwhelming feeling. At other
times it solidifies the appreciation I have for accepting the choice of salvation
and all the Heavenly promises that abound.
I think too much.
I’ve spent
the past few weeks getting back to feeling….and
it’s not so bad.
We’ve
accepted the services of Hands of Hope. The layer of extra support from Odessa,
Mollie, and Tabitha have already enveloped us.
We still have the extraordinary support from Lavonya( Zeta’s home nurse)…..our
families …..and all of the prayers
that each of you surround us with….
I still
believe that circumstances are greatly impacted by attitude and choice so I
will continue to believe things will never be as bad as they could be…. and I
will continue to put on my happy face to the best of my ability, but I will allow myself to feel
more….and I’ll continue to try to live each moment with my family and my
children as if they were numbered…..I will try not to wish for the magical fix
because I know there’s already a Plan in place that is Divine………
Zeta had
some minor procedures on Friday. We
finally had a port placed. This should
provide tremendous relief for her tired veins!
They took another look at her airway and did more injections to her
salivary glands. No real new news. Surgery was a breeze and they even let us
come home the same day (that’s a first)!
Saturday
evening Zeta was starting to feel a little under the weather. Well….the past few days have been eventful to
say the least, but we’re dealing.
Seizures have continued to be very troublesome and we’ve dealt with some
respiratory and feeding issues.
Thankfully, our plans of staying out the hospital with extra support at
home are paying off so far! Your
continued prayers and support are truly appreciated!
We’re so
very thankful for all the people that have been placed in our lives (especially
the past few years). So if by some
chance I have failed to ever personally thank you for your part (however big or
small) please, please know how grateful
I am that you’ve been a part of my life!
I’m mindful every day of the ways that I am blessed!
And now, Lord, what do I wait for and expect? My hope and expectation are in You. Psalm 39: 7
Thank you, Angel for your blog! It has helped me tremendously with what our family is going through. It does seem easier to "tune out" when you're constantly dealing with doctors' appointments, therapists, and fighting with insurance people, that we forget to focus on the positives - no matter how outnumbered those positives might seem at the time, we can find them through our family, friends, and through our faith.
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