Five words that make up the roller coaster ride of this week......(and our lives!)
We've spent the week at the beach. Zeta's nurse came and stayed a few days too. During that time Stevie and I were able to spend a lot of quality time with the boys. We went boating, ice-skating, and shopping - among other things. We had so much fun together and were happy to finally be able to do some fun family things (while not having to do it under the guise of a hospitalization).
It was a much needed reprieve for us all..........except there was one thing missing.....a pretty big thing.......our daughter.
In the midst of being so thankful for the time we were spending together doing fun things it caused me to pause and think about our life 'before'. These were normal family things we used to do together. Now, I'm much more appreciative when we're able to enjoy such blessings. However, I still have this intense aching in my heart that my baby girl can't enjoy the fun with us....like somehow, we're still not complete.....she's here...she's home, but she can't go out and enjoy things like other 2 year olds.
There are a million things I should be thankful for....like, perhaps the fact that we are managing much more of Zeta's care at home....we've had a couple of calls this week in which doctors were close to asking us to come in, but for now we're still holding our own. I don't believe we'd have that opportunity if it weren't for the support and care of Zeta's nurses from PSA and Hands of Hope.
Another thing to be thankful for?.....we wouldn't be able to have a somewhat 'normal' vacation if it weren't for my parents allowing us to overtake their home - fill it with our mini-mobile ICU unit complete with equipment and medications and nurses coming in and out. We would not have been able to enjoy time with our boys if it weren't for Zeta's daily nurse agreeing to come work with Zeta at the beach........maybe we wouldn't even have the right to care for Zeta at home if we didn't live in a free country.....if so many people didn't put their lives on the forefront to ensure freedom for all of us.....freedom to believe as we choose......
Of course, by now you know how I choose. I choose hope. I choose faith. I choose God. Does it mean I'm perfect? NO Does it mean my life should have no obstacles? NOPE Does it make me better than you? nu-uh What it does mean is that I choose to believe that God is real. That everything in our earthly life has meaning and reason. I may not understand it. I may not always like it. I might even annoy the mess out of God by questioning it sometimes, but you see- this is where faith steps in. I can have honest conversations with God and throw my fit at the seeming unfairness of it all. I can question. I can weep..... because in the end.....in my heart.....I choose faith....and that faith leads me to believe that none of this is in vain. That it was all taken care of many years ago up on a hill on a cross. There are constantly things working that are unseen and so much that I've already known and experienced. I choose hope and I choose to know that pain will one day be erased completely. I know that I'm not alone and I see (at least partially) how God has been at work throughout all of this.
We used to have a pretty normal life. We did normal family things. We went places together. We played together. We felt we had it made and we were thankful (or so we thought). Our life now is different. It's definitely not what one would call normal, but .... believe it or not.... there is so much more to be thankful for. Sure, there are moments we find ourselves wishing it were different....but for me atleast... there has been a lot of growth, a lot more nurturing, a lot more understanding and a heck of a lot more thankfulness for all that we have....and much more understanding and love. A lot less focus on the material and much more on the spiritual....and the love in our lives. They say being thankful and having faith is easy when everything is going well.....it's not until that faith is tested that you find out who you really are.....I believe there are no truer words.
For me, I've never had a problem proclaiming my faith. However, it wasn't until I felt completely broken that I truly realized how much faith is a choice. When your world comes crashing down you ultimately have two choices. Continually curse the force that drove it and wallow in the sorrow or choose faith....choose that that very same faith leads you to what it is you need to learn. Choose not to be beaten. Choose to follow Him. It doesn't mean that everything magically falls into place or gets fixed. Faith doesn't guarantee earthly healing (I know better than some that we, as humans, wish that it did!) Faith is never being alone. Faith is being able to make it to the next day when you absolutely knew that this day would kill you. Faith is choosing to hold on to Him even if you're not sure.
I know a little about faith. I know I would not cope without it. I know its what drives me.
I know that faith has made me more appreciative of my life and my family's situation. It is mine and I own it. I take responsibility for it. I will continue to choose faith and choose hope. I will continue to be thankful for all that we are and all that we have.
Without our loving families and extended family our lives would be much more difficult. Without the medical care Zeta receives we would be in a much different situation. Without the doctors and nurses that let me cry on their shoulders (without telling me I'm crazy) I wouldn't be able to continue being Zeta's strongest advocate. Without the all the therapists we would lose another layer of support. Without you - the one reading this- I wouldn't have anyone to share our story. Yes, my view of life is much different now than it was just a few years ago...........and I wouldn't have it any other way!
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