Faith

While we can't always choose our thoughts, we do have freedom to choose on which thoughts we dwell.    ~Norman Wright

I wonder how long I will have an issue with the month of July.........

Zeta's first "big" seizure episodes began in July of 2010.  She was status epilepticus and went into septic shock from a kidney infection.

In July 2011 Zeta had brain surgery.

This year, in July, she ended up in the hospital for feeding intolerance, seizures, bleeding in her trach and maybe her belly, and lots of pain.

We've had countless admissions between these events - but the July admissions just seem to carry a heavy burden for me.....maybe it's the fact that July is the 'deadliest' time to be in a hospital.....maybe it's the fact that July 2010 was the first time we ever saw Zeta that sick.....maybe it's because it was the first time I felt we may lose her and the looks on the faces of the doctors and nurses around us led me to think they felt the same way......those are some of the toughest memories.....

Whatever it is I'm just a little leery of July and I'm kind of glad it's almost over! (I know I shouldn't wish my life away!)

Last Monday Zeta's neuro team in Phoenix met.  They concluded that there is a suspicious area in a ventricle near where the tumor was removed from her brain.  There is nothing they can do surgically for this.  Gamma Knife radiation was suggested as a possibility -although they aren't sure it would alleviate Zeta's symptoms.  The GK team met on Friday and we will have their recommendations early this week.

Regardless, we try to remain positive and keep our minds on the present.  Nothing is gained by  worry over what has passed or what may or may not come.

Our prayers are that we  make the right choices...that we can gain control of Zeta's symptoms and keep her free from pain....We pray we are are able to meet the needs of Steven and Chancelor and give them the attention they desire and deserve.

Although, I have many, many selfish prayers.....and sometimes I want nothing less than for Zeta to be completely healed......for her to be a typical two year old running down the hall and bumping her head.....crying for Mommy and Daddy.....laughing at her brothers or knocking down their toys....for our family to go outside and do things together.....to go places together....all together...as a complete family.......I do pray selfishly for those things that I want....... want so badly that I feel as though my heart could break....but....but I continually try to remind myself that there is something greater at stake....that our lives has been immeasurably impacted.....that so many truths have been revealed and many lives touched....I look into the faces of the three greatest loves of my life and know that I should not dare ask for more....I try to remember to pray for His will and not my own.  As difficult as it may sometimes be -I know that the Greater Plan is much better than my own........

In the same way. the Spirit helps us in our weakness.  We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit  himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express.  And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spririt interceds for the saints in accordance with God's will.  Romans 8:26-27