life again

Life.

I talk about it a lot.

I’ve also talked about my walk with anxiety. That strange relationship I have with her and how she can rear her ugly head any time she pleases.

I know I sound a little like Sybil (you know, the lady with multiple personalities).

I’ve found that it was a little easier to talk about anxiety when I felt there was kind of a reason for me to feel anxious. I put it all out there about the day I really broke down and all the feelings I had leading to that moment. I told you about how at one minute everything could seem perfectly fine and then the next minute it all seems to want to fall apart.

What I haven’t told you is how it creeps into my “normal” life too.

You see, when you’re the parent of a child with numerous medical needs people kind of expect you to lose it at some point or another. You wouldn’t believe how many comments I got about how people were so impressed that I kept it together for so long.

When you’re the parent that loses a child you’re still given the opportunity to lose it and break down without reason and without cause at any time…….

…but perhaps when the grieving ‘grace period’ is over you feel like you need to suck it up and move on…….

I mean everybody has problems, right?

I mean I could sit and grumble and moan and groan and fall in the floor and whine and continuously
shout “why me, why her, why our family Lord!?”

Only, that’s not proper – I should have been doing that the day of the funeral right?

Well, I do have those feelings sometimes – but it’s really strange how it all happens.

This has been a tough week for me. There is no particular reason. I love my job. I feel like I get to see my boys more. Everything is fine at home (except for the fact that I can’t keep up with the laundry and my house looks like a tornado hit it). Everything seems perfect. I am happy!

Only, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve got out of bed this week and had to force myself to be ok with being able to get out of bed. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wanted to stay in bed – or better yet, find the deepest, darkest hole to climb into. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve prayed to God to help get me through it once again and how many pep-talks I’ve given myself.

Now, at the moment when these feelings arrive I can’t pinpoint any specific feeling that is causing them. That’s the odd thing about anxiety…..the physical feelings come before the emotional ones – or maybe it’s the fact that we fight the emotions for so long that the only way the body can compensate is through the physical.

I get the sensation of my heart racing, I have these strange brain zaps – weird, I know, then I start feeling like I can’t breathe and I either feel like I’m going to faint, throw-up, or die -depending on the severity it takes on my body.

I know, I know, it all sounds like something that I should be able to control. It makes me sound like
a schizophrenic at worst and a hypochondriac at best.

Fact is, I know a little about anxiety and I know that I’m not going to literally die. I know that I’m letting the emotional take the form of the physical…..but yet I haven’t fully learned to master it. Sometimes it still comes in and threatens to overtake everything.

For example, I told you I’ve been battling these feelings all week. There has been no present reason I should be having anxiety. My job is great, my boys are great, my marriage is great. So, when the physical symptoms of anxiety have presented themselves I’ve tried to push it further and further into the back of my mind. I haven’t dealt with it at all

………..until last night…………..

Last night it consumed me. I didn’t try to cover it up, I didn’t try to pretend my body wasn’t telling
me something. I just let it happen. I cried….. a lot. I felt the loss of Zeta. I felt the inadequate feelings of the time I lost as a mother with my boys. I felt the inadequate feeling of having to learn new things in a new place in a new job. I felt those feelings. I thought about similar feelings and experiences I’ve had at other times in my life. I just…..felt. I let it happen and I let it be.

When you deal with anxiety that is the best thing to do. That’s why people pay big bucks for therapy. You seek the catharsis of actually feeling your feelings – no matter how scary. “Feeling” anything is what we continually run away from, but I wonder if it is the only way God can really help us.

We can pray for God to take the physical pain and feelings of the anxiety away, but until we realize where it comes from we can’t talk with Him about it and we can’t deal with it. If we’re continually trying to hide from ourselves then we’re also hiding from God. God knows and sees everything, but we are instructed to be open and not hide. I think that’s part of the free will God gives us.

Now, I’m sure this whole post will have some people walking on egg shells around me and wondering if I’m really alright…….and right now, I really am……That’s another strange thing about anxiety – sometimes you really are perfectly ok and you feel ok and everything is in harmony. It’s just those moments you seem to get blind-sided by the physical part that are so crazy!

Everybody has a story, everybody experiences pain. I think most people try to create the façade that everything is ok and that’s perfectly fine – as a matter of fact I think that at most times we should try to see the best in everything and make interactions with others positive…….but – BUT if you are hurting, if you are dealing with pain, if you feel inadequate, if you struggle and think no one understands your pain. Talk to someone. Talk to God. Talk to your pastor. Talk to a trusted friend. Find a way to deal with those feelings. Find a counselor or therapist – they are basically like a paid friend that has to keep your feelings in confidence. No matter what you do – DEAL with the feelings. PRAY about it! Regardless of how insignificant you think your pain may be – it is still YOUR pain and someone can relate and God can heal!