Here goes nothing

I still feel as though I'm going to throw up as I type this post.

You see, yesterday was a super-emotional day for me. I knew it time I opened my eyes just before 5am. I was restless and could not sleep. My body physically ached. I already knew I was going to hate the world for the day and I could not go to sleep and I could not quit crying. I could feel my heart trying to get out of my chest. My hands were numb. My head throbbed. I did not want anyone to touch me, talk to me or even look at me.

Thankfully, Stevie and the boys were all still safely tucked into bed.

For a while I just tried to keep busy. I wasn't actually FEELING anything. I didn't WANT to feel anything. I just wanted to be. It's much easier to stay numb than to accept your feelings......only my body was not having anymore of the shutting down yesterday. I tried as hard as I could to fight it.....but my feelings wanted out.....or rather - I think that I needed to ALLOW myself to feel. It was just one of those days.

I will attempt to explain this - which it may all sound rather odd because even to me it sounds strange when I think it.........

Regardless, it is what has been going on in my world the past few days.

You see, when Zeta went to be with Jesus (or whatever term you choose to use - I find that I still have not decided on how I best like to say any of that) I focused on the fact that she was no longer struggling and the fact that she was healed - I see a strong parallel between that time and the time when she was trached....I hated for her to have to depend on machines for life, but she was no longer struggling and no longer miserable. My faith ABSOLUTELY kept me from going nuts. Looking at it now, I see exactly how I was CARRIED through that whole time. Thinking about the days that followed Zeta's death - I was not the one walking and talking and speaking - It was God and only Him. I could not have had that type of strength.

Well, I guess the past few days has been leading up to me relying on my own strength or perhaps just God letting me get in touch with myself and reminding me that I am human and that I will always need him - I'm not sure exactly what is going on, but I have definitely been in touch with my feelings and I've definitely been counting my blessings as I feel the pain.

After Zeta died I did see her in the casket - briefly....and that was my choice. She looked like an angel in her white dress and bow. She was peaceful. She had no machines and she lay there- like a doll. I've always hated when people talk about how good dead people look.....and right now I hate adding MY CHILD to the list of DEAD people.....only that's just it - her body IS dead. Anyway, I went to the funeral home, saw her body - and that was that. In my mind that was it. She was gone - her soul was in heaven. She was free, she was healed. She would never suffer again. In my thought processes again I don't think I ever gave another thought to her physical body.

You know, a lot of people spend a lot of time at the cemetery after a loved one dies. They go there to visit their loved one. They talk to their loved one - I suppose they feel most connected to their loved one at the place where their body rests. I thought for sure I would be one of those people. I know that Stevie visits Zeta's graveside every morning and every evening on his way to and from work and we have visited some together.......but for me, well, I don't know....I go there - but it is not my daily mission to make it there and if I miss it sometimes I don't even give it a second thought. I've never felt connected to her there. It's just a plot of dirt and some flowers. I've never thought of her being there.

Well, I went to the cemetery with Stevie Saturday morning. I guess maybe it was the first time I heard him speak out loud to her there, I'm not even sure- but it ABSOLUTELY broke my heart. Something in me dropped and it was like I realized for the first time that my baby's body is there - in the ground - lifeless. I went back and replayed the graveside service over and over in my mind. Yes I saw the vault lowered in the ground. I knew that vault contained the casket that had just left the church and I also knew that casket contained the body of my little girl that I had seen at the funeral home, BUT during the service what I kept most in my mind was that my baby no longer suffered. That what lay there in that vault was merely a shell- just like a doll baby. MY baby had already departed from earth - the funeral was for us - the ones who stayed behind and it was a celebration of her life and all the lessons we learned from this dear sweet baby. I was not mourning the dead body of my child at her funeral. I was remembering every miracle we witnessed, every blessing she helped us enjoy and relishing in the fact that she was no longer suffering. That is what saved me in the days after she died.

Well, yesterday.........for some reason, yesterday was just hard. I'm not sure if it was the devil or God or both working on my heart. I'm human. I know this.....but - I ALWAYS want to feel the PEACE that God blessed me with during the times that I would have fallen if I had been left to my own devices. The PEACE that God provides transcends anything that I would dare to even attempt to describe. We ALL have the ability to tap that peace. I can say that it's simple because all you have to do is BELIEVE - but I know, from experience, that for most people it takes being stripped of any of your own power, thoughts, or control in order to fully experience that peace ----and trust me, I know it is not always a pleasant experience that gets you there.

There are 3 things that have consumed my mind lately - 1) What is it that I should be doing with my life 2) Am I truly giving my boys the love and attention they deserve and 3)Am I coping with Zeta's death in a normal way....will I take a hard fall again.... am I learning what I should gain from it......and how do I make other people understand what I've experienced through God's mercy and why did it take so much for me to get to the point to even care this much?

Well, of course everywhere I look now I find answers to my questions, but sometimes I find more questions instead. I can almost always draw a parallel to the things I've learned and how my faith has grown and relate it to almost anything at all. There are times I feel like I should be standing up shouting about my experiences but I don't want to be labeled as the crazy nut who lost her mind after her kid died (yes, harsh words but it's how we tend to think sometimes, right?)

I don't even know where I'm going with all this except that my heart has been so heavy. I woke up mad and sad and angry yesterday. I went to church hoping no one would say anything to me or even look at me - I really wanted to stay home. I sat through Sunday School and then opened my mouth to make a correlation of my life with the lesson and ended up crying....then I sat through church with tears streaming even as the first song played.....and our preacher preached on giving yourself fully to God and following what it is that he wants you to do (fully and with all of your heart)- all I could think was, well if I knew WHAT it was that He wanted me to do then maybe I could do it......then in the back of my mind something is telling me what I (might) need to do (which kind of misses the whole point of his sermon if I say MAYBE or MIGHT), but I don't know if it's God or me or some other force because it really seems unimaginable, unattainable and if I didn't have the slightest concern that God may be pulling me that way I would dare say it would be a STUPID idea to even think that I would be called in such a direction.

Oh, well - I could go on for forever about my feelings yesterday. Mad at the fact that my baby's body lies in the ground 3 miles from my house. Sad at the fact that I miss her. Blessed at the feeling that we had 3 years to love her. Concern that my boys know how very much I love them. Confused at the fact that I still don't have direction in my life. Hopeful that I know that things will get better - remember, my FAITH covers that.......and calmer because I've got some of it out of my system now.

Today may not be a save the day world for me, but I'll rest and we'll see what He gives me to do when I get up!