I woke this morning from a dream about Zeta sitting up and crawling….laughing and eating a bowl full of grits. It was one of those dreams that was so real that it took me a minute to realize it wasn’t. I was excited about getting up to go see her and go work on some therapy to build her muscles. It was my encouragement and hope for what she could do today.
Only………….it was just a DREAM. I realized quickly that Zeta wasn’t here and that we weren’t going to be working on anything.
I began to think………’why, why, why’………..’what if’……….’we should have’………you know, all the questions of second-guessing everything that had anything at all to do with Zeta’s life.
Any type of therapy was always hit and miss with Zeta. Everything went according to how her seizures and overall health were doing for the day – or for that moment to be more precise. Needless to say, there were less times than so that Zeta got any true therapy……..but I always had that drive (and I believe she did too) that any time she was up to it we were going to work to achieve all that she could do. She could go weeks – sometimes even months in a semi-comatose state and then rebound back to exactly where she was physically before becoming sick – and always with a smile! We would always get so excited when she made improvements.
I spent an immeasurable amount of time reading and researching and trying to find out about the newest developments in health and seizure related issues. I even had all the INTENSIVE and alternate therapies planned out for when she got better. Every time I would read I would find something new. One time, I had it all figured out – we would get a pacemaker for her heart, her lungs, AND her brain. There is even a doctor that harvests new kidneys and livers (yes you read that correctly – he ‘grows’ new organs) – so we could get brand new kidneys since Zeta would never make the transplant list if she ever needed one. Heck if we talked to him enough we might even could get a new heart, brain, lungs AND kidneys. I would become excited every time I read about a new development and then become defeated when I read that, often, the organ or problem that was being addressed was the ONLY organ or problem people receiving the treatments for had issues with. It seemed as if no one else had ALL the same problems as Zeta and that we couldn’t get the things she needed because she had SO MANY OTHER issues and most doctors weren’t willing to use their time to spend time on a child that had so many other factors that could interfere with the success of anything they tried.
I would read about other families, similar to ours, who were travelling hours away to doctors finding treatments to assist in making life better…..only Zeta was often too ill to even get to those doctors. I would talk with families and doctors all over the place. I would talk with Zeta’s doctors (who were awesome, by the way)….I was always looking for a plan……
Until, one day, I finally understood that it wasn’t in the plan for Zeta to be whole on earth. It wasn’t up to me (or the doctors to FIX her)….that wasn’t what her life was about…..
It took a lot of faith, hope, prayers, and tears to get to that point – but ultimately I understood and accepted it. I continued to try and push and DO things, but nothing was changing – in fact, in some ways things were getting much worse.
I always said that I would be able to handle a child with special needs – that we would move mountains to make life as enjoyable as possible for her – but when the realization of the fight for normalcy versus the fight for life was understood I began to have a hard time. That’s when the grief started. I could take the special needs part. I could DO something about that. I could LIVE with that.
But……could I live with knowing that each day the struggle was not for normalcy but for LIFE? Could I make it through watching the days when she would just lie there motionless…..sleeping for days on end……or realizing we couldn’t stop the seizures or that she would never eat, sit, or even breathe on her own? Was I up to THAT challenge? More importantly, was SHE up to that challenge?
It was never even really a challenge I envisioned. Sure there were scares…..I knew from the beginning that I would have a child with special needs……and there were times we were given little hope….but I refused to accept that….I could not accept that God would give us this sweet baby and all the challenges we faced only to take her away from us.
I refused to see the whole picture of what was happening.
In the month prior to Zeta going to be with Jesus I began having a lot of dreams about her dancing and laughing. I suppose that’s really nothing unexpected – but I also began having friends (and even people I never met before) tell me that they were having dreams about the same thing. At times, I looked at it as the hope of what Zeta might one day do….maybe it was a sign that she was going to get stronger……..but during that time, sometime it hit me that God was preparing me not for what she would do HERE but to allow me to see that she was going to be dancing and laughing and whole in heaven.
You know, sometimes the WHY questions do come – but I TRULY and FAITHFULLY believe that Zeta was sent here only for a SHORT while and with a VERY BIG mission. It takes a ton of faith to believe that at times. I know the devil tries diligently to make me see the negative side to all of this, but in my HEART I know…I TRULY KNOW that God’s hand was in every beat of Zeta’s heart….from the moment she was conceived through every pre-natal and post-natal scare…. Through our biggest fears becoming reality and every life-changing moment – GOD WAS THERE.
In the times I doubt, I ask Him to take it from me. I look at all she accomplished- despite the odds….. I look at how strong my faith became…..I look at all the wonderful people we have met and the outpouring of love our family received. I see all the goodness through the tears……If I ever doubted before then I am sure now that coincidences are NOT BY CHANCE….they are thoroughly planned – it is up to us to see the meaning, the miracles……we are given the choice to accept or deny. I CHOOSE to accept because I’ve seen the goodness, I’ve experienced the peace and I know that my Redeemer LIVES…..just as my baby DANCES in Heaven today!!!
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