I wasn't quite sure what to entitle this one.
Sometimes I feel like I'm so dramatic when I finally get to the point where I NEED to write about my feelings.
The past few weeks I could sense that strong feeling of grief creeping in. Instead of stopping and feeling it I've just tried to put more and more into my schedule. I guess I was subconsciously hoping that I could keep myself busy enough that I wouldn't have to deal with it. I wouldn't have time for it.
Christmas is my favorite time of the year - I can't let grief ruin it!
The thing is, I know well that a lot of things in life do not operate on MY time schedule. Grief certainly doesn't wait until I have time to deal with it. If it were up to me (like most people) I just wouldn't deal with it at all.
I've had those days here and there where I had the overwhelming desire to just cry - I mean cry over anything......Someone says something that hurts my feelings - I want to cry.....Can't find my keys in the morning - I want to cry.....broke my fingernail - I want to cry.....the sun comes up - I want to cry...........Get the picture?
But I didn't have time for crying so I would let a few tears fall, suck it up, and be on my merry way.....
Thing is, I suppose I haven't been all that merry.
Looking at things in reverse I see that I think I've even kind of avoided my parents (who happen to live less than a mile down the road) because I knew they would be able to tell something was wrong and question me about it and I would get irritated then they would get offended....do you see how this works - I start avoid some people because I just don't want to deal with it. I don't want to FEEL it. I don't want to admit that I'm weak to other people.....simply because I don't want them to be upset........and I don't want make anyone worry....I want to be able to FIX things...... not tear them down.
Only, I thought I was supposed to have learned that I can't always fix things. Just because something isn't all hunky dory and perfect and everything doesn't even mean that it needs fixing.....sometimes things, or rather -people, are broken and they don't need 'fixing' they just need to heal.....and healing takes time, and awareness......and it takes your very own willingness to accept the pain.
Pretending like the pain doesn't exist or pushing it back to deal with later only makes it manifest. It's like if you had a very bad cut and needed stitches - but you choose not to go to the doctor. Chances are it costs you more trouble than it's worth. You deal with days of it continually bleeding and infection setting in and protecting it so nothing touches it until one day you just can't stand it anymore and then you go to the doctor and end up needing a shot and antibiotics and amputative surgery-ha! Granted, I know this example is extreme, but do you get the analogy? Instead of dealing with it, we sometimes try to cover our pain and protect it by keeping others away , but it ends up coming out anyway - and sometimes it's just not as pretty as if we would have dealt with it in the beginning.
I work with high-school students. I've had quite a few ask me lately, Are you ok - you seem sad. - or What's wrong with you today - we seem to be getting on your nerves and we don't usually get on your nerves. Keep in mind, I think I've been containing my feelings very well. I'm not bursting into tears in public yet and I'm not throwing erasers across the room or eating teenagers for breakfast - I'm simply trying my very best to act like things are normal. This has worked ok for the most part- I manage to fool some people - heck I can even fool myself a good bit, but the pain remains....and when a 17 year old girl can call your poker face and know there's pain then you're in trouble.
What makes this grief so frustrating is that now I'm experiencing some of the anger - perhaps another reason I'm trying so hard to contain it. I don't consider myself an angry person.....so the overwhelming feeling of sadness, madness, and confusion scare me. I can't even verbalize exactly what it is or how it feels - I just know that I don't like it.
We got our pictures that we recently did for the church directory today. When I saw our family picture I simultaneously thought, "I love it - I hate it". I loved it because it was another picture of our family - including Zeta. I hated it because Zeta isn't really here and it's so unfair that she's not. I try so hard not to question His plan and to be accepting.
I give great lip-service about how it is ok to feel angry and it's ok to question things - but to just know that in the end His plan is ultimate.............but I HATE to question things. ...... I HATE to feel angry......I know it's normal. I know it's a part of healing. I know it's becuase I'm human, but I HATE IT!! I hate it. I hate it.
I hate being a part the 'parent who lost a child club'. No one would ever buy a membership to be a part of this. I hate feeling helpless. I hate feeling lost. I hate the way people don't know exactly how to respond sometimes when I talk about Zeta. I hate how talking about death makes us act all funny........I hate death!
No, I guess that last statement really isn't true.
Without death we wouldn't ever experience eternal life.
Death,itself, isn't horrible - except for those of us left behind.
Had Zeta not experienced death she would have continued to experience pain. That is not what I would have wanted for her.
Death is dark, death is scary, death is hard. We make it that way because we've never actually talked to a human person that died and came back to tell us about it. We make it that way because sometimes we are insecure in what we know - or rather, some people just haven't accepted that there is a peaceful eternity in heaven after death. I think that maybe sometimes unless you fully accept and believe that then it is difficult to get past the anger.
I've just spent the beginning part of this typing like a mad person - literally and figuratively - until I got to that last paragraph....It was my epiphany. Like turning on the light and saying - yes I'm mad, yes i'm hurting - but it won't be like this forever. Zeta is in heaven. I believe my God and and I have faith and I know that one day I will spend eternity with Him and I will see my baby again. So for right now, I am letting the tears flow - my broken heart is still healing.......for right now, I've let go of some of the anger and I'm just going to embrace the pain and take time to heal. For right now, I'm not going to run from it - I'll just let it be.
Here's an appropriate devotion my aunt marked and sent to me - I received it last night and just read it this morning -
"Keep your are eyes on me! I am with you, taking care of you in the best possible way. When you are suffering. My care may seem imperfect and inadequate. You seek relief, and I make you wait. Just remember: There are many different ways to wait, and some are much better than others. Beneficial waiting involves looking to Me continually - trusting and loving Me.
Thank Me for this time of neediness, when you must depend on Me more than usual. Do not waste this opportunity by wishing it away. Trust that I know what I am doing- that I can bring good out of everything you encounter ,everything you endure. Don't let your past or present suffering contaminate your view of the future. I am the Lord of your future, and I have good things in store for you. I alone know the things I am planning for you - to give you a future and a hope."
I read it for the first time this morning and I knew in my mind I believed it, but I just didn't feel it in my heart - I guess I was still too busy feeling the anger in my heart. Just now, I've read it several times over and continue to be comforted. I know these things and right now I feel them too <3
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