If you popped in to read the blog today you might better pull up a chair.....maybe a snack.....some tissues....maybe a pillow.
We could be here a while.
....and I'm warning you it will probably be raw, real, amd emotional (well, not much out of the ordinary for me, I suppose.)
The thing weighing most on my mind is the loss of so many little lives and lives of special friends lately. Losses that may have been predicted by doctors long ago, but still take our breath away....then there are the losses of those who are here one minute and seem so.....well, ALIVE.........but then in an instant that person is gone....
I've not made a whole lot of time for web browsing lately - actually, I'm pretty overwhelmed with my lack of time management at this point in life. Lately, one of my most intense desires has been just to have a day to sleep or a day to just sit...and be....that's all. No thinking, no driving, no working, no outings. Nothing...just peace and reflection - so I guess, by finally sitting down to blog I'm actually doing a little of just that.
I noticed earlier this week some of the prayer requests we've been getting on Team Zeta's Facebook page and inbox and just everything happening around us. A lot of them I've barely read or maybe I really read them and my brain just chose not to comprehend. A sick little one with cancer....not much time......a CHARGE baby with a dire diagnosis that seems way too familiar. A little one with uncontrollable seizures that may need to be trached soon....another with seizures that also seem to be getting worse and uncontrollable....a seemingly healthy young mother has a seizure and dies...Do you get the picture? I could go on....but I'm afraid my mind won't let me continue there right now.
You see I'm already fighting to see through the tears, my head is pounding and my heart racing.
I don't KNOW how these people, these children and their parents are feeling, but I sure as hell have a pretty good idea.
Okay, so here comes some of the anger.
It's not fair.
It is so not fair that these babies are dying when there are idiots that are facing their 3rd, 4th, 5th DUI and nothing is done until they finally kill somebody on the road. It's not fair that these families have to watch their babies suffer - praying for just one more breath and then there are other mothers putting bullets in their child's head. It's not fair, it's not fair, it's not fair. I could continue on, but (thankfully) my mind only lets me go so far for so long (it's a pretty dark place) before faith overcomes and the rational part of me takes control.....
I know it's not right to have these thoughts (although, according to research it is pretty normal)....Perhaps I should say that maybe it's just not right to TALK about these thoughts.... I know it's not healthy to dwell on the 'it's not fair' stuff of the world - but it happens. I have these thoughts and let me tell you, this week has been one heck of a ride.
It makes me sick.....literally.....to compare the injustices of life and look at these dying children....
It's not fair that while one mother sits by her child's side praying for another day, another minute....just one more smile ----that another mother is dancing the night away wearing prada shoes and doesn't second guess that her child will still be sleeping safely in bed when she returns home.....It's not fair that disease and pain and hurt enters our lives..... Especially if you're trying to live life the "right" way, right? (please understand I'm not faulting the dancing mom, I'm just pointing out all we take for granted)
It's not fair that Zeta is gone. It's not fair that I have such intense feelings relating to these families losing their babies. It's not fair that this is happening to them. It's not fair that it happened to me. IT'S NOT FAIR!!!
By creation, life is not designed to be fair.
I get that I suppose you could say I'm still working through the anger stage of grief here...What makes it worse is the days that I seem to hate everything.....well maybe I wouldn't say I hate everything, but everything seems to get on my nerves - please tell me you understand that - that sometimes you feel that way too?.,then I end up hating those feelings the most because I know they're not right, but still it hurts, and still the pain comes, and still the fleeting questions of why and the monotonous and repetitious it's. not. fair. What's crazy is that for so long I knew nothing about the anger....I knew it would eventually come, I expected it....only I didn't expect it to hurt this way.... It cuts so many ways
anger about death, anger about life, anger of what we have....and what we don't.............AND the audacity to sometimes actually begin to believe that I shouldn't have to deal with it because "I'm a pretty decent person."
Being a pretty decent person doesn't save you from anything. Being a Christian doesn't save you from pain.....I almost wrecklessly typed that being a Christian doesn't save you from anything.....but even in my pain, even through my tears, and even through my most angry times I still know that being a Christian is EXACTLY what saves me from everything - from having these awful, dreadful feelings every second of my life......when these feelings come I know that I have Jesus. I know that my God - yes the same God that allows seemingly unfair things to happen - allows me peace. My God allows me comfort. My God allows me to know that there is so much more than the hurt and disease and pain and suffering of God. My God allows me to know that nothing I've experienced or will ever experience will be in vain. Every step I've made, every failure, every hardship, EVERY SINGLE EXPERIENCE I've had has led me right to where I am....I've accepted God as my Savior. I've accepted His will to be done....whether I like the sequence or the plans. I've accepted that He knows best. Like a tired, spoiled child - I know His way is right, but sometimes I'm too exhausted to try to see it His way....and sometimes I just WANT it my way........
It's pretty ironic that every time I have a certain thought, fear, or concern that a gentle reminder is sent....be it a spoken message, an image.....just some reminder of what the Truth is.....
No, it's not ironic at all.........I've learned that God has got me....he's right there all the time....thing is it's harder to notice when I get too self-centered.
You know this lack of time management I've talked about? Well, this has included that a lot of my quiet devotion time has been cut....It's included missing a Sunday or Wednesday night church service here or there. Heck, it's included me losing most any reflective thought at all.....
You see, the holidays rolled around. Christmas, my favorite time of year....only, at times it didn't seem so enjoyable...I didn't feel a whole lot like celebrating....then there's the Birth story - the story of Jesus' birth..........so much talk about how this tiny baby came to earth to save the world. About how this tiny baby did not do anything but be born under humble circumstances.....
It may sound stupid to you, but I spent so much time comparing the birth and life of Jesus to Zeta and her short life.....A tiny baby and an unfathomable amount of trust, faith and understanding....
One minute I'd be crying about my loss.....the next I'm crying because I see how some of the most simple things are taken for granted....then I'm crying because it has taken what seems like an insurmountable amount of pain for me to put my priorities in order....and so I cry some more.....I cry because I thought (mistakenly, once again) that I kind of had it figured out and I knew how to be humble, I was (am) gracious, I was (am) thankful - even through the pain - perhaps more so BECAUSE of the pain........but then there are 'those' moments.....
The ones when the black cloud seems to follow me.....the ones when I'm sad, or more so when I'm mad.....when the human part of me tries to fight the faith inside of me.....the times when it seems like we struggle to make ends meet while others - who in society's eyes - cheat the system and seem to live better - or others who lie, gamble, cheat or steal seem to come out on top....You know, those self=righteous moments....the moments when I'm drowning in self-pity and just can't see the logic behind how someone else's life gets to be better than mine?
Wanna know one of my latest self-pity, hate the world moments? I have a treadmill. In the past week or so it has just randomly stopped in the middle of a run...then the other night the screen goes out.....Well, you know me....nice calm Angel, right? I stomped my foot, punched the treadmill, said a few not so nice words and stormed off to the shower. The longer I was in there the madder I got. A 3 mile run...that was my goal. I was making record time (well, for me, anyway). I was at 2.95 miles. The machine stopped. It's not that old. Piece of crap. I can't have anything....everything I have is crap....The faucets in here look like crap....The toilet and sink have hard water stains...why didn't we ever finish the baseboard right there? So I marched myself back to the den, fell in the floor, cried and continued my little tantrum with Stevie. What in the world did we do wrong? We dated in highschool. went to college, got married then had kids. Did everything right on the check list....why does it seem like everybody else has a better life? Why can't we have anything....why can't we make millions......why did Zeta die????????? why were WE chosen for this life?? Why why why wah wah wah....
Yep, I had a nice little pity party right there in the floor.....and it felt like crap.
It felt like crap because I know better.
I know we are so much better off than so many more people.....I know that while in my mind it sometimes seems like we struggle to make ends meet that is just really not true...we have things that we could do without...for goodness sake the whole thing that set it off was a treadmill......I'm pouting over a treadmill and some people don't know where they will sleep tonight.....I also know that much of my pity party had nothing to do with the treadmill, but so much more to do with the hurt and pain and anger I try so hard to suppress.....You see, it's ok for me to be mad at the stupid machine. It's not ok for me to be mad at God.
More, than having a roof over my head and food to eat - I have God. I have the assurance that life on earth is not eternal....my broken heart is not infinite....Even with moments of anger and not always understanding I have peace in knowing that this is all temporary. I know that I will see my God one day. I know that my baby Zeta is healed and I know my heart will heal too.
I could seriously go on forever and a day about the pain, the peace, all the feelings that are fighting their way out.....but a busy schedule dictates that my time of reflection is over now and back to the real world.....I'm sure I'll be back for another short snippet of "life according to Angel soon!"
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