Allowing myself to heal....

No calamity will ever bring only evil to us, if we will immediately take it in fervent prayer to God. Even as we take shelter beneath a tree during a downpour of rain, we may unexpectedly find fruit on its branches. And when we flee to God, taking refuge beneath the shadow of His wing, we will always find more in Him than we have ever before seen or known. -Nathanial William Taylor, Streams in the Desert

Stevie and I have spent the past few days just being. Healing.

A therapist friend once told me that sometimes I think too much....that I should allow myself to feel a little more.

I understand that feeling is a vital part of the healing process. Thing is, a lot of times I'm just scared of allowing myself to feel.........but when it happens, oh how wonderful!

This weekend was specifically planned as a getaway for the two of us. A time to be together without the responsibilities of the outside world....a time to look at ourselves as a whole and a time to work on our marriage. Throughout the past few years that 'us' time has definitely been put on the back burner. We've worked diligently as a team, but I think sometimes it was easy to forget that there is so much more to marriage....sometimes it felt like the stakes of all we had to lose were too high to even take a breath....much less take a minute and actually feel anything!

I can honestly say that this weekend, sometimes, it felt like I was feeling anything for the first time ever.

We stayed in a humble little cabin in the woods and when the care taker met us she had her 3 year old daughter with her. I was instantly in awe of this sweet little being. You know the cute, confident, and shy little attitude all rolled into one? She was simply......adorable. Later that night, as we had dinner, I became completely consumed with feeling the loss of my 3 year old. Try as I might, I could not stop the rush of feelings. I mean, I was just sitting there eating and all of a sudden I thought about the cute little 3 year old and then I thought, "Zeta was 3" - then I just fell apart....One of those random times when my feelings just took over....there was no logic behind it, just the feeling - the feeling of pain and grief and loss....the feeling of how cute and sweet this little girl was and the feeling of missing my baby!

Honestly, that was probably the hardest moment of our time away (besides terribly missing my boys). I'm happy to say that I allowed myself to feel all the good things about this time too. Just last week, while talking with a counselor, I mentioned that one of the hardest things to get past is being ok with feeling ok. You know, it is ok to be alright. Life (no matter how different or difficult) does go on after the death of someone you love. You continue to have a choice in life - either sink in a hole and let the grief consume you or fight like heck to feel again.....to live again.......to be whole again and to allow yourself to be happy. I've always tried to make those very conscious decisions - sometimes it is really ok, but sometimes it really does feel like the most insurmountable thing in the world!

Trusting God with your fears is the number one thing I could advise you to do. It is the only true way to peace. Trying to take control on your own and planning out how you think things should be may work for a while, but in the end it is not how it is supposed to be and the more you try to take control the harder it gets - trust me, I know a bit about this!

Anyway, I didn't mean to get caught up in the hard feelings. I wanted to let you know about the good feelings too.

I wanted to try to explain to you what it was like to feel God's love and actually see his awesome wonder.

It's hard to explain, but at times - it was like I was hearing the birds for the first time.......I was feeling the crisp, clean air around me....I was finding the beauty in nature.....I was realizing that "Yes, God created all of this.....this is what we should focus on taking in." It's not about the race to number one or who has the best car, the best clothes...or who is doing what..........it's about LIFE...it's about the eternal life God has promised us.....it's about the beauty he has surrounded us with......thing is, sometimes we become consumed with the materialistic things....sometimes we allow ourselves to focus on the negative things......sometimes we become the negative......that is not what He intended....you cannot honestly look at the beauty of mother nature, the beauty of a giving soul or the beauty or a newborn baby's innocence and complete dependence and tell me that God does not exist. You cannot for a minute think that man has control of any of this.

Why then, do I continue to try to take control and make my own plans? It's human nature, I suppose. Making plans is part of being responsible, but sometimes - in making plans - we forget that the ultimate plan is up to Him and that should be our focus. It's when we lose sight of that that life becomes more difficult. I'm not saying that life is easy if we follow Him...in fact, if you look at scripture you usually find that the opposite is often true. I'm saying that we become more fulfilled and that no matter how difficult the journey we have the promise of reward in Heaven. We can have that inner-peace and satisfaction that comes from only One - IF we choose to listen and follow....I've experienced that inner-peace that is inexplicable. It's what I think we're all searching for........that void.........that thing that we're missing in life....you won't find it from a thing or another person.....it is only in Him.