Normalcy?..........Screw that - my baby is dead!
I typically don't think in this fashion or with that type of language. 'Screw' and 'dead' are not typically two of my favorite words. As a matter of fact, just reading the sentence above is making me cringe to the point where I want delete it and hide those feelings from the world....but part of what I have vowed to do is share how I feel in order to help others. If I continually try to make it seem as if everything is always perfect then my blog does not serve its purpose.
However, my life over the past couple of months has been anything but typical or perfect.
I've had some pretty intense moments this week. I'm fighting to figure out exactly what IT is that I should be doing with myself. I get angry at myself because I can't seem to get motivated to do much of anything. I don't want to clean, I don't want to cook, I don't want to exercise, I don't want to run, I don't want to think about work........Well, hmmm...I don't think it is even that I DON'T WANT to do any of these things - fact is, I truly DO WANT to, but I'm having trouble........ I think that's why I get so angry with myself. I WANT to get to a new normal, but it seems as if I'm just avoiding it for some reason or that I just can't figure out exactly what the normal should be.
The things I find myself focusing most on are the children and families around us that are struggling with illness. I want more than anything to help these families. I know, for a fact how supportive the world can be.....I want to bottle up all the love and support that we've been shown and pass it around to every single person in need - especially the kids.
I find myself focusing on the pediatric palliative care movement. On the hope that it expands to be available to children, like Zeta, immediately after birth (or diagnosis)....that it fully encompasses medical care, therapies, and family support.
I find myself full of ideas and a lot of want for the future of Team Zeta - the legacy of our small community....a legacy of love.....a legacy of the labors of God...Zeta's legacy! Although we've made progress with some ideas (and I know it takes time) I still want it all done NOW and right now it is stll mostly just ideas!
I told someone the other day, "I have all these neat little boxes in my head of how things SHOULD be. I SHOULD already have a plan for where I will be in life next week, next month, or definitely at least next year. I NEED to know - does that entail me applying for a job, applying to school.....or what???? I NEED a concrete plan. I NEED to know what I'm supposed to do." Thing is, does this mean I haven't learned a single thing over the past few years? Yes, it's wonderful to have a plan.....and it is the responsible thing to do......but do MY plans always match my purpose in life? As much as I try to put things in the boxes does it always work out that way? Haven't I learned to be patient.....and pray........and be still and wait? I know everything will be taken care of. I know that the plan for my life will be clearly revealed - just as it always has........
I don't mean to sound as if everyday my life is this awful struggle. As a matter of fact, I've been adapting fairly well......but the moments still come. The sadness, the anger, the questions, the guilt and the confusion. From what I understand this is normal and will continue to be a part of my life. I do have happiness. I am surrounded by a great deal of care and love and I do have at least a little direction in my life - but there is still that struggle of some days waking up and wondering - is today going to be a good day - or am I just going to have to pretend that it is........OR am I just going to LET myself grieve a little. Sometimes it is a constant battle...........then again - other days seem almost......well, just a little normal.
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