Understanding grief

What is grief?

What is grief, or more importantly – how SHOULD we grieve? What is the PROPER way?
Well, the short answer is there is no answer. There isn’t a proper way. Trust me, I’ve studied this in my days as an educator and have definitely experienced and studied in a whole new way (personally) in the past few years. I’m actually reading three books on the topic right now!

I think the most understandable way I could grieve right now would be to lock myself in a room, crawl under the covers and spend the next month or so crying….then throw myself back into teaching or counseling and move on……..that is what most people expect or how we idyllically understand grief. One should lose control, cry and then get over it.

Only……….that’s not how it works.

Trust me, I know.

There has been a lot of study about the stages of grief……An accepted idea that a person must go through 5 stages of grieving before they can be whole again. In theory, it makes perfect sense. Even in real life we experience and touch on the various stages – but in real life, does every person experience grief the same way?
Do we all respond the same to grief? Is there something wrong with us if we don’t grieve the way society thinks we should?

Look around. There is definitely no question that we all experience grief differently. Right now, I’m thinking of someone I know that lost her husband at a young age. She feels like she had the anger stage down quite well……but in a number of other instances she has told me that she feels like she hasn’t really ever grieved or that she doesn’t really know how……..

Is it a double standard that we hold others (or ourselves) to? When someone else is grieving should they magically walk through those 5 stages and come out on the other end ok? If that’s the case then how long should each stage last and who decides when it’s time to move to the next stage? When is it time that you are finally alright, according to public view? The double-standard comes in when YOU are the one who actually experiences the grief……because it is at that time that you are CONVINCED that no one has ever experienced grief like this – that no one could possibly understand……….that no one knows what your life has been like or IS like every day (and that is the truest truth – EVER – because NO ONE has had this same exact experience – nor do they understand every step of your journey. …..it is at this time that you listen to your feelings…..or try to run away from them……..and you understand grief……the dark, ugly, questioning, double-guessing, wondering, loneness – the feeling, at times, that you are all alone and no one else in this world could possibly understand. The times when you look at how you are reacting and wonder, “Am I normal?” The times when you wonder, “What does everybody else think?” “How am I going to keep holding it together?” “Will the pain come?” “Does the pain stop?”
Yes, our reactions to grief or varied and can change by the day - or by the second. One minute we can feel good about how we’re coping, the next we’re questioning and then we might even get confirmation that maybe the way we’re coping isn’t what is expected.

Some people fight, some withdraw, some conform. I think most of us do it ALL at some point. Some experience grief with grace and dignity and some constantly battle the demons within. I think anyone who experiences grief is on a mission to find happiness – no matter what the price. In grief, there is something that is missing – something that has been lost. In my case – I grieve over the physical presence of my sweet Zeta. I also grieve my life as I once knew it. Just as from the very moment she was born, my life has been forever changed. Just as I grieved for the life I had before she was born (I enjoyed my job, time with my boys and just normal life) – now I long to have just one more day with Zeta. I miss our routines. I know it sounds strange if you have never lived this life, but this WAS my life. Apart from missing my baby- I miss my life. I find myself, once again, trying to find myself…..trying to understand exactly who I am and what my mission in life should be. For the past few years my life existed around the medical community – doctors, nurses, hospitals, therapists, insurance…..etc., etc….Now suddenly that life is completely gone. Strange, I know……..but it is what I knew and now it is gone – with my baby. Strange, that I’ve had a greater peace letting go and knowing that my sweet baby is whole and that she is well. I love imagining her sweet smiling face and just wondering what kinds of things she is doing now. Strange, that I don’t know what to do with myself. Strange, that I have that ‘save the world’ feeling in me again. Strange, that I can’t find it in my heart to do the easiest thing and just return to my life as it was before Zeta. Strange, that it isn’t that easy.

Life isn’t easy. I don’t think it was ever intended to be.

I worry.

I worry about what people think. I worry that I’m not grieving the right way. I worry that I may not choose the right plan. I worry that people might think I’m having too much fun to have lost my baby. Yes, I worry about what people think.
The alternative piece to this is that although I worry, I am usually able to rationalize my way back out of it. Yes, I need time to myself. Yes, I need time to heal. Yes, there are moral and immoral ways of coping and experiencing grief and life………..but should I spend all of my days and nights worrying about what everybody else thinks? In a word – no.

I know I have a mission ahead of me. I know that the most tremendous part of that will be paying forward all that we have received. I know that at some point the true answer for my life will be revealed. Until then I have to trust in the fact that I pray and that I have faith.

I have to trust and be thankful for opportunities that are presented and I have to remind myself that it IS ok to be happy. I have so much to be thankful for and we have been blessed beyond measure already in this lifetime.

The power lies in focusing on the positive and not the negative.

I pray I keep that faith and that maybe one day someone else in this world may be able to gain some of the same strength……we all need prayer, support and love – even when we aren’t feeling all that lovable.

Sometimes just the quiet and the stillness can do wonders, but sometimes we may need a little something more.