We don't talk about these things

....what has been most on my mind is depression and suicide....

Don't be startled. I don't have thoughts of suicide....not in the last 20+ years or so anyway.

Depression and suicide are very taboo topics in some circles. Depression is a mental illness.....there's another hot topic - mental illness....We dance around these things sometimes and pretend they don't exist...and then sometimes, we're so wrapped up in other things that we really don't notice the signs.....

I think the recent loss of Robin Williams initially stirred some memories in my mind....

...the thoughts of feeling totally alone in a world where you seem completely normal on the outside.....

See, when I was in middle school I think I was a decent kid.... but like most kids I made some choices that weren't always the best. Some of those choices left people around me disappointed....some of those choices made me disappointed in myself.....There were also things that happened to me that were beyond my control - which in turn added to my disappointment in myself....because at the time I didn't see that the things that happened weren't all really my fault....I strived to be a people pleaser.....in many ways I guess I still am.....

Anyway, it leads me to the fact that I need to share a little more of my story (imagine that).... During this time I became very unhappy with myself and just life in general....I thought of suicide...often. I'm not really sure how serious I was in my mind about it, but I thought a lot, "If I weren't here it would just be easier." I held razors to my arms on two occasions....I'm not sure if it was fear or faith that stopped me. I experimented with 'cutting'....I started by scratching the skin on my wrists with a knife - just enough to leave little scratches, but one deep enough to leave a scar. I started doing the same things with my legs.....just scratches, but then just one deep enough for a small scar I still wear.....I just wanted to make the pain stop....Thinking about that now and actually reading it in print it doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me....It's strange even thinking about it really because I'm thinking I should be feeling a whole lot more emotion about it, but mostly it just perplexes me...I guess because I am much stronger than I was then. I realize that the pain I was dealing with then was not worth my life......

This leads me to what brought all these memories forth....the things that really hurt....

I've had 3 people in as almost as many weeks tell me that they feel life would be better if they just didn't live....when someone says that to me I take it VERY seriously......The kicker here is that one of these people pleaded over and over for help. Actually, the words were, "You help lots of people. You help everybody. Why can't you help me?" That's a tough pill to swallow. I'm a people pleaser remember? I like to fix things. Sometimes I fail. Sometimes, I just don't know how.....and sometimes I'm just lost.

I've been watching a facebook friend's posts.....I see the grief and depression in every word she writes.....but I haven't actually seen or talked to this person in real life in over 10 years....but I keep watching....I keep trying to think of the right thing to say....but I keep coming up short.....

I've been watching Instagram posts of a young girl who is very obviously hurting and looking for help. I see her pain. I've felt her pain, but yet I feel can't do anything to stop it....

I've watching someone close to me deal with a pain that is very real to me and I feel like there is nothing I can do......

Pain, depression, and hurt are all very real....

When someone is lost in that pit it's very hard to climb back out....

A lot of people worry about me because I'm apt to broadcast my emotions at any given moment, but (speaking from experience) I think it's much tougher to hold it all in.....

Holding it all in causes you to sink.

Holding it all in causes you to drown.

Holding it all in robs others of the opportunity to witness to you.

By holding it all in you think you're saving someone else or maybe preventing someone from worrying....maybe you think you're doing just fine hiding yourself from the world.... You might be able to fool some people, but I can bet that someone close to you.....or maybe even just someone who's been there before sees it and feels almost as helpless as you....

I can guarantee that no matter how well you hide your feelings from the world that you will never be able to hide from God. He knows your heart. He hears your cries....and he can heal your pain.....

I don't mean that life will be rainbows and unicorns (the way I usually like to view it) I mean that with God you can have peace about your circumstances.

Sure there will be bad days. I'm living proof of that, but once you're able to direct your focus to Him you can find better peace.....

There are days you will still cry out....

There are days you will still ask why....

There are lots of things you won't understand.....

....but if you believe God is your Creator, that He died on the Cross to forgive you of your sins and if you confess your sins - if you believe those things and talk to God constantly...even when you wonder if he's real or if he's listening...then I can tell you it WILL happen. You WILL find that peace.

As I try to wrap this post I also think of a fellow mom who lost her son by suicide. I've never actually met her in person, but we have a connection. When you lose a child your heart learns to hear and speak the unspoken, sometimes seemingly unbearable grief to others who have also experienced it. Without words you know the pain, and without words you can comfort because you have some idea....something most people are fortunate to never experience. this mom reached out to me after Zeta. It was later I found out about her son........what's even more glorious than the purest soulful connection we share is the fact that we understand our God is greater....even though our circumstances are different and though we both survived the darkest days of our lives we have God .....and that's always enough!

She has dimes and I have butterflies....but we both have God....what do you have?