This post is way past due. Trust me I know. I've received frequent reminders:)
It's not because I haven't had a lot on my mind (of course I always do). My computer and 2 laptops are just a little dysfunctional. Got to love technology right? So, here I sit blogging from a borrowed iPad (which I paid for, but had to beg to use...parents you know what I mean, right?)
So on to the good stuff....or not so good stuff...or maybe a little of both:)
I guess I'll just start from the last few weeks in order to not make this the longest post ever!
I don't think it's a secret that I've struggled with a good bit of delayed grief lately. I've put myself in counseling (counselor becomes the counseled) and I've struggled with so many emotions of loss, attachment, and co-dependency.
You see it's like my counselor says, it's kind of like the doctor trying to fix himself. I know the steps, I know the process....I just can't quite get it right for some reason or another....lately it's becoming quite clear as to why I can't get it quite right but we'll get to that later.
I have to say that I am grateful for all of you who have shared your own stories and testimonies with me. I am humbled that you trust me with such feelings from the depths of your soul.... I know how hard that can be sometimes....
Back to the point..... A few weeks ago my dad called. He causally mentioned that he was at University Hospital (as a patient). I'm a daddy's girl so this information threw me for a loop (as in rocked my world, full blown panic- which might explain the reasoning for no one telling me the night before whenhe was actually admitted which I understand, but still doesn't make it right and my hs English teacher is having a cow bc I love run on sentences -sorry Mrs.Paula,! Anywho...daddy is ok, just needs an occasional tune up. I proceeded to fuss at him and my mom like children bc frankly, I was irritated. More than that, I was scared... If something happened to my daddy I don't know what I would do. He's my rock! Yeah I know all about the life cycle and all that,but right now I just can't even think about some,thing like that...
Of course I was a little weary of everything and I had my Hal-iron competition coming up. While we sat in the hospital my parents tried to convince me to go regardless of what was happening. We all already knew I wouldn't but fortunately he came home and everything seemed to be ok....
Up until this point (and after) I cried incessantly,many times without provocation. For the most part I could keep it contained in the presence of others except those who are closest to me...so I continued to do what comes naturally...hide out.... According to my friends it's turtle mode...according to others it appears I just don't care and some people never know the difference....
Anyway, it had come to the point that it was all I could do sometimes to make it through the day.... Like I wanted nothing more than to lock myself in a dark room or run far, far away.
Then the week of my big race came. We left on a Wednesday and returned on a Thursday. Do you know I didn't cry any that Thursday, Friday or Saturday? None, nada, not one drop. It was sweet relief for my sole responsibility and focus to be to cross that finish line. I was surrounded by positive people with a common goal and that was my main focus. I told Stevie over the course of those few days that I was scared to go back home, that I knew once reality hit the constant crying and feeling of inadequacy would hit again. I told him that I knew I would have the desire to run away again once I got home.... This was a very scary thought for me.
I've constantly tried to figure out exactly what it is I'm running from.....
I've managed to pack my life so full of responsibilities and 'things' to do that I seldom know which direction I'm going and rarely feel like I'm able to focus on any one thing long enough to give it the attention it deserves....
I've been overwhelmed, and frankly on many days I've all but drowned.....
You see people who are close to me have seen this...
At the same time, people who have been in this sMe place have seen it too...
When your identity is wrapped in being the happy one and/or the yes-man people catch on pretty quickly when things aren't quite right...
My life has felt like a complete mess for a while....
....and all I've wanted to do is get away from it....
Thing is, that solves nothing. I realized this when I was at wrightsville beach beach for my race....actually my head realizes it a lot....it's my heart that doesn't get it....
...but what I realized was that for a couple of days I felt ok because I no longer ran from life. Life there was free from hurt and anger and anticipation. I didn't think about the feelingS oF inadequacies or the fear of one day forgetting my daughter or the tough lessons learned...none of that took precedence in my mind. I didn't worry about work or school or kids or church or whether or not people knew I love them. I didn't worry about much of anything except prepping for that race and crossing the finish line.
I also realized very quickly that wasn't life....it's not how it works.... On my way home I was inundated by calls and texts from people who were waiting until after the race to share certain things with me....this happened or that happened....a former beloved coworker had died suddenly.....none of these things ceased to happen just because I was mentally focused elsewhere, I just wasn't aware they had happened until afterwards....but that didn't stop me from taking on the feelings of inadequacy again.... It didn't stop my desire to either be able to fix things or run from them....
Fast forward to this week....we had revival at our church....I found myself there...lost....and wondering what happened since this time last year. You see this time last year I felt almost perfect peace. I didn't have the desire to run... I didn't cry all the time....I wasn't overwhelmed....what happened? What change? I can't for the life of me answer that....
Well, that's not completely true...what changed May be the total dependence I had on God. Don't get me wrong, I still believe, I haven't lost my faith, but I've slowly and gradually told myself I could handles it that I was doing ok and I was in control.....but nothing is further from the truth...the more control I thought I gained the further I seemed to drift from God which is why I've found myself here....
Again my head knows this, heck my heart knows it...but I'm so unbelievBly stubborn that I haven't been able to understand why I continue to try to fill my life with responsibilities and run from the things that matter most...
What I've come to understand (and some closest to me have pointed out) is I'm running from that broken place that led to the peace in my life.... The brokenness and pain that led to my full dependence on God...the brokenness that left me with nothing and no one on this earth I could depend on...the brokenness that made me Fully, whole heartedly, without a doubt dependent on God Almighty...
there is a pain that cannot be described...a pain that transcends anything you've ever experienced....regardless of what causes that pain it is something you never wish for anyone to experience but it's also a pain that beings you to your knees to cry out in desperation for strength in healing....it's a pain that seems to originate from the depths of hell because of the helplessness it exudes. It's a pain that only you understand in your intimate dance in the darkness...a pain that can only be erased by a Savior....my God...my Savior....
When every ounce of your own will is gone and when every piece of your heart,mind, body, and soul gives up and says, "God, I CAN'T DO THIS" it's then that you experience the peace....the problems don't disappear, nothing on earth has changed, but everything about your spirit has changed...because you're no longer in control...you turned that over to God.... It's more than simply believing in God, it's more than simply hoping that he hears your pleas....it is fully unmercifully crying out in desperation and realizing there is absolutely no alternative... Then....then...that's when the peace surrounds you....that's when God is able to be fully present...when you've fully invited him in....when there's nothing left to hide and nothing left to try....The only thing that remains is HIM...
I KNOW THIS.....I've felt that peace.... I kick myself all the time lately for not being able to feel it now....frankly, it's because I feel it's my responsibility to be healed and whole at this point in life....I've taken on the false notion that I should have grieved last year and I need to get on with life....I reminds myself too often that I'm inadequate in being a mother, a wife, a friend, a daughter... I try to fix these things bc I feel it's fully my responsibility ...often forgetting that God intended to walk with me all along....all I have to do is ask Him....
Last night I sat in church and just listened...I went with the expectation of finding answers and finding peace... I didn't go with the responsibilities in mind....I didn't go thinking about the thousands of other things I needed to accomplish...I went with a desire to be healed...a desperation to stop running.... I went to seek Him....
In the true fashion of God, He was there...waiting.....I don't mean in a literal sense, but I mean in the sense that very specific words were spoken, and very clear reminders of the people who have stood fast by me...an unmistakable and clear message that maybe it's not as bad as Satan leads to believe.
A very sweet lady led me in intercessory prayer and led me to pray for forgiveness and blessings on myself.....it sounds odd but we put things on ourselves and plant things on our own my minds that we would never put on others. satan leads us to believe that defeat is the winner...that we have no say in drowning under our own decisions and our own feelings of inadequacy,,,,but that's not how it goes....at least that's not how my story ends....I know who is victorious,,,,
I know JESUS died on the cross....I know a tremendous price was paid....I know how the story ends....I live eternally in His glory....I know my flesh is weak, but my soul will remain strong in The Lord... I know my doubts are covered by the blood of His grace and mercy.... I know no matter how discouraged I become that one day it will all be erased... the debt was paid on a cross so many years Ago....it's my job to accept it and share it.....
Does it make it easy? Not always. Does it make it worth it? ALL THE TIME!
