showing hurts and hearts

Do you ever feel on top of the world?

I mean like everything is right with life and you have it all figured out?

I have. It's a great feeling too, right?

Like you know what is right, you feel what is right, you do what is right and everything is in harmony.

Now, have you ever felt invisible?

Invisible, Hunter Hayes

Like no one really knows you or that no matter how hard you try you aren't ever going to be good enough....like everybody else around you has it figured out, but somehow you missed the boat? I've felt like that too....

Or, have you felt yourself on the path to nowhere - but you just couldn't figure out how to change direction? Have you been blinded by your own fascination of things that no matter how badly you want you just don't exactly have anywhere to fit it in your perfectly harmonized world?

....and then sometimes on that path to nowhere you do learn a little something......

You learn there are other people hurting. You learn that people are capable of love and that yes, they can even love you and you can love in return.....

The way to love anything is to realize that it may be lost. ~G.K. Chesterton

There's so much to learn if we open our hurts. "Hurts" - that must have been a slip because I meant to type "hearts".....but I guess it's true of both - there is a lot to learn if we open our hurts and our hearts......When we hurt we tend to shut people out hoping no one will notice while also praying that someone will....When we share our hurts and our hearts we give others the opportunity to be there for us and help us find our light - if only for a short while......The path to nowhere is not always black and white nor is it always all evil....Sometimes it just teaches us things about ourselves. It sheds lights on the things we like about ourselves, the things we hate about ourselves and the things we are yearning to find.....

We don't always like to admit it, but we all need love. We all need understanding. We all need to know that it's ok not to be ok sometimes.

It's funny how things work out - even when we don't always have all the answers.....it just takes a little more searching....



Ecclesiastes 3:12 So I concluded there is nothing better than to be happy and enjoy ourselves as long as we can.
Philippians 2:2 complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind.

Love, Hurt, and Forgiveness

Do you know what it's like to be hurt?
Silly question, wouldn't you say?
We're hurt every day....by those we love, those we can't stand, those we're trying to understand, and those we'd rather not even be around. Every day it seems our hearts get broken or our egos bruised.

So what do we do? God says we should forgive, but is that what we always do. The bible teaches us to forgive out of love.....out of the same pure love in which Jesus Christ died for our sins. Now that's a pretty hard pill to swallow.

Let's start with me for instance. I'm a lover of people. I love peace and harmony. I love making people happy and I love helping heal hurts-or at least making them feel not alone in what their dealing with.....it makes me feel like I'm contributing something like I can make a difference....but let's be honest it also makes me feel wanted and appreciated so if someone blocks me out I feel hurt. If someone says something to hurt my feelings my heart sinks and my ego shrinks....if someone dares to accuse my actions to be anything than love, care or concern I fold....and it hurts....and sometimes I get mad....it takes a whole lot for me to get mad but it happens...what's sometimes scarier than mad is indifference...you know the feeling you have when you just dint care one way or the other? Why, do you say? Well bc indifference is a lack of emotion therefore your actions have the potential to crush someone and you're none the wiser.... Now, let's talk about other things that have the potential to hurt or make you mad-someone talks about you or your family, accuses you of something you didn't do (or calls you out on something you actually did do), someone says or does some unfounded thing that hurts you in some way.....any and all of this can lead to anger, hurt, and/or confusion....

Which brings us to forgiveness...how do we forgive? How should we forgive? Do we have forgiveness for others...do we have forgiveness for ourselves? Do we recognize that the evil we fight every day has nothing to do with fellow humans but rather temptations of the anti-christ...

I have a strong group of friends of whom we pray for each other and talk throughout the day...just this week one reminded us James 1 1-18..you'll have to look it up bc I'm blogging from my phone and don't know how to copy and paste. Anyway, James reminds us that trials are from God and temptation from the devil...do you see the difference? Trials strengthen us...temptations sway us. Sometimes as the result if our free will we are swayed by temptations and create our own trials.

Take for instance marriage and affairs. In marriage there are many trials.....financial burdens, sickness-mental and or physical, and the list goes on and on. Love is a choice and the act of loving your spouse is of your own free will each day....even on the days your spouse is unlovable or you're unlovable one..temptations are around every minute of that marriage...you just don't notice them when everything is going fine....when you're hurt or feel unloved or unlovable or when you become indifferent that's when temptation has the opportunity to arise. When those temptations arise people get hurt. Sometimes the hurt is minor bc temptation is recognized and stopped before it goes too far and sometimes temptation gets the upper hand and everyone around becomes miserable and tortured from poor choices.

So how Does forgiveness fit in here? Well, it's obvious in many ways....the spouse who strayed and recognizes with remorse desires forgiveness...the spouse who maybe never saw it coming realizes mistakes made or longs to have the anger leave their heart....but what about the one who acted as temptation? What about the one who shows no remorse who continues to disrupt families who, out of what looks like selfish desire continues the same patterns...is that forgivable?

The hardest thing for us to do is forgive....sure we say we forgive...we try to forgive....but unless there is true forgiveness like that that we received from the blood of God then when do not have true peace...true forgiveness cannot come from us...it has to be placed there by God and we only get it if we ask for it... Sometimes we have to ask continually...AND we have to be READY for it. That means we have to be willing to give up our own control, our own desires, and our own limitations to let God have control...we have to have forgiveness in ourselves and of ourselves before we can forgive anyone else....and that comes with the love and desire of God in which we can truly love ourselves and each other...things that sound so simple but yet we often fight so hard against.

In my own experiences I know that I have difficulty forgiving....on the outside I seem pretty forgiving. I even fool myself that I'm full of forgiveness.....but the better term for me would probably be passive-aggressive. I'll forgive you and say everything is ok , but I won't forget...and you better believe I'm gonna use it against you later- either to remind you of how you've messed up before or to let you know it's ok for me to do certain things bc you wronged me in the past.....see that's not true forgiveness....but I holdout forgiveness in myself too....I let guilt control my actions sometimes, I let fear tell me I'm not good enough or evil tell me that I can do what I want bc I'm just gonna mess up anyway...that's not truly giving it to God or forgiveness of self...and lack of self live or self forgiveness leads us to believe we're not worthy so no one else is either....this opens the door for all sorts of temptations- self medication through drugs or alcohol, abuse, hatred, you name it....

Do you see why true forgiveness is so important?

I can think of one very clear time in my life I experienced feeling true forgiveness for someone...Zeta was inpatient in one of the fights for her life....her tiny body was clearly trying to give up and no one seemed to be acting fast enough. The only doctor around was a new ( and who seemed to me at the time cocky) resident...he seemed to be just watching my baby and no one was doing anything...he finally discussed a plan of action with which I disagreed bc it was just wasting time- I knew all too well from experience....to make a long story short my baby almost died and if she had I was going to blame this resident and this hospital for the rest of my life....this was the first time I ever came close to sticking a finger in someone's face...I tried to react calm and in a rational manner bc I knew the rest of Zeta's care depended on it but the anger that boiled through my veins was too much to contain... I was angry to the point of sickness....I hated everything and everybody....my only focus was that doctor and it was a picture of hatred.....what I slowly started to realize as I sat by zeta and tried to pray was that my main focus was this young resident and the fact that I thought he had done wrong....I couldn't even put the proper feeling into the prayer for healing for my baby because I was so consumed by the anger. So I made a plea to God to please take the hurt and anger away....to let me forgive this young doctor so I could move on and focus on the things that mattered.....you know what happened once I finally did that? Well I found out this was this doctors second day in the PICU..a resident is still learning and in Zeta's case most of us were constantly learning. I started to realize that doctors wouldn't devote so many hours of their lives in order to purposefully fail....there were a lot of things I started to realize....I realized the difference between true forgiveness and forgiving someone just bc we think we should or just to avoid conflict. True forgiveness doesn't mean that you agree with what happened or that you were never hurt, it simply means that you realize the emotion is out of your control and in order for you to move on you have to give up your own will and Give it to God just as Jesus said, 'Not my will but thine be done.'

We are weak and helpless in our own capacities. There's only one way that is Divine and right and true- and only one way to Heaven. You have to believe God is real, that Jesus died on the cross and rose again, and that we are imperfect sinners who only have to confess those sins in order to be forgiven. As we do this we find thT we desire to be more like God and when we make poor choices He deals with our hearts in such a way that we actively seek right from wrong. Does that mean we'll always make the right choices? No. Does it mean we have every reason to keep trying? Most definitely!

Why do we do these things???

Why do we create situations that hinder our true (or ETERNAL) happiness?

How do we fall into the trap of losing our focus and making poor choices?

I could write this post based on my own experiences or about the experiences of about a 100 others that I know.

You see, over 4 years ago I was in a pretty dangerous place. I'm not talking literally - I'm just talking about with my soul. When the world becomes our focus we lose sight of the One true focus. We fall into the trap of relying on other things or other people to make us happy. We forget where salvation lies. We forget where true peace resides. We forget the calm assurance and we seek the thrills. We seek what everyone else is searching for. We're on a mission to find the answers to life. The answers to being carefree and the answers to our description of true happiness.

For some people true happiness has the expectations of no boundaries and living life according to your own free will.....I take that back - I believe we ALL reach that point at some time. Most of the time we can put limits on these boundaries and we live as upstanding citizens. What happens when we let our guards down though?

Some people look for the escape from reality. You get tired of hurt and pain. You get tired of routine. You get tired of living in a glass house because you wonder if there is something more.....or maybe you're just scared to live in the glass house because you know it will crack.

I understand we're all imperfect. I preach this all the time. We all make mistakes. Since Adam and Eve our journey of sin took reign. We were created with free will. I get that too....I just don't always understand it....

I mean, I go through this constantly.....since Zeta and the moment that I was so broken and realized that absolutely no one could save me from my pain and no one could make her whole I felt a whole new commitment to God. I finally understood the TRUE meaning of a relationship with God. I got it. I had the peace that I was looking for for so long. In the midst of my most broken moments - in the most difficult situation I had ever encountered I finally knew what it meant to be held. I finally understood God's language. I wasn't just sitting there waiting for it to happen. I begged and pleaded for it to happen. I begged for God to take the pain from me and protect our family.

.....and he has.......through everything we have experienced. Through every hospital visit and through every seizure. Through every tear and through every sleepless night God protected me. I was able to see the goodness through the pain. I was able to hear God over the weeping of my soul. God protected me when I laid my baby on the stretcher for the last time....they wheeled her to a hearse instead of a hospital bed or operating room. Throughout every bit of it I was able to focus on God.

So why the difficulty now??

Why when things should be finally getting back to NORMAL does it all seem to be falling apart again?

It's like I moved my focus for a few days and BAM I'm afraid I forgot how to talk to God. My glass house is shattering all around me. Why am I so distracted? Why can't I just get it right? Why was it so easy to follow and listen in the moment that most felt I should be shaking my fists and giving up??

I'm the opportunist who believes in giving a good pep talk (and God talk) if I think someone needs it....funny thing is most of my pep talks are directly related to me. The things I need to be reminded to do (pray, have faith, etc) and the things that lead to eternal life and true freedom of your soul on earth.....

unfortunately, lately I've been feeling like a huge hypocrite.......because somehow I've lost my focus.....

For the first time in a very long time I sat through church tonight and heard almost nothing the preacher said........I constantly tried to tune in, but I found it so difficult as I was thinking over all of my own personal issues and how sometimes it just seems easier to give in rather than fight the devil......I don't get how I can be so strong in my convictions one day and then all of a sudden it seems everything blows with the wind....

....now before all the speculation begins I haven't done anything illegal or crazy like that.......I just can't find my focus......my eyes and heart, my soul, my being are being tried........

One minute I'm convincing myself that there's nothing wrong with setting aside my convictions for small things, then those small things become big things - then you just as well not even try because you're gonna mess up anyway, right?

Where does stuff like this even come from? How can you go from being so sure of everything you believe and knowing that God is the one true source to salvation and peace and happiness to assuming that you don't need to try so hard because you've got it all wrapped up. Aren't we taught that being a Christian doesn't guarantee an easy path? As a matter of fact quite the opposite could be true - consider Job (yes preacher I did listen a little tonight).

Sometimes I feel like Job. You don't have to jump in tell me that my life is nothing compared to Job - I know this already.

but....here's a BIG but - I get these thoughts - "I found God. I've done the right things. I was saved when I was 8. Several times in my life I was sure I had it all figured out - how to be the proper Christian, how to follow God correctly. For the past few years I KNOW that I've had a very true relationship with God. I withstood the biggest trial of my life - with peace in my heart. I deserve happiness all the time and if I make a poor choice I blame lapse of judgement on watching my daughter die for her whole life. This is the crap I tell myself. I convince myself that I am righteous. I convince myself that I will wear a crown because I'm saved....and because I deserve it. I convince myself that I DESERVE it. It's like an ticking time bomb in my head sometimes. Stevie and I have a disagreement and I fall apart because my daughter is up the road in a grave. I have a bad day, I fall apart because my baby is gone. I make a bad choice I blame it on all the hell I've been through. I forget to do something and I think to myself - heck other people can be sorry and forget stuff and nothing ever happens - at least I have an excuse, my daughter is dead. I watch people I love make poor choices and I fail to stand up and help them find the right way. Someone hurts my feelings and I crumble inside saying "you have absolutely no idea what I've seen and what I've been through." You can be happy and not give a crap about anyone else because YOUVE NEVER HAD TO FIGHT TO MAKE IT OUT OF HELL ON EARTH. Do you get the picture? every aspect of anything that is wrong leads me back to two things - I'VE ALREADY BEEN THROUGH HELL AND I DESERVE HEAVEN. THAT BECOMES MY FAULTY THINKING

I doubt it took you long to realize that the former paragraph is full of self-centered drama and nonsense. nearly 200 WORDS OF WORTHLESS UNWORTHY CRAP about my rightousness- but those are my honestly brutal feelings sometimes. Do you sense the anger? Do you feel the longing to just be normal and forget what actually brought me to be the person I am today.....

What you don't see so much there maybe is the guilt.

The guilt that I hold for feeling as if all my baby went through was somehow my fault. That God knew I couldn't truly see him until I was stripped of every possible part of my soul I wanted to claim as my own. That I would always have some small hold out or some things I would try to keep from him until I was brought completely on my knees and fell flat on my face and said I GIVE UP I CAN"T DO THIS YOU HAVE TO TAKE IT AND YOU HAVE TO FIX IT. The guilt of almost KNOWING that maybe it was my fault. That everything I watched her struggle through was created by me.....created by me because of any and every poor decision I made before she was ever even conceived. Created by me because I was her mother. Created by me because I deserved to be punished for all the sin I'd ever had in my life. Created by me due to poor choices.

Fast forward to after I was so broken that I was either going to die or God was going to save me and then you see another part.....the part that finally understood you have to actively seek God's face. The part that understood that you have to surround yourself with people that encourage you to do just that. The part that tells you that certain things are not good....the part that shows you what it's like to actually WANT to be more like God because you are so grateful that you are saved....because you finally get it.....because in the midst of the senseless you finally feel like you understand just a small part of what it's like to turn EVERYTHING over to GOD....

Then you go through the guilt again....sometimes when I share my experiences I become so overwhelmed by emotion because I see exactly what it took to get me to fully accept the gift God was offering. I was so overwhelmed by thinking of the sin in my life and how I wanted to rid myself of that and that is the moment I truly truly said Ok, it's yours. I didn't care what I had to give up I just wanted safety and assurance. I was finally willing to throw my hands up and say, "I don't care what it takes - make me whole."

The big problem is that since then I've tried so hard to be diligent, I've worked to make my choices align with what I believe He wants for my life. I've bordered on feeling accomplished in living life the right way....

Which is why all of a sudden it feels like I'm not and why all of a sudden I just find myself distracted and not focusing. It's like I just sat down a few days ago and said, Ok - I think I want to go back to my old life now. I don't like the responsibility of being somebody people look up to, I don't like being the mom who lost a child, I don't like putting forth the effort when it seems like so many other people don't. I just want to BE. I just want to exist......without baggage....without thoughts....without responsibility....without worry.

That's the big one, WORRY. I can't fix the world. I would like to, but I can't. I wanted to fix every one of Zeta's problems, but I couldn't. I wanted to fix myself, but I'm still broken. The devil creeps in and says so what....do whatever makes you feel good - don't worry about anything else. If you want to give up, then give up. If you want to skip devotions skip them. If you want to hide from the world hide. If you want to pretend you're on top of the world then do it. The little battles turn into big wars.

Everyday we battle the demons among us. The evil that lives inside us and the evil that lives in the people around us. Sometimes it's easy to throw our hands up in the air and walk away....to try to be something we're not.....to try to make a different life - a life that doesn't include the pain of our pasts. That's what the devil wants. He wants us to cave. He wants us to turn away. He wants us to fool ourselves into believing that some things just aren't worth the trouble.

I started this post knowing it was going to be brutal. knowing it would hurt....knowing I would bare my soul once again.... I started full of anger, guilt and hopelessness. I started full of fear. Fear of the idea that has been in my head that I shouldn't be preaching, teaching or telling anyone about Jesus because I'm so screwed up and I just needed to let the world know it - because then I could let myself off the hook....

but you see that's what the devil wants. He wants me to cave. He wants me to mess up. He wants me to give up the minute I venture toward temptation. He knows the path away from God often looks more glorious because we are blinded by our very own egos.

I can honestly say the distractions have been creeping in for a few days and that the past couple of days I have been totally blinded.... Distractions so huge that I couldn't sit still to focus on anything god was saying to me....things constantly put before me that I chose to ignore. Sitting in church and almost virtually waking to realize I had no clue what the preacher had said in the last five minutes....then looking over to see someone using their bible openly for the first time and knowing that there was a desire and thirst for God.....It was a wake up call that I almost missed because I was so focused on myself.....The journey and growth I've seen of my friend who has walked the spiritual journey kicking and screaming and shaking her fists at God - watching as her heart is opening and the walls are crumbling.....and realizing that as her heart opens mine was seemed to be closing......what a sad irony that would be.....what a great victory for death and evil....

So you know what, the devil doesn't win. I'm staking my claim - here, now and openly to you. I don't get to heaven because I claim to be saved. I don't get to heaven because I'm a good person. I don't get to heaven because of the hell I've been through. I get to heaven because God sent Jesus to die on the cross and I believe that to be true. I have sins - as a human I will always struggle with sin, but I confess those sins and put them in God's hands. I will fight the battles because the war has been won!