There's always a reason.
It's late, my computer is broken, I have to cook, I have to run, I'm tired....and the list goes on and on....
Maybe the real reason is that I'm afraid....
Maybe I'm afraid because every time I post a blog I leave a piece of me exposed.
Maybe I'm afraid because I'm afraid of what I will say....
Maybe I'm afraid because I listened in church when the preacher said "God wants you hot for Him or cold to Him....there's no in between."
Revelation 3
1“To the angels of the church in Sardis write:
These are the words of him who holds the seven spirits of God and the seven stars. I know your deeds; you have a reputation of being alive, but you are dead. 2Wake up! Strengthen what remains and is about to die, for I have found your deeds unfinished in the sight of my God. 3Remember, therefore, what you have received and heard; hold it fast, and repent. But if you do not wake up, I will come like a thief, and you will not know at what time I will come to you.
Maybe I'm afraid because I just read a text I needed to read today....
I just don't do well with pity parties. I tend to distance myself from them...Which is what I've done with you somewhat already.. Sorry, but it's the truth. I won't tolerate you dragging me down. I want you around me and as my friend, but, not like you are now. I will help you try to overcome things but when you don't help yourself, I'm done.
Some people may see that as an offensive message, but I know exactly what they were saying and I believe and accept it whole-heartedly.....because I know that negativity breeds negativity....I think that's part of how I came to where I am right now....
Maybe I'm afraid because I've managed to distance the most important people in my life and have actually kind of forgotten what it was like to really function and be Angel Brabham.
Angel wasn't glamorous, or rich, or beautiful, or famous.....Angel wasn't all that.....
......however, Angel wasn't all this either.....
At one time, Angel had a caring, humble heart.....family was the most important part of life......at one time, Angel knew what true peace and happiness was.....
For the past year and a half "finding Angel" has been very difficult.....what happened?
Who knows?
....and does it even really matter?
A lot of people give me a free pass.....or at least expected, maybe even predicted, that I would someday break.... I lost a child....after watching her fight so live for 3 hard years.....
That doesn't give me a pass....if anything that taught me what life SHOULD be, the things that DO matter, the PEOPLE that do matter....that God deserves my ALL...
....and for the first year or so after Zeta died it did.....
.....then something changed....
I don't know what....I don't know why....
I do know I don't like it.....
I do know I fought it....then I gave in to it.....and tried to fight it again.....
I tried to fight it again....read that I.....I tried to fight it.....
That's very likely why I'm still here....fighting....
I can't do it by myself.
I'm worn, exhausted, hurt, embarrassed. At times I feel alone and forsaken. All from things I've brought upon myself and the desire to run from reality....to escape pain....maybe not even that....maybe just not to feel at all.....
I've found myself giving up......
Giving up on things I wanted for myself, for my family, for my life.....
.....maybe not completely giving up in the eye and the mind of the people on the outside looking in....
...But in my eyes....I know that I have been who I should be in the eyes of God and I haven't given my heart and used my gifts in the way they were intended.....I know that I've held on to the negativity.... breeding negativity....I've shut out the light....I've been lukewarm.....I was doing ok and that was good enough....
.....or so I thought....
Ok is not good enough.....sitting around just waiting for something to happen.....running from reality....fighting the power of feeling emotions....those are all the things that cause us to sink.....
Shutting God out....trying to fool yourself (and everybody around you) that you're doing just fine....those things hold the anchor to the concrete block holding you down......
I need God....I need the positivity....I need forgiveness...I need love....I need understanding..... Maybe those are things I've been afraid to admit because I was mad and then I was just numb.....
I don't need pity....I don't need negativity....I don't need judgement.... I don't need a free pass.....
I need to put God back on top so all the other will fall into place....I don't remember that it was necessarily easier....I just remember my heart breaking less and feeling happier with who I was and where I stood in life....I remember making the connections of how I saw God intricately working...even when I wasn't really looking for it....I remember the peace.....
I've struggled with that too much lately.
It's time to take responsibility for myself, to forgive myself, to turn it all over to Him and let God have control again.....
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