My voice

I have a voice.

Sometimes I lose my voice.

I think it's been this way most of my life.

There are people who've come to know me during certain times of my life that view me as quiet and reflective. Others, well they have the privilege (or curse) of knowing the open, opinionated, and talkative Angel.

Don't be confused, I always have a lot to say....

Sometimes though, I'm cautious....

Sometimes it's because I'm afraid of judgement. Sometimes,it's just because I realize I don't know enough to speak or defend a certain opinion.

I hate to fail.

That's also been evident in my life. I'm not a perfectionist, but I just choose not to pursue things I don't think I can accomplish....maybe that's just being a coward.

A few years ago, I found my voice again....though I'm not sure it was so much MY voice or a voice I thought needed to be heard for Zeta (and the children and families desperately searching for someone in similar circumstances) or if it was a voice prompted by God's grace and mercy....blind faith and bull-headed determination....

Regardless, I lost that voice.

I can think of a million reasons why.

There's fear....

Fear of being ridiculed....of harping on my own personal circumstance....fear of inadvertently exposing or exploiting people in my blogs and with my words.....fear of exposing myself....

Yes, that's it....vulnerability....fear of people seeing inside my heart and soul.

Well, that's all good and well when my mind feels clear....when I'm able to rationally process thoughts....when I feel like I'm living to the best of my human ability to live like Christ.

It's completely different when I feel ashamed.....ashamed because I know I've made poor choices....ashamed because I hurt people out of confusion---or worse, selfishness. It's different when I feel like hiding for fear of exposing my own faults.

I've never considered myself a malicious, vengeful or spiteful person. I don't think many people would openly admit to being such.

However, there have been times I've been called out...times someone has taken note of my faults...time when people have gently (and not so gently) pointed out my sins. All of that can make you feel shameful.

I've found, though, that I can feel shame when someone else points it out....but when I realize my own shortcomings and admit where I've fallen that's another level....that's more than embarrassment and shame. That's broken guilt and remorse. there's a desire to run...run far away and hide....hide from people I hurt....from people that think somehow I should do better and be better because of how vocal I've been about my commitment and faith in God....I think above all that, it's a fear of God viewing me differently...a fear that I'm not good enough...

Well, that's probably a pretty big slap in the face to my Lord. I mean He is the God of GRACE and MERCY. He is the definition of FORGIVENESS.....

But you know what happens? Satan convinces me I'm not good enough...that because I'm not good enough I shouldn't have a voice...I shouldn't share my blessings and talk about God's glory...it's just not place...granted, it's not an audible voice from lucifer, himself, telling me this....instead, it's my own thoughts racing in my head...

Those thoughts have been winning....winning way too much.....

What probably started as growing resentment exploded into full blown loss of much logical and rational thinking.

This was very well illustrated in a sermon at church last night. The pastor painted a poignant illustration of the nazis and how twisted their thought processes grew until it reached unfathonable levels of cruelty. The nazis didn't wake up one day and decide they wanted to be monstrous murders. It all began with a seed of them believing their people were better than other people. Sadly, we all know where those seemingly non-threatening thoughts led.

I can see the similar things happening in my own life the past couple of years. I didn't wake up one day and decide to quit speaking about my faith. I didn't plan on making so many of the choices I have....I didn't plan on trying to escape reality or give up being the wife and mother I'd always envisioned and hoped I would be....I didn't plan on shutting out the people closest to me and silently imploding....

....but once it started...once the first person called me out...I fought years of resentment from how I felt certain people had hurt me....I fought a sense of entitlement from feeling like I paid my dues and that no one understood...I fought feelings of inadequacy... Like I had tried to do everything the right way and had nothing to show for it....it often led back to saying....well I tried...but my baby is still gone....

Every single thing that happened or caused me trouble...it all ended with that thought...well I was the best wife and mother I could be for as long as I could remember...I worked even harder as a mother for zeta but that didn't change the outcome. It ultimately ends in me feeling sorry for myself. It might be what some call a crutch or excuse.

I felt guilty. I felt unappreciated for the years I had spent being a wife and mother before zeta. I never wanted to admit that, but it was a slow, ticking time bomb within my soul....it went on so long and so quietly in the background that I never even really acknowledged it.

Until....

Until, I lost my cool...

Until I let my guard down.

Until I bought into all the false beliefs I was silently telling myself.

We all have experiences that change us. Sometimes, it's a loud, instantly life altering moment. A diagnosis...a loss...an unimaginable event that creates pain and sorrow and inexplicable grief....

More often than not...it's the little experiences and how we deal ...or choose not to deal...with those experiences and the impact they have on us.

I've been told more than once that I'm naive...that people don't love and care in the same way that I did...maybe that's true....

I know when I'm dealing with my own shortcomings and fighting myself I also view other people a little more unforgiving and uncaring....

Working in education and having a strong psychology background, I can spew off a myriad of acronyms and labels...you can bet that if you're not acting in a way I think is "normal" I'm scanning my mind for a reason and a label...don't worry, I've come up with a pretty exhaustive list for myself too...

See, once I figured out I wasn't normal either I decided there are only two labels that matter....SAVED or LOST. Everything else is pretty irrelevant in the big picture.

Life isn't fair. There's always going to be someone or something to drag you down. The choice is up to you as in how you let it change you. Will you lay down and let it overcome you or will you stand up and fight?

I love a feel good sermon or inspirational message as much as the next person...

Unfortunately, life is not a feel good fairy tale...life is full of challenges, drama, hatred, lies, and heartache....

The flip side of all that is there's a price that was paid a very long time ago....

It was paid on a cross full of Perceived shame, defeat, and loss....it prevailed with grace, mercy, love, life and forgiveness.

I put my faith in that.

Life is gonna knock me down again, I have no doubt. There are gonna be times I fail, and times I succumb to what the fallen one wants....

Just like tonight...I skipped the last night of revival....because I felt dizzy...nauseous...maybe I was scared....scared of breaking down and letting go...scared of saying yes to what God is telling me to do...

Turns out I still couldn't hide. I spent that time in reflection and again contemplating my purpose....

I still don't know the definitive answer. I don't know what's in store for me...I don't know when I'll fail again...I don't know when I'll feel like running and trying to hide...but for now...for now, I'm sure I have a voice.

I'm sure it's in my calling to continue to expose my own raw thoughts and emotions in order to glorify Him.

I might fail tomorrow or next week....but I'm hanging my faith on the cross that stood to offer a path to save me.