Imposter Beware

Imposter Syndrome.

I've been tossing this around in my head for a while now.

I think it's a pretty accurate sentiment about how I would describe myself.

If you've followed much of my blog you understand that I fight a lot with always understanding my "purpose" or trying to figure out exactly what my life should be since the death of my daughter three years ago.

3 years.

THREE YEARS.

In just a few weeks it will be three years since my little girl took her last earthly breath and transitioned into a world I have yet to encounter.

Three years. Some days it seems so long ago....and yet others it seems as though it could have been just yesterday.

...but I digress.

This imposter syndrome thing....well, to be honest, I've had it most of my life....Well, at least the life where I started to care much about what other people thought about me....

I'm pretty sure it started when I was 5.

I guess that's the first time I remember someone calling me "fat, but nice." Hmmmm.....if I couldn't be pretty then I would be nice....only I didn't always feel so nice....but being nice made people happy....so was I really a nice person? Do you follow me here? This is when I first dealt with "imposter syndrome".


Oh, I've dealt with it a lot over the years. I was labeled smart....but I worried people would find out I really wasn't. I was labeled a dingy blond...but I knew I was smart (maybe)....I just played around to make people laugh (well, most of the time)......I was labeled athletic and strong....only thing is..a lot of the times I just went as hard as I could....I really didn't know what I was doing. I felt like a lot of the opportunities in life afforded to me were only given to me because of who I was - like my family, where I came from....or because I was nice......or maybe it was just good luck or good genes.....I was only pretty because my parents or friends said I was pretty....if you're a girl you're called pretty, right?....but I wasn't like the girls in the magazines..... I wasn't so sure I deserved all (or sometimes any) of the good things people came to expect from or of me.

So you understand this imposter syndrome thing now? It's like you're living your life and you're afraid people will find out who you "really" are - (which you aren't even sure of who that might be) and then your life will be ruined...... and you'll have no friends and you'll lose everything.....and you won't know who to be....or how to act....and you'll write horrible run-on sentences that make your English teacher cringe.....

Evidently, imposter syndrome is something a lot of people feel.....look it up!

Our identities are so hinged on acceptance and success that we're bound to not feel good enough at atleast some point!

I can honestly say there was one time in my life I won the battle against imposter syndrome.

Zeta.

Yep, the hardest days of my life were also some of the happiest. The most unsure moments of my life were defined by a force propelled by something than my own soul.......It took a few weeks...or maybe a few months....but once I 'figured' it out I knew what I was supposed to do and exactly how to do it. I understood pain and mercy, love and grace, and so many other things....I understood that my mission was to be a mother, to pray fervently, and to exude hope beyond a magnitude I had never known. I never once worried about whether or not people believed that I was a mother....or that I prayed....or that I had the highest hopes in my heart.....

Wasn't my job to worry about that....

Didn't have time to worry about it.

Now?

My life has an obvious split point.

Life before Zeta.....and life after Zeta.

That's not to say that everything before or after Zeta is not important....

...but it's how I define a lot of things....

Life after Zeta has been....well...let's say..hmm.... an IMPOSTER SYNDROME NIGHTMARE!@#$%!

Wouldn't it be great if we could always live without feeling like an imposter??? .....like everyday was the most important day ever and could be our last?......living everyday like we know our purpose, our destiny...our meaning in life......

Today, I say to heck with that little voice that says I'm not good enough....not smart enough...not pretty enough...not nice enough..... not ________________ (you fill in the blank enough)......

I'm not an imposter - I was created by God. I'm real, I'm human. I hurt and I've been hurt. I have fears and I have dreams. I forgive and I am forgiven.

God sent His Son to show us we are good enough.....instead of worrying about people finding out you're not really who they think you are - how about focusing on all the wonderful traits God invested in you...

When your focus is on Him there's little time to worry about anything else....

and the bonus?

Well, let's just say --- He made you pretty perfect:)


As for God, his way is perfect: The Lord's word is flawless; he shields all who take refuge in him.