Letting God back In

Grief happens in about a million ways.

Just look around.

March to May always seems the hardest. Zeta was born in March. Three years later, she died in May. Perhaps its not harder....maybe I just reflect more....or take time to either actually feel my thoughts - or run away from them....maybe both..A tumultuous journey of ....well, feeling. No more running...just feeling...and dealing with it.

I think about my grandmoma, who lost her oldest son last year. (His birthday was just this week.) I can't begin to wrap my head around that. Your. Grown. Child. Your hard-working, full of quiet personality grown-up child. A person you've known and loved longer than most anybody else in the world. I can understand at least a piece of that, but certainly not in the same way my grandmoma feels and experiences it. Logical human reasoning tells us that our children should not die before us.....I've seen how much that grief has changed her. We can blame it all on old age. I mean she has a few years on 90....but I know where her mind is...It's tired, it's hurting, it feels broken.

I think about my mom, who lost her brother. They were 12 years apart, so I'm sure, in some ways, maybe he seemed more like a father figure when she was younger. Maybe they didn't always see eye-to-eye.... just like my sister and me (and 99.9% of all siblings).... but he was her brother.

I think about my closest cousin who lost her dad. A pain I don't even want to begin to understand. The expected order of life is that our parents will pass on before us....but where does that leave us?

I think about the thoughts that must surely flow through their minds. I wonder if they feel normal. I question what normal even really means.

Loss impacts us in ways we could never imagine. It can strengthen your faith or crack your soul....perhaps a little of both...depending on the moment.

If I thought I was normal before Zeta died, then I often question if I'll ever feel normal again.....Grief pushes your mind to places you never knew existed...places you wish to never visit again...and places you can't seem to escape...on the other hand it can force you to examine yourself, your strength, your faith. It can cause you to break in ways you never dreamed possible and make you question your trust in everything around you...your trust in yourself....maybe even your trust in God.....

....but God understands that....He created us....He knows we are imperfect....He knows...He just knows. The most wonderful thing is He is always there. HE never gives up.

The first year after Zeta died, I felt at peace. I knew God was there and I felt my place in life. After that, Satan slowly crept into my life. I began to question my capability as a mother, a wife - a functioning person in society. I questioned my purpose. I questioned my worth. I struggled with all sorts of addictions...if you know anything about addictions, you know that not all involve drugs...addictions (simply) involve actions or habits. Some even seem healthy....some not so much.....BUT if you're using your actions, habits, things, whatever - to fill a void or escape feelings....well...then its an addiction. Without even realizing it, I was determined to run away or destroy my life. Slowly, I've found balance...some days I feel almost like a normal person....and some days...well, I might just feel disconnected.

Grief....and addictions can poison your body. I've been there too. Whether health woes manifest from stress and anxiety or an unnamed autoimmune response has yet to be determined....but it's real.

Now, put the grief of 4 very different individuals in one house. Sometimes, we hold the grief in for fear of making someone else hurt. Sometimes the pain of grief comes out as anger towards people who love us most....but sometimes grief gives you awesome perspective on just how precious life really is....

I worry.

I worry about my boys - the fact that they're teenagers now....and they've had this front row seat on a journey they never asked for or even saw coming....I am amazed at how resilient they have been and fear the things that they keep stuffed inside. I worry that me being wrapped in my own grief -and decisions I've made- will one day cause their own brokenness.

I worry about Stevie. Sometimes it is easy to forget that he lost a child too. Sometimes I get so wrapped in my own head...needing and wanting my own things...that I forget.

It sounds awful...it is awful.

.....BUT

It is also amazing....and....incredible....

IF you have GOD....IF you have FAITH.


With God All Things Are Possible.

With God, life on earth is not eternal.

With God, Love is gracious, and wonderful, and merciful.

With God, we can beat life....and grief...and death.

During (and after) Zeta's short life I witnessed, first-hand, God's everlasting grace, and strength and mercy. I knew a peace unsurpassed. A peace so unexplainable that all I wanted to do was share it with others. With God, I truly understood the meaning of "All things are possible." I knew....and I know. God has courage when mine is gone. God has understanding when I have questions. God has love when my heart feels bitter. God is everything.

What's frustrating is I know this....I truly, honestly, 1,000 percent know this....and I still fail. I've failed in so many ways that I sometimes question how God still loves me and blesses me in the way that he does. What's frustrating is the fog in my brain, the searching for purpose....the constant thoughts in my head....when I know God is peace.

I let God back in...What's reassuring is HE never left...