change

Change can be scary. I don't think anyone can argue with that.

Change can also be exciting.

Change can be something we desire, something we didn't see coming or something we don't like very much....but still...any way you put it...change is scary!

I feel like my life has been full of changes for the past seven years. What's funny though is how I can sometimes see just a glimpse of God's plans after things have changed. I've often stood amazed at God's timing and how life works....how things often come full circle...even when it seems it would never end up that way.

When I was put on bed-rest in January 2010, I didn't really have any idea that within the next few months I would be resigning from the career I loved so much - a job I felt I was called to do. I had no idea that a sweet baby girl would steal our hearts and change our lives forever. I had no idea of all the challenges we had yet to face.

After Zeta died in 2013, I felt I found another true calling in life (which doesn't seem to happen often)....we helped continue the idea of Team Zeta (started by family and friends) as a mission to serve sick and special needs families and their children and families......and my friend and I took on our own personal missions to "save the world" by spreading the word of Jesus. I loved being able to tell others our story and witness about all the wonderful things that God had orchestrated in our lives....and she enjoyed being the manager, cheerleader, and P.R. director (at least she acted like she enjoyed it :p)..... It gave me a purpose and calling...a way to deal with the grief and also a way to help others.

Within a couple of months I had a couple of job offers and I went back to work. That's what people do. They get on with life and try to get back to "normal" after death. I went to work at AJA. Though my title was the same (school counselor) - the setting was different. I was working with a different group of children in a different atmosphere....but I loved it. I liked the family atmosphere and being able to work through difficulties with older children. I liked being able to openly witness in the school setting.

October 2014 - I heard the sad news that Anita passed away unexpectedly. Anita was the sweetest soul you'd ever meet. She was one of my peer observers during my first year teaching in Barnwell, and she taught my oldest child in elementary school. She even came to visit us in Arizona when Zeta had brain surgery (she was close by on vacation). She always had the brightest smile....seemed forever happy....and never had a bad word to say about anyone...and no one ever had a bad thing to say about her either! Anita was also the person who became school counselor after I resigned. So, January 2015....under bittersweet circumstances, I returned to my passion as school counselor at Barnwell Primary School. Few people can say they have the opportunity to return to "life as they knew it". I realized right away how God had somehow brought all of this together. I still don't understand the whys or all of the ins and outs....but Anita was the perfect person to fill the role of school counselor....the reasons and timing of why I left were not of my own choosing and I knew in my mind I would never be able to return to the same position...people just don't leave this job....she was meant to be there for a purpose.....The first day I walked into the office I remember just sitting there.....dumbfounded. I questioned why my little girl....why Anita... why death...and at the same time I was so grateful that I was back to where I felt I belonged. I ended up writing a lengthy letter to Anita's mom... ..pouring out my heart....sharing my soul....and hoping I could offer at least a little comfort to her. There's a connection you have as a mom who has lost a child....it's not a club that you want to belong to...you don't even ever have to say anything...but there is a connection.

I have to admit, I was a little nervous about going back to my old job. I mean, Anita was a class-act. You know, those people that no one can compare? Well, it wasn't like that. Everyone welcomed me with open arms. Just about all the teachers were the same friends I left a few years before. The biggest difference was the administration. Not one administrative person was the same! I was quite worried about how I would fit in.....thankfully, my insecurities were quickly laid to rest and even my new administration felt comfortable and familiar. I knew I was back to where I belonged.

A big thing that changed during all of this time was my drive and mission to share our story with others. Granted, much of it had to do with slipping back into worldly ways and not reflecting and listening as much to God....I mean...when Zeta was alive and in the few months after she died that's all I did.... I prayed...I reflected...I prayed some more...I wrote...I shared...I reached out....because it helped me heal....and because I had so much to tell about all the ways we were blessed. The more I worked and fell back into "real life" the less I prayed, reflected, and shared. It wasn't on purpose.....and no one caused it....I guess maybe I just couldn't quite figure out how to balance my "old" life and "present" life.

So many things have changed in the past 7 years....and things continue to change all the time....Just when I think I have it figured out, I realize there's a whole lot I don't know or understand. I know that I love my life and I am appreciative of every opportunity given to me so far. I know there are so many things I wish I could change, but I also realize that I don't understand God's whole plan. I understand that God calls us to do certain things....and I know that I don't always want to listen....I also know that sometimes I worry about whether I'm doing what God calls me to do or what I want to do....

No wonder change is so scary....I can look back and see that some decisions I've made were absolutely on-point and in line with God's direction in my life....other decisions - well, let's just say...not so much! The best I can do is pray and have the faith that God protects me.

So.... with all of this talk about change, I just wanted to let you know this.....I feel God has led me in a different direction in my life and has given me the opportunity to share our story in a different light. In the next few weeks, I will, again, walk away from a job I love.....I'll miss hugging all my school babies and seeing their smiling faces....... but what I hope to do will be just as rewarding...share a story of hope with the medical community and the community as a whole. I will be working with Hospice Care of South Carolina as an educator/advocate/community liaison....I'll have the opportunity to share our story and experience first-hand!

I'm sure I'll be sharing more about exactly what all it entails as I figure it out myself. Just pray for me. Pray for my family as we embark on yet another change <3