It's relatively easy to be an advocate when you're advocating on behalf of
mistreated children or people that are dying.....
Why? Well, because everyoneunderstands it's for a noble cause.
Heck - people even find cause to praise you.
What about when you're advocating for things that the majority of people can't
agree on?
Well......let's just say that it's not so easy.
This past week has been.....mmmmm.... a little overwhelming.
I've said quite a few times before, I realize that because I speak out on certain things that I make myself quite the
target..... I think the absolute hardest part of it all is balancing what God
wants and desires versus what I want or what the people around me want.
You see
- what I want is to please EVERYBODY......ALL THE TIME.....
Now, add that to the
fact that I say I want to ADVOCATE for people..... .....or that I want to
advance change......
.....well those two things don't exactly always mix very
well together....
For those of you that don't know, I've become pretty involved
in local politics. Don't fret, I'm not a politician. I'm not running for office
and I've just about solidified the idea that I never will.....
Scary part is, I
think I'm making myself just as much a target as those sitting in charge (or
maybe even more) - at least when you're a politician you have at least one solid
group of people that have your back.
Unfortunately, when you're asking questions
you're bound to upset EVERYBODY.
I pointed this out to County Council the other
night - I told them I wasn't going to stand there and act like it wasn't awkward
that I had managed to upset or tick off every one of them - even though that has
never been my intent.
I left my office the other day several hours after I had
finished my work.
Why? Well, because I was busy trying to make sure I was
listening to concerns........ and following up with people who I may have
inadvertantly upset.......and researching ...
When I got home I was just so overwhelmed. I told Stevie, "I feel just like I
did when I spent all those days in the hospital with Zeta." My connection to the
world was through the internet and the rest of my day was always spent
researching diagnoses, treatments, doctors, insurance, etc. etc.
I was trying to
figure out how to "FIX" it, all by myself......only that's not how it works.
There is no magic button. There is no magic pill. There is no magic potion.
.....and I already know this....
.....yet, I go in full speed like I can make an
instant change or discover something that no one else has yet discovered and
then all will be well and everyone will live happily ever after.....
I
frequently print scripture and put it in places I see on a daily basis.
Some I
have printed right now-
Romans 12:2 - And be not conformed to this world: but be
ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what [is] that
good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.
Job 34:12 Of a truth, God will
not do wickedly, and the Almighty will not pervert justice.
John 17:17 “Sanctify
them by the truth; your word is truth.”
1 John 4:1 “Dear friends, do not believe
every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God, because
many false prophets have gone out into the world.”
James 1:5 “But if any of you
lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all generously and without
reproach, and it will be given to him.”
1 Peter 5:8 ESV Be sober-minded; be
watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking
someone to devour.
I struggle with why I feel inclined to keep looking into how
to help make things better in our county. I struggle with things that I say and
praying on whether or not it is God's will or my own.
As a matter of fact, I had
an all out temper tantrum with God just the other day. I'm not talking just "No
God I don't want to do this." I'm talking stomping my feet, shaking, crying -
scratch that - inconsolably sobbing and mentally screaming to God - "NO! I'm
done! I can't stand up to criticism. I want people to LIKE me. I don't want to
ask any more questions. I'm ready to move on to the next thing."
Do I sound a
little crazy to you yet?????
What makes it even more of a struggle is that there
have been plenty of other times I "thought" (or maybe REASONED) God was telling
me something and I had it absolutely all wrong.....
What makes it even worse is
the fact that not only have I been very vocal in this whole political
arena............I've also been very vocal about my FAITH AND GOD.
So......that
means, any one thing I screw up could nullify
every single thing I've said about God to any one person that is
watching me.
Ya'll......
It feels like the hardest burden some days.
So......I'm
yelling - I can't do it. I'm not perfect. I don't know all the stuff I'm
supposed to know. I want people to be happy. I have skeletons in my closet.
People are gonna attack me. I want positivity and happy endings and all I'm
finding is more questions. Somebody else would be better....somebody with a
bigger back bone than me...... No, God....I don't want to..... God....are you
really asking me to do this....or am I making this complicated and I can just
stop now and go back to "normal"?
Then I'm reminded that Satan uses every doubt
to hold us back from proclaiming God's glory. Whether or not God wants me
advocating for my neighbors or if it is self- motivated - that part I'm still
contininually praying over..
..but the part about telling you about how great God
is and the fact that He needs to be in every thing that we do.....well that part
- THAT PART is non-negotiable for me. He saved me from an eternity of feeling
burdened, broken, and defeated - so for that, I owe Him EVERYTHING and SO MUCH
MORE!!!
A journey of life, death, love.....
Sunday, November 22, 2020
Tuesday, November 10, 2020
No more hurt
My heart hurts.
It hurts because kids are killing kids. It hurts because people
die too soon.
It hurts because people think if I disagree with them it means I
hate them.
It hurts because I see so many hurting. Kids killing kids......some
of them were mine. Maybe I taught them (or some like them) .....Maybe I fought
for them, maybe I loved them, maybe I cried with their moms and grandmas. Why
does it have to be like that? Why does Satan get to step in and convince these
kids that gangs symbolize brotherhood, sisterhood, and unity? It’s just a
trap....yet the longing to be a part of something.....anything....leads so many
astray.
...and people die too soon..... not just from gang violence, but from
all sorts of things.....
How do you explain to a mom who lost her grown son that God really does have some sort of plan in the midst of the most dreadful days of
her life. How do you convince her that it’s ok to be upset, mad, sad and confused .......but just not to stay there? Life isn’t easy. Truth isn’t always pretty. Your “truth” might be different from my “truth,” but facts are
facts.....Just because we view things differently doesn’t mean one of us is
better than the other. It doesn’t mean I wish you ill or harm. It simply means
we view things differently. My sin might be different from your sin....but sin
is sin. There is no hierarchy.
Family is everything.......only sometimes I
forget this. Sometimes I get so fixated on how the world hurts that I forget
that those closest to me might hurt sometimes too. I forget that I
hurt....really, it’s not that I forget......maybe it’s just that sometimes it
easier to focus on all the hurt around so I don’t think about my own....
......ever felt like that? ......like you want to fix everything....but you have
no idea where to start? .......like you failed at fixing your own things so you
have no business worrying about fixing anything else?
The world is full of
hurt....so much so that my head nor heart can imagine it all....
...but the one thing I don’t have to imagine is God’s love.... He’s proven it over and
over....
...when I’ve been mad, sad, and glad....and especially when my heart
hurts.... I can’t imagine how His heart hurt to send His Son to die on the
cross....to SEE Him BECOME SIN...to see every bad and unimaginable thing we
could ever do- all at once put into Jesus’ body....in order to save us from an
eternity of hurting hearts.
So, when my heart hurts I find comfort in knowing anything I experience or feel is NOTHING compared to what Jesus experienced on
the cross...to SAVE me...and to SAVE you.....
Wow.
Just....wow.
Psalm 94:19 When
I worried about many things, your assuring words soothed my soul.
Saturday, October 3, 2020
Just Show Up
Wednesday, August 26, 2020
Thankfulness
Thankfulness - I'm sure I've written about this before.
Only....only it's often too easy to forget what thankfulness is truly all about.
Sometimes it's easy to see what we have to be thankful for. Like when we make it through a difficult
situation and see the stamina that brought us through.....or when we see a
friend mourn the loss of her husband - a child mourn the loss of their
father....or watch a parent mourn the loss of a child...... It's easy to be
thankful when all the bad things in life aren't happening to us...... Is
it easy to be that thankful when people just don't seem to cooperate? Is
it easy to be thankful when we're hurt, angry, triggered? Is it easy to
be thankful when our patience is worn thin, when the days are long and
the problems never-ending?
Is it ever easy?
Is it easy to actually feel blessed in the mess? Is it easy to have a heart of
joy and thankfulness when the
darkness, the loss & hurt, or the greed & envy show up -----is it easy to
be thankful then? The short answer is no. ......and if we're being honest, the
long answer is often no too. Sadly, the act of thankfulness appears to be more
of a rarity than the norm. If we were all intentional about being thankful then
maybe....just maybe.....our hearts would be softer, our tones more
loving, our beliefs just as strong - but our words more carefully chosen.
If we were all intentional about being constantly thankful then those hard times
would force us to look to the One who knows far more than we can
ever understand....If we were all intentional about being more thankful then the
hurts wouldn't sting as bad, and we wouldn't take the triggers as
personally.....and we could have conversations that move us toward healing. If
we were more intentional about being thankful, it wouldn't take heartache to
bring us to our knees. We'd humble our hearts and remember....truly
remember....ALL the blessings we are given every day.
Blessings in the heartache, in the differences, in the trials, in the triggers,
and the unknowns. If we concentrate on being thankful, we realize there's so
much more to life than feeling like we're fighting an uphill battle. We might be
in an actual spiritual battle with the devil every day of our lives, but guess
what, JESUS already won the WAR - the day he said “Father, forgive them; for
they do not know what they are doing.” Luke 23:34 "You shall be with Me in
Paradise.” Luke 23:43 “It is finished!” John 19:30 Wow, now just imagine all we
have to look forward to - (and in the meantime let's be THANKFUL:).
There's so much we have left to do! “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy,
peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness,
self-control.” (Galatians 5:22)
Thursday, July 23, 2020
Communication
Communication
Communication. This has been my unintentional theme word for the week.
It all started Saturday. I engaged in some very difficult conversation with someone very close to me. I initially reached out to this person via text and shared some thoughts. She came to see me and reminded me that encountering issues head on, face to face, is often the best route. Our meeting picked at old wounds and scratched the surface of things neither of us may have even realized were issues. There were points we disagreed on and instances where one and/or both of us weren’t able to effectively communicate and/or receive what the other was saying. However, when it was all said and done we were able to hug each other and confirm the love we have for one another. There may always be issues that come between us and Satan will likely continue to try use the trap of convincing us our battle is flesh against flesh, but deep down we both realize all the things we have faced together and the fact that this type of conflict is not God’s desire.
That night, like the night before, I had trouble sleeping. I found myself looking to God’s word for comfort. I went straight to Ephesians 6 because I knew I needed the reminder.
10
Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power.
11
Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes.
12
For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.
13
Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.
14
Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place,
15
and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace.
16
In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one.
17
Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.
18
And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.
19
Pray also for me, that whenever I open my mouth, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel
As I studied the scripture and look at all my scribbles and notes I noticed 3 simple words I had written at some other point in time. “Pray to communicate.”
So many issues she and I tried to sort through had to do with communication. As a matter of fact, EVERY issue had to do with communication.
So.....I asked God - what is it I should communicate. I mean, I know communication is best way to any resolution.....but hey, I feel like I’m a decent communicator.....but still those words glared back at me. “Pray to communicate.”
What exactly did God want me to communicate?
I haphazardly turned to 2nd Corinthians 10:1-2
Now I, Paul, appeal to you with the gentleness and kindness of Christ—though I realize you think I am timid in person and bold only when I write from far away.
It was obvious for me to gather that it may have been pointing out that I, like Paul, am much more bold in writing than speaking. While I have no argument against that, I still felt that wasn’t all that God needed me to gather. After reading and reading those 2 verses for some time I finally moved to verses 3-5. 3 For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does.(4 The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. 5 We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.
So the next morning I reached out to her and others that I felt like I had failed in with communication. I expressed sorrow for my part in causing hurt feelings and also prayed over the hurt of those I love and my own hurt.
It’s much easier to love someone when you realize it’s not the actual person you’re fighting but the spiritual forces of evil.
The following day Stevie and I visited a different church and y’all, I can’t make this stuff up- the opening sentiment for the service? “Our communication.” The scripture focused on Mark 12:13-17. It’s the account of how Jesus addresses a question about taxes to Caesar in which the Pharisees attempt to catch Jesus being a hypocrite. The bulk of the sermon included the fact that we, as Christians, are called to be the salt and the light. We are called to be “different than the world” in communicating- and in every other aspect of life.
The pastor further referenced Ecclesiastes 5:2
“Do not be quick with your mouth, do not be hasty in your heart to utter anything before God.”
Oh how I need to work on this at times.
Y’all that message was for ME!
Every scripture reference I went home and studied-
Galatians 4:6, James 1:9, Proverbs 25:11, Galatians 2:11-13, Ephesians 4:25
Every. Bit. Of. It. Every bit of it meant for me. Meant for my need to focus on communicating in the way God intends for me to.
I fail every day at communication. Even when I “think” I’m doing something to communicate effectively. I tend to over communicate. (Just look at the length of this post already). My sincere hope is to effectively communicate my thoughts and feelings while understanding the other persons- all while remembering that God should be at the center of it all.
Stevie recently told me that he was worried I was opening myself up to public ridicule and criticism with some of the things I post....well if you go back through anything I’ve ever posted you’ll see that I’ve easily made myself a target at times. The only thing I can tell him is that I am human therefore I know I have (and will) fail. I also know I am God’s child and as long as I seek to live by and understand His ways I am ultimately protected by God through Eternal life.
Have I ever failed? You betcha! Every. Single. Day. I know that sometimes my willingness to communicate and my evidence of over communication opens me up to personal attack. When and if that time comes I pray that I still rely on God’s comfort, hope, and truth to acknowledge my shortcomings and still keep going.
In any case, I know that God’s lesson for me this week....and perhaps in time to come is “pray to communicate” so that is what I’ll continue to seek to do.
Communication. This has been my unintentional theme word for the week.
It all started Saturday. I engaged in some very difficult conversation with someone very close to me. I initially reached out to this person via text and shared some thoughts. She came to see me and reminded me that encountering issues head on, face to face, is often the best route. Our meeting picked at old wounds and scratched the surface of things neither of us may have even realized were issues. There were points we disagreed on and instances where one and/or both of us weren’t able to effectively communicate and/or receive what the other was saying. However, when it was all said and done we were able to hug each other and confirm the love we have for one another. There may always be issues that come between us and Satan will likely continue to try use the trap of convincing us our battle is flesh against flesh, but deep down we both realize all the things we have faced together and the fact that this type of conflict is not God’s desire.
That night, like the night before, I had trouble sleeping. I found myself looking to God’s word for comfort. I went straight to Ephesians 6 because I knew I needed the reminder.
10
Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power.
11
Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes.
12
For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.
13
Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.
14
Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place,
15
and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace.
16
In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one.
17
Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.
18
And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.
19
Pray also for me, that whenever I open my mouth, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel
As I studied the scripture and look at all my scribbles and notes I noticed 3 simple words I had written at some other point in time. “Pray to communicate.”
So.....I asked God - what is it I should communicate. I mean, I know communication is best way to any resolution.....but hey, I feel like I’m a decent communicator.....but still those words glared back at me. “Pray to communicate.”
What exactly did God want me to communicate?
I haphazardly turned to 2nd Corinthians 10:1-2
Now I, Paul, appeal to you with the gentleness and kindness of Christ—though I realize you think I am timid in person and bold only when I write from far away.
It was obvious for me to gather that it may have been pointing out that I, like Paul, am much more bold in writing than speaking. While I have no argument against that, I still felt that wasn’t all that God needed me to gather. After reading and reading those 2 verses for some time I finally moved to verses 3-5. 3 For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does.(4 The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. 5 We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.
So the next morning I reached out to her and others that I felt like I had failed in with communication. I expressed sorrow for my part in causing hurt feelings and also prayed over the hurt of those I love and my own hurt.
It’s much easier to love someone when you realize it’s not the actual person you’re fighting but the spiritual forces of evil.
The following day Stevie and I visited a different church and y’all, I can’t make this stuff up- the opening sentiment for the service? “Our communication.” The scripture focused on Mark 12:13-17. It’s the account of how Jesus addresses a question about taxes to Caesar in which the Pharisees attempt to catch Jesus being a hypocrite. The bulk of the sermon included the fact that we, as Christians, are called to be the salt and the light. We are called to be “different than the world” in communicating- and in every other aspect of life.
The pastor further referenced Ecclesiastes 5:2
“Do not be quick with your mouth, do not be hasty in your heart to utter anything before God.”
Oh how I need to work on this at times.
Y’all that message was for ME!
Every scripture reference I went home and studied-
Galatians 4:6, James 1:9, Proverbs 25:11, Galatians 2:11-13, Ephesians 4:25
I fail every day at communication. Even when I “think” I’m doing something to communicate effectively. I tend to over communicate. (Just look at the length of this post already). My sincere hope is to effectively communicate my thoughts and feelings while understanding the other persons- all while remembering that God should be at the center of it all.
Stevie recently told me that he was worried I was opening myself up to public ridicule and criticism with some of the things I post....well if you go back through anything I’ve ever posted you’ll see that I’ve easily made myself a target at times. The only thing I can tell him is that I am human therefore I know I have (and will) fail. I also know I am God’s child and as long as I seek to live by and understand His ways I am ultimately protected by God through Eternal life.
Have I ever failed? You betcha! Every. Single. Day. I know that sometimes my willingness to communicate and my evidence of over communication opens me up to personal attack. When and if that time comes I pray that I still rely on God’s comfort, hope, and truth to acknowledge my shortcomings and still keep going.
In any case, I know that God’s lesson for me this week....and perhaps in time to come is “pray to communicate” so that is what I’ll continue to seek to do.
Thursday, March 26, 2020
Fear
I keep pushing it back.
It keeps resurfacing.
Basically, the whole world is living like I lived for 3 years with Zeta.
Fear.
Fear of germs. Fear of the unknown. Fear that you’re not getting the whole story. Fear that you’re not doing enough. Fear that you’re neglecting your ‘normal’ duties. Fear of how it might end.
At some point you cave to the fear or you fully surrender to God.
I’m not talking a rhetorical surrender...I’m talking knowing there is no other alternative...no other hope...the final realization that the Ultimate Hope does not dwell in anything of this earth.
At every point you wonder...is this real life...when will the questions and panic and chaos end?...is this the new normal?
Fear of leaving the side of someone you love only for them not to be there when you return. Fear of a loved one being in the hospital all alone....sick, scared...no voice....no familiar face....
Fear that one day life will no longer be familiar...no longer be the same.
Fear that a doctor, a test, a cure won’t be available.
Fear.
Fear is a liar.
Fear is a natural human reaction.
Fear creates unimaginable feelings within us.
As humans we have fear....we have questions...we don’t always understand...we downplay it...we over exaggerate it....thoughts, feelings, thoughts, fears, feelings....they’re sometimes all over the place.
I’m not pushing doom and gloom.
I want to say....I understand.
The feelings won’t last forever.
These times won’t last forever.
God’s plan and promise for us is so much more.
Times like this we fear being overly dramatic....yet we have these pressing questions and concerns we try to keep hidden.
The best place to take those questions and concerns are to God.
We fear being holy roly...we fear being
hypocrites...there’s a lot of fear....
...or maybe it’s just me....
...but there’s so much more that’s promised...a plan we don’t yet understand or see...but something better for you...for me....
It keeps resurfacing.
Basically, the whole world is living like I lived for 3 years with Zeta.
Fear.
Fear of germs. Fear of the unknown. Fear that you’re not getting the whole story. Fear that you’re not doing enough. Fear that you’re neglecting your ‘normal’ duties. Fear of how it might end.
At some point you cave to the fear or you fully surrender to God.
I’m not talking a rhetorical surrender...I’m talking knowing there is no other alternative...no other hope...the final realization that the Ultimate Hope does not dwell in anything of this earth.
At every point you wonder...is this real life...when will the questions and panic and chaos end?...is this the new normal?
Fear of leaving the side of someone you love only for them not to be there when you return. Fear of a loved one being in the hospital all alone....sick, scared...no voice....no familiar face....
Fear that one day life will no longer be familiar...no longer be the same.
Fear that a doctor, a test, a cure won’t be available.
Fear.
Fear is a liar.
Fear is a natural human reaction.
Fear creates unimaginable feelings within us.
As humans we have fear....we have questions...we don’t always understand...we downplay it...we over exaggerate it....thoughts, feelings, thoughts, fears, feelings....they’re sometimes all over the place.
I’m not pushing doom and gloom.
I want to say....I understand.
The feelings won’t last forever.
These times won’t last forever.
God’s plan and promise for us is so much more.
Times like this we fear being overly dramatic....yet we have these pressing questions and concerns we try to keep hidden.
The best place to take those questions and concerns are to God.
We fear being holy roly...we fear being
hypocrites...there’s a lot of fear....
...or maybe it’s just me....
...but there’s so much more that’s promised...a plan we don’t yet understand or see...but something better for you...for me....
Wednesday, March 18, 2020
Coronavirus
Coronavirus.
What else would one have to blog about in this time?
There are a few types of stances we've seen quickly emerge in the last week...…
The conspiracy theorists.
The ones that are not moved and are even a little bored with the all the media overload.
The panick-ers.
and
the ones like me.
The ones who are panicked, unmoved, sad, worried..... just fine and covered in peace, all at one time - or in the space of moments.....the ones who are CoNfUsEd!
Maybe you're confused too.
One minute I'm perfectly fine wondering why people are buying up all the toilet paper and am amused at all the confusion..... (Though I have to admit, I went into Dollar General to purchase an item and walked out with a pack of toilet paper just because "everyone else was buying".......and I'm not even sure why????)
THEN.....
I start thinking.....
well, then I think about the vulnerable ones.
The ones like my baby, Zeta.
The ones who end up in the hospital in life or death situations with just a cold or exposure to the least little thing......
I think about a time when (I feel) we were put in the corner of a pediatric ICU for just the reason that so many people are scared of right now.....
The reason that if it comes down to having to choose which patient gets the most time and resources it will come down to the ones who have the highest rate of survival and best quality of life left.
I mean, I get it. I get that if a health system (like in Italy) is overwhelmed then those are the heart wrenching decisions that have to be made. I get that it happens on a much, much smaller scale in health systems at times any way.
I get the 'dark humor' of the medical profession - trust me, "living" in the hospital with Zeta for so long, left me with a bit of that same dark humor at times....
…...because.....well, just because if you focus too much on the reality of what is happening and your emotions get wrapped into what's actually happening every moment too much then you would never be able to get through the things that actually have to be done in order to sustain a life....a life that you ultimately feel responsible in protecting......whether it's your loved one....or your patient.....
I get it.
...but just because I get it doesn't make it easier if it is my child or other loved one that doesn't get the attention or the ventilator....or the fighting chance because someone else has to make the decision on who gets resources and who doesn't.
I used the analogy in my blog years ago when I was struggling with the guilt of the care taking of my baby and feeling like I was neglecting my other two children - it's like watching one of your children drown then one of your other children deciding to jump in and they can't swim either. Which do you save? How do you decide?
I think about my grandmother who died just over a year ago. She died of a heart attack.....but there's no doubt in my mind that the flu was the impetus. Prior to that, her health was better than many people half her age.
I think about how the media and the experts reiterate over and over it is the elderly and vulnerable most at risk.
I think about my other grandmother in the nursing home.
I think about my parents.
I think about my son who had the flu this week.
Talk about a PTSD moment!! He hasn't been sick since like 1st grade...…
So....the first couple of days when he was not only sitting still....but actually sleeping all the time.....well, a little of that panic that SATAN is so quick to share......that panic set in....
My thoughts -
"He has coronavirus, I know it. What if my kid has some kind of undiagnosed immune problem that we don't know about? What if my other kid does? What if my parents get it? I had sneezing and sore throat and coughing and congestion a couple of weeks ago....what if I caused it? What if they end up on ventilators and have to live in the hospital? What if they all die like Zeta? What if? What if? What if??"
See??? PTSD moment. Maybe????
I mean, I know my fears were pretty unfounded - yet I couldn't really make them go away.
I had a little moment....or two.....then I brought myself together and remembered who is actually in control.....
and I know....
I KNOW.
I know GOD is in control.
If we're meant to be wiped out with coronavirus like God has wiped out the Earth before then it's going to happen......If we get wiped out by crazy people trampling us for toilet paper and food.....There's nothing we can do to stop it - if it's our time.....and there sure isn't anything that comes from panicking or acting crazy.
I get it.....just like I "get" the tough choices that have to be made....and just like I "get" that it is better to be prepared than do nothing.
I don't get.....perpetuating negativity…....fighting or belittling someone who views things differently than I do......falling in the floor and caving in to Satan's desire to fall apart and never getting back up....nor do I get the open criticism typed out and put out there for all the world to see and dissect putting down governments, schools, health care systems, doctors, nurses, retailers, teachers, parents, or ANYONE that is a target for our anger and fear during a time in which NO ONE has any real solutions or answers - and I'm not talking healthy debates here, I'm talking just plain, rude, offensive attacks..... It's all been a learn as we go for ALL of us. I'm willing to bet we all have feelings of thinking things are stupid or getting frustrated with "whatever" situation related to the pandemic....my personal view is that sometimes it is better to keep some thoughts to ourselves or discuss it with people who can help us work through logical reasoning.... Do we really stop and think about the things we say and do - Is it useful? Is it going to help someone or hurt someone?
...then my next view is....well, my next view is I can choose to bypass the negative messages I read or take a break from social media.....it's all about the ONLY true control I have in any situation - my OWN choices in how I RESPOND.....
...and I get it.....sometimes it's EASIER SAID THAN DONE......
>>>BUT keep this in mind.....when it comes down to it....on the day you're watching a loved one die (due to ANY reason - not talking about coronavirus)......is all the arguing, worrying, yelling, screaming, reacting, berating, etc, etc....is ANY of that worth it....does it change a single thing???......or when YOU take your last breath....is any of it worth it....does it change a single thing.....OR does it only make you feel better for maybe a fleeting moment then pull you further into the hole of darkness and despair....while hurting so many others??? The only thing that is "worth it" is controlling your thoughts and actions to the best of your ability and knowing that God is your ONLY Savior and eternal life will be so much better!
If we're all just going crazy because of the influx of media reports - it's human nature - we've never experienced anything remotely like this.....but shame on us if we allow our circumstances to infiltrate our hearts with greed and hate and lose our senses and compassion....AND shame on us if we don't get it together and understand WHO is in control.
....the following thoughts battle for room in my heart.....
"We’ll never know if we overreacted but we will know if we didn’t do enough."
and this I KNOW- "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33
What else would one have to blog about in this time?
There are a few types of stances we've seen quickly emerge in the last week...…
The conspiracy theorists.
The ones that are not moved and are even a little bored with the all the media overload.
The panick-ers.
and
the ones like me.
The ones who are panicked, unmoved, sad, worried..... just fine and covered in peace, all at one time - or in the space of moments.....the ones who are CoNfUsEd!
Maybe you're confused too.
One minute I'm perfectly fine wondering why people are buying up all the toilet paper and am amused at all the confusion..... (Though I have to admit, I went into Dollar General to purchase an item and walked out with a pack of toilet paper just because "everyone else was buying".......and I'm not even sure why????)
THEN.....
I start thinking.....
well, then I think about the vulnerable ones.
The ones like my baby, Zeta.
The ones who end up in the hospital in life or death situations with just a cold or exposure to the least little thing......
I think about a time when (I feel) we were put in the corner of a pediatric ICU for just the reason that so many people are scared of right now.....
The reason that if it comes down to having to choose which patient gets the most time and resources it will come down to the ones who have the highest rate of survival and best quality of life left.
I mean, I get it. I get that if a health system (like in Italy) is overwhelmed then those are the heart wrenching decisions that have to be made. I get that it happens on a much, much smaller scale in health systems at times any way.
I get the 'dark humor' of the medical profession - trust me, "living" in the hospital with Zeta for so long, left me with a bit of that same dark humor at times....
…...because.....well, just because if you focus too much on the reality of what is happening and your emotions get wrapped into what's actually happening every moment too much then you would never be able to get through the things that actually have to be done in order to sustain a life....a life that you ultimately feel responsible in protecting......whether it's your loved one....or your patient.....
I get it.
...but just because I get it doesn't make it easier if it is my child or other loved one that doesn't get the attention or the ventilator....or the fighting chance because someone else has to make the decision on who gets resources and who doesn't.
I used the analogy in my blog years ago when I was struggling with the guilt of the care taking of my baby and feeling like I was neglecting my other two children - it's like watching one of your children drown then one of your other children deciding to jump in and they can't swim either. Which do you save? How do you decide?
I think about my grandmother who died just over a year ago. She died of a heart attack.....but there's no doubt in my mind that the flu was the impetus. Prior to that, her health was better than many people half her age.
I think about how the media and the experts reiterate over and over it is the elderly and vulnerable most at risk.
I think about my other grandmother in the nursing home.
I think about my parents.
I think about my son who had the flu this week.
Talk about a PTSD moment!! He hasn't been sick since like 1st grade...…
So....the first couple of days when he was not only sitting still....but actually sleeping all the time.....well, a little of that panic that SATAN is so quick to share......that panic set in....
My thoughts -
"He has coronavirus, I know it. What if my kid has some kind of undiagnosed immune problem that we don't know about? What if my other kid does? What if my parents get it? I had sneezing and sore throat and coughing and congestion a couple of weeks ago....what if I caused it? What if they end up on ventilators and have to live in the hospital? What if they all die like Zeta? What if? What if? What if??"
See??? PTSD moment. Maybe????
I mean, I know my fears were pretty unfounded - yet I couldn't really make them go away.
I had a little moment....or two.....then I brought myself together and remembered who is actually in control.....
and I know....
I KNOW.
I know GOD is in control.
If we're meant to be wiped out with coronavirus like God has wiped out the Earth before then it's going to happen......If we get wiped out by crazy people trampling us for toilet paper and food.....There's nothing we can do to stop it - if it's our time.....and there sure isn't anything that comes from panicking or acting crazy.
I get it.....just like I "get" the tough choices that have to be made....and just like I "get" that it is better to be prepared than do nothing.
I don't get.....perpetuating negativity…....fighting or belittling someone who views things differently than I do......falling in the floor and caving in to Satan's desire to fall apart and never getting back up....nor do I get the open criticism typed out and put out there for all the world to see and dissect putting down governments, schools, health care systems, doctors, nurses, retailers, teachers, parents, or ANYONE that is a target for our anger and fear during a time in which NO ONE has any real solutions or answers - and I'm not talking healthy debates here, I'm talking just plain, rude, offensive attacks..... It's all been a learn as we go for ALL of us. I'm willing to bet we all have feelings of thinking things are stupid or getting frustrated with "whatever" situation related to the pandemic....my personal view is that sometimes it is better to keep some thoughts to ourselves or discuss it with people who can help us work through logical reasoning.... Do we really stop and think about the things we say and do - Is it useful? Is it going to help someone or hurt someone?
...then my next view is....well, my next view is I can choose to bypass the negative messages I read or take a break from social media.....it's all about the ONLY true control I have in any situation - my OWN choices in how I RESPOND.....
...and I get it.....sometimes it's EASIER SAID THAN DONE......
>>>BUT keep this in mind.....when it comes down to it....on the day you're watching a loved one die (due to ANY reason - not talking about coronavirus)......is all the arguing, worrying, yelling, screaming, reacting, berating, etc, etc....is ANY of that worth it....does it change a single thing???......or when YOU take your last breath....is any of it worth it....does it change a single thing.....OR does it only make you feel better for maybe a fleeting moment then pull you further into the hole of darkness and despair....while hurting so many others??? The only thing that is "worth it" is controlling your thoughts and actions to the best of your ability and knowing that God is your ONLY Savior and eternal life will be so much better!
If we're all just going crazy because of the influx of media reports - it's human nature - we've never experienced anything remotely like this.....but shame on us if we allow our circumstances to infiltrate our hearts with greed and hate and lose our senses and compassion....AND shame on us if we don't get it together and understand WHO is in control.
....the following thoughts battle for room in my heart.....
"We’ll never know if we overreacted but we will know if we didn’t do enough."
and this I KNOW- "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33
Wednesday, March 4, 2020
"Make it short," they said...
Sorry but I, obviously, cannot write anything short!
I’m not sure why, but the political arena has me all kind of ways right now.
Maybe it’s not even the political arena……maybe it’s the trend of morals, values, and entitlement WE seem to be moving toward….and I say WE because I’m guilty of it sometimes too.
Perhaps I’m just getting old.
I’ve always made it a point not to stand with ‘one party’, ‘one person’ or ‘one thought process’. Personally, I just don’t think it’s always productive, and it lessens the avenues for growth and change. I also do not believe it’s okay to belittle or berate another person or their beliefs just because I have a different opinion.
I do believe we all have a RESPONSIBILITY to tend to our own affairs. To strive to BE BETTER and to HELP OTHERS who are less fortunate.
This is where I have such a dilemma.
I’m typically a “rule follower.” You know, one of those people that believes if you follow the rules everything works out fine…..that everyone should follow the rules…well, until the rules don’t fit my beliefs and values, maybe…..that if you follow the rules everything is ok….until it’s not….rule follower…see what I mean?
Let me explain a little more.
I’ve spent my life working and serving in service-related areas. I’ve had the immense honor and responsibility of working with people in the most vulnerable stages of life - be it small children, at-risk youth, or the dying. The experiences (along with my own life experiences) have often humbled me to the point of my own tear-filled questions…...
I’ve worked with at-risk youth whom are stuck in that cycle of poverty and ‘running the streets.’ I’ve seen and felt the hopelessness inside of them. I’ve cried for them and with them. I’ve prayed with them and for them. I’ve also become so frustrated with them I’ve wanted to scream! I’ve seen how difficult it is to even consider a life outside of what they know because they can’t see the benefits. The short-term goal of surviving the next day is greater than the long-term goal of living what some call an honest or clean life…….the short-term benefits of running the streets are often greater than the pain and dedication it takes to stand up against their norm and be something different – without immediate reward. The intermittent rewards are often much higher and much more tangible than what they can forecast in their futures. Goals? Ask some of these same kids about their goals and they look at you as if you have two heads. Their goal is to make it through the day alive or to make their next hustle….or maybe even just to fade into the background and hope no one notices – or wish someone WOULD notice……..anything beyond that is often not even imaginable…..In some instances, it’s just a cycle – maybe people around them don’t have what we consider life goals so why would they? Take for instance, once I brought breakfast to some kids who had been working hard in school…..then the “toughest, meanest street kid” came in with his new gold watch and necklace and flashing more cash than I even carry on vacation – and I’m sitting there thinking – “How do I compete with that?” I mean what kid…..WHAT PERSON….if given the choice- would choose my sausage biscuit over a stack of Benjamins???”……but here’s the deal…..that mean, tough street kid respected me – he put his stuff away when I asked……he checked his cocky attitude – he (generally) did the things I asked – because I showed him respect……AND because my message was CONSISTENT and CLEAR……I expected his best…..and even when I knew he was just parroting my speech I knew that at least he was trying to be at least a little different…….maybe it was because he wanted my approval….hopefully one day he would feel some intrinsic motivation because that is when true change happens. I never told my kids that MY way was the ONLY way. I never told them to do things “or else.” I talked to them about my experiences. I talked about life in the real world. I talked about my struggles and how they were so much different than theirs. I talked about stories of success I had read about or witnessed first-hand. I shared my faith. Yes, I talked about God in a PUBLIC SCHOOL! People who say God is not allowed in school don’t always see the full picture and don’t understand the power of their life as testimony. (But that’s another topic and I’m already well on my way to another novel here!) I listened to these kids, I felt sorrow for these kids…..but I DID NOT allow these kids to convince me they were LESS THAN ABLE to change their circumstances. I would love to sit here and tell you all the great success stories that came from working with these kids…..BUT that’s not the case. I can’t tell you that I actually made a difference in ANY of these kids lives….BUT I can tell you I was not going to ALLOW them to MAKE EXCUSES or BE LESS THAN what GOD created them to be!
I’ve made MORE THAN my share of mistakes and I’ve been tremendously blessed to have people HOLD ME ACCOUNTABLE – even when I didn’t want to hear it…..ESPECIALLY when I didn’t want to hear it.
God teaches us to LOVE and SERVE one another. I’ve spoken that message throughout my life. God ALSO instructs each of us to be ACCOUNTABLE….
2 Thessalonians 3:6-9 ESV
Now we command you, brothers, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that you keep away from any brother who is walking in idleness and not in accord with the tradition that you received from us. For you yourselves know how you ought to imitate us, because we were not idle when we were with you, nor did we eat anyone's bread without paying for it, but with toil and labor we worked night and day, that we might not be a burden to any of you. It was not because we do not have that right, but to give you in ourselves an example to imitate.
I know that ‘doing things the right way” will not always be all cupcakes and roses…..because it won’t. God never promised that. I NEVER told any of these kids that! LIFE IS NOT EASY OR FAIR!
…..and one thing I NEVER QUIT telling them is they have to WANT TO BE BETTER….for themselves….no one else….and they HAVE TO BELIEVE they DESERVE BETTER…….
Yeah, lots of people in these situations are shouting they ‘deserve better’ but do they actually THINK they are CAPABLE of being BETTER? Do they BELIEVE they can BE BETTER?
….or do so many want the EASY way out? Someone to pay the debt they created, someone to feel sorry for them because of past circumstances, someone to throw money at whatever the problem and hope it goes away…..
Every single one of us gets stuck in being comfortable with MEDIOCRITY and believing we can’t achieve those DREAMS that come to us
.
Sometimes there is a difference though…..sometimes people cannot and will not get past the why me, it’s all about me, it’s doesn’t matter attitudes.
I’ve been there…..chances are – you have too!
What we CANNOT do is serve the hopeless attitudes by enabling ABLE BODIED people who choose not to help themselves or who do not follow rules or laws to dictate how society functions. It does not help society as a whole and more importantly, it DOES NOT HELP the person or people we enable.
WE have to be ACCOUNTABLE.
WE have to MAKE OTHERS ACCOUNTABLE.
PART II
I wrote a facebook post earlier this week:
Let me go backwards for a minute…..that’s actually the reason this whole blog post started. I wrote a facebook post, a fb friend responded and as I wrote my response I wasn’t able to hit reply because she had deleted her comment.
Here’s my post:
A facebook friend responded to my post that she disagreed. She was polite and simply said something like, “I disagree due to all we know about generational poverty and generational wealth.”
Well, I was ready to rebut with my opinion so being the keyboard warrior I am, I started typing away.
This was my response:
I totally understand your views on generational poverty and the HOPELESSNESS that exists with it! This is the same reason I've always preached to young people that you have to WANT more for yourself. You have to DO more for yourself. I don't disagree that hopelessness ISN'T there or that it isn't a CONSTANT uphill battle. I also don't disagree that some forms of assistance are ever advantageous or necessary. I think where I have the most disagreement is with people placing blame on government for their problems IF those same people are not doing anything to better themselves. I am not saying every person complaining in Allendale County (or every proponent of more government involvement and 'free' programs) falls under this assumption, but I can say witnessing years of generational poverty with government money and programs thrown at it does not seem to be working. I DON'T mean to sound heartless at all when I say life is not fair. It is not fair that people are born into generational poverty, it is also not fair that not all babies are born "healthy" or "smart". It's not "fair" that tornadoes and earthquakes happen. It's not "fair" that people who WORK aren't RICH. It's not fair that people who work are the people who are taxed while there are SOME people who DON'T work (but are capable - and I'm really talking about able-bodied people here) who reap the benefits. It's not fair that Sally worked 3 jobs to pay off student loans and Bob gets his paid for "free" because he complains enough or was born a generation later or government decides they want to eliminate all student debt. There is so much about life that is not "fair" that if we linger on it long enough we would ALL be a dying, bitter, hurtful people waiting for someone to save us. (I believe God is the only One that is capable of that.) However, the only thing in this life we will ever be able to control is our own attitude, our own beliefs, our own values and our own DRIVE TO SUCCEED. There are many testaments to being born into generational poverty that succeeded and they all have a common factor - the drive and will to succeed. I also agree generational wealth is a thing....however, that only lasts so long if following generations don't continue some type of effort of work, networking, or learning the value of life and a dollar.....because - we all know, you can have all the money and connections in the world, but if the money disappears a lot of your connections and 'friends' do too...…. and if you don't have the desire to pick yourself up and the willingness to work then the generational wealth ends too. Thank you for RESPECTFULLY sharing your opinion! It means a lot to have conversations when both sides can share their opinions without attacking:)
Sooo…..I finished my response and tried to hit ‘reply’ or ‘enter’ or whatever you do and it said the poster had deleted the comment. To be honest, I was sad I didn’t get to say more on what I was feeling in that open forum. It’s like I’m caught between being a bleeding heart and facing the reality that continuing to enable people only makes things worse…..and trust me I think there is a HUGE difference in serving and giving versus enabling. I may never know why my facebook friend deleted her post. I wasn’t offended by it. I was happy she tactfully shared her opinion.
PART III
Now, let me tell you about the “other side” in my heart.
Do I think injustice occurs?
Yes.
Do I think reparations should be made?
That is a loaded question.
Let me tell you a couple of stories.
If you’ve made it this far you either love reading, love what I’m saying….or enjoying the amusement because you think I’m full of poo!
Anyway, here’s my first story.
For some reason I’ve always had a fascination with the struggle of the black male. I did a lot of my undergrad and grad work on research of the young, at-risk black male. Now, looking at me, it’s pretty obvious I’m not exactly anything close to a black male…..and I can’t tell you why that was something that peaked my interest….unless it was just a time when there was so much study dedicated to the education gap between black males and other students….I was an education major, by the way. (obviously did not major in English – ‘cause lots of run- on sentences when I write….I write from passion and emotion – not the MLA…..but I’m way off topic….)
Let’s try again.
First story.
There was a young black kid. I’ll call him ‘S.”
“S” was enrolled in a setting that put him as a minority.
Yes, nearly every other student in the room looked like him. They were probably 90% black males – the rest were black females.
However, he was still the minority.
Nearly every other student was happy (or embarrassed) to share their street stories with me….a few didn’t really trust me so they didn’t really share much. I think some might have even made up street stories just to fit in with the others.
“S” was different.
“S” took his work seriously. “S” understood he had made a mistake and had to pay for his mistake. From rumors I later heard, the actions that landed S where he was may have even been out of self-defense…..but ‘S’ never told me that. He only told me about the action he made that sealed his fate for the next year – to be enrolled in this setting.
“S” intermittently asked when his ‘punishment’ would be over. I would reiterate that it was for the remainder of the year. I would then go to the people who could uphold or change that decision and beg for this kid to have another chance. My biggest fear is he would succumb to what was around him day in and day out. “S” never complained. He continued to do his work, respect those around him and focus on his goal.
“S” was in a setting day in and day out surrounded by people who looked like him…..surrounded by people who had open disregard for many forms of authority…surrounded by people who did not fully understand the relevance in education…..surrounded by people without visualized goals.
“S” was in a setting that all odds were stacked against him. Yet, “S” stayed focused.
Some of the other adults and I POURED praise and positivity into this kid. I felt like we did it for every kid…..but there was something different about this one…..
You could see it in his smile, in his calm manner. This kid was different.
I don’t know a thing about his family or his outward circumstances. I imagine he had some good support in his life…..but I have no way of knowing that. If he had problems, he never spoke about them. He only spoke about his goal, what he had to do to get ‘done with his punishment’ and thankfulness for anything that I or anyone else did for him.
I prayed for this kid, a lot. I wanted so badly for him to make it….to overcome the obstacles he faced from simply being in the wrong environment to help him succeed.
I’m happy to say that “S” succeeded. He ended up graduating a year early and met his goal of what he wanted to do after graduation.
I would love to say “S” succeeded because I or other adults in his life helped push him that way….BUT it was EVIDENT this kid had the INTRINSIC desire to make his circumstances better. You CAN’T will that into someone. People will not better themselves until they are ready.
Just like some of the kids who were – or had been – in the same setting as “S”……kids who came from “good homes”……”good families”…….kids who had all their needs and most wants met……..the kids who failed to set or meet goals …..regardless of if the environment supports or hinders it…..it all comes down to the desire you have within yourself!
PART IV
When I truly get into my blog and writing a lot it’s always when GOD or SATAN (or BOTH) are working heavy on my heart. So many of the injustices and truths and untruths that create a stir in me cause me to reflect on my own life.
I wasn’t born into poverty.
I wasn’t born a minority.
I have good parents.
I have a good husband.
I have the most loving and caring teenage boys.
I had a life-changing little girl.
I pretty much thought of my self as a “good person.”
Until…..
Well, until I wasn’t so good anymore.
“In a season of sin and self-destruction back in 2015, I lost everything and hurt many people in the process. At 41 years old, I broke my life, I broke my family, and I broke the hearts of those who trusted me and looked to me for leadership.” Billy Graham’s grandson, Tullian Tchividjian wrote these words in a blog post a couple of weeks ago. He could have ripped the words right out of my heart and only changed the year and the age.
Satan keeps telling me I know nothing about pain or adversity.
Satan tells me I have no authority to speak of God’s grace when I screwed up so badly.
Satan tells me I will have to deal with the consequence of my sins infinitely.
I’ve vaguely talked of my struggles and picking up the pieces in the past several years….
…years after my baby (ZETA) died….
I mean I talked about how hard death is and how Satan throws all the questions….how grief grows and changes and lessens and continues…..
…but I’ve never talked specifically about the UGLY stuff…
The choices I made that caused so much heart ache for everyone around me.
I don’t have to talk about the specifics….
Just know, it was ugly.
The consequences of my actions were also ugly.
Thankfully (and I do not say that lightly) I had people around me hold me ACCOUNTABLE. Now, I’m not going to say I LIKED ANY of the accountability….I’m also not going to say that I liked all their METHODS (they’re human too)…..what I will say is that part of the reason I am standing today is because people held me ACCOUNTABLE. They tried not to let me use losing ZETA as an excuse to make poor decisions. They tried not to let me use the pain to take away my responsibilities. They tried not to let me fall into the deepest, darkest, depth of my soul and never return. Notice how many times I say “THEY TRIED?” I say tried because at some point I had to take responsibility for myself and I had to remember who God is….. All of those broken-hearted faces and crying eyes looking at me on some days could not make me change. Until you’ve been there you can’t understand it. I can’t even explain it. No goal, no direction….nothing……There is a hollow of a person there with no soul. When you feel as though you have no soul then little bothers you…...but at the same time everything in the world hurts….. Not even the people you love most pleading for you to be present can penetrate that deepest darkest point. It breaks my heart and makes me fall to my knees just thinking about it now…….it’s almost like an alternate form of reality…. It’s what I imagine drug addicts feel like at some point.
…… the bigger part of what I want you to know is that Satan is a liar.
I know a little about pain and adversity. I know that life is not fair. My pain may not be the same as yours or the same as those fighting for causes they believe in…..but my question is how much of what you/I impel do you/we truly believe in and how much do you/we blindly follow? We’re all guilty.
Satan wants us to believe that nothing better exists.
Satan wants us to attack without thought or discussion.
Satan wants us to believe that if we screw up the punishment is indefinite.
……while the consequences of sin may follow us all of our earthly lives, JESUS DIED ON A CROSS, to save us from that very sin and ACCEPTING HIM – WE ARE SAVED.
However, if we continue to live life without repentance, if we do not believe and accept Jesus Christ then we continue to be hopeless.
LOVE YOURSELF. LOVE EACH OTHER. ENCOURAGE YOURSELF. ENCOURAGE EACH OTHER. KEEP YOURSELF ACCOUNTABLE. KEEP EACH OTHER ACCOUNTABLE.
I’m not sure why, but the political arena has me all kind of ways right now.
Maybe it’s not even the political arena……maybe it’s the trend of morals, values, and entitlement WE seem to be moving toward….and I say WE because I’m guilty of it sometimes too.
Perhaps I’m just getting old.
I’ve always made it a point not to stand with ‘one party’, ‘one person’ or ‘one thought process’. Personally, I just don’t think it’s always productive, and it lessens the avenues for growth and change. I also do not believe it’s okay to belittle or berate another person or their beliefs just because I have a different opinion.
I do believe we all have a RESPONSIBILITY to tend to our own affairs. To strive to BE BETTER and to HELP OTHERS who are less fortunate.
This is where I have such a dilemma.
I’m typically a “rule follower.” You know, one of those people that believes if you follow the rules everything works out fine…..that everyone should follow the rules…well, until the rules don’t fit my beliefs and values, maybe…..that if you follow the rules everything is ok….until it’s not….rule follower…see what I mean?
Let me explain a little more.
I’ve spent my life working and serving in service-related areas. I’ve had the immense honor and responsibility of working with people in the most vulnerable stages of life - be it small children, at-risk youth, or the dying. The experiences (along with my own life experiences) have often humbled me to the point of my own tear-filled questions…...
I’ve worked with at-risk youth whom are stuck in that cycle of poverty and ‘running the streets.’ I’ve seen and felt the hopelessness inside of them. I’ve cried for them and with them. I’ve prayed with them and for them. I’ve also become so frustrated with them I’ve wanted to scream! I’ve seen how difficult it is to even consider a life outside of what they know because they can’t see the benefits. The short-term goal of surviving the next day is greater than the long-term goal of living what some call an honest or clean life…….the short-term benefits of running the streets are often greater than the pain and dedication it takes to stand up against their norm and be something different – without immediate reward. The intermittent rewards are often much higher and much more tangible than what they can forecast in their futures. Goals? Ask some of these same kids about their goals and they look at you as if you have two heads. Their goal is to make it through the day alive or to make their next hustle….or maybe even just to fade into the background and hope no one notices – or wish someone WOULD notice……..anything beyond that is often not even imaginable…..In some instances, it’s just a cycle – maybe people around them don’t have what we consider life goals so why would they? Take for instance, once I brought breakfast to some kids who had been working hard in school…..then the “toughest, meanest street kid” came in with his new gold watch and necklace and flashing more cash than I even carry on vacation – and I’m sitting there thinking – “How do I compete with that?” I mean what kid…..WHAT PERSON….if given the choice- would choose my sausage biscuit over a stack of Benjamins???”……but here’s the deal…..that mean, tough street kid respected me – he put his stuff away when I asked……he checked his cocky attitude – he (generally) did the things I asked – because I showed him respect……AND because my message was CONSISTENT and CLEAR……I expected his best…..and even when I knew he was just parroting my speech I knew that at least he was trying to be at least a little different…….maybe it was because he wanted my approval….hopefully one day he would feel some intrinsic motivation because that is when true change happens. I never told my kids that MY way was the ONLY way. I never told them to do things “or else.” I talked to them about my experiences. I talked about life in the real world. I talked about my struggles and how they were so much different than theirs. I talked about stories of success I had read about or witnessed first-hand. I shared my faith. Yes, I talked about God in a PUBLIC SCHOOL! People who say God is not allowed in school don’t always see the full picture and don’t understand the power of their life as testimony. (But that’s another topic and I’m already well on my way to another novel here!) I listened to these kids, I felt sorrow for these kids…..but I DID NOT allow these kids to convince me they were LESS THAN ABLE to change their circumstances. I would love to sit here and tell you all the great success stories that came from working with these kids…..BUT that’s not the case. I can’t tell you that I actually made a difference in ANY of these kids lives….BUT I can tell you I was not going to ALLOW them to MAKE EXCUSES or BE LESS THAN what GOD created them to be!
I’ve made MORE THAN my share of mistakes and I’ve been tremendously blessed to have people HOLD ME ACCOUNTABLE – even when I didn’t want to hear it…..ESPECIALLY when I didn’t want to hear it.
God teaches us to LOVE and SERVE one another. I’ve spoken that message throughout my life. God ALSO instructs each of us to be ACCOUNTABLE….
2 Thessalonians 3:6-9 ESV
Now we command you, brothers, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that you keep away from any brother who is walking in idleness and not in accord with the tradition that you received from us. For you yourselves know how you ought to imitate us, because we were not idle when we were with you, nor did we eat anyone's bread without paying for it, but with toil and labor we worked night and day, that we might not be a burden to any of you. It was not because we do not have that right, but to give you in ourselves an example to imitate.
I know that ‘doing things the right way” will not always be all cupcakes and roses…..because it won’t. God never promised that. I NEVER told any of these kids that! LIFE IS NOT EASY OR FAIR!
…..and one thing I NEVER QUIT telling them is they have to WANT TO BE BETTER….for themselves….no one else….and they HAVE TO BELIEVE they DESERVE BETTER…….
Yeah, lots of people in these situations are shouting they ‘deserve better’ but do they actually THINK they are CAPABLE of being BETTER? Do they BELIEVE they can BE BETTER?
….or do so many want the EASY way out? Someone to pay the debt they created, someone to feel sorry for them because of past circumstances, someone to throw money at whatever the problem and hope it goes away…..
Every single one of us gets stuck in being comfortable with MEDIOCRITY and believing we can’t achieve those DREAMS that come to us
.
Sometimes there is a difference though…..sometimes people cannot and will not get past the why me, it’s all about me, it’s doesn’t matter attitudes.
I’ve been there…..chances are – you have too!
What we CANNOT do is serve the hopeless attitudes by enabling ABLE BODIED people who choose not to help themselves or who do not follow rules or laws to dictate how society functions. It does not help society as a whole and more importantly, it DOES NOT HELP the person or people we enable.
WE have to be ACCOUNTABLE.
WE have to MAKE OTHERS ACCOUNTABLE.
PART II
I wrote a facebook post earlier this week:
Let me go backwards for a minute…..that’s actually the reason this whole blog post started. I wrote a facebook post, a fb friend responded and as I wrote my response I wasn’t able to hit reply because she had deleted her comment.
Here’s my post:
Just a few thoughts...
I've seen the ABC News clip about Allendale County.
While I am quick to agree that Allendale has its share of problems I would have to disagree as to why.
It is difficult to listen to people continually talk about oppression and how they can't make anything of themselves because of the cards they were dealt.
Granted, being born into poverty and/or other difficult circumstances makes life 1000 times more difficult - this I can only imagine. However, people cannot continue to use that as the reason things aren't better.....and they cannot continue to say GOVERNEMENT is FORSAKING them!
Read a little about people like David Coggins and Eric Thomas. These men WORKED and FOUGHT their way out of similar (and sometimes WORSE) situations than many of the people in Allendale. These men don't hold super powers. They CHOSE to stop the cycle. They CHOSE to FIGHT for what they deserve. They CHOSE to WORK for what they have. They CHOSE to become BIGGER than their CIRCUMSTANCES.
I KNOW for a FACT that HARD WORK can change your circumstances. My grandfather was ONE of TWELVE DIRT POOR children in a family in ULMER - one of the most RURAL parts of ALLENDALE COUNTY. From what I understand, their father was a brutal man who ultimately committed suicide. Our grandfather WAS NOT GIVEN a thing. He didn't have a lot of formal education, but he made a CHOICE early on to be a LIFE-LONG learner. He made a CHOICE not to depend on government to support him. He made a CHOICE to WORK every day of his life for what he earned. I know this because I have heard the stories all of my life and I witnessed him work like a dog my entire life. My mom shared stories about how even she (and I'm assuming her brothers) were teased when they were young because they were 'poor country people'....about how people made fun of our Pop because he had old sheds and old equipment.....I'm sure that teasing probably hurt our Pop, but I doubt he ever let it show. I think he USED it to FUEL his desire to DO BETTER, TO BE BETTER. I can say with so much pride that our Pop became a SUCCESSFUL business man in Allendale County. The SAME county that SOME people think is to blame for their LACK OF SUCCESS.
Stop and think before you say the problems are in a LACK of JOBS....the problem is more likely the LACK of DESIRE of PEOPLE to WORK!
A facebook friend responded to my post that she disagreed. She was polite and simply said something like, “I disagree due to all we know about generational poverty and generational wealth.”
Well, I was ready to rebut with my opinion so being the keyboard warrior I am, I started typing away.
This was my response:
I totally understand your views on generational poverty and the HOPELESSNESS that exists with it! This is the same reason I've always preached to young people that you have to WANT more for yourself. You have to DO more for yourself. I don't disagree that hopelessness ISN'T there or that it isn't a CONSTANT uphill battle. I also don't disagree that some forms of assistance are ever advantageous or necessary. I think where I have the most disagreement is with people placing blame on government for their problems IF those same people are not doing anything to better themselves. I am not saying every person complaining in Allendale County (or every proponent of more government involvement and 'free' programs) falls under this assumption, but I can say witnessing years of generational poverty with government money and programs thrown at it does not seem to be working. I DON'T mean to sound heartless at all when I say life is not fair. It is not fair that people are born into generational poverty, it is also not fair that not all babies are born "healthy" or "smart". It's not "fair" that tornadoes and earthquakes happen. It's not "fair" that people who WORK aren't RICH. It's not fair that people who work are the people who are taxed while there are SOME people who DON'T work (but are capable - and I'm really talking about able-bodied people here) who reap the benefits. It's not fair that Sally worked 3 jobs to pay off student loans and Bob gets his paid for "free" because he complains enough or was born a generation later or government decides they want to eliminate all student debt. There is so much about life that is not "fair" that if we linger on it long enough we would ALL be a dying, bitter, hurtful people waiting for someone to save us. (I believe God is the only One that is capable of that.) However, the only thing in this life we will ever be able to control is our own attitude, our own beliefs, our own values and our own DRIVE TO SUCCEED. There are many testaments to being born into generational poverty that succeeded and they all have a common factor - the drive and will to succeed. I also agree generational wealth is a thing....however, that only lasts so long if following generations don't continue some type of effort of work, networking, or learning the value of life and a dollar.....because - we all know, you can have all the money and connections in the world, but if the money disappears a lot of your connections and 'friends' do too...…. and if you don't have the desire to pick yourself up and the willingness to work then the generational wealth ends too. Thank you for RESPECTFULLY sharing your opinion! It means a lot to have conversations when both sides can share their opinions without attacking:)
Sooo…..I finished my response and tried to hit ‘reply’ or ‘enter’ or whatever you do and it said the poster had deleted the comment. To be honest, I was sad I didn’t get to say more on what I was feeling in that open forum. It’s like I’m caught between being a bleeding heart and facing the reality that continuing to enable people only makes things worse…..and trust me I think there is a HUGE difference in serving and giving versus enabling. I may never know why my facebook friend deleted her post. I wasn’t offended by it. I was happy she tactfully shared her opinion.
PART III
Now, let me tell you about the “other side” in my heart.
Do I think injustice occurs?
Yes.
Do I think reparations should be made?
That is a loaded question.
Let me tell you a couple of stories.
If you’ve made it this far you either love reading, love what I’m saying….or enjoying the amusement because you think I’m full of poo!
Anyway, here’s my first story.
For some reason I’ve always had a fascination with the struggle of the black male. I did a lot of my undergrad and grad work on research of the young, at-risk black male. Now, looking at me, it’s pretty obvious I’m not exactly anything close to a black male…..and I can’t tell you why that was something that peaked my interest….unless it was just a time when there was so much study dedicated to the education gap between black males and other students….I was an education major, by the way. (obviously did not major in English – ‘cause lots of run- on sentences when I write….I write from passion and emotion – not the MLA…..but I’m way off topic….)
Let’s try again.
First story.
There was a young black kid. I’ll call him ‘S.”
“S” was enrolled in a setting that put him as a minority.
Yes, nearly every other student in the room looked like him. They were probably 90% black males – the rest were black females.
However, he was still the minority.
Nearly every other student was happy (or embarrassed) to share their street stories with me….a few didn’t really trust me so they didn’t really share much. I think some might have even made up street stories just to fit in with the others.
“S” was different.
“S” took his work seriously. “S” understood he had made a mistake and had to pay for his mistake. From rumors I later heard, the actions that landed S where he was may have even been out of self-defense…..but ‘S’ never told me that. He only told me about the action he made that sealed his fate for the next year – to be enrolled in this setting.
“S” intermittently asked when his ‘punishment’ would be over. I would reiterate that it was for the remainder of the year. I would then go to the people who could uphold or change that decision and beg for this kid to have another chance. My biggest fear is he would succumb to what was around him day in and day out. “S” never complained. He continued to do his work, respect those around him and focus on his goal.
“S” was in a setting day in and day out surrounded by people who looked like him…..surrounded by people who had open disregard for many forms of authority…surrounded by people who did not fully understand the relevance in education…..surrounded by people without visualized goals.
“S” was in a setting that all odds were stacked against him. Yet, “S” stayed focused.
Some of the other adults and I POURED praise and positivity into this kid. I felt like we did it for every kid…..but there was something different about this one…..
You could see it in his smile, in his calm manner. This kid was different.
I don’t know a thing about his family or his outward circumstances. I imagine he had some good support in his life…..but I have no way of knowing that. If he had problems, he never spoke about them. He only spoke about his goal, what he had to do to get ‘done with his punishment’ and thankfulness for anything that I or anyone else did for him.
I prayed for this kid, a lot. I wanted so badly for him to make it….to overcome the obstacles he faced from simply being in the wrong environment to help him succeed.
I’m happy to say that “S” succeeded. He ended up graduating a year early and met his goal of what he wanted to do after graduation.
I would love to say “S” succeeded because I or other adults in his life helped push him that way….BUT it was EVIDENT this kid had the INTRINSIC desire to make his circumstances better. You CAN’T will that into someone. People will not better themselves until they are ready.
Just like some of the kids who were – or had been – in the same setting as “S”……kids who came from “good homes”……”good families”…….kids who had all their needs and most wants met……..the kids who failed to set or meet goals …..regardless of if the environment supports or hinders it…..it all comes down to the desire you have within yourself!
PART IV
When I truly get into my blog and writing a lot it’s always when GOD or SATAN (or BOTH) are working heavy on my heart. So many of the injustices and truths and untruths that create a stir in me cause me to reflect on my own life.
I wasn’t born into poverty.
I wasn’t born a minority.
I have good parents.
I have a good husband.
I have the most loving and caring teenage boys.
I had a life-changing little girl.
I pretty much thought of my self as a “good person.”
Until…..
Well, until I wasn’t so good anymore.
“In a season of sin and self-destruction back in 2015, I lost everything and hurt many people in the process. At 41 years old, I broke my life, I broke my family, and I broke the hearts of those who trusted me and looked to me for leadership.” Billy Graham’s grandson, Tullian Tchividjian wrote these words in a blog post a couple of weeks ago. He could have ripped the words right out of my heart and only changed the year and the age.
Satan keeps telling me I know nothing about pain or adversity.
Satan tells me I have no authority to speak of God’s grace when I screwed up so badly.
Satan tells me I will have to deal with the consequence of my sins infinitely.
I’ve vaguely talked of my struggles and picking up the pieces in the past several years….
…years after my baby (ZETA) died….
I mean I talked about how hard death is and how Satan throws all the questions….how grief grows and changes and lessens and continues…..
…but I’ve never talked specifically about the UGLY stuff…
The choices I made that caused so much heart ache for everyone around me.
I don’t have to talk about the specifics….
Just know, it was ugly.
The consequences of my actions were also ugly.
Thankfully (and I do not say that lightly) I had people around me hold me ACCOUNTABLE. Now, I’m not going to say I LIKED ANY of the accountability….I’m also not going to say that I liked all their METHODS (they’re human too)…..what I will say is that part of the reason I am standing today is because people held me ACCOUNTABLE. They tried not to let me use losing ZETA as an excuse to make poor decisions. They tried not to let me use the pain to take away my responsibilities. They tried not to let me fall into the deepest, darkest, depth of my soul and never return. Notice how many times I say “THEY TRIED?” I say tried because at some point I had to take responsibility for myself and I had to remember who God is….. All of those broken-hearted faces and crying eyes looking at me on some days could not make me change. Until you’ve been there you can’t understand it. I can’t even explain it. No goal, no direction….nothing……There is a hollow of a person there with no soul. When you feel as though you have no soul then little bothers you…...but at the same time everything in the world hurts….. Not even the people you love most pleading for you to be present can penetrate that deepest darkest point. It breaks my heart and makes me fall to my knees just thinking about it now…….it’s almost like an alternate form of reality…. It’s what I imagine drug addicts feel like at some point.
…… the bigger part of what I want you to know is that Satan is a liar.
I know a little about pain and adversity. I know that life is not fair. My pain may not be the same as yours or the same as those fighting for causes they believe in…..but my question is how much of what you/I impel do you/we truly believe in and how much do you/we blindly follow? We’re all guilty.
Satan wants us to believe that nothing better exists.
Satan wants us to attack without thought or discussion.
Satan wants us to believe that if we screw up the punishment is indefinite.
……while the consequences of sin may follow us all of our earthly lives, JESUS DIED ON A CROSS, to save us from that very sin and ACCEPTING HIM – WE ARE SAVED.
However, if we continue to live life without repentance, if we do not believe and accept Jesus Christ then we continue to be hopeless.
LOVE YOURSELF. LOVE EACH OTHER. ENCOURAGE YOURSELF. ENCOURAGE EACH OTHER. KEEP YOURSELF ACCOUNTABLE. KEEP EACH OTHER ACCOUNTABLE.
Monday, February 10, 2020
Injustice
Injustice.
It’s a word that’s been floating around in my mind for days.
Maybe weeks.
Maybe years.
I didn’t fully understand injustice in my own limited world until my baby was diagnosed with an unknown syndrome and died three years later. I didn’t fully understand the injustice parents of special needs children experience. I didn’t understand the injustice of a grieving parent. In so many ways, I wish I still didn’t understand, but I do.
It’s funny how I could feel such peace at the time and then go on to feel such injustice.
Such pain and heart break....such unfairness.
Injustice.
The injustice and hardness in my heart sometimes left me looking for someone or something to blame.
Most times the someone was me and sometimes the somethings were something I had chosen.
At times the ‘someones’ might be a doctor or some other person who might ‘just not understand.’.....it might have been a medication I took, something I ate, environmental toxins.
There were so many things physically ‘wrong’ with my baby there were plenty of ‘somethings’ I could blame. I remember watching lawyer commercials for drugs and environmental factors that claimed to cause certain health risks or birth defects and I thought....hmm maybe that caused Zeta’s problems. I even had a couple of lawyers contact me.
I remember a particularly trying time in the hospital (a time in which I still believe a lot of mistakes were made and covered up).....a time in which I wanted the people -who I felt failed- to pay...I wanted them to understand the pain their actions (and/or lack thereof) caused.
Injustice.
We’ve all felt it.
We’ve all known it.
There are more injustices in this world I’m passionate about.
The injustice our children face. The cruel dog-eat-dog world they face each day. The injustice that somehow my own boys might feel “less than” because they weren’t sports stars or aren’t going to pursue medicine or engineering as a career.....the injustice that at some point I’m just as guilty of being the one to make them feel less than. The injustice of all they have faced over time and the fact they have the most caring hearts and trust of God in a world that doesn’t value that as a priority.
The injustice of school children I’ve encountered. The fact that single parent homes are more common than two parent homes. The fact they were born into a cycle of poverty. The fact that They have not allowed God to penetrate the most hardened and broken pieces of their hearts. The fact they (more likely than not) don’t have the skills to break that cycle and turn to things like drugs and gangs. The fact that some of the toughest gang members could greet me with hugs and smiles and yes ma’am’s and no ma’am’s, not because I demanded (which technically, I guess I did), but because I respected them and they respected me.
The injustice of people just looking for somewhere to place blame. Just like farmers (less than 2% of the population) working to feed the entire world’s population and the entertainment industry throwing buzz words like GMO and glyphosate around without fully understanding.....and sometimes unfounded legislation and low, capped commodity prices continually making it more and more difficult to feed the people that think they’re trying to kill them.
The greatest injustice is that we’re a nation engaged in constant spiritual warfare and while we’re busy attacking EACH OTHER over all the injustices we feel, Satan is out there continuing to win people over. We worship money, we worship time, we worship strength and popularity. We worship the things that make us comfortable and give us the most gratification. Meanwhile, the injustices of the world continue, and we continue to feel the pain of it. Question is, what are we actually DOING to combat it? Are we praying, are we listening to each other, are we loving each other, are we trusting and following GOD? OR are we just complaining and attacking?
It’s a word that’s been floating around in my mind for days.
Maybe weeks.
Maybe years.
I didn’t fully understand injustice in my own limited world until my baby was diagnosed with an unknown syndrome and died three years later. I didn’t fully understand the injustice parents of special needs children experience. I didn’t understand the injustice of a grieving parent. In so many ways, I wish I still didn’t understand, but I do.
It’s funny how I could feel such peace at the time and then go on to feel such injustice.
Such pain and heart break....such unfairness.
Injustice.
The injustice and hardness in my heart sometimes left me looking for someone or something to blame.
Most times the someone was me and sometimes the somethings were something I had chosen.
At times the ‘someones’ might be a doctor or some other person who might ‘just not understand.’.....it might have been a medication I took, something I ate, environmental toxins.
There were so many things physically ‘wrong’ with my baby there were plenty of ‘somethings’ I could blame. I remember watching lawyer commercials for drugs and environmental factors that claimed to cause certain health risks or birth defects and I thought....hmm maybe that caused Zeta’s problems. I even had a couple of lawyers contact me.
I remember a particularly trying time in the hospital (a time in which I still believe a lot of mistakes were made and covered up).....a time in which I wanted the people -who I felt failed- to pay...I wanted them to understand the pain their actions (and/or lack thereof) caused.
Injustice.
We’ve all felt it.
We’ve all known it.
There are more injustices in this world I’m passionate about.
The injustice our children face. The cruel dog-eat-dog world they face each day. The injustice that somehow my own boys might feel “less than” because they weren’t sports stars or aren’t going to pursue medicine or engineering as a career.....the injustice that at some point I’m just as guilty of being the one to make them feel less than. The injustice of all they have faced over time and the fact they have the most caring hearts and trust of God in a world that doesn’t value that as a priority.
The injustice of school children I’ve encountered. The fact that single parent homes are more common than two parent homes. The fact they were born into a cycle of poverty. The fact that They have not allowed God to penetrate the most hardened and broken pieces of their hearts. The fact they (more likely than not) don’t have the skills to break that cycle and turn to things like drugs and gangs. The fact that some of the toughest gang members could greet me with hugs and smiles and yes ma’am’s and no ma’am’s, not because I demanded (which technically, I guess I did), but because I respected them and they respected me.
The injustice of people just looking for somewhere to place blame. Just like farmers (less than 2% of the population) working to feed the entire world’s population and the entertainment industry throwing buzz words like GMO and glyphosate around without fully understanding.....and sometimes unfounded legislation and low, capped commodity prices continually making it more and more difficult to feed the people that think they’re trying to kill them.
The greatest injustice is that we’re a nation engaged in constant spiritual warfare and while we’re busy attacking EACH OTHER over all the injustices we feel, Satan is out there continuing to win people over. We worship money, we worship time, we worship strength and popularity. We worship the things that make us comfortable and give us the most gratification. Meanwhile, the injustices of the world continue, and we continue to feel the pain of it. Question is, what are we actually DOING to combat it? Are we praying, are we listening to each other, are we loving each other, are we trusting and following GOD? OR are we just complaining and attacking?
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