"Make it short," they said...

Sorry but I, obviously, cannot write anything short!

I’m not sure why, but the political arena has me all kind of ways right now.

Maybe it’s not even the political arena……maybe it’s the trend of morals, values, and entitlement WE seem to be moving toward….and I say WE because I’m guilty of it sometimes too.

Perhaps I’m just getting old.

I’ve always made it a point not to stand with ‘one party’, ‘one person’ or ‘one thought process’. Personally, I just don’t think it’s always productive, and it lessens the avenues for growth and change. I also do not believe it’s okay to belittle or berate another person or their beliefs just because I have a different opinion.

I do believe we all have a RESPONSIBILITY to tend to our own affairs. To strive to BE BETTER and to HELP OTHERS who are less fortunate.

This is where I have such a dilemma.

I’m typically a “rule follower.” You know, one of those people that believes if you follow the rules everything works out fine…..that everyone should follow the rules…well, until the rules don’t fit my beliefs and values, maybe…..that if you follow the rules everything is ok….until it’s not….rule follower…see what I mean?

Let me explain a little more.

I’ve spent my life working and serving in service-related areas. I’ve had the immense honor and responsibility of working with people in the most vulnerable stages of life - be it small children, at-risk youth, or the dying. The experiences (along with my own life experiences) have often humbled me to the point of my own tear-filled questions…...

I’ve worked with at-risk youth whom are stuck in that cycle of poverty and ‘running the streets.’ I’ve seen and felt the hopelessness inside of them. I’ve cried for them and with them. I’ve prayed with them and for them. I’ve also become so frustrated with them I’ve wanted to scream! I’ve seen how difficult it is to even consider a life outside of what they know because they can’t see the benefits. The short-term goal of surviving the next day is greater than the long-term goal of living what some call an honest or clean life…….the short-term benefits of running the streets are often greater than the pain and dedication it takes to stand up against their norm and be something different – without immediate reward. The intermittent rewards are often much higher and much more tangible than what they can forecast in their futures. Goals? Ask some of these same kids about their goals and they look at you as if you have two heads. Their goal is to make it through the day alive or to make their next hustle….or maybe even just to fade into the background and hope no one notices – or wish someone WOULD notice……..anything beyond that is often not even imaginable…..In some instances, it’s just a cycle – maybe people around them don’t have what we consider life goals so why would they? Take for instance, once I brought breakfast to some kids who had been working hard in school…..then the “toughest, meanest street kid” came in with his new gold watch and necklace and flashing more cash than I even carry on vacation – and I’m sitting there thinking – “How do I compete with that?” I mean what kid…..WHAT PERSON….if given the choice- would choose my sausage biscuit over a stack of Benjamins???”……but here’s the deal…..that mean, tough street kid respected me – he put his stuff away when I asked……he checked his cocky attitude – he (generally) did the things I asked – because I showed him respect……AND because my message was CONSISTENT and CLEAR……I expected his best…..and even when I knew he was just parroting my speech I knew that at least he was trying to be at least a little different…….maybe it was because he wanted my approval….hopefully one day he would feel some intrinsic motivation because that is when true change happens. I never told my kids that MY way was the ONLY way. I never told them to do things “or else.” I talked to them about my experiences. I talked about life in the real world. I talked about my struggles and how they were so much different than theirs. I talked about stories of success I had read about or witnessed first-hand. I shared my faith. Yes, I talked about God in a PUBLIC SCHOOL! People who say God is not allowed in school don’t always see the full picture and don’t understand the power of their life as testimony. (But that’s another topic and I’m already well on my way to another novel here!) I listened to these kids, I felt sorrow for these kids…..but I DID NOT allow these kids to convince me they were LESS THAN ABLE to change their circumstances. I would love to sit here and tell you all the great success stories that came from working with these kids…..BUT that’s not the case. I can’t tell you that I actually made a difference in ANY of these kids lives….BUT I can tell you I was not going to ALLOW them to MAKE EXCUSES or BE LESS THAN what GOD created them to be!

I’ve made MORE THAN my share of mistakes and I’ve been tremendously blessed to have people HOLD ME ACCOUNTABLE – even when I didn’t want to hear it…..ESPECIALLY when I didn’t want to hear it.

God teaches us to LOVE and SERVE one another. I’ve spoken that message throughout my life. God ALSO instructs each of us to be ACCOUNTABLE….

2 Thessalonians 3:6-9 ESV
Now we command you, brothers, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that you keep away from any brother who is walking in idleness and not in accord with the tradition that you received from us. For you yourselves know how you ought to imitate us, because we were not idle when we were with you, nor did we eat anyone's bread without paying for it, but with toil and labor we worked night and day, that we might not be a burden to any of you. It was not because we do not have that right, but to give you in ourselves an example to imitate.

I know that ‘doing things the right way” will not always be all cupcakes and roses…..because it won’t. God never promised that. I NEVER told any of these kids that! LIFE IS NOT EASY OR FAIR!

…..and one thing I NEVER QUIT telling them is they have to WANT TO BE BETTER….for themselves….no one else….and they HAVE TO BELIEVE they DESERVE BETTER…….

Yeah, lots of people in these situations are shouting they ‘deserve better’ but do they actually THINK they are CAPABLE of being BETTER? Do they BELIEVE they can BE BETTER?

….or do so many want the EASY way out? Someone to pay the debt they created, someone to feel sorry for them because of past circumstances, someone to throw money at whatever the problem and hope it goes away…..

Every single one of us gets stuck in being comfortable with MEDIOCRITY and believing we can’t achieve those DREAMS that come to us
.
Sometimes there is a difference though…..sometimes people cannot and will not get past the why me, it’s all about me, it’s doesn’t matter attitudes.

I’ve been there…..chances are – you have too!

What we CANNOT do is serve the hopeless attitudes by enabling ABLE BODIED people who choose not to help themselves or who do not follow rules or laws to dictate how society functions. It does not help society as a whole and more importantly, it DOES NOT HELP the person or people we enable.

WE have to be ACCOUNTABLE.

WE have to MAKE OTHERS ACCOUNTABLE.

PART II

I wrote a facebook post earlier this week:

Let me go backwards for a minute…..that’s actually the reason this whole blog post started. I wrote a facebook post, a fb friend responded and as I wrote my response I wasn’t able to hit reply because she had deleted her comment.

Here’s my post:

Just a few thoughts...

I've seen the ABC News clip about Allendale County.

While I am quick to agree that Allendale has its share of problems I would have to disagree as to why.

It is difficult to listen to people continually talk about oppression and how they can't make anything of themselves because of the cards they were dealt.

Granted, being born into poverty and/or other difficult circumstances makes life 1000 times more difficult - this I can only imagine. However, people cannot continue to use that as the reason things aren't better.....and they cannot continue to say GOVERNEMENT is FORSAKING them!

Read a little about people like David Coggins and Eric Thomas. These men WORKED and FOUGHT their way out of similar (and sometimes WORSE) situations than many of the people in Allendale. These men don't hold super powers. They CHOSE to stop the cycle. They CHOSE to FIGHT for what they deserve. They CHOSE to WORK for what they have. They CHOSE to become BIGGER than their CIRCUMSTANCES.

I KNOW for a FACT that HARD WORK can change your circumstances. My grandfather was ONE of TWELVE DIRT POOR children in a family in ULMER - one of the most RURAL parts of ALLENDALE COUNTY. From what I understand, their father was a brutal man who ultimately committed suicide. Our grandfather WAS NOT GIVEN a thing. He didn't have a lot of formal education, but he made a CHOICE early on to be a LIFE-LONG learner. He made a CHOICE not to depend on government to support him. He made a CHOICE to WORK every day of his life for what he earned. I know this because I have heard the stories all of my life and I witnessed him work like a dog my entire life. My mom shared stories about how even she (and I'm assuming her brothers) were teased when they were young because they were 'poor country people'....about how people made fun of our Pop because he had old sheds and old equipment.....I'm sure that teasing probably hurt our Pop, but I doubt he ever let it show. I think he USED it to FUEL his desire to DO BETTER, TO BE BETTER. I can say with so much pride that our Pop became a SUCCESSFUL business man in Allendale County. The SAME county that SOME people think is to blame for their LACK OF SUCCESS.

Stop and think before you say the problems are in a LACK of JOBS....the problem is more likely the LACK of DESIRE of PEOPLE to WORK!

A facebook friend responded to my post that she disagreed. She was polite and simply said something like, “I disagree due to all we know about generational poverty and generational wealth.”

Well, I was ready to rebut with my opinion so being the keyboard warrior I am, I started typing away.

This was my response:
I totally understand your views on generational poverty and the HOPELESSNESS that exists with it! This is the same reason I've always preached to young people that you have to WANT more for yourself. You have to DO more for yourself. I don't disagree that hopelessness ISN'T there or that it isn't a CONSTANT uphill battle. I also don't disagree that some forms of assistance are ever advantageous or necessary. I think where I have the most disagreement is with people placing blame on government for their problems IF those same people are not doing anything to better themselves. I am not saying every person complaining in Allendale County (or every proponent of more government involvement and 'free' programs) falls under this assumption, but I can say witnessing years of generational poverty with government money and programs thrown at it does not seem to be working. I DON'T mean to sound heartless at all when I say life is not fair. It is not fair that people are born into generational poverty, it is also not fair that not all babies are born "healthy" or "smart". It's not "fair" that tornadoes and earthquakes happen. It's not "fair" that people who WORK aren't RICH. It's not fair that people who work are the people who are taxed while there are SOME people who DON'T work (but are capable - and I'm really talking about able-bodied people here) who reap the benefits. It's not fair that Sally worked 3 jobs to pay off student loans and Bob gets his paid for "free" because he complains enough or was born a generation later or government decides they want to eliminate all student debt. There is so much about life that is not "fair" that if we linger on it long enough we would ALL be a dying, bitter, hurtful people waiting for someone to save us. (I believe God is the only One that is capable of that.) However, the only thing in this life we will ever be able to control is our own attitude, our own beliefs, our own values and our own DRIVE TO SUCCEED. There are many testaments to being born into generational poverty that succeeded and they all have a common factor - the drive and will to succeed. I also agree generational wealth is a thing....however, that only lasts so long if following generations don't continue some type of effort of work, networking, or learning the value of life and a dollar.....because - we all know, you can have all the money and connections in the world, but if the money disappears a lot of your connections and 'friends' do too...…. and if you don't have the desire to pick yourself up and the willingness to work then the generational wealth ends too. Thank you for RESPECTFULLY sharing your opinion! It means a lot to have conversations when both sides can share their opinions without attacking:)

Sooo…..I finished my response and tried to hit ‘reply’ or ‘enter’ or whatever you do and it said the poster had deleted the comment. To be honest, I was sad I didn’t get to say more on what I was feeling in that open forum. It’s like I’m caught between being a bleeding heart and facing the reality that continuing to enable people only makes things worse…..and trust me I think there is a HUGE difference in serving and giving versus enabling. I may never know why my facebook friend deleted her post. I wasn’t offended by it. I was happy she tactfully shared her opinion.

PART III

Now, let me tell you about the “other side” in my heart.

Do I think injustice occurs?

Yes.

Do I think reparations should be made?

That is a loaded question.

Let me tell you a couple of stories.

If you’ve made it this far you either love reading, love what I’m saying….or enjoying the amusement because you think I’m full of poo!

Anyway, here’s my first story.

For some reason I’ve always had a fascination with the struggle of the black male. I did a lot of my undergrad and grad work on research of the young, at-risk black male. Now, looking at me, it’s pretty obvious I’m not exactly anything close to a black male…..and I can’t tell you why that was something that peaked my interest….unless it was just a time when there was so much study dedicated to the education gap between black males and other students….I was an education major, by the way. (obviously did not major in English – ‘cause lots of run- on sentences when I write….I write from passion and emotion – not the MLA…..but I’m way off topic….)

Let’s try again.

First story.

There was a young black kid. I’ll call him ‘S.”

“S” was enrolled in a setting that put him as a minority.

Yes, nearly every other student in the room looked like him. They were probably 90% black males – the rest were black females.

However, he was still the minority.

Nearly every other student was happy (or embarrassed) to share their street stories with me….a few didn’t really trust me so they didn’t really share much. I think some might have even made up street stories just to fit in with the others.

“S” was different.

“S” took his work seriously. “S” understood he had made a mistake and had to pay for his mistake. From rumors I later heard, the actions that landed S where he was may have even been out of self-defense…..but ‘S’ never told me that. He only told me about the action he made that sealed his fate for the next year – to be enrolled in this setting.

“S” intermittently asked when his ‘punishment’ would be over. I would reiterate that it was for the remainder of the year. I would then go to the people who could uphold or change that decision and beg for this kid to have another chance. My biggest fear is he would succumb to what was around him day in and day out. “S” never complained. He continued to do his work, respect those around him and focus on his goal.

“S” was in a setting day in and day out surrounded by people who looked like him…..surrounded by people who had open disregard for many forms of authority…surrounded by people who did not fully understand the relevance in education…..surrounded by people without visualized goals.

“S” was in a setting that all odds were stacked against him. Yet, “S” stayed focused.

Some of the other adults and I POURED praise and positivity into this kid. I felt like we did it for every kid…..but there was something different about this one…..

You could see it in his smile, in his calm manner. This kid was different.

I don’t know a thing about his family or his outward circumstances. I imagine he had some good support in his life…..but I have no way of knowing that. If he had problems, he never spoke about them. He only spoke about his goal, what he had to do to get ‘done with his punishment’ and thankfulness for anything that I or anyone else did for him.

I prayed for this kid, a lot. I wanted so badly for him to make it….to overcome the obstacles he faced from simply being in the wrong environment to help him succeed.

I’m happy to say that “S” succeeded. He ended up graduating a year early and met his goal of what he wanted to do after graduation.

I would love to say “S” succeeded because I or other adults in his life helped push him that way….BUT it was EVIDENT this kid had the INTRINSIC desire to make his circumstances better. You CAN’T will that into someone. People will not better themselves until they are ready.

Just like some of the kids who were – or had been – in the same setting as “S”……kids who came from “good homes”……”good families”…….kids who had all their needs and most wants met……..the kids who failed to set or meet goals …..regardless of if the environment supports or hinders it…..it all comes down to the desire you have within yourself!

PART IV

When I truly get into my blog and writing a lot it’s always when GOD or SATAN (or BOTH) are working heavy on my heart. So many of the injustices and truths and untruths that create a stir in me cause me to reflect on my own life.

I wasn’t born into poverty.

I wasn’t born a minority.

I have good parents.

I have a good husband.

I have the most loving and caring teenage boys.

I had a life-changing little girl.

I pretty much thought of my self as a “good person.”


Until…..

Well, until I wasn’t so good anymore.

“In a season of sin and self-destruction back in 2015, I lost everything and hurt many people in the process. At 41 years old, I broke my life, I broke my family, and I broke the hearts of those who trusted me and looked to me for leadership.” Billy Graham’s grandson, Tullian Tchividjian wrote these words in a blog post a couple of weeks ago. He could have ripped the words right out of my heart and only changed the year and the age.

Satan keeps telling me I know nothing about pain or adversity.

Satan tells me I have no authority to speak of God’s grace when I screwed up so badly.

Satan tells me I will have to deal with the consequence of my sins infinitely.

I’ve vaguely talked of my struggles and picking up the pieces in the past several years….

…years after my baby (ZETA) died….

I mean I talked about how hard death is and how Satan throws all the questions….how grief grows and changes and lessens and continues…..

…but I’ve never talked specifically about the UGLY stuff…

The choices I made that caused so much heart ache for everyone around me.

I don’t have to talk about the specifics….

Just know, it was ugly.

The consequences of my actions were also ugly.

Thankfully (and I do not say that lightly) I had people around me hold me ACCOUNTABLE. Now, I’m not going to say I LIKED ANY of the accountability….I’m also not going to say that I liked all their METHODS (they’re human too)…..what I will say is that part of the reason I am standing today is because people held me ACCOUNTABLE. They tried not to let me use losing ZETA as an excuse to make poor decisions. They tried not to let me use the pain to take away my responsibilities. They tried not to let me fall into the deepest, darkest, depth of my soul and never return. Notice how many times I say “THEY TRIED?” I say tried because at some point I had to take responsibility for myself and I had to remember who God is….. All of those broken-hearted faces and crying eyes looking at me on some days could not make me change. Until you’ve been there you can’t understand it. I can’t even explain it. No goal, no direction….nothing……There is a hollow of a person there with no soul. When you feel as though you have no soul then little bothers you…...but at the same time everything in the world hurts….. Not even the people you love most pleading for you to be present can penetrate that deepest darkest point. It breaks my heart and makes me fall to my knees just thinking about it now…….it’s almost like an alternate form of reality…. It’s what I imagine drug addicts feel like at some point.

…… the bigger part of what I want you to know is that Satan is a liar.

I know a little about pain and adversity. I know that life is not fair. My pain may not be the same as yours or the same as those fighting for causes they believe in…..but my question is how much of what you/I impel do you/we truly believe in and how much do you/we blindly follow? We’re all guilty.

Satan wants us to believe that nothing better exists.

Satan wants us to attack without thought or discussion.

Satan wants us to believe that if we screw up the punishment is indefinite.

……while the consequences of sin may follow us all of our earthly lives, JESUS DIED ON A CROSS, to save us from that very sin and ACCEPTING HIM – WE ARE SAVED.

However, if we continue to live life without repentance, if we do not believe and accept Jesus Christ then we continue to be hopeless.

LOVE YOURSELF. LOVE EACH OTHER. ENCOURAGE YOURSELF. ENCOURAGE EACH OTHER. KEEP YOURSELF ACCOUNTABLE. KEEP EACH OTHER ACCOUNTABLE.

Injustice

Injustice.

It’s a word that’s been floating around in my mind for days.

Maybe weeks.

Maybe years.

I didn’t fully understand injustice in my own limited world until my baby was diagnosed with an unknown syndrome and died three years later. I didn’t fully understand the injustice parents of special needs children experience. I didn’t understand the injustice of a grieving parent. In so many ways, I wish I still didn’t understand, but I do.

It’s funny how I could feel such peace at the time and then go on to feel such injustice.

Such pain and heart break....such unfairness.

Injustice.

The injustice and hardness in my heart sometimes left me looking for someone or something to blame.

Most times the someone was me and sometimes the somethings were something I had chosen.

At times the ‘someones’ might be a doctor or some other person who might ‘just not understand.’.....it might have been a medication I took, something I ate, environmental toxins.

There were so many things physically ‘wrong’ with my baby there were plenty of ‘somethings’ I could blame. I remember watching lawyer commercials for drugs and environmental factors that claimed to cause certain health risks or birth defects and I thought....hmm maybe that caused Zeta’s problems. I even had a couple of lawyers contact me.

I remember a particularly trying time in the hospital (a time in which I still believe a lot of mistakes were made and covered up).....a time in which I wanted the people -who I felt failed- to pay...I wanted them to understand the pain their actions (and/or lack thereof) caused.

Injustice.

We’ve all felt it.

We’ve all known it.

There are more injustices in this world I’m passionate about.

The injustice our children face. The cruel dog-eat-dog world they face each day. The injustice that somehow my own boys might feel “less than” because they weren’t sports stars or aren’t going to pursue medicine or engineering as a career.....the injustice that at some point I’m just as guilty of being the one to make them feel less than. The injustice of all they have faced over time and the fact they have the most caring hearts and trust of God in a world that doesn’t value that as a priority.

The injustice of school children I’ve encountered. The fact that single parent homes are more common than two parent homes. The fact they were born into a cycle of poverty. The fact that They have not allowed God to penetrate the most hardened and broken pieces of their hearts. The fact they (more likely than not) don’t have the skills to break that cycle and turn to things like drugs and gangs. The fact that some of the toughest gang members could greet me with hugs and smiles and yes ma’am’s and no ma’am’s, not because I demanded (which technically, I guess I did), but because I respected them and they respected me.

The injustice of people just looking for somewhere to place blame. Just like farmers (less than 2% of the population) working to feed the entire world’s population and the entertainment industry throwing buzz words like GMO and glyphosate around without fully understanding.....and sometimes unfounded legislation and low, capped commodity prices continually making it more and more difficult to feed the people that think they’re trying to kill them.

The greatest injustice is that we’re a nation engaged in constant spiritual warfare and while we’re busy attacking EACH OTHER over all the injustices we feel, Satan is out there continuing to win people over. We worship money, we worship time, we worship strength and popularity. We worship the things that make us comfortable and give us the most gratification. Meanwhile, the injustices of the world continue, and we continue to feel the pain of it. Question is, what are we actually DOING to combat it? Are we praying, are we listening to each other, are we loving each other, are we trusting and following GOD? OR are we just complaining and attacking?

Reminder

If there’s a pile of dirty clothes....be thankful there are little (or not so little) people living in your house.

If the dishes are piled up....be thankful you have food to eat.

If you’re experiencing grief....be thankful for the love you shared.

If you’re feeling overwhelmed....be thankful for the responsibilities someone thought you could handle......be thankful for a mind that drives you to care.....and just always know that it could always be worse! I think we need to be constantly reminded that God NEVER promised an easy life on earth.......He promised SALVATION and ETERNAL life....IF we accept it....
There’s a difference...and very much worth the cost!

If you aren’t sure what God is doing in your life.....ask Him....read your Bible....talk about it.....just don’t let Satan sneak in....he can be a pretty good imposter.

Don’t wonder about what people are thinking about you....most people are too caught up in their own problems to worry about yours....

If they’re worried about yours then it’s for one of two reasons -
1. They care.
2. They have too much time on their hands.

I once read something like, “God didn’t create you as an end in yourself. He’s the end, you’re the means.”

That’s a pretty powerful statement considering the demands we can put on ourselves and each other.

Why does our human-ness cause us to fight battles that God has already won?

“You haven’t messed up God’s plan for your life. You, my dear, are not that powerful!”

Memories

Sometimes I wonder if I have some strange fascination with death.

Weird, I know.

It feels like I've been up close and personal with death too many times..... it's a time that forces you to reflect on LIFE.

I was with 3 of the most important people in my life when they died. My daughter, my grandmother and my grandfather.......maybe even a little more strange, I was on the phone with my aunt when she was in the hospital room with my other grandfather began having trouble and died unexpectedly after a hip operation.

Death.

It's kind of why this whole blog was started.

A journey of life, death, love.

Death

It's a stinging word.

Death

It's inevitable for every single one of us.

My "Pop" died and I thought the world would end. On that day, I watched the strongest man I knew slip away from this life while my grandmoma fought as hard as she could to make him stay. I thought she would crumble. I thought the farm would end. I thought we wouldn't have someone to always make sure everything was gonna be alright and teach us all about the things we didn't know.

My daughter died. I can't even begin to explain that to you. It just doesn't follow the natural order of life. It makes you QUESTION everything you know to be true and HOLD ON to all you know to be true at the same time. On that day, I watched her slip away - but was at peace knowing she didn't have to suffer any more.

My Grandmoma died. On that day, life turned upside down. Watching her fade away was like watching my lifeline float away. She kept our family together and always made everything ok. She defied all odds. She lived by herself, took care of herself......did all the things people her age 'shouldn't' be able to do. She was the kindest, most giving human being you could ever meet. Even in the waiting room at the hospital, my daddy and I were making plans on who would move in with her and help take care of her - just as we had done so many times before.....yet, this time....this time, she didn't need us any more....she wouldn't be coming back home...not to her physical home.....

My Grandaddy died in a hospital in Augusta while I was in a hospital in Charleston with my daughter. I barely made it to his funeral. She was fighting for her life while he lost his. I wondered how my grandmoma would go on............

Death....

It's a frightening dark thing.

....but it doesn't have to be like that....

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy.

That's what death does to the ones left behind.

Satan comes to destroy....to make us question the things we know.....to make the mourning seem so painful some days that we can't understand how we will possibly ever move on....

Christ came that we may have life and have it abundantly.

As humans, we don't always grasp this....

It's easy to fall in to the why me trap.....the nothing ever goes right....everybody has it better....why can't I have it my way trap.....

We don't understand it, but the good thing is......we don't have to.

We just have to have faith.

I’m processing

It takes me a while to process things.

People may take my ‘quietness’ as shyness, naivety, or disinterest.

....but really I’m just taking it all in....

I’m processing.

Stevie and I went for a walk today. I noticed my daddy’s labored breathing just before we left. This isn’t a huge alarm. It seems to happen frequently. He has a bad heart. He tries to play it off as congestion.

Stevie and I went for a walk.

We were almost back home. My daddy met us in the road. He basically stopped in the road while traffic was stopping behind him. We tried to motion him on.

He didn’t listen.

He stopped.

Then I realized he could hardly breathe.

Panic set in.

My outside remained calm, but I moved quickly.

We debated driving to the hospital or the fire department just a few blocks away.

The fire department won.

They called for an ambulance.

Not the first time this has happened.

Just the tachycardia.

They’ll fix it. They always do.

Helicopter called. This isn’t normal. It’s not ok. This isn’t what usually happens. My daddy can’t die. My Grandmoma died just a few weeks ago.

Two of the most important people in my life.

This is not ok.

My body remains calm. They’ll fix it. They always do.

Helicopter called off. Ambulance en route to MUSC.

He’s ok.

They fixed it. They always do.

....but what happens when they can’t.

I’m trying to process that....and I really can’t.

....but today....they fixed it....and for that I’m grateful.


*Edit - This was written in the spring while we were at the beach, but I'm just now posting.

The Aftermath

Six years....6 years. That really doesn’t sound like a long time....but....SIX YEARS.

Six years since I last held my baby girl....six years since I felt like I lost my identity....six years since I first looked in the faces of my sweet little boys and wondered if we made all the right choices.....six years since our family had to learn a new normal....again....

9 years since we adjusted to the new normal of life with a brand new baby....a baby with more profound medical needs than we (and most people) could ever imagine. A soul that taught me more about life than I knew in all the years I lived on earth.

...and then....

Three years....3 years of knowing God in the most intimate sense. Three years of accepting challenges and change. Three years of witnessing more miracles than we could ever imagine.

So much changed.

So much.

Six years. In six years I was closer to God than ever in my life....in six years I also made some of the biggest mistakes of my life....in six years I was loved. I was determined. I was faithful.

In six years I was also lost, isolated, selfish, and angry.

Six years.....or maybe 9. Who knows?

Our family's life has three eras- life before Zeta, life after Zeta, and life after we began to figure out how to pick up the pieces.....

I’ve missed writing. I’ve missed speaking. I’ve missed noticing all the infinite glory that surrounds us in the small things....oh how powerful the last few weeks of remembering 6 years (or 9) have been.

So....I’m a sentimental, sappy person. In the grand scheme of life, today was just another day that a 93 year old lady was buried....and the past few days were just a type of every day grief we all experience at some time in our life.....but to me (and I think I’m ok to say - also to our entire family) it felt like pieces of the world crumbled around us...like nothing else mattered....trying to figure out what happens next......When the center of your family is suddenly gone, well...what happens then? I’ll tell you what happens...you fight with everything you have to hold on... you comfort each other...and swallow your pride. You come together with those you haven’t seen in a while....and you put aside differences in order to pay respect to the one that taught you most about life...the one that was half of the beginning of generations. You just do.....what I want for myself is to work harder to be like the example she set for us....the Proverbs 31 woman.....just like Brian preached in her service today......

My grandmother has been my role model since ...well, since forever. I always wanted to be just like her. I wanted to cook huge meals and make delicious cakes (neither of which I do, by the way)....I wanted to go to fancy parties and serve on all kind of committees just like she did (don’t do much of that either)....I wanted lady friends who loved me fiercely (I have a couple)....and I wanted a husband that worshipped the ground I walked on (I did pretty good there). I wanted lots of clothes and shoes just like her (don’t think I have all that, but Stevie might disagree 😜).....I wanted lots of little people to love me...and I wanted to make them pancakes and let them eat a whole bowl of cake batter- just like her.....I wanted to sit at the table and read my Bible or study my lesson- just like her....there are so many things I could say that made me want to be just like her. There are sooo many reasons and sooo many memories. There was never a time she wasn’t a part of my life. I lived across the street from her almost my entire 40 plus years of life. She was a part of every ‘big’ event in my life and most small ones too.

However, the thing that keeps running over and over most in my mind is how she was there for me at two of the most trying times in my life- first when my daddy was hospitalized after a near fatal wreck that almost cost him his life- my sister and I ‘lived’ with her while my mom lived in the hospital with my daddy....and second- how she was there for me with Zeta.....she loved that baby with all of her might. Zeta was a pretty intimidating kid....I mean with all the monitors and machines and beeps and stuff....but....let me tell you, my Grandmoma came to my house on a daily basis when we weren’t in the hospital. She held Zeta....she talked to her...she wasn’t scared of her at all. My 80 ‘something’ year old grandmother was one of the greatest reasons I could hold strong each day....she rode with us to most every doctor and therapy appointment before we got a nurse and she even had the regrettable experience of going to the emergency room with us once.....it was after that I decided I would do all I could to make sure she never had to go to the er with us again.....long story short, I walked around a corner while we were waiting to be admitted to the hospital and I caught my sweet Grandmoma crying....eyes closed and face toward heaven ......begging for mercy for my child......it absolutely broke her to see my baby like that......Grandmoma would bring us a meal or some type of food almost every night. She would call a few times a day and sit with us for hours on end. She was my reminder not only that someone else loved my baby as fiercely as I did, but also that I had someone who loved ME ...AND my whole family like almost no one else but Jesus could.

I’m not the only person in my huge family that can tell you stories about how special our Grandmoma was...or about all the things she did....that’s what made her seem like a super hero. She could be every where, save everybody, love everybody, and still cook a 4 course meal and keep her house spotless by the end of the day.

I can only imagine the things she experienced throughout her life...I mean with all the children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren she had to worry about....thing is, there was never a sense of uneasiness around her...and you never felt a sense of disapproval...it’s weird, but the love she had just wanted to make you a better person...she didn’t have a need to share disapproval because you just had this innate desire to do what was right when you were around her...it’s the closest real life image of how I picture being in the presence of God....and let me tell you, if being in the presence of my grandmother is even a trillionth of a percent of what it’s like to be in Heaven then I want to go now!

There’s no doubt where Grandmoma is now- seeing so many people she’s missed. I can guarantee Pop and Uncle Robbie were the two she was most excited to see. After Uncle Robbie died she would often say to me, “you know what it’s like...there’s nothing like losing a child.” I would always reply,”No, Grandmoma, I don’t. You had him 70plus years. I had Zeta for 3.” I truly can’t imagine what that did to her heart and soul. What I do know is that he knew he had a moma who loved him, regardless of any shortcomings....just like I know my moma and Uncle Baynard know they had a moma who would (and somehow probably did) walk water for them.....just like I had a Grandmoma who loved me and made me feel like the most important person in the world....but somehow also made everyone else around her feel just like that too! Gosh, I miss her! ❤️