Zeta was admitted to the hospital again Thursday.
Before I go any further, I have to get something off my
chest.
The parking attendant ticked me off…….so much that I
cried……to the point of nauseousness………..
I was mad alright, but the madder I got the more I realized
it wasn’t the parking attendant’s fault
(although she was pretty catty). The
angrier I became the more I cried – the more I cried the sadder I got – I
realized that what was making me the most angry was the fact that we are back
at the hospital again. I was angry
because we were finally figuring out about life at home and now we were back
here. I was angry because this Christmas
was like Zeta’s first Christmas but now we’re here. I was angry because we practically missed the
whole Christmas season last year and we’re not supposed to be in the hospital
now. I was mad because my boys …..oh, my
boys……if I’m so mad I wonder how they’re
doing……If I’m so mad then I wonder how Zeta feels……Oh, wow – my baby is back in the hospital….then
I was SAD. How unfair.
I am sick of my baby being sick! She had been doing so well……but I knew
this was coming. She has been sick for a
few weeks……only I didn’t know things were going to get this bad.
We started November out with an ear infection. She did well for about a week then became
sick again. This time it seemed like
something respiratory – then another ear infection…..then instead of getting
better, her temperature just kept climbing ……..and then the seizures
started. We had not had a single glimpse of the ‘BIG’
seizures since July. I should have known something was seriously
wrong by this time, but I think I was in denial. Even when we were in the ER I never would have thought she would have been as sick as
she was.
Zeta had a raging UTI (been quite a while since we’ve
battled one of those too) and her single kidney was failing to do its job
efficiently. She began swelling so quickly that it was almost like watching
someone blow up a balloon. Her labs were
all over the place…”this is too high, that’s too low….we want to see this
number improve….we’re going to watch this one for a little while then we might
need to do something different”…. My poor baby has been so swollen that she
could not move her hands or feet. They
looked as though they could burst any minute.
Any place that something rubbed on her skin she would get a
blister. She is so miserable! My poor
baby.
Thankfully, she is making improvement. Although still swollen, there is a tremendous
difference in yesterday and today. She
even managed to smile some last night.
Her latest labs look good and the last urine culture shows that the
infection is clearing. She still acts miserable. I know I would be miserable too though.
If all continues to go well, hopefully, we won’t be here
much longer!
I apologize for not posting sooner, but I think Trina has
done a pretty good job keeping everyone updated on the Team Zeta Prayer Warrior
page…..
Plus….if I would have been posting sooner you would have
been privy to my temper tantrum…..let me tell you, I don’t have room in my head
or heart for many more episodes like that.
I realized I have to turn my focus back to what is important, that I
cannot dwell on all that is wrong – or it will make me nuts…. Last night I was reading an article that used
a term: “whack-a-mole misery”- …..wow, I
thought – that is just how I feel………..you know the game – once you punch down
one of the little creatures another pops up and you’re chasing it all around
trying to ‘whack-a-mole’…….Ever get that feeling? Like once you put one fire out another one
starts? The past few days I feel like
I’ve been getting a test in endurance.
This time, my friend, I failed….I let everything fall apart in my
mind. All I could think was, “I don’t
want to go back to the way things were.
I don’t think I can watch my baby turning blue or sedated every day and
living in a hospital again.” The great
thing is that this morning when I woke up I realized that God was still
there. Zeta is making improvement and my
strength is renewed…. and I know that I have another opportunity to use this
experience in a positive way……
I’m not angry anymore.
But…….I am
weary. I worry that we have more
hospital stays to look forward to or that Zeta’s urologist will tell us
tomorrow that it’s time for the ‘big’ surgery.
We assumed (and were told) that the initial surgery done to help prevent
kidney damage may not work and if it did it would likely not be a permanent
fix, but we’ve become so comfortable with the way things have been. I do not want to start over again. I keep telling myself that it’s not going to
happen – that she will not be as sick as she used to be. I’m fighting every voice in my head that
tries to tell me otherwise (and in case you’re wondering, no- I don’t really
actually hear voices). I guess what I’m trying to say is I’m scared. I’m usually the one begging the doctors to
let us go home, but this time……this time, I’m afraid that they’re actually
going to have to push me out. Right now
it doesn’t help that although all the tests are coming back better she is still
absolutely miserable and is acting nowhere near her normal self.
….and another issue?......a few days before she was
admitted I kept thinking that Zeta’s breath smelled fishy…………well with all the
antibiotics and possible upper respiratory stuff I assumed that would cause bad
breath……….but me, professional internet doctor, looked up ‘fishy breath’. Guess what it said? Kidney failure!!! Why did I not get her to the hospital? Why did I explain it away? (other than the simple fact that anything you
look up on the internet is going to say that you have cancer, liver failure,
kidney failure, etc) She had been
fighting (what seemed to be) the same illness for too long. Why didn’t I think something else was going
on? I’m her mother. I’m supposed to know these things! I
understand that there is no way I could have known for sure. I know that I would never purposefully let
any of my children suffer. I know that
some people will say I couldn’t have known and others may say that I should
have…….
Can you tell I’ve been feeling a little guilt here too?
All I can say is that I have faith that we will get through
this ……this is one of the times I will openly say I’m holding onto a string. My
head keeps trying to tell me one thing…..but….my heart….my soul…..my God…………….
are whispering another………………
……..For unto whomsoever much is given, of him shall be much
required…… Luke 12:48
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