Have you ever noticed that we seem to learn the most from things that are the most difficult....
Take for instance the curious child. You can tell him all day that the stove is hot and will burn him. However, the lesson he NEVER forgets is when he actually TOUCHES the stove and gets burned.
Why do we have to be so stubborn?
When Zeta was admitted to the hospital again earlier this month I could feel the world crashing all around me. In many ways it hit me worse than when she was first born. I suppose I felt a little entitled. After all, we had flown across the country to 'get her seizures fixed' and it seemed to have worked. I just couldn't let my mind wrap around the fact that we were in the hospital again and that there were a few pretty big seizures involved too. (Don't forget we had actually spent 4 months at home - a very considerable accomplishment in Zeta's world.)
I just could not understand it. I didn't want to accept it. I may not have shown it to everyone around me, but I was mad. Mad at the world. I did not want to go back there again. I was refusing to accept the situation and it was making it all worse (for me anyway). I thought I had learned a long time ago, that I can't control anything and that I have to just let go......but not this time - this time I was trying to hold onto my own control as long as I could. I was going to refuse to accept reality. I was not going to go back to having a sick baby. Well, we see how that ended up. Zeta was sick - very sick. She was in the hospital and I would have to accept it.
Well, obviously I did accept it, but it was kind of like I was telling myself - "I might accept it, but I don't have to like it." Not that anyone actually likes being in the hospital - but I suppose, in a way, I was still refusing to relinquish control. You see, I liked being at home. I liked sleeping in my own bed. I liked being able to spend more time with the rest of my family. I liked having a child that was little more predictable - and more pink rather than blue. I liked feeling in control.
In the moment she spiked the first really high fever and had a seizure - I lost control. In the moment they told me she had another uti and that her kidney function was diminished - I lost control. Finally, I remembered that I never actually had control. I didn't realize how much I had been taking for granted. It took me a while to get over all of this again. I was really afraid I was going to be permanently bitter.....but.....the bitterness turned to sadness.............and finally, I came to realize that I really still do have a lot to be thankful for.
Maybe I began to have a better understanding when I picked my boys up from school one day this week. I saw an old friend whom I knew could relate to what I was feeling. She had a child that was sick from cancer. As I sat and complained and told her all of the awful feelings that I usually hide from everyone else she listened and I knew that she truly understood. Then, it hit me.........the difference between her and me is that my baby is here. Yes, she went through many of the same things that we are going through, but my baby is here.....we still have the opportunity for another day.....and then....only then.....did I realize how absolutely selfish I had become......
That night, I read an email that told me of another child who had dealt with hypothalamic hamartoma(the overgrowth of brain tissue Zeta was diagnosed with last year). I don't know all of the details, but this child was 'typical developing' and was beating odds, but died unexpectedly in her sleep earlier this week. She was 8 years old.
Do I realize that I'll probably have to deal with death one day?.........yes...............do I know when, who, or where? no............What I realized in that moment is that my friends had learned a very hard lesson, but one they will never forget - COMPASSION............it's the same lesson I've been learning for the past two years.
Perhaps I further came to understand how very much we have to be thankful for as both our families all stood in our house yesterday, and Stevie prayed and thanked God for the blessings that we've received this year.
Yeah - we've come a long way baby!
So, when you're going through what you feel may be the most difficult circumstance of your life try to remember that somewhere out there, someone knows exactly what you're going through......and someone, somewhere may even be dealing with something much worse than you. Don't try to take control.....give it to God and try to find what it is you should learn from the situation............
Trust me, it's much easier than kicking and screaming like a 2 year-old!
No comments:
Post a Comment