Be still, I am with you (and I have plans for you too).

I keep searching for the word that describes what I’ve been feeling.

Fear? Pity? Anger? Not exactly……..restless???..........then I feel that calm assurance of someone telling me, “Be still, I am with you.”

All I can tell you is that I’m feeling some pretty big emotions all wrapped up into one.

When I close my eyes I see a limp, lifeless baby in my arms. I haven’t been able to get that image out of my eyes yet. When I sleep the nightmares come.

Then I start thinking……

about death……..

death is natural right?..........Why then, has it felt so UN-natural every time I’ve seen my baby cheat death…..and why does it feel as though she has been fighting death so many days of her life? There is a reason.  There has to be a reason that it keeps happening.  I WISH I fully understood it.  I understand the good that has come of our whole experience, but that doesn’t erase my questions.  That doesn’t cancel our pain.

I’ve been thinking about a few times in her life that really stand out.  I still don’t recall every instance of what happened during those times.  I see flashes of memories.  I feel the intense emotions wrapped in a single second.  I see the chaplain coming to speak to me, and think – this is strange…... I watch myself – like an out of body experience…..just the way I felt this past week.

I keep saying, “I don’t want to go there again.  I don’t want her life – our life- to be that way again.” I find myself asking ‘why’ again.

I try not to let myself ‘go there’ too much……I do believe it would breed insanity, but for now it keeps creeping in…….

Then I remember all that we have overcome.  I think about the lessons learned.  I look at how God has healed, yet I still worry that maybe his answer is not the one I want or expect. 

I think about Job. “Therefore I will not keep silent; I will speak out in the anguish of my spirit, I will complain in the bitterness of my soul….Have you made me your target?  Have I become a burden to you?” God gave us the ability to grieve.  The ability to question and the ability to become angry or feel less than hopeful.   However, just as God proved himself to Job he has proven Himself to me – over and over.  So I know that I can trust in whatever happens.  “You are not your own.  You were bought at a price.” 1 Corinthians 6:19-20  “This is the way; walk in it.” Isaiah 30:20-21.  Basically, God has shown me over and over that He is in control and I have to trust that.

If you don’t know Him follow the link and see the price that was paid for me and why I believe……… (Warning: it is a graphic depiction of the Crucifixion…yet one that needs to be told)

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Faz9MTs8JOY&feature=related

Oh, and by the way, as I picked up a book to look for some scripture you could only guess what I saw first......

Enough said!!