Finding courage....

Do not be terrified: do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go. Joshua 1:9

Want to know something about me?  I don’t actually talk about my feelings too much.  Really, I can write fairly freely all day, but I certainly don’t like talking about the way I feel.  I suppose part of it is because I feel I get too emotional if I’m upset or if I’m criticized….. and the other part may be because I don’t like asking for help or causing conflict or worrying anyone else with my trivial ‘stuff’.  I guess I assume that if someone wants to know how I feel they can read – or not read- my posts.  If I’m talking about what I feel then most people won’t just politely walk away if they’re bored or uncomfortable…….you know what I mean….I don’t want to make anyone feel awkward….

AND>>>

I don’t like feeling vulnerable……………

Since some of my recent posts ,one of Zeta’s therapists told me about Brene’ Brown. (Google her and listen to some of her talks on vulnerability)…….No one likes feeling vulnerable……..For instance, have you ever felt like if anyone knew the “true” you they would be disappointed?....but what I’ve always said is that I feel empowered through my posts.  Like I’m purging and sharing some of my innermost thoughts, fears, and accomplishments…(don’t get too excited, believe it or not, I don’t really share my every  thought or fear or accomplishment.) What I’ve also found is that through my posts people are able to minister to me and give me encouragement.  I started blogging because I wanted to help other parents in similar situations know that someone else ‘gets’ it – that they’re not alone.  What I’ve found is that in being true to myself (and to you the reader) I’ve learned so much more than I would have ever imagined.

I guess….maybe….I sometimes wish we could all be more vulnerable…..I think we could learn a lot from each other……but oh, how difficult………

Some say that with vulnerability comes courage………funny, it doesn’t always feel that way, does it? 

It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that maybe I’ve been dealing with some discouraging feelings as of late.  With Zeta, I’ve often felt as if I’M> ON> A> MISSION……..

Does this sound familiar to any of you????

We may have very different reasons for our ‘research’ but when I saw this I had to laugh- because it has so much truth to it.  I feel as though I could have written quite a few doctorate level research papers the past couple of years with all the medical research I relentlessly throw myself into…….Well, if you’ve read some of my most recent posts you may realize that I’m constantly questioning all of the research .... and the methods ....and all the madness.  I wonder if the decisions we make are the right ones.  I wonder if we always choose the way we’re supposed to or just the way our hearts tell us to go.  I wonder if the way of our hearts matches God’s plans or if we script our own agendas.  I get discouraged.  Not always because of the path set before me, but because I don’t know the right answer and I don’t know if I’m doing things the right way…..I feel vulnerable……..and discouraged………and yes, sometimes shameful.......

Whats ironic is that I didn’t really realize that’s what I was feeling until a few friends (unbeknown to each other) kindly pointed it out to me…….

One went so far as to send a page out of her daily devotional with the following highlighted:

Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.  Joshua 1:9  Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, ‘I will try again tomorrow.’ We can turn to God for the courage to try again tomorrow. 

Even for those who trust God, sometimes just showing up is a victory.

Then it hit me like a ton of bricks………..part of the reason I’ve felt discouraged is because I feel if I’m not reading the latest research or contemplating the next test or remedy or the newest treatment  then I’m not doing anything to help her……. When, in reality that’s not the case at all………sometimes it’s just good to sit still and let God be God…..and it doesn’t hurt to be a little vulnerable sometimes too……..

I’m never going to know all the answers…..I won’t ever fix it all…………but it’s never been mine alone…….

Zeta has continued to have a difficult month.  We’re home, which is great…..and she’s definitely not as sick as she ‘can’ be…….but it’s still discouraging when she regresses. It’s disheartening seeing her back on the ventilator every day and missing out on therapy and a lot of family time, too.  (There again, I need to keep repeating that verse, do not be terrified....do not be discouraged......God..be with you.... over and over again in my head.)

On a happy note, I’d like to share about a  recent project Steven did for school.  He had to do a power point presentation on a famous person.  He chose his sister.  He and Mrs. Bolen, his teacher, worked secretly to surprise me.  I’m not sure that she realizes how much it meant to Steven ( and to us) to work on this project.  She could have told him that Zeta wasn’t famous and he probably would have obediently chosen another person, but she didn’t.   I sure hope  he realizes that the joy I felt for his project was not because he chose his sister, but more importantly because it shows the pride and compassion  he feels.  It shows the mature understanding he holds and at the same time it means a type of vulnerability and growth that a lot of 10 year olds have not yet encountered.  I am humbled by his understanding and his love for his brother and sister (and his ability not to get discouraged) every day!