It happened

Honestly, I would much rather keep all of this information to myself.....but I suspect if I am going to fully heal I will need to purge my feelings....and if I plan on helping another soul I'm obligated to share, right?

 

Everyone saw this coming……..except me.

Ever experienced a panic attack?  In the past few years I’ve experienced waves of panic that I was able to talk myself out of….  I mean, I don’t have time for a nervous breakdown.  I’ve always been successful in my positive self-talk…..until the other day.   I cracked.  I mean, I had a full blown Green Mile- John Coffey-  evil expelling type of attack.

There was no particular trigger.  It was a normal day.  I was getting ready to feed Zeta. Then I started to feel dizzy.  This had happened infrequently over the course of the past couple of years, but just this week it had been worsening.  On this day, I couldn’t make it stop.  I couldn’t get a sense of relief.  The images of the room ran in and out and I fell.  I feared I would black out and no one would be here to take care of Zeta.  Then I couldn’t breathe.  I managed to call my mom, but couldn’t get any words out, then I fell again.  Then the wails and screams started. They seemed to emanate from the depths of my bowels.  I was very aware of everything that was going on, but I could not control it. I couldn’t make it stop.  I couldn’t see, I couldn’t breathe.  I couldn’t make it ok. I felt selfish, ashamed, helpless.   I kept trying to tell everybody I was ok, that I could breathe, but I couldn’t breathe…… but in my mind I wondered if I was going to pass out or if they would take me to a mental health facility. Then the bolts of numbness in my arms and legs…..maybe this isn’t a panic attack, maybe I AM having a heart attack.  What if I die?  What about my children, my husband, my parents?

Needless to say I went to see a doctor and we’re working on getting the help that I need.  What I feel most is embarrassment.  My mind was raped, and my soul is still struggling to recover.  What I fear most is that it will happen again.  All I want to do now is stay in bed and crawl under the covers.  They say it’s a battle of depression, but I don’t feel depressed.  I feel as though my body failed me.  That my control left me…..and now I have to pick up the pieces. 

I, of all people, do not have a right to experience anxiety.  I have the most loving husband and children.  A family that would move mountains for me and a team of support that encircles our family every day.    Frankly, other people looking in don’t see it that way.  Doctors were trying to medicate me just after Zeta was born.  My mom has encouraged me ‘to go see about myself’ for quite some time, even some of Zeta’s therapists and care team have subtly encouraged me to do the same……As a matter of fact my mother-in-law started telling my husband to watch me closely two weeks ago because I was going to have a nervous breakdown (little did I know) but I didn’t feel depressed or anxious.  Sure there are moments, but who doesn’t have moments?  This shouldn’t have happened to me.  I’m a self-proclaimed expert in coping skills and self-help techniques.  The queen of calm……..BUT it happened….it happened to me…..and you know what?  I’m going to be okay.

No one thinks panic or anxiety or depression should happen to them.  I’ve witnessed its affects (and effects) first hand.  I’ve seen panic attacks, and now I’ve experienced one. I’ve listened as friends or co-workers talked in hushed tones about their loved one battling depression or a breakdown.  It is real.  I’ve always believed that, but until my own experience I did not realize what an impact it truly takes on your mental AND physical being. It is a very intimidating, isolating feeling.  It can make you physically ill and also make you feel like the most self-absorbed person on earth. It not only hurts you but the ones around you.  So, please if you’re dealing with it please get help – medical, physical, spiritual…..I believe these all have strong components in healing.  If others turn you away or minimize your problems keep looking for help.  Surround yourself with positive energy…..and pray. 

Don’t look down on me for what I have shared.  Don’t give me pity.  Don't go ask my mom or grandma how I'm coping.  Just surround me with love and support.  Love and support and pray for my family…for Stevie, for my boys, for Zeta, for my parents, grandparents and my sister and her family.  We’re all in this together and I know God will lead us through.

PS Please don't take it personally if I haven't responded to texts, phone calls, etc.  I've had my phone and computer turned off and just trying to let my mind and body rest.