Ever
experienced a panic attack? In the past
few years I’ve experienced waves of panic that I was able to talk myself out of…. I mean, I don’t have time for a nervous
breakdown. I’ve always been successful
in my positive self-talk…..until the other day.
I cracked. I mean, I had a full blown Green Mile- John
Coffey- evil expelling type of attack.
There was no
particular trigger. It was a normal
day. I was getting ready to feed Zeta.
Then I started to feel dizzy. This had
happened infrequently over the course of the past couple of years, but just
this week it had been worsening. On this
day, I couldn’t make it stop. I couldn’t
get a sense of relief. The images of the
room ran in and out and I fell. I feared
I would black out and no one would be here to take care of Zeta. Then I couldn’t breathe. I managed to call my mom, but couldn’t get
any words out, then I fell again. Then
the wails and screams started. They seemed to emanate from the depths of my
bowels. I was very aware of everything
that was going on, but I could not control it. I couldn’t make it stop. I couldn’t see, I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t make it ok. I felt selfish,
ashamed, helpless. I kept trying to
tell everybody I was ok, that I could breathe, but I couldn’t breathe…… but in
my mind I wondered if I was going to pass out or if they would take me to a
mental health facility. Then the bolts of numbness in my arms and legs…..maybe
this isn’t a panic attack, maybe I AM having a heart attack. What if I die? What about my children, my husband, my
parents?
Needless to
say I went to see a doctor and we’re working on getting the help that I
need. What I feel most is embarrassment. My mind was raped, and my soul is still
struggling to recover. What I fear most
is that it will happen again. All I want
to do now is stay in bed and crawl under the covers. They say it’s a battle of depression, but I
don’t feel depressed. I feel as
though my body failed me. That my
control left me…..and now I have to pick up the pieces.
I, of all
people, do not have a right to experience anxiety. I have the most loving husband and
children. A family that would move
mountains for me and a team of support that encircles our family every
day. Frankly, other people looking in
don’t see it that way. Doctors were
trying to medicate me just after Zeta was born.
My mom has encouraged me ‘to go see about myself’ for quite some time,
even some of Zeta’s therapists and care team have subtly encouraged me to do
the same……As a matter of fact my mother-in-law started telling my husband to
watch me closely two weeks ago because I was going to have a nervous breakdown
(little did I know) but I didn’t feel depressed or anxious. Sure there are moments, but who doesn’t have
moments? This shouldn’t have happened to
me. I’m a self-proclaimed expert in
coping skills and self-help techniques.
The queen of calm……..BUT it happened….it happened to me…..and you know
what? I’m going to be okay.
No one
thinks panic or anxiety or depression should happen to them. I’ve witnessed its affects (and effects)
first hand. I’ve seen panic attacks, and
now I’ve experienced one. I’ve listened as friends or co-workers talked in
hushed tones about their loved one battling depression or a breakdown. It is real.
I’ve always believed that, but until my own experience I did not realize
what an impact it truly takes on your mental AND physical being. It is a very
intimidating, isolating feeling. It can
make you physically ill and also make you feel like the most self-absorbed person
on earth. It not only hurts you but the ones around you. So, please if you’re dealing with it please
get help – medical, physical, spiritual…..I believe these all have strong
components in healing. If others turn
you away or minimize your problems keep looking for help. Surround yourself with positive energy…..and
pray.
Don’t look
down on me for what I have shared. Don’t
give me pity. Don't go ask my mom or grandma how I'm coping. Just surround me with love
and support. Love and support and pray
for my family…for Stevie, for my boys, for Zeta, for my parents, grandparents
and my sister and her family. We’re all
in this together and I know God will lead us through.
PS Please don't take it personally if I haven't responded to texts, phone calls, etc. I've had my phone and computer turned off and just trying to let my mind and body rest.
