Where are you sleep?
I do believe that ignorance is truly sometimes bliss.
Sometimes I wish I wasn't curious. I wish I was completely naive. I wish I could just let things be. I wish I could just always blindly follow doctors and just WAIT for them to tell me what to do..........but no, I just can't help myself. THEY'RE the ones who spent their lives training for this, right? They're the ones who have the experience, right? All of that is VERY TRUE......I've said this before and I'll say it again.....I grew up thinking that doctors were pretty close to God and the preacher. I mean, YOU DO WHAT THEY SAY.........because THEY KNOW.....but they don't always know.....they can't....they aren't GOD and it is very unfair for anyone to put that kind of pressure on a person. Don't get me wrong, this is MOST DEFINITELY NOT a rant of any sort because we are BLESSED BEYOND MEASURE with the most CARING AND AWESOME medical team..........this is just a fight WITH MYSELF. If I could blindly follow the doctors I would just assume everything is going to be ok. I would go to sleep faithful that tomorrow we'd wake up and there would be a new plan in place and that Zeta will be ALL BETTER in a few days. Thing is, my mind is having NONE OF THAT right now. Everyone else is asleep (exactly what I should be doing, I suppose) but NO - I feel the OVERWHELMING need to sit here and replay every past illness, every hospitalization, every trial and error we've been through. I sit and choose to research every little symptom - past and present. I even choose to start researching Chancelor's symptoms even though he is getting better. I choose to read until my head hurts. I choose to read until my eyes blur. I choose to play the what-ifs over and over in my head until there isn't room left for much of anything else. Do you know what happens when you start becoming an internet doctor???? I'm sure plenty of you have become your own internet doctor at any given point and you know that any symptom you google is eventually going to lead to cancer, death, and some rare disease. Now, add all that with the fact that you ALREADY have a child with enough rare stuff going on to write a book and just imagine what you're going to find. Internet doctor - yep, that's me. I don't think I'm showing a tremendous amount of faith in the system.
Know what? I'm not sure it's showing much faith in God either.
That's why it's a fight within myself........because I DO HAVE faith that our medical team IS doing, HAS done, and WILL CONTINUE to do what they feel will help Zeta. I sure as heck have FAITH IN GOD. How many times has He blessed us already? How many times is it written that although our earthly life is not necessarily designed with ease in mind, our HEAVENLY life IS - well, HEAVENLY and ETERNAL. Where we are now is temporary.
I don't think I've struggled with quite these same feelings since before we decided to just kind of step back and just keep Zeta 'comfortable'. I don't know where it comes from, or why. No, I take that back - I know exactly where it comes from. It comes from being a mother. It comes from falsely convincing oneself that if you KNOW enough, THINK enough, BELIEVE enough and LOVE enough that you'll find a way to FIX it or at least that EVERYTHING WILL BE ALRIGHT.. Sadly, I think it's just part of our DNA.....then again, maybe it's not so sad.....I mean, I am supposed to be my children's advocate, right? I am supposed to protect them, right? Only, I think there must be a fine line between doing all that and driving yourself absolutely mad.
I seem to ramble more when I'm lost here in this place in my head. It's like I have all this emotion to get out.....and the most constructive way I've found to deal with it is to write. I don't expect answers. I don't expect someone to tell me what I'm doing is right or wrong. I don't expect pity. Mostly, I just want to.......get it all out, I guess. I want to make sure that if anyone else ever feels like this maybe they can feel a little normal. I want to make sure that everyone knows that FAITH is what brings us through every single challenge. That I do sometimes question things, that I don't always understand, and that it is not always easy..........but.......BUT my heart, my faith rests on my SAVIOR....and I will continue to give it to Him and talk about it until I can't talk (well, write) anymore.....
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