Here goes nothing

I still feel as though I'm going to throw up as I type this post.

You see, yesterday was a super-emotional day for me. I knew it time I opened my eyes just before 5am. I was restless and could not sleep. My body physically ached. I already knew I was going to hate the world for the day and I could not go to sleep and I could not quit crying. I could feel my heart trying to get out of my chest. My hands were numb. My head throbbed. I did not want anyone to touch me, talk to me or even look at me.

Thankfully, Stevie and the boys were all still safely tucked into bed.

For a while I just tried to keep busy. I wasn't actually FEELING anything. I didn't WANT to feel anything. I just wanted to be. It's much easier to stay numb than to accept your feelings......only my body was not having anymore of the shutting down yesterday. I tried as hard as I could to fight it.....but my feelings wanted out.....or rather - I think that I needed to ALLOW myself to feel. It was just one of those days.

I will attempt to explain this - which it may all sound rather odd because even to me it sounds strange when I think it.........

Regardless, it is what has been going on in my world the past few days.

You see, when Zeta went to be with Jesus (or whatever term you choose to use - I find that I still have not decided on how I best like to say any of that) I focused on the fact that she was no longer struggling and the fact that she was healed - I see a strong parallel between that time and the time when she was trached....I hated for her to have to depend on machines for life, but she was no longer struggling and no longer miserable. My faith ABSOLUTELY kept me from going nuts. Looking at it now, I see exactly how I was CARRIED through that whole time. Thinking about the days that followed Zeta's death - I was not the one walking and talking and speaking - It was God and only Him. I could not have had that type of strength.

Well, I guess the past few days has been leading up to me relying on my own strength or perhaps just God letting me get in touch with myself and reminding me that I am human and that I will always need him - I'm not sure exactly what is going on, but I have definitely been in touch with my feelings and I've definitely been counting my blessings as I feel the pain.

After Zeta died I did see her in the casket - briefly....and that was my choice. She looked like an angel in her white dress and bow. She was peaceful. She had no machines and she lay there- like a doll. I've always hated when people talk about how good dead people look.....and right now I hate adding MY CHILD to the list of DEAD people.....only that's just it - her body IS dead. Anyway, I went to the funeral home, saw her body - and that was that. In my mind that was it. She was gone - her soul was in heaven. She was free, she was healed. She would never suffer again. In my thought processes again I don't think I ever gave another thought to her physical body.

You know, a lot of people spend a lot of time at the cemetery after a loved one dies. They go there to visit their loved one. They talk to their loved one - I suppose they feel most connected to their loved one at the place where their body rests. I thought for sure I would be one of those people. I know that Stevie visits Zeta's graveside every morning and every evening on his way to and from work and we have visited some together.......but for me, well, I don't know....I go there - but it is not my daily mission to make it there and if I miss it sometimes I don't even give it a second thought. I've never felt connected to her there. It's just a plot of dirt and some flowers. I've never thought of her being there.

Well, I went to the cemetery with Stevie Saturday morning. I guess maybe it was the first time I heard him speak out loud to her there, I'm not even sure- but it ABSOLUTELY broke my heart. Something in me dropped and it was like I realized for the first time that my baby's body is there - in the ground - lifeless. I went back and replayed the graveside service over and over in my mind. Yes I saw the vault lowered in the ground. I knew that vault contained the casket that had just left the church and I also knew that casket contained the body of my little girl that I had seen at the funeral home, BUT during the service what I kept most in my mind was that my baby no longer suffered. That what lay there in that vault was merely a shell- just like a doll baby. MY baby had already departed from earth - the funeral was for us - the ones who stayed behind and it was a celebration of her life and all the lessons we learned from this dear sweet baby. I was not mourning the dead body of my child at her funeral. I was remembering every miracle we witnessed, every blessing she helped us enjoy and relishing in the fact that she was no longer suffering. That is what saved me in the days after she died.

Well, yesterday.........for some reason, yesterday was just hard. I'm not sure if it was the devil or God or both working on my heart. I'm human. I know this.....but - I ALWAYS want to feel the PEACE that God blessed me with during the times that I would have fallen if I had been left to my own devices. The PEACE that God provides transcends anything that I would dare to even attempt to describe. We ALL have the ability to tap that peace. I can say that it's simple because all you have to do is BELIEVE - but I know, from experience, that for most people it takes being stripped of any of your own power, thoughts, or control in order to fully experience that peace ----and trust me, I know it is not always a pleasant experience that gets you there.

There are 3 things that have consumed my mind lately - 1) What is it that I should be doing with my life 2) Am I truly giving my boys the love and attention they deserve and 3)Am I coping with Zeta's death in a normal way....will I take a hard fall again.... am I learning what I should gain from it......and how do I make other people understand what I've experienced through God's mercy and why did it take so much for me to get to the point to even care this much?

Well, of course everywhere I look now I find answers to my questions, but sometimes I find more questions instead. I can almost always draw a parallel to the things I've learned and how my faith has grown and relate it to almost anything at all. There are times I feel like I should be standing up shouting about my experiences but I don't want to be labeled as the crazy nut who lost her mind after her kid died (yes, harsh words but it's how we tend to think sometimes, right?)

I don't even know where I'm going with all this except that my heart has been so heavy. I woke up mad and sad and angry yesterday. I went to church hoping no one would say anything to me or even look at me - I really wanted to stay home. I sat through Sunday School and then opened my mouth to make a correlation of my life with the lesson and ended up crying....then I sat through church with tears streaming even as the first song played.....and our preacher preached on giving yourself fully to God and following what it is that he wants you to do (fully and with all of your heart)- all I could think was, well if I knew WHAT it was that He wanted me to do then maybe I could do it......then in the back of my mind something is telling me what I (might) need to do (which kind of misses the whole point of his sermon if I say MAYBE or MIGHT), but I don't know if it's God or me or some other force because it really seems unimaginable, unattainable and if I didn't have the slightest concern that God may be pulling me that way I would dare say it would be a STUPID idea to even think that I would be called in such a direction.

Oh, well - I could go on for forever about my feelings yesterday. Mad at the fact that my baby's body lies in the ground 3 miles from my house. Sad at the fact that I miss her. Blessed at the feeling that we had 3 years to love her. Concern that my boys know how very much I love them. Confused at the fact that I still don't have direction in my life. Hopeful that I know that things will get better - remember, my FAITH covers that.......and calmer because I've got some of it out of my system now.

Today may not be a save the day world for me, but I'll rest and we'll see what He gives me to do when I get up!

Giving up or Giving hope?

I think I can honestly say that I've been blessed to be pretty optimistic most of my life (well except for those crazy middle school years, maybe!)

I think about this a lot because there are people close to me who struggle with a not so positive outlook on life.

Honestly, I think we all struggle at some time. I know that I've had my fill. I'm pretty open about counseling and medication (at times). I fought the medication issue, within myself, up until my break a little over a year ago. I even took myself off of it for a few months. Unfortunately, it wasn't meant for me to give it up yet. I have a friend that believes anti-depressants should be in the drinking water.....and if you look around sometimes I can't say that I would blame her too much.

Sometimes, the battle is within and we have to make the choice on whether or not we will see the good. We have to CHOOSE to battle the demon - in actuality, if we're going to succeed we must always CHOOSE to fight it. Only, sometimes it is not easy - AT ALL.

Yes, we have choices....and yes, it does seem easier for people who have a generally optimistic outlook on life- but what about those that are struggling to make the choice to be happy but still have a tremendous amount of trouble doing so. How do we help those people?

How do we witness and how do we keep encouraging? It's easy to just give up and say, "Well, you're just so negative there's no use!" ..........but is that what we're supposed to do?

What if God said, "Well you just keep sinning so I think I'm going to take back my gift of Salvation." That would be a pretty hard pill to swallow......because we don't always purposely sin. In fact, if you ask anyone I'm pretty sure they would tell you that they NEVER purposely sin - but I don't believe that's true. I mean, have you ever stretched the truth to save someone's feelings?

I've been accused of not knowing about depression because I have a generally happy outlook on life. Trust me, my friend, if I don't know a little about depression then I certainly know a lot about pain. I know that it takes a tremendous amount of effort just to get out of the bed sometimes and I know that I physically ache and can't breathe sometimes. I know that there are moments when, out of no where, I hear that voice that tells me I'm not good enough or that my search to be happy is stupid or that I should just give up.........I've had those very true feelings.

Fortunately they are mostly fleeting.

But, what do we do to help others who live in that constant battle of emotion?

How do we help them?

I have a friend who, to me, is about as true a testament to the hands and feet of God as I have ever witnessed. Sometimes, it's to the point where I say in my head, "really, how can you really still be so perky and happy - doesn't anything ever get to you?" .....but I know she has moments too - thing is, she is an encourager and I know that if I am down she is going to do her best to bring me up....and I know she does it by the Grace of God.

that is the kind of person I want to be...........

What about you?

Dancing in Heaven

I woke this morning from a dream about Zeta sitting up and crawling….laughing and eating a bowl full of grits. It was one of those dreams that was so real that it took me a minute to realize it wasn’t. I was excited about getting up to go see her and go work on some therapy to build her muscles. It was my encouragement and hope for what she could do today.

Only………….it was just a DREAM. I realized quickly that Zeta wasn’t here and that we weren’t going to be working on anything.

I began to think………’why, why, why’………..’what if’……….’we should have’………you know, all the questions of second-guessing everything that had anything at all to do with Zeta’s life.
Any type of therapy was always hit and miss with Zeta. Everything went according to how her seizures and overall health were doing for the day – or for that moment to be more precise. Needless to say, there were less times than so that Zeta got any true therapy……..but I always had that drive (and I believe she did too) that any time she was up to it we were going to work to achieve all that she could do. She could go weeks – sometimes even months in a semi-comatose state and then rebound back to exactly where she was physically before becoming sick – and always with a smile! We would always get so excited when she made improvements.

I spent an immeasurable amount of time reading and researching and trying to find out about the newest developments in health and seizure related issues. I even had all the INTENSIVE and alternate therapies planned out for when she got better. Every time I would read I would find something new. One time, I had it all figured out – we would get a pacemaker for her heart, her lungs, AND her brain. There is even a doctor that harvests new kidneys and livers (yes you read that correctly – he ‘grows’ new organs) – so we could get brand new kidneys since Zeta would never make the transplant list if she ever needed one. Heck if we talked to him enough we might even could get a new heart, brain, lungs AND kidneys. I would become excited every time I read about a new development and then become defeated when I read that, often, the organ or problem that was being addressed was the ONLY organ or problem people receiving the treatments for had issues with. It seemed as if no one else had ALL the same problems as Zeta and that we couldn’t get the things she needed because she had SO MANY OTHER issues and most doctors weren’t willing to use their time to spend time on a child that had so many other factors that could interfere with the success of anything they tried.

I would read about other families, similar to ours, who were travelling hours away to doctors finding treatments to assist in making life better…..only Zeta was often too ill to even get to those doctors. I would talk with families and doctors all over the place. I would talk with Zeta’s doctors (who were awesome, by the way)….I was always looking for a plan……

Until, one day, I finally understood that it wasn’t in the plan for Zeta to be whole on earth. It wasn’t up to me (or the doctors to FIX her)….that wasn’t what her life was about…..
It took a lot of faith, hope, prayers, and tears to get to that point – but ultimately I understood and accepted it. I continued to try and push and DO things, but nothing was changing – in fact, in some ways things were getting much worse.

I always said that I would be able to handle a child with special needs – that we would move mountains to make life as enjoyable as possible for her – but when the realization of the fight for normalcy versus the fight for life was understood I began to have a hard time. That’s when the grief started. I could take the special needs part. I could DO something about that. I could LIVE with that.

But……could I live with knowing that each day the struggle was not for normalcy but for LIFE? Could I make it through watching the days when she would just lie there motionless…..sleeping for days on end……or realizing we couldn’t stop the seizures or that she would never eat, sit, or even breathe on her own? Was I up to THAT challenge? More importantly, was SHE up to that challenge?

It was never even really a challenge I envisioned. Sure there were scares…..I knew from the beginning that I would have a child with special needs……and there were times we were given little hope….but I refused to accept that….I could not accept that God would give us this sweet baby and all the challenges we faced only to take her away from us.

I refused to see the whole picture of what was happening.

In the month prior to Zeta going to be with Jesus I began having a lot of dreams about her dancing and laughing. I suppose that’s really nothing unexpected – but I also began having friends (and even people I never met before) tell me that they were having dreams about the same thing. At times, I looked at it as the hope of what Zeta might one day do….maybe it was a sign that she was going to get stronger……..but during that time, sometime it hit me that God was preparing me not for what she would do HERE but to allow me to see that she was going to be dancing and laughing and whole in heaven.

You know, sometimes the WHY questions do come – but I TRULY and FAITHFULLY believe that Zeta was sent here only for a SHORT while and with a VERY BIG mission. It takes a ton of faith to believe that at times. I know the devil tries diligently to make me see the negative side to all of this, but in my HEART I know…I TRULY KNOW that God’s hand was in every beat of Zeta’s heart….from the moment she was conceived through every pre-natal and post-natal scare…. Through our biggest fears becoming reality and every life-changing moment – GOD WAS THERE.

In the times I doubt, I ask Him to take it from me. I look at all she accomplished- despite the odds….. I look at how strong my faith became…..I look at all the wonderful people we have met and the outpouring of love our family received. I see all the goodness through the tears……If I ever doubted before then I am sure now that coincidences are NOT BY CHANCE….they are thoroughly planned – it is up to us to see the meaning, the miracles……we are given the choice to accept or deny. I CHOOSE to accept because I’ve seen the goodness, I’ve experienced the peace and I know that my Redeemer LIVES…..just as my baby DANCES in Heaven today!!!

moving hell

When someone tells you about a difficult decision they’re facing or something they feel they have done wrong they are basically hoping that one of two things will happen: 1) either you’ll tell them how to fix it- easily - or 2) you’ll crucify or admonish them for what they have done…. Either way, I think we seek closure to difficult situations along with the ability to move on.

I recently read somewhere that you find true happiness when what you think, what you feel, and what you say are in harmony. Think about that for a minute – is it not very true? When we are completely honest with ourselves (and others) we tend to feel a lot better about things.

Sometimes, the hard part is convincing ourselves that we’re worthy of happiness.

A wise friend recently pointed out the difficulty of understanding that there is no hierarchy of sin. I mean, as humans it is hard to wrap our heads around the fact that the ‘little sins’ (like lies or just bad thoughts in our heads) are equivalent to the big sins – such as murder. When you look at it like that there is no logic…..but as she pointed out….it’s not the order of hierarchy, or lack thereof, so much as the fact that Jesus paid for ALL sin and that when we believe and trust and accept and repent in Him we are protected.

The hell that we experience on earth has a lot to do with what we allow in our lives. Now don’t read too much into that. I’m not saying that we always CREATE our own hell, but often times – we ALLOW it. I am speaking from personal experience here. We all have difficulties in our lives. We all face tough decisions. We all experience some type of pain or suffering or sickness. Those things in themselves are not the hell. HELL is when we DO NOT ALLOW God to work in our lives. It is when Satan is able to manipulate or thoughts and convince us that belief and happiness are wrong or unachievable. It is when we convince ourselves that we are not worth love. Every obstacle we meet is an opportunity….An opportunity to trust God and strengthen our relationship with Him. An opportunity to show the world that no matter what we face we can come out on top – not because of our OWN strength - as a matter of fact it’s often IN SPITE of ourselves…..rather the opportunity lies in admitting complete helplessness and letting God lead us…..it is during that time that we become humble…..that our light shines brightest….and that God can do all that He promised…….true peace, true happiness and the hope and faith of eternal life.

Sometimes it takes a true friend to point out the Hell that we allow in ourselves…..whether it be our thoughts or actions. It is difficult to point out what is wrong….I find it ironic that our pastor has recently had some very revealing sermons on this very topic while at the same time I am witnessing and experiencing some of the same tough situations……….It’s easy to love someone when they do what you think it is right and it’s easy to look the other way (or just give up on them) when what they are doing is wrong – the hard part is reaching out and helping pull someone out of their own hell. Just as we all have fallen victim to feeling like we deserve the hell we’re in or we just can’t figure out how to get out of it……God loved us enough to pull us out……. and if you think about it there may be at least one person in your life who has done the same for you (and if there hasn’t been then get on your knees and pray because He will be there for you and He will reveal himself in your life)…….shouldn’t we be responsible enough to show others love and grace – even if that means loving and guiding in the most difficult times….and if God cared enough to breathe life into us shouldn’t we care enough about ourselves to fully live in His glory?