People continue to amaze me. The cleaning fairy does exist, and even the most seemingly self-confident teenagers do have feelings.

Let me explain. We often have people willing to help with Team Zeta projects. Just Saturday, I had a lady tell me that we “must” ask her husband ANYTIME we do an event because his business would like to be a sponsor. I explained that we try not to ask the same people over and over simply because we know it’s hard to continually give money to organizations. She said that they wanted to be a part of sponsoring as often as they could. She also asked to volunteer with any event that we do. We have a lot of people volunteer for different things that we do. I think it’s because people want to be a part of something good. People thirst to be a part of the blessings they’ve witnessed being done in our lives. People hunger to be a part of the greater good. The feeling you get while being a blessing to others is better than most any gift you could receive.

The laundry fairy has been to my house almost daily this week – only we were almost too busy to recognize it. I noticed that some of our clothes had been folded and put on the dining room table. I assumed Stevie had done it -but thought it was a little weird – and I didn’t really think that he had time to do it when I would not have seen him. He assumed the same thing of me. This went on for a couple of days. One of us would put the clothes up and then more clothes would appear the next day. Finally, Steven noticed a bag of goodies and some things from my mom on the table with the clothes. He figured out that it was she who was washing our clothes. My dad would stop by the house after we left for school and gather our dirty clothes, then my mom would wash them and they would bring them back. Sad that it took us so long to catch on, but regardless it was definitely a huge blessing!

Finally, I look at the kids I work with at school and I don’t envy them one bit. I remember high-school and those inadequate feelings. I would consider myself to be a part of the ‘in’ crowd when I was in school – I was in sports and had friends, but even then there were so many times I felt like I wasn’t quite sure where I belonged. There are so many kids that feel this way. I just wish I could let them peek into the future or magically make them know all the things that I know so that they understand that it’s ok to love yourself and it’s ok to step up and be a leader. I wish I could take the uneasiness, and hurt, and self-consciousness away.

Finally, I made a call asking an old co-worker about renting a piece of equipment for use for an upcoming event that I’m involved in working with. He agreed to let us use it – free of charge. I’m continually amazed by the kindness and generosity of so many people. It often makes me stop and wonder……hmmm, I don’t think I’ve done anything like that for him/her – why are they being so nice to me? For instance, Team Zeta just got a donation in the mail from a couple that apologized for not being able to come to TZ Day in the Country yet they still wanted to make a donation to our cause. I mean, really – to put that much thought into wanting to help out?! I constantly stand in awe of the blessings and miracles that surround me each day. I wake up each morning hoping to pay forward each and every blessing that has touched my heart.

I CAN

So it finally happened. I knew it would. I’m surprised it hasn’t happened before now.

I had a little minor (ok a great big uncontrollable) crying jag in front of a class.
I went to bed the night before in an unhappy state of mind. I woke up that morning saying, I don’t want to go to school. I just want to stay in bed and feel sorry for myself today. The whole time I was getting ready I kept saying, I can’t do this. I don’t want to do this. I really don’t want to deal with life today. I just can’t!
I despise the words ‘I can’t’.

They are just two little words with a heck of a lot of impact. Two little words that quickly brain wash you into believing they are true.

Anyway, I got to school in not the happiest of moods. When my first class of the day came in at 9:15 I did not bother to get up from behind my desk nor hardly look up from the work I was doing on the computer. One of my students joked that he didn’t have his homework. I just looked at him with a lifeless expression………………..these are not my common habits – I just didn’t want to deal with it. We proceeded with our lesson. As I was writing on the board I attempted to take half away from 4……………I tried 3 times without success and finally became so frustrated that I felt the tears coming….. Why in the world could I not do this very elementary math?

Simply, because I told myself all morning – I CAN’T…….

So, it came true. I couldn’t do much of anything.

I apologized to my students and then one of them asked what was wrong. Well, the floodgates opened. I mumbled something to the kids and quickly ran straight to the office to get someone to take care of my class while I composed myself.

Every time I thought I was done the sobs would come, uncontrollably, again.

After about 5 minutes I was able to compose myself and went back to class.

I was able to use a real-life moment as a lesson for my students. I constantly tell them that “I can’t” is not allowed in my classroom. I explained my dilemma to them and told them of how I had continually told myself that morning -“ I Can’t” -and that that was exactly what happened. I had not been able to do even a simple math computation.

Later that day I had 2 guidance classes. I used myself as the perfect example of “I can’t.”

I have no doubt that a large part of how we use our God-given abilities depends on the choice we make each morning to say, “Thank you, Lord, for this day” or “Lord, I can’t do this.” We have a choice each day, each hour, each minute to live life – to love life - and to give the best at EVERY SINGLE THING that we do.

I know I CAN make it through tomorrow because I made it through yesterday. I’ve made it through some of the most difficult things I could have ever imagined for my life.

I CAN DO IT. I WILL DO IT. I AM FOCUSED. I AM STRONG. I AM DETERMINED.

I CAN. I WILL. I AM.

Remembering

I'll forewarn you - I'm diagnosing myself again.

Yesterday morning I came across a travel size bottle of lotion that I got while staying at the Ronald McDonald House in Augusta. I opened the bottle and instantly started seeing flashbacks. I vividly remember seeing the bottle that morning and imagining that someone received it from a hotel on an exotic trip to France or somewhere similar. I opened it and lapped in the scent. It was like nothing I had ever smelled before. Exotic, soothing, calming, and very much intriguing. I put the lotion on. It made me feel as though I were somewhere other than a community house getting ready to go see my sick baby in the NICU.

I remember walking into the NICU that morning. I remember what I was wearing - down to my socks. I remember the bag I carried on my right shoulder and the fact that I had a binder and a water bottle in my hand. I remember the 3 nurses sitting at the check-in counter. They commented on my perfume (the lotion). I told them where I got it from and we had some nice superficial conversation. I remember washing my hands before going in the unit. I remember talking with Dr. Threadgill. These memories are like watching something on tv. They are just that clear in my mind.

What is strange is that I don't remember anything else about that day. I remember talking to Dr. Threadgill. In my memory I actually see us talking, but I have no clue what we are saying. I don't remember seeing Zeta, although I know that I saw her because we are standing right by her isolette......every single thing past that moment is gone.

Yesterday, when I put the lotion on I immediately got that same feeling as when I first wore it in Augusta. I imagined some sophisticated lady picked it up from her fancy hotel somewhere far away and brought it back to donate to RMH......then just as quickly that feeling changed to uneasiness.....then I started to think about everything I remembered that day........all that I could remember was good, so why is it that once I go into the nursery everything disappears???

There are so many things about our hospitalizations that I remember - both good and bad - some very, very bad.....Some that I wish I had not witnessed or experienced.......but why is it that I can't remember this particular day, especially after having such VIVID memories about that morning?

I liken it to some type of post-traumatic stress. I really and truly have no clue what was going on with Zeta that day. I don't know if it was a good day or a bad day. I don't know what Dr. Threadgill told me in our conversation. I just can't understand why everything else is so real and so fresh in my mind...... or how that lotion stirred this overwhelming emotion in me.

Once I put the lotion on, I quickly debated jumping back in the shower and washing it off. The feeling of 'not knowing' was that intense - but the good feelings I had overcame that. That's kind of how faith works. The feeling of not knowing is sometimes so intense and makes us want to give up or run away, but the peace and good feelings you can get from prayer and having faith triumph over any of that.

I spent the whole drive to school taking in the scent and just trying to remember the rest of that day to no avail.

Once I got to school, I couldn't sit still. I had some paperwork I had planned to do, but couldn't so I went out the back door and started sweeping. The aroma of the lotion swirled around me as the emotions swirled in and out of my mind. I tried to peek in to every crevice of every memory in my brain and still could not find out what happened the rest of that day.

Well, school issues took over and a student's issue took over anything that was in my mind. I forgot about the lotion or I guess I quit trying to remember.

Several people asked me how I was doing yesterday. A few told me I looked tired. At the moment I didn't realize that I felt any different. I assumed I was tired from some things I had worked on at school that morning..........but the more I think about it, the more I believe that part of it was being tired from trying so hard to remember what my mind obviously desperately wants to forget.

So, until my mind feels that it is ready to deal with whatever it experienced that day I will turn it over to my Savior. I know that He already knows and I know that He can heal my spirit just as He has healed my Heavenly Angel, Zeta.