Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you. Hebrews 13:5

I have to say that I find it both comforting and disconcerting that it often takes something negative going on for me to really step back and realize all that I have to be thankful for….

Yes, even after all that we’ve been through I still get caught up in the whole “why me” cycle…..if you read my last blog you obviously noticed that………

Well, true to His Word, once I got my little temper tantrum out, I’ve been given many reminders about how precious life is and about how I really should get down on my knees and thank God that I’ve got this crazy life!

It wasn’t long after my last post that Zeta became sick.  She has been back on the ventilator full-time for nearly a week now (Up until then she has been off it during the day for some time and we had actually begun trying to wean her from it some at night too).  The first few days back on were pretty rough and we were beginning to anticipate a hospital stay…….I also figured out pretty quickly that I was very thankful that she hasn’t been on the vent full-time because it adds a considerable amount of stuff we have to lug around and also adds a lot of time to our preparation of getting in and out the house to go to appointments – so I suppose this was my first re-understanding of how far we’ve come and how much I need to remember to be thankful for all that we do have. Thankfully, she seems to be feeling a lot better but is just having some trouble getting back off the ventilator.

I’ve also realized that although I can’t do all the things that I want to do with my boys they are surrounded by people who love and care for them.  We’ve been very fortunate that throughout all the ups and downs both of them seem well-adjusted and we’ve never had to leave them in less than capable hands.

I understand, too, that we are very fortunate to have respite….and not just any person coming in to give us a break, but someone we’ve come to consider almost part of our family.  I completely trust her with Zeta’s care – even when she is sick.  Zeta’s nurse spent the day with her Friday while Steve and I were able to enjoy a fun day out with the boys……and yesterday we had a ‘date’ just the two of us!

It’s like…….miraculously………somehow………since we first found out Zeta would be a girl……..I grew up and finally started figuring out a little about life…….up until that point I thought I understood a little, but I really didn’t have a clue…………really, I know that I still don’t - but at least I realize it and I’m ok with that……

Where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. ~Matthew 6:21

One day we'll all be perfect.....

Try as I might – I’m failing, miserably.

At what?

Maybe everything………..

Ever have trouble shaking this feeling?  Me too……and it’s been driving me insane lately.

Areas that hurt the most in which to fail?

Steven……….Chancelor……...…Zeta………..Life……………

No, this isn’t as dire as it sounds….my emotions have just been very raw the past few days, and I’ve fought that dark place in my soul almost constantly,or at least it seems.

Ever wish you could do better? Feel better? BE better?

I think we all feel like that sometimes. It’s just,  I absolutely hate this feeling.  It’s like you’re battling this demonic abstract thing that just wants to take control of your feelings.  Like anything can tip you over the edge…at any given moment…..when you least expect it…..

It tends to be a little embarrassing to cry at a moment when you yourself don’t even fully understand why.

Do you understand the feeling that I’m talking about?

It’s kind of like this – people would understand if I broke down – you know that ‘look at all you’ve got on your plate’ mentality. 

I admit, sometimes, it’s very easy to feel sorry for myself.

BUT – this is not who I am……….this is not who I want to be………I don’t think any of us do.

I say it over and over – WE ALL HAVE PROBLEMS –the circumstances in my issues may seem larger or smaller in comparison to yours, but they are MINE, so to me – at any given time they may seem like the greatest challenges anyone has ever encountered.  When I look at it with that mentality I get overwhelmed………

Some people have become apt to share their stories with me…..and when I listen to those stories I can relate – to fear, to anger,  to grief, to distrust …………..to facing the unknown…………………to hope………..to trust………….to acceptance………to FAITH…..(even if of a mustard seed).

I woke up this morning and read my own words quoted on a friend’s facebook page ..."there is no such thing as the perfect person and no such thing as one who stands alone...it's just hard being the needy one."   Sometimes, I wish I were wise enough to take my own advice.  There are times we all have the desire to stand alone, and to be perfect. In reality we are all flawed. There  is only One who can stand alone, only One who is perfect.

 Not sure if you can read this picture of today's devotional in Our Daily Bread, but it's titled FLAWED.  The last paragraph reads:

Just like the people who lived thousands of years ago, each of us comes with flaws. But by God's grace we can overcome those imperfections by embracing His "strength [which] is made perfect in weakness" (2 Cor. 12:9)
It's good to learn of our weakness if it drives us to lean on God's strength. 

 

So, you see, I must learn to accept that I’m not going to do everything I want to do….I am never going to be perfect (although I would settle for just adequate right about now)………all I can do is try my best and hope that my family all remains unscathed at  the end of the day.  A little faith goes a long way!

…..and the unseen scars that we’ve earned are nowhere near those of the nail-scarred hand…..

Marked Hands
by Janet Martin © 2009

When I was just a little girl at my mother's knee,
I asked her as I touched her hands just how it came to be,
There were so many lines on them; they were so marked and rough,
Not knowing the price a mother pays to make sure we had enough

Marked hands of a mother; marked by a labor of love,
Daily chores in daily life, strengthened by a Hand above,
Marked hands of a mother; a price so gladly paid,
The most beautiful hands on earth that God has ever made

My little daughter asked me not so very long ago
Why my hands were marked and rough and just what made them so,
A world of emotion moved me behind my simple reply,
'A mother's hands get marked with time as busy days go by',

Marked hands of a mother; someday she'll understand
That all the caring and the sharing leave marks on a mother's hands,
Hands that labor gladly for all that God has given,
Hands that fold in thankful prayer to a Father up in Heaven

Someday I'll sit in Heaven at my Savior's knee,
I'll touch His nail-scarred hands and ask just why He died for me,
Marks on the hands of Jesus; marks of a price He paid,
Marks of love amazing in the sacrifice He made,

Marked hands of my Savior; marked by a labor of love,
For only through His nail-scarred Hands will we see Him above,
Then at His feet I'll gaze on Him and ask to understand
The story of such awesome love as I touch the marks on His hands   

Faith sees the invisible, believes the incredible, and receives the impossible!

Ok, so I've said that one day when Zeta fully stabilizes, I am going back to school for some type of medical degree. 

I'm hoping they will give me some type of life experience credit - ha!

I'm learning that I would much prefer being PAID to work OUTSIDE of the home on patients OTHER than my own children! 

I HATE seeing them sick!!!

Steven got sick the end of last week and has struggled on and off with an allergic reaction to the antibiotic since Friday night. 

Can you say Post-Traumatic-Stress-Disorder????

That is what I have diagnosed myself with.........

When Steven started with the fever I was a little worried, when it kept climbing- I became slightly neurotic.  I mean I actually sat and stared at him for a while to make sure I didn't see any signs of seizures.  I mean come on, only 3-5% of children age 9 months to five years typically have febrile seizures.  Steven is pretty much out of that range....but I've also learned that for us - life can be anything but typical!

Thankfully, Steven and Chancelor or rarely very sick....which leaves me ill-prepared for them being anything less than happy, healthy, and full of energy!

When Steven started breaking out in these awful, itchy hives I felt a slight panic settle in....but quickly regained my composure....well kinda.......a few hours later when the benadryl started to wear off and the  hives began working their way up his body (and started looking like hot grease burns) and he started getting sniffy and sneezy and doing that nose rub thing I did begin to panic......just  a little......

Thankfully, we have Barnwell Pediatrics and their nice on-call service!

We were able to go in and get a shot and start some steroids to help with everything. 

Thank you "Mrs. Sara"!

Now, Steven is alternating from feeling really well (and not understanding why I won't let him go outside and get hot) to sitting in the floor, scratching like a dog, and having his nose bleed!

What I've realized through all of this is how much I do depend on Lavonya (Zeta's nurse) and Steve. Lavonya only works with us 8 hours a day Monday through Friday, so I had plenty of time alone with my 2 patients....and  you  see, Stevie was out of town on business when all of this began.  Chancelor was with him (they had some fun time together, too). 

Let's just say it was a little difficult tending to 2 patients on my own when neither Lavonya nor Steve were here.  I was so paranoid about giving Zeta any germs, but I didn't want to leave Steven unattended in another room where I couldn't monitor his breathing, etc.....I was driving myself insane that's all......

Stevie has made choices that would prove difficult for some men, but I am so very  blessed with those decisions.  I am proud of the husband and father that he truly is......I realize that without his support I would often crumble.

Lavonya is my other right hand man.........she has been a God-send for our family and I don't know what we would be doing right now without her! 

I know, too, how very much I depend on my parents.  It' s like they feel it's their duty to make sure I'm alive, well, happy, and functioning........ I suppose that's what parents are supposed to do, but I think mine do it better than most :)

 I never thought it would be possible to need so many people! 

It can be difficult to realize how much you depend on other people.....but I've come to the realization that that is they way God intends it.....we all depend on each other......there is no such thing as a perfect person and no such thing as one who stands alone........

sometimes it's just hard being the needy one

To conclude this rambling blog, I'm happy to report that Zeta is doing well.  This week has been great!  We've got our spunky little girl back...and we're looking forward to more progress!!

......and hopefully, I will figure out how to get that medical degree.........