Where's the Peace?

This post is way past due. Trust me I know. I've received frequent reminders:)

It's not because I haven't had a lot on my mind (of course I always do). My computer and 2 laptops are just a little dysfunctional. Got to love technology right? So, here I sit blogging from a borrowed iPad (which I paid for, but had to beg to use...parents you know what I mean, right?)

So on to the good stuff....or not so good stuff...or maybe a little of both:)

I guess I'll just start from the last few weeks in order to not make this the longest post ever!

I don't think it's a secret that I've struggled with a good bit of delayed grief lately. I've put myself in counseling (counselor becomes the counseled) and I've struggled with so many emotions of loss, attachment, and co-dependency.

You see it's like my counselor says, it's kind of like the doctor trying to fix himself. I know the steps, I know the process....I just can't quite get it right for some reason or another....lately it's becoming quite clear as to why I can't get it quite right but we'll get to that later.

I have to say that I am grateful for all of you who have shared your own stories and testimonies with me. I am humbled that you trust me with such feelings from the depths of your soul.... I know how hard that can be sometimes....

Back to the point..... A few weeks ago my dad called. He causally mentioned that he was at University Hospital (as a patient). I'm a daddy's girl so this information threw me for a loop (as in rocked my world, full blown panic- which might explain the reasoning for no one telling me the night before whenhe was actually admitted which I understand, but still doesn't make it right and my hs English teacher is having a cow bc I love run on sentences -sorry Mrs.Paula,! Anywho...daddy is ok, just needs an occasional tune up. I proceeded to fuss at him and my mom like children bc frankly, I was irritated. More than that, I was scared... If something happened to my daddy I don't know what I would do. He's my rock! Yeah I know all about the life cycle and all that,but right now I just can't even think about some,thing like that...

Of course I was a little weary of everything and I had my Hal-iron competition coming up. While we sat in the hospital my parents tried to convince me to go regardless of what was happening. We all already knew I wouldn't but fortunately he came home and everything seemed to be ok....

Up until this point (and after) I cried incessantly,many times without provocation. For the most part I could keep it contained in the presence of others except those who are closest to me...so I continued to do what comes naturally...hide out.... According to my friends it's turtle mode...according to others it appears I just don't care and some people never know the difference....

Anyway, it had come to the point that it was all I could do sometimes to make it through the day.... Like I wanted nothing more than to lock myself in a dark room or run far, far away.

Then the week of my big race came. We left on a Wednesday and returned on a Thursday. Do you know I didn't cry any that Thursday, Friday or Saturday? None, nada, not one drop. It was sweet relief for my sole responsibility and focus to be to cross that finish line. I was surrounded by positive people with a common goal and that was my main focus. I told Stevie over the course of those few days that I was scared to go back home, that I knew once reality hit the constant crying and feeling of inadequacy would hit again. I told him that I knew I would have the desire to run away again once I got home.... This was a very scary thought for me.

I've constantly tried to figure out exactly what it is I'm running from.....

I've managed to pack my life so full of responsibilities and 'things' to do that I seldom know which direction I'm going and rarely feel like I'm able to focus on any one thing long enough to give it the attention it deserves....

I've been overwhelmed, and frankly on many days I've all but drowned.....

You see people who are close to me have seen this...

At the same time, people who have been in this sMe place have seen it too...

When your identity is wrapped in being the happy one and/or the yes-man people catch on pretty quickly when things aren't quite right...

My life has felt like a complete mess for a while....

....and all I've wanted to do is get away from it....

Thing is, that solves nothing. I realized this when I was at wrightsville beach beach for my race....actually my head realizes it a lot....it's my heart that doesn't get it....

...but what I realized was that for a couple of days I felt ok because I no longer ran from life. Life there was free from hurt and anger and anticipation. I didn't think about the feelingS oF inadequacies or the fear of one day forgetting my daughter or the tough lessons learned...none of that took precedence in my mind. I didn't worry about work or school or kids or church or whether or not people knew I love them. I didn't worry about much of anything except prepping for that race and crossing the finish line.

I also realized very quickly that wasn't life....it's not how it works.... On my way home I was inundated by calls and texts from people who were waiting until after the race to share certain things with me....this happened or that happened....a former beloved coworker had died suddenly.....none of these things ceased to happen just because I was mentally focused elsewhere, I just wasn't aware they had happened until afterwards....but that didn't stop me from taking on the feelings of inadequacy again.... It didn't stop my desire to either be able to fix things or run from them....

Fast forward to this week....we had revival at our church....I found myself there...lost....and wondering what happened since this time last year. You see this time last year I felt almost perfect peace. I didn't have the desire to run... I didn't cry all the time....I wasn't overwhelmed....what happened? What change? I can't for the life of me answer that....

Well, that's not completely true...what changed May be the total dependence I had on God. Don't get me wrong, I still believe, I haven't lost my faith, but I've slowly and gradually told myself I could handles it that I was doing ok and I was in control.....but nothing is further from the truth...the more control I thought I gained the further I seemed to drift from God which is why I've found myself here....

Again my head knows this, heck my heart knows it...but I'm so unbelievBly stubborn that I haven't been able to understand why I continue to try to fill my life with responsibilities and run from the things that matter most...

What I've come to understand (and some closest to me have pointed out) is I'm running from that broken place that led to the peace in my life.... The brokenness and pain that led to my full dependence on God...the brokenness that left me with nothing and no one on this earth I could depend on...the brokenness that made me Fully, whole heartedly, without a doubt dependent on God Almighty...

there is a pain that cannot be described...a pain that transcends anything you've ever experienced....regardless of what causes that pain it is something you never wish for anyone to experience but it's also a pain that beings you to your knees to cry out in desperation for strength in healing....it's a pain that seems to originate from the depths of hell because of the helplessness it exudes. It's a pain that only you understand in your intimate dance in the darkness...a pain that can only be erased by a Savior....my God...my Savior....

When every ounce of your own will is gone and when every piece of your heart,mind, body, and soul gives up and says, "God, I CAN'T DO THIS" it's then that you experience the peace....the problems don't disappear, nothing on earth has changed, but everything about your spirit has changed...because you're no longer in control...you turned that over to God.... It's more than simply believing in God, it's more than simply hoping that he hears your pleas....it is fully unmercifully crying out in desperation and realizing there is absolutely no alternative... Then....then...that's when the peace surrounds you....that's when God is able to be fully present...when you've fully invited him in....when there's nothing left to hide and nothing left to try....The only thing that remains is HIM...

I KNOW THIS.....I've felt that peace.... I kick myself all the time lately for not being able to feel it now....frankly, it's because I feel it's my responsibility to be healed and whole at this point in life....I've taken on the false notion that I should have grieved last year and I need to get on with life....I reminds myself too often that I'm inadequate in being a mother, a wife, a friend, a daughter... I try to fix these things bc I feel it's fully my responsibility ...often forgetting that God intended to walk with me all along....all I have to do is ask Him....

Last night I sat in church and just listened...I went with the expectation of finding answers and finding peace... I didn't go with the responsibilities in mind....I didn't go thinking about the thousands of other things I needed to accomplish...I went with a desire to be healed...a desperation to stop running.... I went to seek Him....

In the true fashion of God, He was there...waiting.....I don't mean in a literal sense, but I mean in the sense that very specific words were spoken, and very clear reminders of the people who have stood fast by me...an unmistakable and clear message that maybe it's not as bad as Satan leads to believe.

A very sweet lady led me in intercessory prayer and led me to pray for forgiveness and blessings on myself.....it sounds odd but we put things on ourselves and plant things on our own my minds that we would never put on others. satan leads us to believe that defeat is the winner...that we have no say in drowning under our own decisions and our own feelings of inadequacy,,,,but that's not how it goes....at least that's not how my story ends....I know who is victorious,,,,

I know JESUS died on the cross....I know a tremendous price was paid....I know how the story ends....I live eternally in His glory....I know my flesh is weak, but my soul will remain strong in The Lord... I know my doubts are covered by the blood of His grace and mercy.... I know no matter how discouraged I become that one day it will all be erased... the debt was paid on a cross so many years Ago....it's my job to accept it and share it.....

Does it make it easy? Not always. Does it make it worth it? ALL THE TIME!

We don't talk about these things

....what has been most on my mind is depression and suicide....

Don't be startled. I don't have thoughts of suicide....not in the last 20+ years or so anyway.

Depression and suicide are very taboo topics in some circles. Depression is a mental illness.....there's another hot topic - mental illness....We dance around these things sometimes and pretend they don't exist...and then sometimes, we're so wrapped up in other things that we really don't notice the signs.....

I think the recent loss of Robin Williams initially stirred some memories in my mind....

...the thoughts of feeling totally alone in a world where you seem completely normal on the outside.....

See, when I was in middle school I think I was a decent kid.... but like most kids I made some choices that weren't always the best. Some of those choices left people around me disappointed....some of those choices made me disappointed in myself.....There were also things that happened to me that were beyond my control - which in turn added to my disappointment in myself....because at the time I didn't see that the things that happened weren't all really my fault....I strived to be a people pleaser.....in many ways I guess I still am.....

Anyway, it leads me to the fact that I need to share a little more of my story (imagine that).... During this time I became very unhappy with myself and just life in general....I thought of suicide...often. I'm not really sure how serious I was in my mind about it, but I thought a lot, "If I weren't here it would just be easier." I held razors to my arms on two occasions....I'm not sure if it was fear or faith that stopped me. I experimented with 'cutting'....I started by scratching the skin on my wrists with a knife - just enough to leave little scratches, but one deep enough to leave a scar. I started doing the same things with my legs.....just scratches, but then just one deep enough for a small scar I still wear.....I just wanted to make the pain stop....Thinking about that now and actually reading it in print it doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me....It's strange even thinking about it really because I'm thinking I should be feeling a whole lot more emotion about it, but mostly it just perplexes me...I guess because I am much stronger than I was then. I realize that the pain I was dealing with then was not worth my life......

This leads me to what brought all these memories forth....the things that really hurt....

I've had 3 people in as almost as many weeks tell me that they feel life would be better if they just didn't live....when someone says that to me I take it VERY seriously......The kicker here is that one of these people pleaded over and over for help. Actually, the words were, "You help lots of people. You help everybody. Why can't you help me?" That's a tough pill to swallow. I'm a people pleaser remember? I like to fix things. Sometimes I fail. Sometimes, I just don't know how.....and sometimes I'm just lost.

I've been watching a facebook friend's posts.....I see the grief and depression in every word she writes.....but I haven't actually seen or talked to this person in real life in over 10 years....but I keep watching....I keep trying to think of the right thing to say....but I keep coming up short.....

I've been watching Instagram posts of a young girl who is very obviously hurting and looking for help. I see her pain. I've felt her pain, but yet I feel can't do anything to stop it....

I've watching someone close to me deal with a pain that is very real to me and I feel like there is nothing I can do......

Pain, depression, and hurt are all very real....

When someone is lost in that pit it's very hard to climb back out....

A lot of people worry about me because I'm apt to broadcast my emotions at any given moment, but (speaking from experience) I think it's much tougher to hold it all in.....

Holding it all in causes you to sink.

Holding it all in causes you to drown.

Holding it all in robs others of the opportunity to witness to you.

By holding it all in you think you're saving someone else or maybe preventing someone from worrying....maybe you think you're doing just fine hiding yourself from the world.... You might be able to fool some people, but I can bet that someone close to you.....or maybe even just someone who's been there before sees it and feels almost as helpless as you....

I can guarantee that no matter how well you hide your feelings from the world that you will never be able to hide from God. He knows your heart. He hears your cries....and he can heal your pain.....

I don't mean that life will be rainbows and unicorns (the way I usually like to view it) I mean that with God you can have peace about your circumstances.

Sure there will be bad days. I'm living proof of that, but once you're able to direct your focus to Him you can find better peace.....

There are days you will still cry out....

There are days you will still ask why....

There are lots of things you won't understand.....

....but if you believe God is your Creator, that He died on the Cross to forgive you of your sins and if you confess your sins - if you believe those things and talk to God constantly...even when you wonder if he's real or if he's listening...then I can tell you it WILL happen. You WILL find that peace.

As I try to wrap this post I also think of a fellow mom who lost her son by suicide. I've never actually met her in person, but we have a connection. When you lose a child your heart learns to hear and speak the unspoken, sometimes seemingly unbearable grief to others who have also experienced it. Without words you know the pain, and without words you can comfort because you have some idea....something most people are fortunate to never experience. this mom reached out to me after Zeta. It was later I found out about her son........what's even more glorious than the purest soulful connection we share is the fact that we understand our God is greater....even though our circumstances are different and though we both survived the darkest days of our lives we have God .....and that's always enough!

She has dimes and I have butterflies....but we both have God....what do you have?

Things I know...

These are some things I know....at least sometimes....

Maybe they're just things I just SHOULD know...

Heck, let's face it, they're things I often FORGET!!

...but the title remains...Things I know...

I know that I am not the only parent to lose a child.

I know that I'm not really superman.

I know that nothing on earth is guaranteed.

I know that life is a PRECIOUS GIFT.....

I know that it takes an exquisite soul to truly be able to love a broken one unconditionally....

I know that I enjoy being with people and using every second of my time to feel productive.

I know that I sometimes over fill my life in order to avoid feeling some things....

I know that French fries aren't really considered vegetables (but who says so)...

I know that sometimes I go into 'turtle' mode and cause my friends and family to freak out...

I know that I'm solely responsible for my actions. Every action creates a reaction.

I know depression is real.....even when things look perfect from the outside....

I know that even the hardest hearted people are capable of love.

I know that even people with the biggest hearts make mistakes and end up hurting people they love....

I know that forgiveness heals.....

I know that some memories remain seared in our hearts forever.... both good and bad.

I know that I have a good life.

I know that one of life's greatest purposes is to LOVE AND ENCOURAGE other people...

I know that when I feel life sucks there's probably at least one person out there that would like to trade places....

I know there's a child crying, a mother who is scared or a father fighting - right now....all for their family..

I know that LIFE IS TOUGH.

I know that right now there are people making memories and fully taking in the moment.

I know I don't know everything or understand 1/2 of God's creation and intentions....

I know that God's plans are perfect.

I know I don't always agree with those plans.

I know that Jesus Christ died a horrific death to save me....me....an imperfect soul.....Jesus' blood wiped the slate clean....my sins are forgiven and I have salvation - the golden ticket to eternal life - simply because I believe, accept, and confess what God has done for me.

I'm not Superman

My friend calls me Superman.

I may have told you that already. She calls me that because my newest obsessions are triathlons.

Well, if I'm Superman then my world is most certainly filled with kryptonite.

There are days I feel so defeated.

I'm not talking training here, I'm talking living life in general.

Ever feel like that?

I know all the things I "should" do....the way I "should" think....the way I "should" act....

...thing is I can't (or really just DON'T) always do those things....or sometimes I lack self-discipline and self-control in saying 'no' to all the things that I should.

For instance, even things that I know aren't good for me - impulses and selfish desire take control.....kinda like that chocolate cake that calls your name in the middle of the night....get what I'm saying?

Everyday we're surrounded by things waiting to test us and knock us down....almost everyday we face people and challenges that cause us to re-think our whole value system...Some days we fight to the death and we conquer....good wins over evil.....

...but sometimes we let our guard down and we get knocked flat on our backs.....

Some days it's like Superman and kryptonite.... like there's just no use in trying to do better because we're just too weak....

That's what I fool myself into believing sometimes....

Kind of strange, but this is what was up on my computer when I sat to do this post (stick with me here I have an 11 year-old who is really into sci-fi and comics and such)

What she wants is to live a long life in the warmth of the sun, her hand in mine. But because of him, she'll only feel the icy touch of a man whose emotions run as cold as the blood in his veins!" ―Mister Freeze

Victor Fries was a brilliant cryogenicist whose beloved wife Nora Fries was stricken with a fatal degenerative disease. He placed her in suspended animation while obsessively searching for a way to cure her, but the corporation that funded his research - and Nora's life - pulled the plug, triggering an accident that transformed Fries' body into a cold-blooded form that must always be kept below zero; at normal room temperature he will die.

For some reason the quote caught my eye and reminded me that sometimes we try so hard to do things our way that we end up missing out on our blessings and causing more problems.....we get blinded by selfishness....

I've been broken to the point I thought I was beyond repair....and I've floated on the clouds as close to God as I thought I could get.....the most frustrating thing for me is realizing when I have failed and trying to get back to where I should be....

That's where grace, mercy, faith and love come in. I have accepted God's salvation and continue to ask him to lead me in the right direction. I'm not perfect....far from it, but I have God and in the times when I feel I'm sinking I know I can turn my eyes to him. He never fails.

He continues to prove this over and over.

Lately, it's as if I stepped back into my life again and understanding all the blessings again.....

Loss

Loss hurts.

Be it loss by death, loss by choice, or loss without known reasons....

Loss hurts.

I've struggled tremendously with loss this week.

Sometimes loss is obvious. As in death. When we lose a loved one the feeling of mourning is expected. When we deal with death we expect sadness and tears. Emotions are expected....only no one has ever put a specific time frame on what is appropriate for that mourning....or when the mourning should actually start. What if it doesn't start immediately after death? What if the acceptance of death starts to seem real much later?

Sometimes loss is not obvious. When you grow distant from someone....maybe not for any apparent reason, but it just happens....or when things just suddenly become different...or when someone just cuts you out of their life....The loss of feeling devalued by someone can be almost as hurtful as loss by death.

We never know what people are dealing with. We don't know their internal feelings or problems. We may not always know what kind of losses they are experiencing or the sadness that consumes them. We don't always know what directs people's behavior....As a matter of fact, sometimes it might even be hard to gauge what directs our own behavior at times.....

My feelings of loss today are very layered - some relating to the loss of Zeta and some not so much.....
Rumor is they are supposed to put her headstone in today. This is something I've avoided almost completely and just have not dealt with very well at all....I didn't want to pick it out, I didn't want to order it....and here we are over a year later.....However, I've been by the cemetery twice today - maybe just to see if it's there...I'm not really sure....

One thing we should work on is trying to understand those around us....the world is filled with enough hate without adding to each others problems...

We've been called to love one another even when it's difficult.

34 “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. John 13:34 (NIV)

That's a pretty awesome responsibility considering that God loved us enough for Jesus to die on the cross.....Do we love most people even a portion of how God loves us?

I've been blessed in my life to have people who love me.....even when I'm emotional or difficult.....

My prayer is that others can experience the same type of love....love that's greater than anything we could experience from anyone here on earth. Love that is truly unconditional....love that is stronger than the bond between a husband and wife or parent and child.....unwavering love...My prayer is that I too can work toward showing this same type of love....

Oh, and since I initially began this post Zeta's stone was placed.....

A reminder of great losses, but an even greater reminder that God's plans are much bigger than my own!

"For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord. "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans for a hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

broken

I have a confession.

I'm a little OCD.

Not in the traditional sense, but I apparently struggle with obsessions to some extent. There are tons of things in the world that don't bother me...that crooked picture on the wall? Only occasionally. My pile of stuff in the corner? Only when it gets larger than usual.....

So I'm probably not OCD right?

Then there has to be another term for it because once I get something in my mind it has to happen or I go absolutely crazy!!!

I think a lot about Zeta and all she went through. If there was a symptom or diagnosis that was related to something she was experiencing I researched and talked to doctors and therapists until everything I read or heard was just repeating itself. I just couldn't stop.

Everyday of her life I wanted to "fix" her. I wanted to make her whole. Even when I finally understood that there was nothing to be fixed- that God created her perfectly in the way in which he wanted her....that fix-it instinct occasionally still came out.

I've spent a lot of my life trying to fix things. I don't mean in the physical sense necessarily, I mean in the sense of holding on to that save the world attitude.

I'm an eternal optimist. Even when struggling through some of my worst bouts of depression when I was finally able to get out of bed or see through the fog of the anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds I still wanted to fix things - or people, rather.

Most of my educational career I wanted to fix all the broken children. I was drawn to special education at first. Then, in the regular classroom I always found myself most attached to the children who had the most problems, or who struggled the most, or seemed to need the most love....

Stevie could tell you how many times I asked him about adopting random children or bringing children home with us because they seemed to have no one..... or the countless conversations on the phone with parents who were fighting desperately to find a way to help their child succeed.....

My life has always centered around fixing the broken.

Because of this I'm often called a doormat.........

I'm told people walk all over me, that these people don't really have problems they just use me.

I've also found out myself that I very easily become an enabler.....sometimes because of the love I feel- and the desire I have to want to be the one to 'be there' or the one to help- sometimes I put myself into awkward situations or seriously end up feeling very used.....

These are all choices I make on my own....and while the feeling of wanting to love or fixing the broken sounds great in theory.... maybe its not always the best thing.

OR ....Maybe its not always my place. Maybe sometimes its my own selfish desire of wanting to feel needed that makes me like this.

I'm a pretty tough fighter. I hate to lose. More than that I hate for anyone to feel that they're not worthy of love.....I will kick, fight, scream, push...just about anything to make you realize that you are worthy of love.

Sometimes though, my feelings get hurt. Sometimes, I realize I've pushed enough. Sometimes, I realize that it's not my place to be fixing.....and sometimes I actually realize that I'M THE BROKEN ONE.

There are so many people hurting in this world. There's so much death and destruction....poverty and sickness....hatred.....there are so many problems out there bigger than my own....so often times there are so many questions....

Brokenness causes emptiness. I am broken because although I try to follow God I have a tendency to try to live according to my own plans sometimes....I should know by now that never works.

Realizing I'm broken makes me lean back on my faith....and the One who is there no matter how much I try to hide.....




He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. He determines the number of the stars and calls them each by name. Psalm 147 3-4

Looking for something

Do you know how it is when you lose something important? You know that frantic feeling where you tear the house up just searching because you know it has to be there somewhere?

Do you ever do that with your life?

Do you turn your life, your whole world, upside down searching for something?

I would bet that most of us do.

I know that I have a tendency to do it.

As humans we tend to seek what makes us happy- what makes us fulfilled. Ever have that empty space feeling? I used to have it a lot but I think once I went through certain trials with Zeta I figured out that that empty space was only completely filled by God. Money couldn't fill it, things couldn't fill it, my friends couldn't fill it, even my family couldn't fill it. If there was a need I had , all of those things could fill help cheer my heart at some time but it never completely filled the void.

Immediately after Zeta died I believe I relied on god more fully than I ever had. However, in the past several months I'm sad to say I felt strong enough to try to take back my life as my own. What I mean is I got so strong with God as the focus of my life that I suppose I thought I was partially responsible for that strength.

I didn't even realize this was happening, but some people around me did.

I look at my life and realize that I am blessed beyond measure. I have a family that will and has almost literally gone to the ends of the earth for me. I have
Food to eat and clothes to wear. Heck I fuss about things that I don't have just like the next person, but it dawned on me the other day when I was shopping that although I really hate shopping I sure do it a lot😳
I am blessed with a strong network of people I can call on for work and life related questions and I also have some pretty amazing friends.

From the outside looking in my life looks pretty perfect.

Well folks, I'm here to tell you that nobody's life is perfect and no matter the image we project to the world we all fight constant battles. It's life.

That emptiness...that feeling of searching for something...I know it all too well. Most would guess that the loss of Zeta played a big part of thAt and I won't deny that at all....but before you start giving me a free pass to feel any way I please just because I'm a member of the 'lost a child club' I want to make sure you're aware that this isn't the first time I've dealt with the emptiness.

As humans we yearn for love and validation and acceptance. Even the people who are self proclaimed loners yearn for those same things. They may not express love or needs in the same way but they have them none the less.

Sometimes the emptiness consumes you. People make a lot of choices based on that feeling of emptiness. Some good, some not so good, but all for th hope of reaching the same end goal- a feeling of wholeness....a feeling of completeness...a feeling of knowing that you have all you want, all you need, and everything to make you happy.

The mistake we make is in confusing the things that actually make us happy and in choosing things that are only temporary or maybe really not good for us at all.

The emptiness can cause unhappiness or indifference..

Emptiness can cause people to drink, do drugs,have affairs, tell lies, avoid people, hang out with the wrong people, and the list goes on and on ...causing people to exhibit behaviors they might not otherwise do. Frequently, people reach some point that they realize completely what they're doing but the feeling of temporarily filling that void outweighs any d other feeling in the world.

Sometimes the things that we choose to fill those voids aren't necessarily bad for us. For instance, I try to run from my emptiness sometimes so I throw myself into my training, I find every activity in the world to be a part of, I surround myself with friends, I text all day and check social media, I find anything at all to distract myself from letting myself get in touch with my true emotions. Those things in and of themselves may not be all wrong but when I use them to avoid actually feeling or living life they become problematic.

For 3 years I lived a life so fast paced and so chaotic that I didn't always have time to even sense what I was feeling, let alone feel it. I spent most days waking, wondering what the day would bring...would we be home or in the hospital, would we have a simple doctors visit or would we rush to the hospital or would the ambulance come or would we make it to the doctor and end up being airlifted. Would Breathe pretty well on her own or would it be a battle? Would she make it a few hours without seizures wrecking her body or would it consume her all day. Would we remember to give her every bit of the never ending medications.. Would I be fighting insurance to pay for the medicine or back and forth to the pharmacy or waiting for FedEx to bring the meds. Looking back I don't know how we ever made it....all I can say is that the love of a child and the grace of God are the only things that pushed my weary soul and body.....and My sweet Zeta....I know that it was God that sent her here and He who made sure her very existence was for His purpose.

I've been angry. My soul has been empty.

I was nominated to be the feature of an article in a parent magazine as mother of the year around Mother's Day I even talked to the writer, but in the end I (almost subconsciously and rudely) walked away because I didn't feel worthy. I realize that's not the only thing I've pushed away or missed out on. My fear of feeling inadequate or feeling that if people 'really' knew me hinder me from a lot of things sometimes.

Some people who know me might beg to differ. They view me as bold and confident, yet others view me as quiet and contemplative....I'm pretty sure I'm a little of both depending on the situation.

I've gone through highs and lows. Some things make make me shameful, some leave me with many questions but I know that there's been purpose in everything that has led me to this point. I know that God's not done with me yet and I know that I live in His grace and His mercy. I know that He can fill the emptiness and that my life in Heaven will be without emptiness.

I know that His grace is sufficient and I know it's my job to keep telling it.

You know, I've talked about living in a glass house. One thing that bothers me a lot are comments that people sometimes get when they're doing exactly what God wants them to do....trying to be something they're not....let me explain. The saying that the church is full of hypocrites. Well that's very true. By design none of us are perfect. So when I'm around people and they make the comment that someone seemed surprised that we would do stuff together because I'm too Godly or goody goody (mainly bc of my very public proclamations) it hurts my heart and also makes me want to lower the blinds in my glass house. Shouldn't we ALL be trying to be something we're not....which is to say we should all be trying to do better. We all sin. We have sins and secrets.....some people hide them better than others and some people just sin differently. Regardless, we are all marred by sin.

However, it is all our individual responsibility not to let that sin define us or rule us. It is our responsibility to learn from our sin and to share with others the love of the only One that frees us from our sin. Wallowing in our sin does nothing. Judging others because they sin differently does nothing. Getting up and loving others, caring for others....and let's not forget loving and forgiving oneself...are the perfect witness of Christ. Don't get stuck. Don't let emptiness rule you. Live for the One who created you. Learn that we're all equal in His eyes. Seek to be the hands and feet of His mercy and Grace. Do it for yourself. Do it for others. Do it for Him...do it to get rid of the emptiness.

showing hurts and hearts

Do you ever feel on top of the world?

I mean like everything is right with life and you have it all figured out?

I have. It's a great feeling too, right?

Like you know what is right, you feel what is right, you do what is right and everything is in harmony.

Now, have you ever felt invisible?

Invisible, Hunter Hayes

Like no one really knows you or that no matter how hard you try you aren't ever going to be good enough....like everybody else around you has it figured out, but somehow you missed the boat? I've felt like that too....

Or, have you felt yourself on the path to nowhere - but you just couldn't figure out how to change direction? Have you been blinded by your own fascination of things that no matter how badly you want you just don't exactly have anywhere to fit it in your perfectly harmonized world?

....and then sometimes on that path to nowhere you do learn a little something......

You learn there are other people hurting. You learn that people are capable of love and that yes, they can even love you and you can love in return.....

The way to love anything is to realize that it may be lost. ~G.K. Chesterton

There's so much to learn if we open our hurts. "Hurts" - that must have been a slip because I meant to type "hearts".....but I guess it's true of both - there is a lot to learn if we open our hurts and our hearts......When we hurt we tend to shut people out hoping no one will notice while also praying that someone will....When we share our hurts and our hearts we give others the opportunity to be there for us and help us find our light - if only for a short while......The path to nowhere is not always black and white nor is it always all evil....Sometimes it just teaches us things about ourselves. It sheds lights on the things we like about ourselves, the things we hate about ourselves and the things we are yearning to find.....

We don't always like to admit it, but we all need love. We all need understanding. We all need to know that it's ok not to be ok sometimes.

It's funny how things work out - even when we don't always have all the answers.....it just takes a little more searching....



Ecclesiastes 3:12 So I concluded there is nothing better than to be happy and enjoy ourselves as long as we can.
Philippians 2:2 complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind.

Love, Hurt, and Forgiveness

Do you know what it's like to be hurt?
Silly question, wouldn't you say?
We're hurt every day....by those we love, those we can't stand, those we're trying to understand, and those we'd rather not even be around. Every day it seems our hearts get broken or our egos bruised.

So what do we do? God says we should forgive, but is that what we always do. The bible teaches us to forgive out of love.....out of the same pure love in which Jesus Christ died for our sins. Now that's a pretty hard pill to swallow.

Let's start with me for instance. I'm a lover of people. I love peace and harmony. I love making people happy and I love helping heal hurts-or at least making them feel not alone in what their dealing with.....it makes me feel like I'm contributing something like I can make a difference....but let's be honest it also makes me feel wanted and appreciated so if someone blocks me out I feel hurt. If someone says something to hurt my feelings my heart sinks and my ego shrinks....if someone dares to accuse my actions to be anything than love, care or concern I fold....and it hurts....and sometimes I get mad....it takes a whole lot for me to get mad but it happens...what's sometimes scarier than mad is indifference...you know the feeling you have when you just dint care one way or the other? Why, do you say? Well bc indifference is a lack of emotion therefore your actions have the potential to crush someone and you're none the wiser.... Now, let's talk about other things that have the potential to hurt or make you mad-someone talks about you or your family, accuses you of something you didn't do (or calls you out on something you actually did do), someone says or does some unfounded thing that hurts you in some way.....any and all of this can lead to anger, hurt, and/or confusion....

Which brings us to forgiveness...how do we forgive? How should we forgive? Do we have forgiveness for others...do we have forgiveness for ourselves? Do we recognize that the evil we fight every day has nothing to do with fellow humans but rather temptations of the anti-christ...

I have a strong group of friends of whom we pray for each other and talk throughout the day...just this week one reminded us James 1 1-18..you'll have to look it up bc I'm blogging from my phone and don't know how to copy and paste. Anyway, James reminds us that trials are from God and temptation from the devil...do you see the difference? Trials strengthen us...temptations sway us. Sometimes as the result if our free will we are swayed by temptations and create our own trials.

Take for instance marriage and affairs. In marriage there are many trials.....financial burdens, sickness-mental and or physical, and the list goes on and on. Love is a choice and the act of loving your spouse is of your own free will each day....even on the days your spouse is unlovable or you're unlovable one..temptations are around every minute of that marriage...you just don't notice them when everything is going fine....when you're hurt or feel unloved or unlovable or when you become indifferent that's when temptation has the opportunity to arise. When those temptations arise people get hurt. Sometimes the hurt is minor bc temptation is recognized and stopped before it goes too far and sometimes temptation gets the upper hand and everyone around becomes miserable and tortured from poor choices.

So how Does forgiveness fit in here? Well, it's obvious in many ways....the spouse who strayed and recognizes with remorse desires forgiveness...the spouse who maybe never saw it coming realizes mistakes made or longs to have the anger leave their heart....but what about the one who acted as temptation? What about the one who shows no remorse who continues to disrupt families who, out of what looks like selfish desire continues the same patterns...is that forgivable?

The hardest thing for us to do is forgive....sure we say we forgive...we try to forgive....but unless there is true forgiveness like that that we received from the blood of God then when do not have true peace...true forgiveness cannot come from us...it has to be placed there by God and we only get it if we ask for it... Sometimes we have to ask continually...AND we have to be READY for it. That means we have to be willing to give up our own control, our own desires, and our own limitations to let God have control...we have to have forgiveness in ourselves and of ourselves before we can forgive anyone else....and that comes with the love and desire of God in which we can truly love ourselves and each other...things that sound so simple but yet we often fight so hard against.

In my own experiences I know that I have difficulty forgiving....on the outside I seem pretty forgiving. I even fool myself that I'm full of forgiveness.....but the better term for me would probably be passive-aggressive. I'll forgive you and say everything is ok , but I won't forget...and you better believe I'm gonna use it against you later- either to remind you of how you've messed up before or to let you know it's ok for me to do certain things bc you wronged me in the past.....see that's not true forgiveness....but I holdout forgiveness in myself too....I let guilt control my actions sometimes, I let fear tell me I'm not good enough or evil tell me that I can do what I want bc I'm just gonna mess up anyway...that's not truly giving it to God or forgiveness of self...and lack of self live or self forgiveness leads us to believe we're not worthy so no one else is either....this opens the door for all sorts of temptations- self medication through drugs or alcohol, abuse, hatred, you name it....

Do you see why true forgiveness is so important?

I can think of one very clear time in my life I experienced feeling true forgiveness for someone...Zeta was inpatient in one of the fights for her life....her tiny body was clearly trying to give up and no one seemed to be acting fast enough. The only doctor around was a new ( and who seemed to me at the time cocky) resident...he seemed to be just watching my baby and no one was doing anything...he finally discussed a plan of action with which I disagreed bc it was just wasting time- I knew all too well from experience....to make a long story short my baby almost died and if she had I was going to blame this resident and this hospital for the rest of my life....this was the first time I ever came close to sticking a finger in someone's face...I tried to react calm and in a rational manner bc I knew the rest of Zeta's care depended on it but the anger that boiled through my veins was too much to contain... I was angry to the point of sickness....I hated everything and everybody....my only focus was that doctor and it was a picture of hatred.....what I slowly started to realize as I sat by zeta and tried to pray was that my main focus was this young resident and the fact that I thought he had done wrong....I couldn't even put the proper feeling into the prayer for healing for my baby because I was so consumed by the anger. So I made a plea to God to please take the hurt and anger away....to let me forgive this young doctor so I could move on and focus on the things that mattered.....you know what happened once I finally did that? Well I found out this was this doctors second day in the PICU..a resident is still learning and in Zeta's case most of us were constantly learning. I started to realize that doctors wouldn't devote so many hours of their lives in order to purposefully fail....there were a lot of things I started to realize....I realized the difference between true forgiveness and forgiving someone just bc we think we should or just to avoid conflict. True forgiveness doesn't mean that you agree with what happened or that you were never hurt, it simply means that you realize the emotion is out of your control and in order for you to move on you have to give up your own will and Give it to God just as Jesus said, 'Not my will but thine be done.'

We are weak and helpless in our own capacities. There's only one way that is Divine and right and true- and only one way to Heaven. You have to believe God is real, that Jesus died on the cross and rose again, and that we are imperfect sinners who only have to confess those sins in order to be forgiven. As we do this we find thT we desire to be more like God and when we make poor choices He deals with our hearts in such a way that we actively seek right from wrong. Does that mean we'll always make the right choices? No. Does it mean we have every reason to keep trying? Most definitely!

Why do we do these things???

Why do we create situations that hinder our true (or ETERNAL) happiness?

How do we fall into the trap of losing our focus and making poor choices?

I could write this post based on my own experiences or about the experiences of about a 100 others that I know.

You see, over 4 years ago I was in a pretty dangerous place. I'm not talking literally - I'm just talking about with my soul. When the world becomes our focus we lose sight of the One true focus. We fall into the trap of relying on other things or other people to make us happy. We forget where salvation lies. We forget where true peace resides. We forget the calm assurance and we seek the thrills. We seek what everyone else is searching for. We're on a mission to find the answers to life. The answers to being carefree and the answers to our description of true happiness.

For some people true happiness has the expectations of no boundaries and living life according to your own free will.....I take that back - I believe we ALL reach that point at some time. Most of the time we can put limits on these boundaries and we live as upstanding citizens. What happens when we let our guards down though?

Some people look for the escape from reality. You get tired of hurt and pain. You get tired of routine. You get tired of living in a glass house because you wonder if there is something more.....or maybe you're just scared to live in the glass house because you know it will crack.

I understand we're all imperfect. I preach this all the time. We all make mistakes. Since Adam and Eve our journey of sin took reign. We were created with free will. I get that too....I just don't always understand it....

I mean, I go through this constantly.....since Zeta and the moment that I was so broken and realized that absolutely no one could save me from my pain and no one could make her whole I felt a whole new commitment to God. I finally understood the TRUE meaning of a relationship with God. I got it. I had the peace that I was looking for for so long. In the midst of my most broken moments - in the most difficult situation I had ever encountered I finally knew what it meant to be held. I finally understood God's language. I wasn't just sitting there waiting for it to happen. I begged and pleaded for it to happen. I begged for God to take the pain from me and protect our family.

.....and he has.......through everything we have experienced. Through every hospital visit and through every seizure. Through every tear and through every sleepless night God protected me. I was able to see the goodness through the pain. I was able to hear God over the weeping of my soul. God protected me when I laid my baby on the stretcher for the last time....they wheeled her to a hearse instead of a hospital bed or operating room. Throughout every bit of it I was able to focus on God.

So why the difficulty now??

Why when things should be finally getting back to NORMAL does it all seem to be falling apart again?

It's like I moved my focus for a few days and BAM I'm afraid I forgot how to talk to God. My glass house is shattering all around me. Why am I so distracted? Why can't I just get it right? Why was it so easy to follow and listen in the moment that most felt I should be shaking my fists and giving up??

I'm the opportunist who believes in giving a good pep talk (and God talk) if I think someone needs it....funny thing is most of my pep talks are directly related to me. The things I need to be reminded to do (pray, have faith, etc) and the things that lead to eternal life and true freedom of your soul on earth.....

unfortunately, lately I've been feeling like a huge hypocrite.......because somehow I've lost my focus.....

For the first time in a very long time I sat through church tonight and heard almost nothing the preacher said........I constantly tried to tune in, but I found it so difficult as I was thinking over all of my own personal issues and how sometimes it just seems easier to give in rather than fight the devil......I don't get how I can be so strong in my convictions one day and then all of a sudden it seems everything blows with the wind....

....now before all the speculation begins I haven't done anything illegal or crazy like that.......I just can't find my focus......my eyes and heart, my soul, my being are being tried........

One minute I'm convincing myself that there's nothing wrong with setting aside my convictions for small things, then those small things become big things - then you just as well not even try because you're gonna mess up anyway, right?

Where does stuff like this even come from? How can you go from being so sure of everything you believe and knowing that God is the one true source to salvation and peace and happiness to assuming that you don't need to try so hard because you've got it all wrapped up. Aren't we taught that being a Christian doesn't guarantee an easy path? As a matter of fact quite the opposite could be true - consider Job (yes preacher I did listen a little tonight).

Sometimes I feel like Job. You don't have to jump in tell me that my life is nothing compared to Job - I know this already.

but....here's a BIG but - I get these thoughts - "I found God. I've done the right things. I was saved when I was 8. Several times in my life I was sure I had it all figured out - how to be the proper Christian, how to follow God correctly. For the past few years I KNOW that I've had a very true relationship with God. I withstood the biggest trial of my life - with peace in my heart. I deserve happiness all the time and if I make a poor choice I blame lapse of judgement on watching my daughter die for her whole life. This is the crap I tell myself. I convince myself that I am righteous. I convince myself that I will wear a crown because I'm saved....and because I deserve it. I convince myself that I DESERVE it. It's like an ticking time bomb in my head sometimes. Stevie and I have a disagreement and I fall apart because my daughter is up the road in a grave. I have a bad day, I fall apart because my baby is gone. I make a bad choice I blame it on all the hell I've been through. I forget to do something and I think to myself - heck other people can be sorry and forget stuff and nothing ever happens - at least I have an excuse, my daughter is dead. I watch people I love make poor choices and I fail to stand up and help them find the right way. Someone hurts my feelings and I crumble inside saying "you have absolutely no idea what I've seen and what I've been through." You can be happy and not give a crap about anyone else because YOUVE NEVER HAD TO FIGHT TO MAKE IT OUT OF HELL ON EARTH. Do you get the picture? every aspect of anything that is wrong leads me back to two things - I'VE ALREADY BEEN THROUGH HELL AND I DESERVE HEAVEN. THAT BECOMES MY FAULTY THINKING

I doubt it took you long to realize that the former paragraph is full of self-centered drama and nonsense. nearly 200 WORDS OF WORTHLESS UNWORTHY CRAP about my rightousness- but those are my honestly brutal feelings sometimes. Do you sense the anger? Do you feel the longing to just be normal and forget what actually brought me to be the person I am today.....

What you don't see so much there maybe is the guilt.

The guilt that I hold for feeling as if all my baby went through was somehow my fault. That God knew I couldn't truly see him until I was stripped of every possible part of my soul I wanted to claim as my own. That I would always have some small hold out or some things I would try to keep from him until I was brought completely on my knees and fell flat on my face and said I GIVE UP I CAN"T DO THIS YOU HAVE TO TAKE IT AND YOU HAVE TO FIX IT. The guilt of almost KNOWING that maybe it was my fault. That everything I watched her struggle through was created by me.....created by me because of any and every poor decision I made before she was ever even conceived. Created by me because I was her mother. Created by me because I deserved to be punished for all the sin I'd ever had in my life. Created by me due to poor choices.

Fast forward to after I was so broken that I was either going to die or God was going to save me and then you see another part.....the part that finally understood you have to actively seek God's face. The part that understood that you have to surround yourself with people that encourage you to do just that. The part that tells you that certain things are not good....the part that shows you what it's like to actually WANT to be more like God because you are so grateful that you are saved....because you finally get it.....because in the midst of the senseless you finally feel like you understand just a small part of what it's like to turn EVERYTHING over to GOD....

Then you go through the guilt again....sometimes when I share my experiences I become so overwhelmed by emotion because I see exactly what it took to get me to fully accept the gift God was offering. I was so overwhelmed by thinking of the sin in my life and how I wanted to rid myself of that and that is the moment I truly truly said Ok, it's yours. I didn't care what I had to give up I just wanted safety and assurance. I was finally willing to throw my hands up and say, "I don't care what it takes - make me whole."

The big problem is that since then I've tried so hard to be diligent, I've worked to make my choices align with what I believe He wants for my life. I've bordered on feeling accomplished in living life the right way....

Which is why all of a sudden it feels like I'm not and why all of a sudden I just find myself distracted and not focusing. It's like I just sat down a few days ago and said, Ok - I think I want to go back to my old life now. I don't like the responsibility of being somebody people look up to, I don't like being the mom who lost a child, I don't like putting forth the effort when it seems like so many other people don't. I just want to BE. I just want to exist......without baggage....without thoughts....without responsibility....without worry.

That's the big one, WORRY. I can't fix the world. I would like to, but I can't. I wanted to fix every one of Zeta's problems, but I couldn't. I wanted to fix myself, but I'm still broken. The devil creeps in and says so what....do whatever makes you feel good - don't worry about anything else. If you want to give up, then give up. If you want to skip devotions skip them. If you want to hide from the world hide. If you want to pretend you're on top of the world then do it. The little battles turn into big wars.

Everyday we battle the demons among us. The evil that lives inside us and the evil that lives in the people around us. Sometimes it's easy to throw our hands up in the air and walk away....to try to be something we're not.....to try to make a different life - a life that doesn't include the pain of our pasts. That's what the devil wants. He wants us to cave. He wants us to turn away. He wants us to fool ourselves into believing that some things just aren't worth the trouble.

I started this post knowing it was going to be brutal. knowing it would hurt....knowing I would bare my soul once again.... I started full of anger, guilt and hopelessness. I started full of fear. Fear of the idea that has been in my head that I shouldn't be preaching, teaching or telling anyone about Jesus because I'm so screwed up and I just needed to let the world know it - because then I could let myself off the hook....

but you see that's what the devil wants. He wants me to cave. He wants me to mess up. He wants me to give up the minute I venture toward temptation. He knows the path away from God often looks more glorious because we are blinded by our very own egos.

I can honestly say the distractions have been creeping in for a few days and that the past couple of days I have been totally blinded.... Distractions so huge that I couldn't sit still to focus on anything god was saying to me....things constantly put before me that I chose to ignore. Sitting in church and almost virtually waking to realize I had no clue what the preacher had said in the last five minutes....then looking over to see someone using their bible openly for the first time and knowing that there was a desire and thirst for God.....It was a wake up call that I almost missed because I was so focused on myself.....The journey and growth I've seen of my friend who has walked the spiritual journey kicking and screaming and shaking her fists at God - watching as her heart is opening and the walls are crumbling.....and realizing that as her heart opens mine was seemed to be closing......what a sad irony that would be.....what a great victory for death and evil....

So you know what, the devil doesn't win. I'm staking my claim - here, now and openly to you. I don't get to heaven because I claim to be saved. I don't get to heaven because I'm a good person. I don't get to heaven because of the hell I've been through. I get to heaven because God sent Jesus to die on the cross and I believe that to be true. I have sins - as a human I will always struggle with sin, but I confess those sins and put them in God's hands. I will fight the battles because the war has been won!

love, morality or both?

We all know life isn't perfect.

So why do we expect more from everyone else?

How do we know the difference between someone who is having a bad moment, a bad day - or someone who needs real help?

How do we define easy?

Is love conditional? Should it be?

We all have moments (at least I think we all do)....

Sometimes we feel life is unfair. Sometimes it doesn't make sense and sometimes we feel that we're owed more than we're paid or given.

On the other hand, we all deal with people who are fighting their own struggles and trying to make it through their own journeys. Some make poor choices. Does that make bad people?

Some struggle with actual mental illness and do things that typical people can't even begin to wrap their minds around.

Where's the line? You know, the line in which we withdraw the approval? Does disapproval equal withdrawing of love?

I don't think so. The bible teaches us love and forgiveness, but it also teaches that we must set boundaries and although we are not meant to judge we aren't meant to be enablers either.

It's a very had line to define.

Life throws us all curveballs - be it we're the ones with the bad days, bad moments, or all out bad lives....there are still others fighting their own battles and believe it or not -just as someone always has it better - someone always has it worse too.

Getting caught in the middle of a bad decision or facing the dilemma of trying to figure out how to help someone who doesn't know they need help or even addressing the fact that something is wrong - those are all hard things....someone always gets hurt....

...but when the smoke disappears, do we remain? Do we come back to help heal the wounds or do we pretend it never happened? ......and how do we go about being there and doing the right thing and saying the right thing when we too are sinners - although we forget the lack of hierarchy of sin?

Sometimes we are the ones with the issues and we just want to scream to world that everything isn't ok - but we have to pretend that it is....

I've found that there are so many more people I can relate to when I'm open and honest....
I think there is just a certain way to go about it ----




Galatians 6:5 ESV /

For each will have to bear his own load.


Galatians 6:2 ESV /

Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.


"What good is it, my brothers, if someone says he has faith but does not have works? Can that faith save him? If a brother or sister is poorly clothed and lacking in daily food, and one of you says to them, “Go in peace, be warmed and filled,” without giving them the things needed for the body, what good is that? So also faith by itself, if it does not have works, is dead. But someone will say, “You have faith and I have works.” Show me your faith apart from your works, and I will show you my faith by my works. ..."

James 2:14-24 ESV

So the sentiment here is two-fold....be careful because you never know what someone else is dealing with.....and...we still have a responsibility to guide each other in the right direction....

My repeating question is "how do we continually balance these things?" ----the answer - PRAYER and FAITH.


John 3:16 For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.

small things

I still can't get over the smallest, strangest coincidences that happen. For some unexplainable reason I woke up this morning thinking about the Palmetto Bluff Half-Marathon.

I suppose it may be because I heard Heather talking about it a couple of weeks ago.

Let's go back a little bit.

Last March I completed my 2nd half marathon. Beautiful,flat course. Beautiful day. Relaxing and intriguing at the same time. Fun experience with my cousins Matt, Heather, and Jen.

I believe that was my last race - no more halfs no more 5ks - nothing.

Palmetto Bluff was my last race for a couple of reasons, I suppose.

Zeta's health started declining during that time.

...and it was at this race that I just happened to be a first responder to a man that collapsed and required life-sustaining efforts.

That night, I dreamed that we were at a race - very similar to the one that day - and we had lost, as in MISPLACED, Zeta - trust me that should be something that would have been hard to do....but We couldn't find her. This man, the one that collapsed, came to me - he was the nicest man ever, with the coolest, most crisp and piercing blue eyes. He came to me and assured me that everything was alright. He assured me that we would find her again sometime. He assured me she was happy.

I woke up.

For some reason that dream disturbed me and brought me peace all at the same time.

Several days later I found out the man who collapsed at the course had died.

Again, the dream haunted me. Was it a sign? An omen of some sort? Was he in heaven now and the dream a preview of what was to come?

I quickly dismissed the thought.

Zeta was buried two months to the day from the day of this race last year......

So, back to today - I wake up thinking of this very same race. I count the weeks until race day and quickly dismiss the thought of training for it. I'm currently at a decent 3.1 mile pace. I can do 5 miles if I put my mind to it, but I do not have the time or desire to work toward the 13.1 required for the half.

I decide not to worry about it, although I would really love to go back.....one day.

Here comes the big coincidence.

I check out facebook and the first notification that pops up is about a comment from a man I basically stalked down last year after the Palmetto Bluff....You see, I believe he and his wife are one of the founders of the race - or at least very heavily involved in the non-profit (Back Pack Buddies) that it supports....I was looking for information about the man that collapsed....

I don't talk to this man on a regular basis - as a matter of fact, we may have had just a handful of fb interactions since the time we talked last year.

....but today.....today there's a comment from him on this picture I shared....


"....hope to see you at Palmetto Bluff this year"

Ok, how strange is all of this?

....and what is the reason I feel I should go?

I don't think it matters whether I go and run or nut, but it matters that maybe there is a little message in all of this for me......exactly what the message is and exactly what it is I am supposed to do about it I do not know, but you can't tell me that all of these seemingly inconsequential series of events happening this morning have no meaning.....

If there is one thing I've learned over the past few years it is that nothing is inconsequential.....there is an intricate plan detailed through every single breath we take....it's up to us to ask God to help us follow it....


Proverbs 30:24-28

New International Version (NIV)

24 “Four things on earth are small,
yet they are extremely wise:
25 Ants are creatures of little strength,
yet they store up their food in the summer;
26 hyraxes are creatures of little power,
yet they make their home in the crags;
27 locusts have no king,
yet they advance together in ranks;
28 a lizard can be caught with the hand,
yet it is found in kings’ palaces.


These four things are essentially small......but yet, look at the relative power they possess....Would you wonder why god would choose this particular verse to be a scripture reference? I wonder if it may be to show us that these small, seemingly irrelevant creatures hold much more power than we give them credit for - just like the small little things in our lives - or the small whispers or nudges we're given everyday that - to us - seem to have no meaning.....

Wouldn't it be great to figure it all out?

Wouldn't it be great to meet Jesus face to face one day?

Wouldn't it be great to ask God for all the answers you've ever wondered?

Here's your sign

Random butterfly shows up on my computer - never seen it there before - then I open my new devotional - trying to open to the beginning, and it opens 7 pages in -



So I haven't learned to use the camera correctly on this thing, but it's the verse Jeremiah 29:11.......
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." The same verse that has reminded me that these are God's plans and even when we're weary or weak there is ultimately a plan for good.....

Then on to today's devotion:
Every time you affirm your trust in me, you put a coin into My treasury. Thus you build up equity in preparation for days of trouble. I keep safely in My heart all trust invested in Me, with interest compounded continuously. the more you trust Me, the more I empower you to do so.

Practice trusting Me during quiet days, when nothing much seems to be happening. Then when storms come, your trust balance will be sufficient to see you through. Store up for yourself treasure in heaven through placing your trust in Me. This practice will keep you in My Peace.

Psalm 56:3-4: Matthew 6:20-21

Are these things happenstance? No!

After my tirade yesterday and pretty much a week of self-pity I get some concrete reminders of who is in control here and that everything is going to be ok.....This is what I find so amazing....in my heart I have the faith, yet sometimes I fall into despair and weakness - and it's just at those times that the concrete reminders appear.

Happy Friday Ya'll!

anger, resentment and the fragility of life

If you popped in to read the blog today you might better pull up a chair.....maybe a snack.....some tissues....maybe a pillow.

We could be here a while.

....and I'm warning you it will probably be raw, real, amd emotional (well, not much out of the ordinary for me, I suppose.)

The thing weighing most on my mind is the loss of so many little lives and lives of special friends lately. Losses that may have been predicted by doctors long ago, but still take our breath away....then there are the losses of those who are here one minute and seem so.....well, ALIVE.........but then in an instant that person is gone....

I've not made a whole lot of time for web browsing lately - actually, I'm pretty overwhelmed with my lack of time management at this point in life. Lately, one of my most intense desires has been just to have a day to sleep or a day to just sit...and be....that's all. No thinking, no driving, no working, no outings. Nothing...just peace and reflection - so I guess, by finally sitting down to blog I'm actually doing a little of just that.

I noticed earlier this week some of the prayer requests we've been getting on Team Zeta's Facebook page and inbox and just everything happening around us. A lot of them I've barely read or maybe I really read them and my brain just chose not to comprehend. A sick little one with cancer....not much time......a CHARGE baby with a dire diagnosis that seems way too familiar. A little one with uncontrollable seizures that may need to be trached soon....another with seizures that also seem to be getting worse and uncontrollable....a seemingly healthy young mother has a seizure and dies...Do you get the picture? I could go on....but I'm afraid my mind won't let me continue there right now.

You see I'm already fighting to see through the tears, my head is pounding and my heart racing.

I don't KNOW how these people, these children and their parents are feeling, but I sure as hell have a pretty good idea.

Okay, so here comes some of the anger.

It's not fair.

It is so not fair that these babies are dying when there are idiots that are facing their 3rd, 4th, 5th DUI and nothing is done until they finally kill somebody on the road. It's not fair that these families have to watch their babies suffer - praying for just one more breath and then there are other mothers putting bullets in their child's head. It's not fair, it's not fair, it's not fair. I could continue on, but (thankfully) my mind only lets me go so far for so long (it's a pretty dark place) before faith overcomes and the rational part of me takes control.....

I know it's not right to have these thoughts (although, according to research it is pretty normal)....Perhaps I should say that maybe it's just not right to TALK about these thoughts.... I know it's not healthy to dwell on the 'it's not fair' stuff of the world - but it happens. I have these thoughts and let me tell you, this week has been one heck of a ride.

It makes me sick.....literally.....to compare the injustices of life and look at these dying children....

It's not fair that while one mother sits by her child's side praying for another day, another minute....just one more smile ----that another mother is dancing the night away wearing prada shoes and doesn't second guess that her child will still be sleeping safely in bed when she returns home.....It's not fair that disease and pain and hurt enters our lives..... Especially if you're trying to live life the "right" way, right? (please understand I'm not faulting the dancing mom, I'm just pointing out all we take for granted)

It's not fair that Zeta is gone. It's not fair that I have such intense feelings relating to these families losing their babies. It's not fair that this is happening to them. It's not fair that it happened to me. IT'S NOT FAIR!!!


By creation, life is not designed to be fair.

I get that I suppose you could say I'm still working through the anger stage of grief here...What makes it worse is the days that I seem to hate everything.....well maybe I wouldn't say I hate everything, but everything seems to get on my nerves - please tell me you understand that - that sometimes you feel that way too?.,then I end up hating those feelings the most because I know they're not right, but still it hurts, and still the pain comes, and still the fleeting questions of why and the monotonous and repetitious it's. not. fair. What's crazy is that for so long I knew nothing about the anger....I knew it would eventually come, I expected it....only I didn't expect it to hurt this way.... It cuts so many ways

anger about death, anger about life, anger of what we have....and what we don't.............AND the audacity to sometimes actually begin to believe that I shouldn't have to deal with it because "I'm a pretty decent person."

Being a pretty decent person doesn't save you from anything. Being a Christian doesn't save you from pain.....I almost wrecklessly typed that being a Christian doesn't save you from anything.....but even in my pain, even through my tears, and even through my most angry times I still know that being a Christian is EXACTLY what saves me from everything - from having these awful, dreadful feelings every second of my life......when these feelings come I know that I have Jesus. I know that my God - yes the same God that allows seemingly unfair things to happen - allows me peace. My God allows me comfort. My God allows me to know that there is so much more than the hurt and disease and pain and suffering of God. My God allows me to know that nothing I've experienced or will ever experience will be in vain. Every step I've made, every failure, every hardship, EVERY SINGLE EXPERIENCE I've had has led me right to where I am....I've accepted God as my Savior. I've accepted His will to be done....whether I like the sequence or the plans. I've accepted that He knows best. Like a tired, spoiled child - I know His way is right, but sometimes I'm too exhausted to try to see it His way....and sometimes I just WANT it my way........

It's pretty ironic that every time I have a certain thought, fear, or concern that a gentle reminder is sent....be it a spoken message, an image.....just some reminder of what the Truth is.....
No, it's not ironic at all.........I've learned that God has got me....he's right there all the time....thing is it's harder to notice when I get too self-centered.

You know this lack of time management I've talked about? Well, this has included that a lot of my quiet devotion time has been cut....It's included missing a Sunday or Wednesday night church service here or there. Heck, it's included me losing most any reflective thought at all.....

You see, the holidays rolled around. Christmas, my favorite time of year....only, at times it didn't seem so enjoyable...I didn't feel a whole lot like celebrating....then there's the Birth story - the story of Jesus' birth..........so much talk about how this tiny baby came to earth to save the world. About how this tiny baby did not do anything but be born under humble circumstances.....
It may sound stupid to you, but I spent so much time comparing the birth and life of Jesus to Zeta and her short life.....A tiny baby and an unfathomable amount of trust, faith and understanding....

One minute I'd be crying about my loss.....the next I'm crying because I see how some of the most simple things are taken for granted....then I'm crying because it has taken what seems like an insurmountable amount of pain for me to put my priorities in order....and so I cry some more.....I cry because I thought (mistakenly, once again) that I kind of had it figured out and I knew how to be humble, I was (am) gracious, I was (am) thankful - even through the pain - perhaps more so BECAUSE of the pain........but then there are 'those' moments.....

The ones when the black cloud seems to follow me.....the ones when I'm sad, or more so when I'm mad.....when the human part of me tries to fight the faith inside of me.....the times when it seems like we struggle to make ends meet while others - who in society's eyes - cheat the system and seem to live better - or others who lie, gamble, cheat or steal seem to come out on top....You know, those self=righteous moments....the moments when I'm drowning in self-pity and just can't see the logic behind how someone else's life gets to be better than mine?

Wanna know one of my latest self-pity, hate the world moments? I have a treadmill. In the past week or so it has just randomly stopped in the middle of a run...then the other night the screen goes out.....Well, you know me....nice calm Angel, right? I stomped my foot, punched the treadmill, said a few not so nice words and stormed off to the shower. The longer I was in there the madder I got. A 3 mile run...that was my goal. I was making record time (well, for me, anyway). I was at 2.95 miles. The machine stopped. It's not that old. Piece of crap. I can't have anything....everything I have is crap....The faucets in here look like crap....The toilet and sink have hard water stains...why didn't we ever finish the baseboard right there? So I marched myself back to the den, fell in the floor, cried and continued my little tantrum with Stevie. What in the world did we do wrong? We dated in highschool. went to college, got married then had kids. Did everything right on the check list....why does it seem like everybody else has a better life? Why can't we have anything....why can't we make millions......why did Zeta die????????? why were WE chosen for this life?? Why why why wah wah wah....

Yep, I had a nice little pity party right there in the floor.....and it felt like crap.

It felt like crap because I know better.

I know we are so much better off than so many more people.....I know that while in my mind it sometimes seems like we struggle to make ends meet that is just really not true...we have things that we could do without...for goodness sake the whole thing that set it off was a treadmill......I'm pouting over a treadmill and some people don't know where they will sleep tonight.....I also know that much of my pity party had nothing to do with the treadmill, but so much more to do with the hurt and pain and anger I try so hard to suppress.....You see, it's ok for me to be mad at the stupid machine. It's not ok for me to be mad at God.

More, than having a roof over my head and food to eat - I have God. I have the assurance that life on earth is not eternal....my broken heart is not infinite....Even with moments of anger and not always understanding I have peace in knowing that this is all temporary. I know that I will see my God one day. I know that my baby Zeta is healed and I know my heart will heal too.

I could seriously go on forever and a day about the pain, the peace, all the feelings that are fighting their way out.....but a busy schedule dictates that my time of reflection is over now and back to the real world.....I'm sure I'll be back for another short snippet of "life according to Angel soon!"