died and healed

It seems like forever since I posted.

I could blame that on a lot of things. We haven’t had reliable internet service in about 2 weeks. My friends and family are keeping me really busy. We had the Team Zeta events……
Or I could just kind of tell the truth – which is I still have a hard time with the word ‘died’…..and I’m still trying to avoid the sad feelings that come with death.
Died. It sounds like such a harsh word. It seems like forever since my baby died. Then again, I wake up every morning and walk into the den (better known as “Zeta’s room”) and fully expect to see her there- in her bed. It’s still a shock every single morning that I go in there and she’s not there. It’s been 14 days since she died. Why am I still in shock that she’s not here? What am I expecting? Why do I refuse to move all of her supplies and equipment? How long will they stay there – in the den – in her room? I’m still learning that I can leave the house if Lavonya (Zeta’s nurse) isn’t here.

It’s just all so……..strange. I don’t know if strange is the word. It’s just……weird……..no, that’s not it…..I don’t know. It’s just not right. How is it that two weeks ago I had 3 children. Two boys and a girl. Today, I have just two children. My two boys. If I let myself think about it – it’s really hard. I know I have to grieve and believe me, I cry every single day…….but I keep waiting for everything to fall apart. I keep waiting to break again. I keep waiting………

If you look at us from the outside it seems like everything is just fine. I, myself, think we are doing an excellent job of coping. That is only explained by faith – by God – by the love and support of so many, many people. We are doing a good job of coping, at least I think so anyway. I do know how well my baby is doing right now. I do know that she is healed….that she is running and laughing and playing. I am grateful that the Lord created us to have eternal life and that I am faithful in knowing that my baby is already with Him enjoying that Life.

What is hard is the fact that she is gone. My baby is gone. Although her life here was difficult, my selfish heart wanted her to remain here forever. I don’t want to admit I don’t know when I’ll ever hold her again. I don’t want to admit she isn’t going to be here, in her bed, in her room in the morning when I wake up. The selfish, human part of me wants her back with me. I don’t want to clean out her stuff. I don’t want to let go.
What makes that burden easier is strictly faith. Faith that my baby is with my Maker, and faith that I can make it through the day, the next second- without my baby here. Faith that has never failed me. A God that has never failed. Even in the darkest times, in my most broken times – I’ve made it to the other side. I will make it. I will live this life and I will die knowing that I will see her again. ….that nothing in this earthly life will break me to the point that I cannot be whole in Heaven. Sometimes that is the ONLY thing that keeps me going.

Want to know what else keeps me going? Love. We’ve been surrounded by love. The love of our family has been phenomenal. There is no other way to describe it. The love of our friends and that of mere acquaintances and strangers has helped us through so many times in our lives. We’re fortunate to have so much support. We’re fortunate to experience love in so many, many ways.

Some days I wonder what will happen if everyone forgets. Right now, everyone is still trying to distract us. Everyone wants to help us through what we’ve been through – what we’re going through. Will I wake up one day and want to scream to the world to stop because my baby died?

I think we’re doing well. I worry about what will happen if we start falling apart. We’ve made it through so much. Stevie and I have talked about this over and over again, but there were so many times that we watched Zeta suffer……so many times that we weren’t sure of what the outcome would be………so many times that we felt lost……..and it was hard….really, really hard. Surprisingly, we feel like we faced some darker times before she died than in her actual death. I think the only thing that CAN explain that IS faith. When there is absolutely nothing left to hold onto and faith remains then the peace it brings is indescribable.

Our baby is healed. She suffers no more. I can make it through today – through this next moment because I know this……..I can smile because I know that I will be there with her one day.

Look!!

I couldn't make up anything that sounded this good....As I was looking through a drawer this morning I came across this! Look, it's 'Zeta's verse' along with butterflies, which have come to symbolize -to us- her healing. God and my baby girl are making sure I hear them loud and clear! (My cousin gave me this sun catcher just after Zeta was born. The suction cup thing never wanted to stay on the window so I hung it from a cabinet drawer. Later I moved it for fear of it getting broken and haven't thought about it since. So it has sat in a drawer for nearly 3 years, until today when 'Someone' knew I needed to see it.)

Listen

I keep waiting for the breaking point.

I have been amazed at the composure and sense of peace God has blessed me with in the past few days.

I was sure the breaking point had come this morning.

I've been having some of those brief dizzy spells again for a while now. This morning when I tried to get out of bed I could not focus on anything. I felt the emotion spilling out and it was all Stevie could do to help me get to the floor. I knew this was it. I was going to break again and it would take weeks to recover. When I was finally able to get to the bed I fell into a deep, hard sleep.

Today was planned as Zeta's 'formal' baby dedication. This was planned back in March. Our preacher thought Mother's Day would be a fitting day for such a meaningful time in our lives. We did not know then the events that would happen before this day.

Last night, Stevie and I had decided that we would all go to church together....something we had not had the opportunity to do since Steven's baptism last April.

This morning, the fact that there would be no baby dedication and the fact that I was a mom celebrating my first mother's day without my daughter weighed heavily on my mind. I just kept letting the negative play over and over in my head until I just couldn't stand it.

I failed to remember that Zeta has the most beautiful life possible now - eternal life- in HEAVEN. I failed to remember that I had two of the most precious little boys that needed me and were looking forward to having both moma and daddy at church with them this morning. I guess I failed to rely on my faith.

I awoke to hear Stevie calling someone to come get the boys for church. In that instant I knew that I had to go to church regardless of what I was feeling. I almost literally crawled out of bed and held on to the wall as I tried to get ready. I didn't know how I was going to get to church, but I was determined and I knew that I had to - then I thought of Mrs. Rose, my grandmoma's best friend. Her husband died the same time as my nephew. I remember vividly seeing her walk through the door of my sister's house to come offer support for her when I know she was dealing with her on grief. What a remarkable example of courage and love. I knew then that I could do this. I already knew that God was telling me to go, but with Mrs. Rose's example I knew it was possible.

Of course, because I had gone back to sleep and was such a mess trying to get myself together we were a couple of minutes late to church. When we got there they had given the rose for "oldest mother" (I think I have this right). Mrs. Julia usually gets it....but when we were walking in she was giving a speech (she likes to talk like I like to write) about what an honor it was to always receive special recognition, etc but that this year she would like to dedicate it to me for being a mother. Well, of course the tears just poured out - but good tears!

Once the service got started I quickly realized that Rev. Brian was going to proceed with Zeta's baby dedication. of course, it was quite different than the dedication service I had imagined (Zeta wasn't there) but it was just what I needed this morning. He even presented us with her dedication certificate. He followed with a mother's day service and preached on an unlikely mother -Jochebed, Moses mother. He drew parallels between Jochebed's grief and joy and my own. Devin sang the most beautiful rendition of Hannah's prayer - the song we had chosen for Zeta's dedication. Everything about this service seemed specifically related to me - and to think, I almost missed it!

As I sat in church, the dizziness never returned and the joy and peaceful calm assurance returned to my soul. That can only be explained by One.

When you think you've hit bottom or you can't go on, when you hear that still small voice encouraging you to do what you think is impossible.........just listen.......trust me, JUST LISTEN!

butterflies

Last night was tough, I won't lie. I got maybe a couple of hours of sleep.....but Zeta came to visit this morning. Wait, don't think that I've lost my mind - let me explain. A couple of weeks ago we had a meeting with Zeta's medical team. We knew the end was getting closer. I have to tell you it was a super hard meeting and was very heavy on my heart. After the meeting I went outside and 2 of the most huge, most beautiful butterflies circled 'round and 'round each other- literally like they dropped out of the sky in front of my face. I ran inside to get Stevie to show him and they were still there. Butterflies symbolize the journey of life to death and resurrection, HOPE. This was my sign from God that everything was going to be ok. A few days later, we had another medical team meeting. As I began to share my butterfly story, I looked across the table at Odessa (one of our dear, sweet Hospice nurses) and she was wearing scrubs COVERED in BUTTERFLIES!! After that, butterflies seemed to appear everywhere - outside, on books, on the internet. I knew that God was telling me everything was going to be fine. Yesterday, I noticed that there were decorative butterflies on Zeta's casket spray and some of the other flowers- we didn't request this, and it is very possible someone close to us clued the florist in on our butterfly story - but still it was a reassuring reminder to me when I walked that long aisle down to the casket. Now, more to the point....obviously butterflies are a very strong symbolic sign to us of Zeta and her life and death and her healing in heaven. This morning my daddy burst into my room with his laptop in hand. The screensaver on his computer randomly changes at times. Guess what was on it this morning? You got it! Many, many butterflies. Zeta came to tell him Good Morning and he brought her to see me! Oh, the excitement on my daddy's face and the joy it ALL brought to my heart. Keep praying, keep believing, keep looking. You'll find the answers you're looking for!
(Think I'm going to move this post to my blog.)

She's at rest

Thankful is not a strong enough word to describe what I feel in my heart.

Our baby girl ran to Jesus on Tuesday and her body was put to rest yesterday.

The love that our family has been shown is beyond remarkable.

The peace that God granted us seems supernatural.

The words and actions of everyone surrounding us have continued to sustain us.

We were given three wonderful years with our baby. In those three years I learned more about life and God and myself than I could ever imagine. I learned that love truly conquers all. I came to understand that there is so much truth to the saying that life is a miracle. Seeing Zeta struggle with the most simple things that we take for granted (like even just breathing) showed me that there is so much that we take for granted. I knew before birth that Zeta wouldn't be here forever. No one told me that, it is something I felt in my heart. After she was born, there were many times that I was told that no one was sure how long she would survive. We were blessed to have three awesome years. Three years in which we made it our top priority to give her every possible chance to ease her life and make her comfortable. Three years to feel the love she had for her us and watch her beautiful smile. Three years to show her how incredible our love was for her....and three years to follow God's plan for her life. We were given three years with the opportunity to live each day as it may be our last with her. How awesome it would be if we could live every day with every person we love in the same way.

Someone recently sent me a card and noted that it was awesome that Zeta never hurt anyone's feelings and her feelings were never hurt- what a wonderful idea.....wouldn't it be great if we all lived and died the same way?

They say weddings and funerals bring out the worst in people. They also say that having a child with extreme medical needs can tear a family apart.

I say that God has shown the world that it doesn't have to be like that. Yesterday, our family took part in the most wonderful service for Zeta. Everything was done in love. I cannot begin to thank John, Brian, the musicians, Devin, Lavonya, Tosha, the florists, First Baptist Church, Fran, our family, our friends and all that were involved in making it such a wonderful memory for us - the celebration of our girl running in heaven. The celebration of reminding us that our Redeemer lives and that faith and love most truly conquers all!

Faith and love have carried our family through some of the darkest times in our lives and I'm sure many believe that Tuesday and yesterday had to be some of the darkest. Stevie and I have continually talked about how this week, although difficult, has not been the worst that we have faced - that there have been so many times throughout Zeta's short life that we fought the inner demons. So many times that we lived in fear and the worry of not knowing what would happen. Our family has lived apart through many hospitalizations. We made it through sleepless nights and through differences amongst ourselves and Zeta's providers - but through it all we were blessed with grace and dignity and LOVE. That Still Calm Voice that guided our every decision - friends, God is who has carried us and it is God that has made every bit of this possible. Too many prayers answered. Too many miracles revealed. Too many 'coincidences' to explain. It's just ----GOD. Without question, losing Zeta's earthly presence left us heartbroken - BUT it gave us the greatest peace in knowing that her SOUL has ARRIVED in HEAVEN and that she is HEALED and that we are promised that same eternal life! We will all be re-united one sweet day.

Until that day, we'll hug a little tighter, love a little harder and continue to follow His plan for our lives!

Yesterday my heart broke while my soul began healing. We held our baby girl into Heaven. She didn't suffer and we were surrounded with infinite love and support. Zeta is whole and she is laughing and dancing in Heaven. There is no doubt in my mind! We are so very thankful for all of your encouragement. Zeta's story is not over...I know there is a lot yet to be told! We love you all ♥

One day I'll be the hands and feet......

Have you ever wondered what makes people the way that they are? Do you wonder why people do the things they do? I often ponder on things that make the world go 'round. I wonder what shapes and defines us.

It's easy to say that circumstances shape us.......but it's so much more than that. Two people can go through the same obstacles in life but their experiences can vary significantly. Why is that? Why is it that some become cold and bitter while others try to learn and make things better? Why (or how) do some people excel at making life easier for others? Where does it come from?

In the past few years I've been fortunate to hear from others about how their experiences have shaped them. Some look for peace in what others would consider the wrong places. Some turn to God while others turn their backs. Some have a desire to save others from the same pain they've experienced. Some try to make you laugh and some sit quietly and just hold your hand when you need it.

I think we all seek happiness. When things go wrong we try any and every method to feed our souls - regardless of the long-term outcome what we want is to feel good again - to feel whole. When things go terribly wrong (sometimes I don't thing anything even has to be wrong, though) we have an emptiness in our soul that needs to be filled.



Grief comes in many forms. Grief over loss......loss of love, loss of a job, a marriage, a pet, loss of life. When we experience loss our minds go into survival mode. A turmoil of emotions. Loss makes an impact. The impact is usually met with woeful anticipation.

Routine is easy. Routine keeps us grounded. Routine is necessary.........but so is change.

Loss is change.

Loss can change us.....but there are so many other things that change us too.

Why do people do the things they do?

Sometimes we're never privy to that information. We don't know why people are the way that they are and we don't know what makes people tick.

Sometimes we don't understand. We don't know why some people seem to thrive on being miserable. I'd say that they don't enjoy it as much as they appear to - they're just afraid of being hurt or maybe just afraid that if the world knows the 'real' them they won't be accepted so it's just easier to appear as the awful, mean, hateful person who doesn't care.

Fortunately, most people I come across aren't like that. In fact, we've been delighted to know some of the most awesome and caring people in the world. People that may not even really know us but give so much of themselves that it makes me cry tears of joy and feel a sense of indebtedness.....Not indebtedness in a sense of owing the person(s) that has shown us such compassion, but indebtedness in the sense of showing the same compassion to someone else that is in need. Indebtedness of love. There are some gifts that don't have a price tag and there are some gifts that aren't even tangible.

I just cannot explain the love that my heart holds for our family, our friends, our community, and the community of Team Zeta. We have been extended so much love. We have been given more than what we could have asked for and more than what we even knew we needed. People always show up at just the right time with just the right thing and just the right feeling in their hearts. These are not things that are always logically explained......

and as for what makes people the way that they are? There are a lot of factors.....but I believe that we've witnessed the hands and feet of God working all around us for a very long time and for that I am eternally grateful!