Listen

I keep waiting for the breaking point.

I have been amazed at the composure and sense of peace God has blessed me with in the past few days.

I was sure the breaking point had come this morning.

I've been having some of those brief dizzy spells again for a while now. This morning when I tried to get out of bed I could not focus on anything. I felt the emotion spilling out and it was all Stevie could do to help me get to the floor. I knew this was it. I was going to break again and it would take weeks to recover. When I was finally able to get to the bed I fell into a deep, hard sleep.

Today was planned as Zeta's 'formal' baby dedication. This was planned back in March. Our preacher thought Mother's Day would be a fitting day for such a meaningful time in our lives. We did not know then the events that would happen before this day.

Last night, Stevie and I had decided that we would all go to church together....something we had not had the opportunity to do since Steven's baptism last April.

This morning, the fact that there would be no baby dedication and the fact that I was a mom celebrating my first mother's day without my daughter weighed heavily on my mind. I just kept letting the negative play over and over in my head until I just couldn't stand it.

I failed to remember that Zeta has the most beautiful life possible now - eternal life- in HEAVEN. I failed to remember that I had two of the most precious little boys that needed me and were looking forward to having both moma and daddy at church with them this morning. I guess I failed to rely on my faith.

I awoke to hear Stevie calling someone to come get the boys for church. In that instant I knew that I had to go to church regardless of what I was feeling. I almost literally crawled out of bed and held on to the wall as I tried to get ready. I didn't know how I was going to get to church, but I was determined and I knew that I had to - then I thought of Mrs. Rose, my grandmoma's best friend. Her husband died the same time as my nephew. I remember vividly seeing her walk through the door of my sister's house to come offer support for her when I know she was dealing with her on grief. What a remarkable example of courage and love. I knew then that I could do this. I already knew that God was telling me to go, but with Mrs. Rose's example I knew it was possible.

Of course, because I had gone back to sleep and was such a mess trying to get myself together we were a couple of minutes late to church. When we got there they had given the rose for "oldest mother" (I think I have this right). Mrs. Julia usually gets it....but when we were walking in she was giving a speech (she likes to talk like I like to write) about what an honor it was to always receive special recognition, etc but that this year she would like to dedicate it to me for being a mother. Well, of course the tears just poured out - but good tears!

Once the service got started I quickly realized that Rev. Brian was going to proceed with Zeta's baby dedication. of course, it was quite different than the dedication service I had imagined (Zeta wasn't there) but it was just what I needed this morning. He even presented us with her dedication certificate. He followed with a mother's day service and preached on an unlikely mother -Jochebed, Moses mother. He drew parallels between Jochebed's grief and joy and my own. Devin sang the most beautiful rendition of Hannah's prayer - the song we had chosen for Zeta's dedication. Everything about this service seemed specifically related to me - and to think, I almost missed it!

As I sat in church, the dizziness never returned and the joy and peaceful calm assurance returned to my soul. That can only be explained by One.

When you think you've hit bottom or you can't go on, when you hear that still small voice encouraging you to do what you think is impossible.........just listen.......trust me, JUST LISTEN!