I could blame that on a lot of things. We haven’t had reliable internet service in about 2 weeks. My friends and family are keeping me really busy. We had the Team Zeta events……
Or I could just kind of tell the truth – which is I still have a hard time with the word ‘died’…..and I’m still trying to avoid the sad feelings that come with death.
Died. It sounds like such a harsh word. It seems like forever since my baby died. Then again, I wake up every morning and walk into the den (better known as “Zeta’s room”) and fully expect to see her there- in her bed. It’s still a shock every single morning that I go in there and she’s not there. It’s been 14 days since she died. Why am I still in shock that she’s not here? What am I expecting? Why do I refuse to move all of her supplies and equipment? How long will they stay there – in the den – in her room? I’m still learning that I can leave the house if Lavonya (Zeta’s nurse) isn’t here.
It’s just all so……..strange. I don’t know if strange is the word. It’s just……weird……..no, that’s not it…..I don’t know. It’s just not right. How is it that two weeks ago I had 3 children. Two boys and a girl. Today, I have just two children. My two boys. If I let myself think about it – it’s really hard. I know I have to grieve and believe me, I cry every single day…….but I keep waiting for everything to fall apart. I keep waiting to break again. I keep waiting………
If you look at us from the outside it seems like everything is just fine. I, myself, think we are doing an excellent job of coping. That is only explained by faith – by God – by the love and support of so many, many people. We are doing a good job of coping, at least I think so anyway. I do know how well my baby is doing right now. I do know that she is healed….that she is running and laughing and playing. I am grateful that the Lord created us to have eternal life and that I am faithful in knowing that my baby is already with Him enjoying that Life.
What is hard is the fact that she is gone. My baby is gone. Although her life here was difficult, my selfish heart wanted her to remain here forever. I don’t want to admit I don’t know when I’ll ever hold her again. I don’t want to admit she isn’t going to be here, in her bed, in her room in the morning when I wake up. The selfish, human part of me wants her back with me. I don’t want to clean out her stuff. I don’t want to let go.
What makes that burden easier is strictly faith. Faith that my baby is with my Maker, and faith that I can make it through the day, the next second- without my baby here. Faith that has never failed me. A God that has never failed. Even in the darkest times, in my most broken times – I’ve made it to the other side. I will make it. I will live this life and I will die knowing that I will see her again. ….that nothing in this earthly life will break me to the point that I cannot be whole in Heaven. Sometimes that is the ONLY thing that keeps me going.
Want to know what else keeps me going? Love. We’ve been surrounded by love. The love of our family has been phenomenal. There is no other way to describe it. The love of our friends and that of mere acquaintances and strangers has helped us through so many times in our lives. We’re fortunate to have so much support. We’re fortunate to experience love in so many, many ways.
Some days I wonder what will happen if everyone forgets. Right now, everyone is still trying to distract us. Everyone wants to help us through what we’ve been through – what we’re going through. Will I wake up one day and want to scream to the world to stop because my baby died?
I think we’re doing well. I worry about what will happen if we start falling apart. We’ve made it through so much. Stevie and I have talked about this over and over again, but there were so many times that we watched Zeta suffer……so many times that we weren’t sure of what the outcome would be………so many times that we felt lost……..and it was hard….really, really hard. Surprisingly, we feel like we faced some darker times before she died than in her actual death. I think the only thing that CAN explain that IS faith. When there is absolutely nothing left to hold onto and faith remains then the peace it brings is indescribable.
Our baby is healed. She suffers no more. I can make it through today – through this next moment because I know this……..I can smile because I know that I will be there with her one day.
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