I met a new friend the other day.
We had an instant connection. You know, one of those connections where you feel like you're peering into someone else's soul?
Only the tie that binds us is one that I sometimes wish no one ever had to experience. We've both been mothers of medically complex children, children with rare brain malformations at that - and we both lost our precious daughters.
Another friend recently told me - "It's not a fun club to be a part of."
That much is certainly true.
What I found in talking with my new friend though is all of the 'firsts' I'm experiencing since the loss of Zeta…….some of the things that may seem strange to you or that most people never have to think of she related to or had already experienced……..
For instance, when talking about how many children I have- I still don't quite know how to answer that question….I’ve had 3 children, but only 2 remain with me.
There are other things too - like I've walked around my house looking at all the awesome pictures Brannon, Rebecca, and Fran have taken of our family.....The next family picture we will take won't include our whole family. A piece of us is gone. I don't know how I will handle that.
Little things...........they seem insignificant in our everyday lives...........until your everyday life is turned upside down.
I even look at my facebook background and profile photos- First and last pictures of our whole family at the beach. I used to change my pictures frequently, but now.......now I don't know if I ever will.......
Just walking into our den - the room that became Zeta's room - is sometimes still hugely emotional.....our family, as a whole, still largely avoids the den.
One of the strange emotions we talked about was the whole medical lifestyle.....how when you lose your child you lose the beeps of the machines, the doctor's visits, the therapist visits, the constant researching for a new way to help your child.........all of those things present a loss too......strange as it may seem you crave all the craziness that robbed you from decent sleep and kept your mind in a constant whirlwind.........
Then there's the question of reaching out to other families - something I feel very called and compelled to do.....when telling my story I want them to hear the message of hope.....sometimes I worry that because Zeta's earthly life ended they will miss the whole point of what our experiences taught us. There is still much hope in Zeta's story. I don't ever lose sight of that.
.....still, as a mother, the pain often feels very new and very raw and yet so long ago all at the same time……and from the conversations I've had with other mothers who have lost their babies the pain grows and changes with us......but it never fades completely......
......still, it's not a hopeless pain.....not for me, anyway.
Truly, I miss Zeta's earthly presence……..but more than that I’ve learned that my most important focus is on God alone. Through that knowledge I have grown and learned so much. I have learned to pay attention to the small things. I have learned to seek the answers that are sometimes so plain to see, yet we get so caught up in the world that we don’t see it. I’ve learned that FAITH is a billion dollar word with an infinite amount of meaning. I know that Jesus lives, God loves, and people are far greater than they might always lead you to believe. I’ve learned that I’m stronger than I ever imagined and that everything does, in fact, serve a greater purpose. I’m learning how to live life without my little girl…..more than that I am learning the good that has come out of every battle she fought. Yes, I said good – you see if we are so busy focusing on the bad we lose sight of the good………but God never promised easy………..since the beginning we lost any promise of an earthly life that resembles heavenly life. It’s up to us to accept the promise of Salvation and continue to let others know how rewarding and hopeful a life saved by grace truly is…….
A journey of life, death, love.....
Sunday, September 22, 2013
Friday, September 13, 2013
life again
Life.
I talk about it a lot.
I’ve also talked about my walk with anxiety. That strange relationship I have with her and how she can rear her ugly head any time she pleases.
I know I sound a little like Sybil (you know, the lady with multiple personalities).
I’ve found that it was a little easier to talk about anxiety when I felt there was kind of a reason for me to feel anxious. I put it all out there about the day I really broke down and all the feelings I had leading to that moment. I told you about how at one minute everything could seem perfectly fine and then the next minute it all seems to want to fall apart.
What I haven’t told you is how it creeps into my “normal” life too.
You see, when you’re the parent of a child with numerous medical needs people kind of expect you to lose it at some point or another. You wouldn’t believe how many comments I got about how people were so impressed that I kept it together for so long.
When you’re the parent that loses a child you’re still given the opportunity to lose it and break down without reason and without cause at any time…….
…but perhaps when the grieving ‘grace period’ is over you feel like you need to suck it up and move on…….
I mean everybody has problems, right?
I mean I could sit and grumble and moan and groan and fall in the floor and whine and continuously
shout “why me, why her, why our family Lord!?”
Only, that’s not proper – I should have been doing that the day of the funeral right?
Well, I do have those feelings sometimes – but it’s really strange how it all happens.
This has been a tough week for me. There is no particular reason. I love my job. I feel like I get to see my boys more. Everything is fine at home (except for the fact that I can’t keep up with the laundry and my house looks like a tornado hit it). Everything seems perfect. I am happy!
Only, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve got out of bed this week and had to force myself to be ok with being able to get out of bed. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wanted to stay in bed – or better yet, find the deepest, darkest hole to climb into. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve prayed to God to help get me through it once again and how many pep-talks I’ve given myself.
Now, at the moment when these feelings arrive I can’t pinpoint any specific feeling that is causing them. That’s the odd thing about anxiety…..the physical feelings come before the emotional ones – or maybe it’s the fact that we fight the emotions for so long that the only way the body can compensate is through the physical.
I get the sensation of my heart racing, I have these strange brain zaps – weird, I know, then I start feeling like I can’t breathe and I either feel like I’m going to faint, throw-up, or die -depending on the severity it takes on my body.
I know, I know, it all sounds like something that I should be able to control. It makes me sound like
a schizophrenic at worst and a hypochondriac at best.
Fact is, I know a little about anxiety and I know that I’m not going to literally die. I know that I’m letting the emotional take the form of the physical…..but yet I haven’t fully learned to master it. Sometimes it still comes in and threatens to overtake everything.
For example, I told you I’ve been battling these feelings all week. There has been no present reason I should be having anxiety. My job is great, my boys are great, my marriage is great. So, when the physical symptoms of anxiety have presented themselves I’ve tried to push it further and further into the back of my mind. I haven’t dealt with it at all
………..until last night…………..
Last night it consumed me. I didn’t try to cover it up, I didn’t try to pretend my body wasn’t telling
me something. I just let it happen. I cried….. a lot. I felt the loss of Zeta. I felt the inadequate feelings of the time I lost as a mother with my boys. I felt the inadequate feeling of having to learn new things in a new place in a new job. I felt those feelings. I thought about similar feelings and experiences I’ve had at other times in my life. I just…..felt. I let it happen and I let it be.
When you deal with anxiety that is the best thing to do. That’s why people pay big bucks for therapy. You seek the catharsis of actually feeling your feelings – no matter how scary. “Feeling” anything is what we continually run away from, but I wonder if it is the only way God can really help us.
We can pray for God to take the physical pain and feelings of the anxiety away, but until we realize where it comes from we can’t talk with Him about it and we can’t deal with it. If we’re continually trying to hide from ourselves then we’re also hiding from God. God knows and sees everything, but we are instructed to be open and not hide. I think that’s part of the free will God gives us.
Now, I’m sure this whole post will have some people walking on egg shells around me and wondering if I’m really alright…….and right now, I really am……That’s another strange thing about anxiety – sometimes you really are perfectly ok and you feel ok and everything is in harmony. It’s just those moments you seem to get blind-sided by the physical part that are so crazy!
Everybody has a story, everybody experiences pain. I think most people try to create the façade that everything is ok and that’s perfectly fine – as a matter of fact I think that at most times we should try to see the best in everything and make interactions with others positive…….but – BUT if you are hurting, if you are dealing with pain, if you feel inadequate, if you struggle and think no one understands your pain. Talk to someone. Talk to God. Talk to your pastor. Talk to a trusted friend. Find a way to deal with those feelings. Find a counselor or therapist – they are basically like a paid friend that has to keep your feelings in confidence. No matter what you do – DEAL with the feelings. PRAY about it! Regardless of how insignificant you think your pain may be – it is still YOUR pain and someone can relate and God can heal!
I talk about it a lot.
I’ve also talked about my walk with anxiety. That strange relationship I have with her and how she can rear her ugly head any time she pleases.
I know I sound a little like Sybil (you know, the lady with multiple personalities).
I’ve found that it was a little easier to talk about anxiety when I felt there was kind of a reason for me to feel anxious. I put it all out there about the day I really broke down and all the feelings I had leading to that moment. I told you about how at one minute everything could seem perfectly fine and then the next minute it all seems to want to fall apart.
What I haven’t told you is how it creeps into my “normal” life too.
You see, when you’re the parent of a child with numerous medical needs people kind of expect you to lose it at some point or another. You wouldn’t believe how many comments I got about how people were so impressed that I kept it together for so long.
When you’re the parent that loses a child you’re still given the opportunity to lose it and break down without reason and without cause at any time…….
…but perhaps when the grieving ‘grace period’ is over you feel like you need to suck it up and move on…….
I mean everybody has problems, right?
I mean I could sit and grumble and moan and groan and fall in the floor and whine and continuously
shout “why me, why her, why our family Lord!?”
Only, that’s not proper – I should have been doing that the day of the funeral right?
Well, I do have those feelings sometimes – but it’s really strange how it all happens.
This has been a tough week for me. There is no particular reason. I love my job. I feel like I get to see my boys more. Everything is fine at home (except for the fact that I can’t keep up with the laundry and my house looks like a tornado hit it). Everything seems perfect. I am happy!
Only, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve got out of bed this week and had to force myself to be ok with being able to get out of bed. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wanted to stay in bed – or better yet, find the deepest, darkest hole to climb into. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve prayed to God to help get me through it once again and how many pep-talks I’ve given myself.
Now, at the moment when these feelings arrive I can’t pinpoint any specific feeling that is causing them. That’s the odd thing about anxiety…..the physical feelings come before the emotional ones – or maybe it’s the fact that we fight the emotions for so long that the only way the body can compensate is through the physical.
I get the sensation of my heart racing, I have these strange brain zaps – weird, I know, then I start feeling like I can’t breathe and I either feel like I’m going to faint, throw-up, or die -depending on the severity it takes on my body.
I know, I know, it all sounds like something that I should be able to control. It makes me sound like
a schizophrenic at worst and a hypochondriac at best.
Fact is, I know a little about anxiety and I know that I’m not going to literally die. I know that I’m letting the emotional take the form of the physical…..but yet I haven’t fully learned to master it. Sometimes it still comes in and threatens to overtake everything.
For example, I told you I’ve been battling these feelings all week. There has been no present reason I should be having anxiety. My job is great, my boys are great, my marriage is great. So, when the physical symptoms of anxiety have presented themselves I’ve tried to push it further and further into the back of my mind. I haven’t dealt with it at all
………..until last night…………..
Last night it consumed me. I didn’t try to cover it up, I didn’t try to pretend my body wasn’t telling
me something. I just let it happen. I cried….. a lot. I felt the loss of Zeta. I felt the inadequate feelings of the time I lost as a mother with my boys. I felt the inadequate feeling of having to learn new things in a new place in a new job. I felt those feelings. I thought about similar feelings and experiences I’ve had at other times in my life. I just…..felt. I let it happen and I let it be.
When you deal with anxiety that is the best thing to do. That’s why people pay big bucks for therapy. You seek the catharsis of actually feeling your feelings – no matter how scary. “Feeling” anything is what we continually run away from, but I wonder if it is the only way God can really help us.
We can pray for God to take the physical pain and feelings of the anxiety away, but until we realize where it comes from we can’t talk with Him about it and we can’t deal with it. If we’re continually trying to hide from ourselves then we’re also hiding from God. God knows and sees everything, but we are instructed to be open and not hide. I think that’s part of the free will God gives us.
Now, I’m sure this whole post will have some people walking on egg shells around me and wondering if I’m really alright…….and right now, I really am……That’s another strange thing about anxiety – sometimes you really are perfectly ok and you feel ok and everything is in harmony. It’s just those moments you seem to get blind-sided by the physical part that are so crazy!
Everybody has a story, everybody experiences pain. I think most people try to create the façade that everything is ok and that’s perfectly fine – as a matter of fact I think that at most times we should try to see the best in everything and make interactions with others positive…….but – BUT if you are hurting, if you are dealing with pain, if you feel inadequate, if you struggle and think no one understands your pain. Talk to someone. Talk to God. Talk to your pastor. Talk to a trusted friend. Find a way to deal with those feelings. Find a counselor or therapist – they are basically like a paid friend that has to keep your feelings in confidence. No matter what you do – DEAL with the feelings. PRAY about it! Regardless of how insignificant you think your pain may be – it is still YOUR pain and someone can relate and God can heal!
life again
Life.
I talk about it a lot.
I’ve also talked about my walk with anxiety. That strange relationship I have with her and how she can rear her ugly head any time she pleases.
I know I sound a little like Sybil (you know, the lady with multiple personalities).
I’ve found that it was a little easier to talk about anxiety when I felt there was kind of a reason for me to feel anxious. I put it all out there about the day I really broke down and all the feelings I had leading to that moment. I told you about how at one minute everything could seem perfectly fine and then the next minute it all seems to want to fall apart.
What I haven’t told you is how it creeps into my “normal” life too.
You see, when you’re the parent of a child with numerous medical needs people kind of expect you to lose it at some point or another. You wouldn’t believe how many comments I got about how people were so impressed that I kept it together for so long.
When you’re the parent that loses a child you’re still given the opportunity to lose it and break down without reason and without cause at any time…….
…but perhaps when the grieving ‘grace period’ is over you feel like you need to suck it up and move on…….
I mean everybody has problems, right?
I mean I could sit and grumble and moan and groan and fall in the floor and whine and continuously
shout “why me, why her, why our family Lord!?”
Only, that’s not proper – I should have been doing that the day of the funeral right?
Well, I do have those feelings sometimes – but it’s really strange how it all happens.
This has been a tough week for me. There is no particular reason. I love my job. I feel like I get to see my boys more. Everything is fine at home (except for the fact that I can’t keep up with the laundry and my house looks like a tornado hit it). Everything seems perfect. I am happy!
Only, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve got out of bed this week and had to force myself to be ok with being able to get out of bed. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wanted to stay in bed – or better yet, find the deepest, darkest hole to climb into. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve prayed to God to help get me through it once again and how many pep-talks I’ve given myself.
Now, at the moment when these feelings arrive I can’t pinpoint any specific feeling that is causing them. That’s the odd thing about anxiety…..the physical feelings come before the emotional ones – or maybe it’s the fact that we fight the emotions for so long that the only way the body can compensate is through the physical.
I get the sensation of my heart racing, I have these strange brain zaps – weird, I know, then I start feeling like I can’t breathe and I either feel like I’m going to faint, throw-up, or die -depending on the severity it takes on my body.
I know, I know, it all sounds like something that I should be able to control. It makes me sound like
a schizophrenic at worst and a hypochondriac at best.
Fact is, I know a little about anxiety and I know that I’m not going to literally die. I know that I’m letting the emotional take the form of the physical…..but yet I haven’t fully learned to master it. Sometimes it still comes in and threatens to overtake everything.
For example, I told you I’ve been battling these feelings all week. There has been no present reason I should be having anxiety. My job is great, my boys are great, my marriage is great. So, when the physical symptoms of anxiety have presented themselves I’ve tried to push it further and further into the back of my mind. I haven’t dealt with it at all
………..until last night…………..
Last night it consumed me. I didn’t try to cover it up, I didn’t try to pretend my body wasn’t telling
me something. I just let it happen. I cried….. a lot. I felt the loss of Zeta. I felt the inadequate feelings of the time I lost as a mother with my boys. I felt the inadequate feeling of having to learn new things in a new place in a new job. I felt those feelings. I thought about similar feelings and experiences I’ve had at other times in my life. I just…..felt. I let it happen and I let it be.
When you deal with anxiety that is the best thing to do. That’s why people pay big bucks for therapy. You seek the catharsis of actually feeling your feelings – no matter how scary. “Feeling” anything is what we continually run away from, but I wonder if it is the only way God can really help us.
We can pray for God to take the physical pain and feelings of the anxiety away, but until we realize where it comes from we can’t talk with Him about it and we can’t deal with it. If we’re continually trying to hide from ourselves then we’re also hiding from God. God knows and sees everything, but we are instructed to be open and not hide. I think that’s part of the free will God gives us.
Now, I’m sure this whole post will have some people walking on egg shells around me and wondering if I’m really alright…….and right now, I really am……That’s another strange thing about anxiety – sometimes you really are perfectly ok and you feel ok and everything is in harmony. It’s just those moments you seem to get blind-sided by the physical part that are so crazy!
Everybody has a story, everybody experiences pain. I think most people try to create the façade that everything is ok and that’s perfectly fine – as a matter of fact I think that at most times we should try to see the best in everything and make interactions with others positive…….but – BUT if you are hurting, if you are dealing with pain, if you feel inadequate, if you struggle and think no one understands your pain. Talk to someone. Talk to God. Talk to your pastor. Talk to a trusted friend. Find a way to deal with those feelings. Find a counselor or therapist – they are basically like a paid friend that has to keep your feelings in confidence. No matter what you do – DEAL with the feelings. PRAY about it! Regardless of how insignificant you think your pain may be – it is still YOUR pain and someone can relate and God can heal!
I talk about it a lot.
I’ve also talked about my walk with anxiety. That strange relationship I have with her and how she can rear her ugly head any time she pleases.
I know I sound a little like Sybil (you know, the lady with multiple personalities).
I’ve found that it was a little easier to talk about anxiety when I felt there was kind of a reason for me to feel anxious. I put it all out there about the day I really broke down and all the feelings I had leading to that moment. I told you about how at one minute everything could seem perfectly fine and then the next minute it all seems to want to fall apart.
What I haven’t told you is how it creeps into my “normal” life too.
You see, when you’re the parent of a child with numerous medical needs people kind of expect you to lose it at some point or another. You wouldn’t believe how many comments I got about how people were so impressed that I kept it together for so long.
When you’re the parent that loses a child you’re still given the opportunity to lose it and break down without reason and without cause at any time…….
…but perhaps when the grieving ‘grace period’ is over you feel like you need to suck it up and move on…….
I mean everybody has problems, right?
I mean I could sit and grumble and moan and groan and fall in the floor and whine and continuously
shout “why me, why her, why our family Lord!?”
Only, that’s not proper – I should have been doing that the day of the funeral right?
Well, I do have those feelings sometimes – but it’s really strange how it all happens.
This has been a tough week for me. There is no particular reason. I love my job. I feel like I get to see my boys more. Everything is fine at home (except for the fact that I can’t keep up with the laundry and my house looks like a tornado hit it). Everything seems perfect. I am happy!
Only, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve got out of bed this week and had to force myself to be ok with being able to get out of bed. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wanted to stay in bed – or better yet, find the deepest, darkest hole to climb into. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve prayed to God to help get me through it once again and how many pep-talks I’ve given myself.
Now, at the moment when these feelings arrive I can’t pinpoint any specific feeling that is causing them. That’s the odd thing about anxiety…..the physical feelings come before the emotional ones – or maybe it’s the fact that we fight the emotions for so long that the only way the body can compensate is through the physical.
I get the sensation of my heart racing, I have these strange brain zaps – weird, I know, then I start feeling like I can’t breathe and I either feel like I’m going to faint, throw-up, or die -depending on the severity it takes on my body.
I know, I know, it all sounds like something that I should be able to control. It makes me sound like
a schizophrenic at worst and a hypochondriac at best.
Fact is, I know a little about anxiety and I know that I’m not going to literally die. I know that I’m letting the emotional take the form of the physical…..but yet I haven’t fully learned to master it. Sometimes it still comes in and threatens to overtake everything.
For example, I told you I’ve been battling these feelings all week. There has been no present reason I should be having anxiety. My job is great, my boys are great, my marriage is great. So, when the physical symptoms of anxiety have presented themselves I’ve tried to push it further and further into the back of my mind. I haven’t dealt with it at all
………..until last night…………..
Last night it consumed me. I didn’t try to cover it up, I didn’t try to pretend my body wasn’t telling
me something. I just let it happen. I cried….. a lot. I felt the loss of Zeta. I felt the inadequate feelings of the time I lost as a mother with my boys. I felt the inadequate feeling of having to learn new things in a new place in a new job. I felt those feelings. I thought about similar feelings and experiences I’ve had at other times in my life. I just…..felt. I let it happen and I let it be.
When you deal with anxiety that is the best thing to do. That’s why people pay big bucks for therapy. You seek the catharsis of actually feeling your feelings – no matter how scary. “Feeling” anything is what we continually run away from, but I wonder if it is the only way God can really help us.
We can pray for God to take the physical pain and feelings of the anxiety away, but until we realize where it comes from we can’t talk with Him about it and we can’t deal with it. If we’re continually trying to hide from ourselves then we’re also hiding from God. God knows and sees everything, but we are instructed to be open and not hide. I think that’s part of the free will God gives us.
Now, I’m sure this whole post will have some people walking on egg shells around me and wondering if I’m really alright…….and right now, I really am……That’s another strange thing about anxiety – sometimes you really are perfectly ok and you feel ok and everything is in harmony. It’s just those moments you seem to get blind-sided by the physical part that are so crazy!
Everybody has a story, everybody experiences pain. I think most people try to create the façade that everything is ok and that’s perfectly fine – as a matter of fact I think that at most times we should try to see the best in everything and make interactions with others positive…….but – BUT if you are hurting, if you are dealing with pain, if you feel inadequate, if you struggle and think no one understands your pain. Talk to someone. Talk to God. Talk to your pastor. Talk to a trusted friend. Find a way to deal with those feelings. Find a counselor or therapist – they are basically like a paid friend that has to keep your feelings in confidence. No matter what you do – DEAL with the feelings. PRAY about it! Regardless of how insignificant you think your pain may be – it is still YOUR pain and someone can relate and God can heal!
Saturday, September 7, 2013
Where's the passion?
Ever wonder how it seems some people have life all figured out?
I mean some people, despite any situation they are in, seem to have it all under control.
Some people have a passion in them that exceeds my human understanding.
I have two theories on this:
1) Some people think they know everything and just don't care what anyone else thinks (I think this is one of the highest forms of insecurity, by the way)
2) Some people believe that no one else has really figured out the secret to life and they just jump right in and play along. They're confident enough to believe that it doesn't really matter what "people" think because nothing on earth can be worse than hell.
I would like to pretend that I am in the second group of people here. Sometimes I can pretend really well......to the point that I even make myself believe that I'm confident and capable of anything.
Fact is, I do nothing on my own. I am saved by Jesus Christ and any confidence I can muster comes from Him. Fact is, NOTHING here on earth IS as bad as HELL------------ So, why is it that we can't always be open, honest and sincere?
Why is it that when compared to others we find ourselves feeling insecure?
Why does it seem that someone else always has the better car, the better house, the better kids? Why does it seem like someone else always has more friends, tells better jokes, speaks more eloquently.....or is just plain BETTER?
This is a struggle when we let material things take control of our hearts and minds. It's a struggle when we take our focus off of God.
When we start comparing ourselves to others we lose sight in the fact that we were ALL created in His image. We were created to serve Him and love one another. We were created to spread the love and joy and the message of hope and redemption. We were created to be confident and capable.....while at the same time remaining humble.
Only......... sin prevents us from our purpose. Simply being human keeps us from our purpose.
Want to know the secret to life? Look in the Bible. Listen to God. Stop and actually remember and count EVERY single blessing in your life. Did you wake up this morning? Blessing number 1. Don't believe that's a blessing? Well, it's one more day you have to see your spouse, your child, the beach-----whatever it is that motivates you. Are you able to walk, talk, eat and breathe? If you stop and look at all the suffering in our world you'll see how fortunate you really are......try having a child with numerous medical needs and you will quickly understand how many things we take for granted and how much of a blessing it is that every part of the human body is perfectly formed to do the things we need it to do in order to just open our eyes in the morning.
I wish I could say that I know, understand, and live the secret of life. I think I have SOME clue simply because I know that when my focus is truly on Him I am able to face the most unimaginable circumstances. Sadly, through everything I've learned I still fumble and try to rely on my own resources.
Where's our passion?
I want to be one of those people that people look at and say, "Wow, she really does have it figured out. She has peace, understanding, compassion, love..........."
Thing is, I think there is a fine line in wanting to be that person and then becoming prideful in being that person.....then you lose it all again.........
Not making much sense? or am I?
I want to figure out how to ignite passion in others. I want to figure out how to make everyone see their own potential. I want us all to "figure out life."
What I'm saying here is kind of like "once I was blind, but now I see." So many times, I've tried to rely on my own understanding. During those times, I am scared, nervous and insecure. When I give it to God, I only see my purpose. The purpose to love and serve and tell everyone else about the peace of understanding......about the confidence, capability and peace that comes with having pure faith.
I feel best when I can shed the mask of insecurity. I've learned over the past few years that I feel better after exposing my own vulnerabilities. I can tell you that it takes a heck of a lot of practice and sometimes a lot of self-persuasion, but in the end once I let go of the vulnerabilities and actually get my feelings out there I feel cleansed. There is something very liberating, while at the same time very frightening, about vulnerability.
Being vulnerable is letting the world see the purest form of our souls. When we put down the masks and put down our guards we let others peer through the windows of our souls. It is a scary feeling---------until that 'one' person relates. Until, you understand that there are so many people out there looking to feel validated......people looking for purpose and trying to find hope..... just like you....just like me..... When we tear down the walls we are open to so many opportunities. When we are vulnerable we find confidence in just BEING....we find confidence in what we were CREATED to do.
Is it an easy thing? By no means........
Is it worth it? All the time!
Do we always do it? No, I do believe it is one of the most difficult things to do........but oh how wonderful it would be if we could all always love and serve and share in truth. What if we all knew how to stir the passions that lie within us? What if we all understood and followed the secret to life?
I mean some people, despite any situation they are in, seem to have it all under control.
Some people have a passion in them that exceeds my human understanding.
I have two theories on this:
1) Some people think they know everything and just don't care what anyone else thinks (I think this is one of the highest forms of insecurity, by the way)
2) Some people believe that no one else has really figured out the secret to life and they just jump right in and play along. They're confident enough to believe that it doesn't really matter what "people" think because nothing on earth can be worse than hell.
I would like to pretend that I am in the second group of people here. Sometimes I can pretend really well......to the point that I even make myself believe that I'm confident and capable of anything.
Fact is, I do nothing on my own. I am saved by Jesus Christ and any confidence I can muster comes from Him. Fact is, NOTHING here on earth IS as bad as HELL------------ So, why is it that we can't always be open, honest and sincere?
Why is it that when compared to others we find ourselves feeling insecure?
Why does it seem that someone else always has the better car, the better house, the better kids? Why does it seem like someone else always has more friends, tells better jokes, speaks more eloquently.....or is just plain BETTER?
This is a struggle when we let material things take control of our hearts and minds. It's a struggle when we take our focus off of God.
When we start comparing ourselves to others we lose sight in the fact that we were ALL created in His image. We were created to serve Him and love one another. We were created to spread the love and joy and the message of hope and redemption. We were created to be confident and capable.....while at the same time remaining humble.
Only......... sin prevents us from our purpose. Simply being human keeps us from our purpose.
Want to know the secret to life? Look in the Bible. Listen to God. Stop and actually remember and count EVERY single blessing in your life. Did you wake up this morning? Blessing number 1. Don't believe that's a blessing? Well, it's one more day you have to see your spouse, your child, the beach-----whatever it is that motivates you. Are you able to walk, talk, eat and breathe? If you stop and look at all the suffering in our world you'll see how fortunate you really are......try having a child with numerous medical needs and you will quickly understand how many things we take for granted and how much of a blessing it is that every part of the human body is perfectly formed to do the things we need it to do in order to just open our eyes in the morning.
I wish I could say that I know, understand, and live the secret of life. I think I have SOME clue simply because I know that when my focus is truly on Him I am able to face the most unimaginable circumstances. Sadly, through everything I've learned I still fumble and try to rely on my own resources.
Where's our passion?
I want to be one of those people that people look at and say, "Wow, she really does have it figured out. She has peace, understanding, compassion, love..........."
Thing is, I think there is a fine line in wanting to be that person and then becoming prideful in being that person.....then you lose it all again.........
Not making much sense? or am I?
I want to figure out how to ignite passion in others. I want to figure out how to make everyone see their own potential. I want us all to "figure out life."
What I'm saying here is kind of like "once I was blind, but now I see." So many times, I've tried to rely on my own understanding. During those times, I am scared, nervous and insecure. When I give it to God, I only see my purpose. The purpose to love and serve and tell everyone else about the peace of understanding......about the confidence, capability and peace that comes with having pure faith.
I feel best when I can shed the mask of insecurity. I've learned over the past few years that I feel better after exposing my own vulnerabilities. I can tell you that it takes a heck of a lot of practice and sometimes a lot of self-persuasion, but in the end once I let go of the vulnerabilities and actually get my feelings out there I feel cleansed. There is something very liberating, while at the same time very frightening, about vulnerability.
Being vulnerable is letting the world see the purest form of our souls. When we put down the masks and put down our guards we let others peer through the windows of our souls. It is a scary feeling---------until that 'one' person relates. Until, you understand that there are so many people out there looking to feel validated......people looking for purpose and trying to find hope..... just like you....just like me..... When we tear down the walls we are open to so many opportunities. When we are vulnerable we find confidence in just BEING....we find confidence in what we were CREATED to do.
Is it an easy thing? By no means........
Is it worth it? All the time!
Do we always do it? No, I do believe it is one of the most difficult things to do........but oh how wonderful it would be if we could all always love and serve and share in truth. What if we all knew how to stir the passions that lie within us? What if we all understood and followed the secret to life?
Saturday, August 24, 2013
Chapter 4
I’ve often referred to Zeta’s life as a book. I’ve even mentioned that sometimes I would have liked to re-write a few chapters. Over time, I’ve become more at peace about the fact that this is God’s perfect plan and many parts of it make sense -but the human part of me still fails to understand or accept it all………. Since Zeta was 3 at the time she went to be with Jesus I now refer to this phase in our lives as Chapter 4 – Life after Zeta.
Let me tell you a little about how God works.
This summer, just a couple of weeks before school started, I got a call from my old boss, Robbie. He asked if I might be interested in coming to work with him teaching a 4-year old class, if the job became available. I wasn’t looking for a job. I had actually just prayed to God and told Him that if I should be working that the job would literally have to fall in my lap. In my mind, I still needed time to sort out exactly what it was that I should be doing. I figured I would take another year off from work. In the meantime, I would try to figure out exactly what I should be doing….. work to get the Team Zeta name and our mission out there…… work on a book and work on any education or skills I might need to obtain my future job – whatever it would end up being.
Those were my plans.
Well, we know how our own plans sometimes fall.
After talking with Robbie, the job actually did become available. Part of me assumed that maybe this was THE JOB that was falling into my lap. I mean it was a wonderful opportunity. I would get to work with my old boss again. I would be in a small public school with a small class. It seemed pretty good. To tell the truth, I was very nervous. I wanted to want this so much, but it just didn’t feel right. I cried thinking about working with four year olds. I was unsure of how I would react in the classroom with them. Zeta would be 4 in March. Just watching all of these little ones and knowing how much attention they demand and deserve and knowing that my heart was not fully there concerned me. In order to be an effective teacher you can’t just go into a classroom and spill your knowledge. You have to have love and passion for what you are doing. You have to make sure the kids know that your heart is in it – just like your relationship with God. In order to have the best relationship with Him you have to give Him your heart. You can’t guard it because you’ve been hurt or because you feel inadequate……but I digress – Another drawback to applying for this job would be the drive and deciding whether the boys would remain in Barnwell or go to the new school with me. I had a hard time figuring out how to make it work, but I always try to approach situations with a positive attitude so I kept trying to focus on all that was right with this position. One minute I would be almost sure that it was the RIGHT job and then I would be PETRIFIED that it wasn’t. There was a lot of back and forth conversation. I talked with my old boss about it and he was always a supportive voice.
Stay with me here – I know it takes me a long time to tell a story…………
This was all taking place in the time-span of a little less than two weeks before school started. During this time we were on vacation. Steven, my oldest child, has always wanted to go to his friend Kevin’s school because they don’t have school on Fridays. As we were discussing the possibility that the boys may change schools if I were to get a new job Steven kept asking if they could go to Kevin’s school. One day, without thinking I just nonchalantly answered, “Sure, if I go to work at his school then ya’ll can go to there.” There was no thought put into this, except the fact of trying to get him to quit asking me if he could go to that school. It just so happens that right at that moment, Kevin was there. It also just so happens that the Headmaster of that school is his uncle. Soooooooo, Kevin says, “I can get you a job there, my uncle is the principal.” Furthermore, he gets on the phone and proceeds to call his uncle – he also puts the phone on speaker. We were all getting a pretty big kick out of the scenario.
“Uncle Jamee.”
“What Bud?”
“Um, do you have a job for my Aunt Angel? Steven wants to go to my school and Aunt Angel said if you have a job there that he can go there.”
“No. I filled all my positions. Wish I would have known sooner.”
……and we all just laughed and laughed………
Jamee asked to speak to me and asked if I were really looking for a job. I told him no and said that I certainly would not put a 10 year old up to calling if I were!
…..and that was that…….. or so we thought.
Time was ticking and I had decided I would apply for the 4 year old position. I continued to worry and wonder if this was really what was in store for me. I had gone to visit the school and it was pretty wonderful. It was the size of a private school and seemed very cheery. There were moments I was even excited about starting a new adventure…….but there were still many questions in the back of my mind………I kept thinking, God – you have to send me a sign if this isn’t what I’m supposed to do – but you know, God, we had that conversation where I told you that a job would have to literally fall into my lap and I guess if I get this then this is it.
Two days before the interview with what I saw as my future school, I got a call from Jamee, Kevin’s uncle.
“Angel, were you serious about wanting a job?”
“Uh, no. I haven’t been looking and I sure wouldn't put Kevin up to calling and asking you about a job, why ya got something?”
“Well, no – but I’ve been thinking – we don’t have a guidance counselor and I think our school would benefit from one in helping get these kids prepared for college and life after school. I was thinking we would create a position for you. Would you be interested?”
In my mind, I was thinking – well, heck yeah I would be interested – but I’m going for an interview this week and that is supposed to be the job that landed in my lap and private school teachers make even less money than public school teachers and Stevie will never go for this and I’m so pro-public school I may not be accepted back into the private school environment and if I do this then I might not be accepted back into the public school environment if I decide to and…..and……and…..and…..
I can’t tell you how many thoughts flooded my mind.
“I’d probably have you teach a couple of highschool math classes too.”
There was the deal breaker.
No way, no how was I going to teach highschoolers. No way, no how was I going to teach math.
But my mouth opened and replied, “Yes I’m interested.”
He called back the next day to tell me that he had discussed his idea with the board and they were in agreement. Those two days seemed to drag on. I mean, the rest of my life seemed to hang on a decision that I had to make on a time-line. My boys’ lives would be greatly impacted on my decision and our family’s life would most certainly be impacted. We agreed that I would call him back later to let him know. In the meantime, I called my old boss. Of course, I was pretty distraught and told him that he was probably thinking that it was probably a bad idea that he called me in the first place since I was such a raving lunatic……then again, he’s seen me pretty low – my colleagues during the time of my pregnancy with Zeta all did. Those were some scary times….but I’m off topic again. I had no clue what my decision was or should be and I had two people that I had to let know about my decision.
Stevie and I talked. We listed the pros and cons and decided that financially it was a much better move to go forward with the 1st offer and if it didn’t work out then I could call about the 2nd offer and see if they were still interested. I was still uneasy about the whole thing, but I called Jamee and told him that I didn’t know WHAT to tell him……that I THOUGHT I was calling to tell him exactly what we discussed, but then my mouth took over again and I said, “No – I’m very interested and I have an interview at another school in the morning. I feel that professionally I should still go……but then again, I know that I want to be at AJA and that is the best move. Money has never been a guiding factor in my decisions and I’m not going to start now. Yes, I want the job!”
For a moment I felt free and I knew it was the right decision.
Then I hung up the phone and looked at Stevie. Uh-oh. That wasn’t what we had discussed. Then I thought about the fact that I had to call and let Robbie, know about my decision. Oh no! It was very hard feeling like I may be making the wrong financial decision for my family and it was very hard feeling as though I might be letting Robbie down………but in the end I still think it was the RIGHT decision.
I didn’t go to the interview at Robbie’s school. I actually backed out late the night before. I didn’t follow the money – the most reasonable choice. I didn’t follow the first good offer. I followed through on the fact that I asked for a sign and God gave it to me. I followed through on knowing that I made a deal with God. I told Him that if I should be working that the job would have to LITERALLY FALL IN MY LAP. I’m now at Andrew Jackson Academy, working in a job that was CREATED for ME. I feel loved, honored, and secure. I feel that it was the most perfect choice for the BOYS. The small Christian environment is perfect for helping their hearts and minds heal after all they have been through. I feel that I have already gained so much and I have so much to give. I feel I followed God’s plan.
Does that mean that I don’t still worry about whether or not I disappointed Robbie? No. Does it mean that every single thing about my new job will always feel right and perfect? Probably not. Does God always answer our prayers so swiftly? I’m not sure about that one. Does He give us choices and make His plan apparent? I’m pretty sure of it. I’m living proof!
This job gives me the freedom to openly share with students about my faith. It gives me the freedom to see my boys during the day. This job gives me a lot. It gives me time too. Yesterday, I was able to go out and work on Team Zeta’s mission. I was able to go visit another family with special needs children. There have also already been a couple of other days that I’ve had the opportunity to work on spreading Team Zeta’s mission because I have that extra day during the work week. Had I taken the other job I would not have had these opportunities. Yes, it’s still a lot adjusting to a new schedule, a new job, a new school……but it’s good………..I can hold my head high in knowing that my heart is in what I’m doing and that God has a lot more in store for me!
Let me tell you a little about how God works.
This summer, just a couple of weeks before school started, I got a call from my old boss, Robbie. He asked if I might be interested in coming to work with him teaching a 4-year old class, if the job became available. I wasn’t looking for a job. I had actually just prayed to God and told Him that if I should be working that the job would literally have to fall in my lap. In my mind, I still needed time to sort out exactly what it was that I should be doing. I figured I would take another year off from work. In the meantime, I would try to figure out exactly what I should be doing….. work to get the Team Zeta name and our mission out there…… work on a book and work on any education or skills I might need to obtain my future job – whatever it would end up being.
Those were my plans.
Well, we know how our own plans sometimes fall.
After talking with Robbie, the job actually did become available. Part of me assumed that maybe this was THE JOB that was falling into my lap. I mean it was a wonderful opportunity. I would get to work with my old boss again. I would be in a small public school with a small class. It seemed pretty good. To tell the truth, I was very nervous. I wanted to want this so much, but it just didn’t feel right. I cried thinking about working with four year olds. I was unsure of how I would react in the classroom with them. Zeta would be 4 in March. Just watching all of these little ones and knowing how much attention they demand and deserve and knowing that my heart was not fully there concerned me. In order to be an effective teacher you can’t just go into a classroom and spill your knowledge. You have to have love and passion for what you are doing. You have to make sure the kids know that your heart is in it – just like your relationship with God. In order to have the best relationship with Him you have to give Him your heart. You can’t guard it because you’ve been hurt or because you feel inadequate……but I digress – Another drawback to applying for this job would be the drive and deciding whether the boys would remain in Barnwell or go to the new school with me. I had a hard time figuring out how to make it work, but I always try to approach situations with a positive attitude so I kept trying to focus on all that was right with this position. One minute I would be almost sure that it was the RIGHT job and then I would be PETRIFIED that it wasn’t. There was a lot of back and forth conversation. I talked with my old boss about it and he was always a supportive voice.
Stay with me here – I know it takes me a long time to tell a story…………
This was all taking place in the time-span of a little less than two weeks before school started. During this time we were on vacation. Steven, my oldest child, has always wanted to go to his friend Kevin’s school because they don’t have school on Fridays. As we were discussing the possibility that the boys may change schools if I were to get a new job Steven kept asking if they could go to Kevin’s school. One day, without thinking I just nonchalantly answered, “Sure, if I go to work at his school then ya’ll can go to there.” There was no thought put into this, except the fact of trying to get him to quit asking me if he could go to that school. It just so happens that right at that moment, Kevin was there. It also just so happens that the Headmaster of that school is his uncle. Soooooooo, Kevin says, “I can get you a job there, my uncle is the principal.” Furthermore, he gets on the phone and proceeds to call his uncle – he also puts the phone on speaker. We were all getting a pretty big kick out of the scenario.
“Uncle Jamee.”
“What Bud?”
“Um, do you have a job for my Aunt Angel? Steven wants to go to my school and Aunt Angel said if you have a job there that he can go there.”
“No. I filled all my positions. Wish I would have known sooner.”
……and we all just laughed and laughed………
Jamee asked to speak to me and asked if I were really looking for a job. I told him no and said that I certainly would not put a 10 year old up to calling if I were!
…..and that was that…….. or so we thought.
Time was ticking and I had decided I would apply for the 4 year old position. I continued to worry and wonder if this was really what was in store for me. I had gone to visit the school and it was pretty wonderful. It was the size of a private school and seemed very cheery. There were moments I was even excited about starting a new adventure…….but there were still many questions in the back of my mind………I kept thinking, God – you have to send me a sign if this isn’t what I’m supposed to do – but you know, God, we had that conversation where I told you that a job would have to literally fall into my lap and I guess if I get this then this is it.
Two days before the interview with what I saw as my future school, I got a call from Jamee, Kevin’s uncle.
“Angel, were you serious about wanting a job?”
“Uh, no. I haven’t been looking and I sure wouldn't put Kevin up to calling and asking you about a job, why ya got something?”
“Well, no – but I’ve been thinking – we don’t have a guidance counselor and I think our school would benefit from one in helping get these kids prepared for college and life after school. I was thinking we would create a position for you. Would you be interested?”
In my mind, I was thinking – well, heck yeah I would be interested – but I’m going for an interview this week and that is supposed to be the job that landed in my lap and private school teachers make even less money than public school teachers and Stevie will never go for this and I’m so pro-public school I may not be accepted back into the private school environment and if I do this then I might not be accepted back into the public school environment if I decide to and…..and……and…..and…..
I can’t tell you how many thoughts flooded my mind.
“I’d probably have you teach a couple of highschool math classes too.”
There was the deal breaker.
No way, no how was I going to teach highschoolers. No way, no how was I going to teach math.
But my mouth opened and replied, “Yes I’m interested.”
He called back the next day to tell me that he had discussed his idea with the board and they were in agreement. Those two days seemed to drag on. I mean, the rest of my life seemed to hang on a decision that I had to make on a time-line. My boys’ lives would be greatly impacted on my decision and our family’s life would most certainly be impacted. We agreed that I would call him back later to let him know. In the meantime, I called my old boss. Of course, I was pretty distraught and told him that he was probably thinking that it was probably a bad idea that he called me in the first place since I was such a raving lunatic……then again, he’s seen me pretty low – my colleagues during the time of my pregnancy with Zeta all did. Those were some scary times….but I’m off topic again. I had no clue what my decision was or should be and I had two people that I had to let know about my decision.
Stevie and I talked. We listed the pros and cons and decided that financially it was a much better move to go forward with the 1st offer and if it didn’t work out then I could call about the 2nd offer and see if they were still interested. I was still uneasy about the whole thing, but I called Jamee and told him that I didn’t know WHAT to tell him……that I THOUGHT I was calling to tell him exactly what we discussed, but then my mouth took over again and I said, “No – I’m very interested and I have an interview at another school in the morning. I feel that professionally I should still go……but then again, I know that I want to be at AJA and that is the best move. Money has never been a guiding factor in my decisions and I’m not going to start now. Yes, I want the job!”
For a moment I felt free and I knew it was the right decision.
Then I hung up the phone and looked at Stevie. Uh-oh. That wasn’t what we had discussed. Then I thought about the fact that I had to call and let Robbie, know about my decision. Oh no! It was very hard feeling like I may be making the wrong financial decision for my family and it was very hard feeling as though I might be letting Robbie down………but in the end I still think it was the RIGHT decision.
I didn’t go to the interview at Robbie’s school. I actually backed out late the night before. I didn’t follow the money – the most reasonable choice. I didn’t follow the first good offer. I followed through on the fact that I asked for a sign and God gave it to me. I followed through on knowing that I made a deal with God. I told Him that if I should be working that the job would have to LITERALLY FALL IN MY LAP. I’m now at Andrew Jackson Academy, working in a job that was CREATED for ME. I feel loved, honored, and secure. I feel that it was the most perfect choice for the BOYS. The small Christian environment is perfect for helping their hearts and minds heal after all they have been through. I feel that I have already gained so much and I have so much to give. I feel I followed God’s plan.
Does that mean that I don’t still worry about whether or not I disappointed Robbie? No. Does it mean that every single thing about my new job will always feel right and perfect? Probably not. Does God always answer our prayers so swiftly? I’m not sure about that one. Does He give us choices and make His plan apparent? I’m pretty sure of it. I’m living proof!
This job gives me the freedom to openly share with students about my faith. It gives me the freedom to see my boys during the day. This job gives me a lot. It gives me time too. Yesterday, I was able to go out and work on Team Zeta’s mission. I was able to go visit another family with special needs children. There have also already been a couple of other days that I’ve had the opportunity to work on spreading Team Zeta’s mission because I have that extra day during the work week. Had I taken the other job I would not have had these opportunities. Yes, it’s still a lot adjusting to a new schedule, a new job, a new school……but it’s good………..I can hold my head high in knowing that my heart is in what I’m doing and that God has a lot more in store for me!
Monday, July 15, 2013
Here goes nothing
I still feel as though I'm going to throw up as I type this post.
You see, yesterday was a super-emotional day for me. I knew it time I opened my eyes just before 5am. I was restless and could not sleep. My body physically ached. I already knew I was going to hate the world for the day and I could not go to sleep and I could not quit crying. I could feel my heart trying to get out of my chest. My hands were numb. My head throbbed. I did not want anyone to touch me, talk to me or even look at me.
Thankfully, Stevie and the boys were all still safely tucked into bed.
For a while I just tried to keep busy. I wasn't actually FEELING anything. I didn't WANT to feel anything. I just wanted to be. It's much easier to stay numb than to accept your feelings......only my body was not having anymore of the shutting down yesterday. I tried as hard as I could to fight it.....but my feelings wanted out.....or rather - I think that I needed to ALLOW myself to feel. It was just one of those days.
I will attempt to explain this - which it may all sound rather odd because even to me it sounds strange when I think it.........
Regardless, it is what has been going on in my world the past few days.
You see, when Zeta went to be with Jesus (or whatever term you choose to use - I find that I still have not decided on how I best like to say any of that) I focused on the fact that she was no longer struggling and the fact that she was healed - I see a strong parallel between that time and the time when she was trached....I hated for her to have to depend on machines for life, but she was no longer struggling and no longer miserable. My faith ABSOLUTELY kept me from going nuts. Looking at it now, I see exactly how I was CARRIED through that whole time. Thinking about the days that followed Zeta's death - I was not the one walking and talking and speaking - It was God and only Him. I could not have had that type of strength.
Well, I guess the past few days has been leading up to me relying on my own strength or perhaps just God letting me get in touch with myself and reminding me that I am human and that I will always need him - I'm not sure exactly what is going on, but I have definitely been in touch with my feelings and I've definitely been counting my blessings as I feel the pain.
After Zeta died I did see her in the casket - briefly....and that was my choice. She looked like an angel in her white dress and bow. She was peaceful. She had no machines and she lay there- like a doll. I've always hated when people talk about how good dead people look.....and right now I hate adding MY CHILD to the list of DEAD people.....only that's just it - her body IS dead. Anyway, I went to the funeral home, saw her body - and that was that. In my mind that was it. She was gone - her soul was in heaven. She was free, she was healed. She would never suffer again. In my thought processes again I don't think I ever gave another thought to her physical body.
You know, a lot of people spend a lot of time at the cemetery after a loved one dies. They go there to visit their loved one. They talk to their loved one - I suppose they feel most connected to their loved one at the place where their body rests. I thought for sure I would be one of those people. I know that Stevie visits Zeta's graveside every morning and every evening on his way to and from work and we have visited some together.......but for me, well, I don't know....I go there - but it is not my daily mission to make it there and if I miss it sometimes I don't even give it a second thought. I've never felt connected to her there. It's just a plot of dirt and some flowers. I've never thought of her being there.
Well, I went to the cemetery with Stevie Saturday morning. I guess maybe it was the first time I heard him speak out loud to her there, I'm not even sure- but it ABSOLUTELY broke my heart. Something in me dropped and it was like I realized for the first time that my baby's body is there - in the ground - lifeless. I went back and replayed the graveside service over and over in my mind. Yes I saw the vault lowered in the ground. I knew that vault contained the casket that had just left the church and I also knew that casket contained the body of my little girl that I had seen at the funeral home, BUT during the service what I kept most in my mind was that my baby no longer suffered. That what lay there in that vault was merely a shell- just like a doll baby. MY baby had already departed from earth - the funeral was for us - the ones who stayed behind and it was a celebration of her life and all the lessons we learned from this dear sweet baby. I was not mourning the dead body of my child at her funeral. I was remembering every miracle we witnessed, every blessing she helped us enjoy and relishing in the fact that she was no longer suffering. That is what saved me in the days after she died.
Well, yesterday.........for some reason, yesterday was just hard. I'm not sure if it was the devil or God or both working on my heart. I'm human. I know this.....but - I ALWAYS want to feel the PEACE that God blessed me with during the times that I would have fallen if I had been left to my own devices. The PEACE that God provides transcends anything that I would dare to even attempt to describe. We ALL have the ability to tap that peace. I can say that it's simple because all you have to do is BELIEVE - but I know, from experience, that for most people it takes being stripped of any of your own power, thoughts, or control in order to fully experience that peace ----and trust me, I know it is not always a pleasant experience that gets you there.
There are 3 things that have consumed my mind lately - 1) What is it that I should be doing with my life 2) Am I truly giving my boys the love and attention they deserve and 3)Am I coping with Zeta's death in a normal way....will I take a hard fall again.... am I learning what I should gain from it......and how do I make other people understand what I've experienced through God's mercy and why did it take so much for me to get to the point to even care this much?
Well, of course everywhere I look now I find answers to my questions, but sometimes I find more questions instead. I can almost always draw a parallel to the things I've learned and how my faith has grown and relate it to almost anything at all. There are times I feel like I should be standing up shouting about my experiences but I don't want to be labeled as the crazy nut who lost her mind after her kid died (yes, harsh words but it's how we tend to think sometimes, right?)
I don't even know where I'm going with all this except that my heart has been so heavy. I woke up mad and sad and angry yesterday. I went to church hoping no one would say anything to me or even look at me - I really wanted to stay home. I sat through Sunday School and then opened my mouth to make a correlation of my life with the lesson and ended up crying....then I sat through church with tears streaming even as the first song played.....and our preacher preached on giving yourself fully to God and following what it is that he wants you to do (fully and with all of your heart)- all I could think was, well if I knew WHAT it was that He wanted me to do then maybe I could do it......then in the back of my mind something is telling me what I (might) need to do (which kind of misses the whole point of his sermon if I say MAYBE or MIGHT), but I don't know if it's God or me or some other force because it really seems unimaginable, unattainable and if I didn't have the slightest concern that God may be pulling me that way I would dare say it would be a STUPID idea to even think that I would be called in such a direction.
Oh, well - I could go on for forever about my feelings yesterday. Mad at the fact that my baby's body lies in the ground 3 miles from my house. Sad at the fact that I miss her. Blessed at the feeling that we had 3 years to love her. Concern that my boys know how very much I love them. Confused at the fact that I still don't have direction in my life. Hopeful that I know that things will get better - remember, my FAITH covers that.......and calmer because I've got some of it out of my system now.
Today may not be a save the day world for me, but I'll rest and we'll see what He gives me to do when I get up!
You see, yesterday was a super-emotional day for me. I knew it time I opened my eyes just before 5am. I was restless and could not sleep. My body physically ached. I already knew I was going to hate the world for the day and I could not go to sleep and I could not quit crying. I could feel my heart trying to get out of my chest. My hands were numb. My head throbbed. I did not want anyone to touch me, talk to me or even look at me.
Thankfully, Stevie and the boys were all still safely tucked into bed.
For a while I just tried to keep busy. I wasn't actually FEELING anything. I didn't WANT to feel anything. I just wanted to be. It's much easier to stay numb than to accept your feelings......only my body was not having anymore of the shutting down yesterday. I tried as hard as I could to fight it.....but my feelings wanted out.....or rather - I think that I needed to ALLOW myself to feel. It was just one of those days.
I will attempt to explain this - which it may all sound rather odd because even to me it sounds strange when I think it.........
Regardless, it is what has been going on in my world the past few days.
You see, when Zeta went to be with Jesus (or whatever term you choose to use - I find that I still have not decided on how I best like to say any of that) I focused on the fact that she was no longer struggling and the fact that she was healed - I see a strong parallel between that time and the time when she was trached....I hated for her to have to depend on machines for life, but she was no longer struggling and no longer miserable. My faith ABSOLUTELY kept me from going nuts. Looking at it now, I see exactly how I was CARRIED through that whole time. Thinking about the days that followed Zeta's death - I was not the one walking and talking and speaking - It was God and only Him. I could not have had that type of strength.
Well, I guess the past few days has been leading up to me relying on my own strength or perhaps just God letting me get in touch with myself and reminding me that I am human and that I will always need him - I'm not sure exactly what is going on, but I have definitely been in touch with my feelings and I've definitely been counting my blessings as I feel the pain.
After Zeta died I did see her in the casket - briefly....and that was my choice. She looked like an angel in her white dress and bow. She was peaceful. She had no machines and she lay there- like a doll. I've always hated when people talk about how good dead people look.....and right now I hate adding MY CHILD to the list of DEAD people.....only that's just it - her body IS dead. Anyway, I went to the funeral home, saw her body - and that was that. In my mind that was it. She was gone - her soul was in heaven. She was free, she was healed. She would never suffer again. In my thought processes again I don't think I ever gave another thought to her physical body.
You know, a lot of people spend a lot of time at the cemetery after a loved one dies. They go there to visit their loved one. They talk to their loved one - I suppose they feel most connected to their loved one at the place where their body rests. I thought for sure I would be one of those people. I know that Stevie visits Zeta's graveside every morning and every evening on his way to and from work and we have visited some together.......but for me, well, I don't know....I go there - but it is not my daily mission to make it there and if I miss it sometimes I don't even give it a second thought. I've never felt connected to her there. It's just a plot of dirt and some flowers. I've never thought of her being there.
Well, I went to the cemetery with Stevie Saturday morning. I guess maybe it was the first time I heard him speak out loud to her there, I'm not even sure- but it ABSOLUTELY broke my heart. Something in me dropped and it was like I realized for the first time that my baby's body is there - in the ground - lifeless. I went back and replayed the graveside service over and over in my mind. Yes I saw the vault lowered in the ground. I knew that vault contained the casket that had just left the church and I also knew that casket contained the body of my little girl that I had seen at the funeral home, BUT during the service what I kept most in my mind was that my baby no longer suffered. That what lay there in that vault was merely a shell- just like a doll baby. MY baby had already departed from earth - the funeral was for us - the ones who stayed behind and it was a celebration of her life and all the lessons we learned from this dear sweet baby. I was not mourning the dead body of my child at her funeral. I was remembering every miracle we witnessed, every blessing she helped us enjoy and relishing in the fact that she was no longer suffering. That is what saved me in the days after she died.
Well, yesterday.........for some reason, yesterday was just hard. I'm not sure if it was the devil or God or both working on my heart. I'm human. I know this.....but - I ALWAYS want to feel the PEACE that God blessed me with during the times that I would have fallen if I had been left to my own devices. The PEACE that God provides transcends anything that I would dare to even attempt to describe. We ALL have the ability to tap that peace. I can say that it's simple because all you have to do is BELIEVE - but I know, from experience, that for most people it takes being stripped of any of your own power, thoughts, or control in order to fully experience that peace ----and trust me, I know it is not always a pleasant experience that gets you there.
There are 3 things that have consumed my mind lately - 1) What is it that I should be doing with my life 2) Am I truly giving my boys the love and attention they deserve and 3)Am I coping with Zeta's death in a normal way....will I take a hard fall again.... am I learning what I should gain from it......and how do I make other people understand what I've experienced through God's mercy and why did it take so much for me to get to the point to even care this much?
Well, of course everywhere I look now I find answers to my questions, but sometimes I find more questions instead. I can almost always draw a parallel to the things I've learned and how my faith has grown and relate it to almost anything at all. There are times I feel like I should be standing up shouting about my experiences but I don't want to be labeled as the crazy nut who lost her mind after her kid died (yes, harsh words but it's how we tend to think sometimes, right?)
I don't even know where I'm going with all this except that my heart has been so heavy. I woke up mad and sad and angry yesterday. I went to church hoping no one would say anything to me or even look at me - I really wanted to stay home. I sat through Sunday School and then opened my mouth to make a correlation of my life with the lesson and ended up crying....then I sat through church with tears streaming even as the first song played.....and our preacher preached on giving yourself fully to God and following what it is that he wants you to do (fully and with all of your heart)- all I could think was, well if I knew WHAT it was that He wanted me to do then maybe I could do it......then in the back of my mind something is telling me what I (might) need to do (which kind of misses the whole point of his sermon if I say MAYBE or MIGHT), but I don't know if it's God or me or some other force because it really seems unimaginable, unattainable and if I didn't have the slightest concern that God may be pulling me that way I would dare say it would be a STUPID idea to even think that I would be called in such a direction.
Oh, well - I could go on for forever about my feelings yesterday. Mad at the fact that my baby's body lies in the ground 3 miles from my house. Sad at the fact that I miss her. Blessed at the feeling that we had 3 years to love her. Concern that my boys know how very much I love them. Confused at the fact that I still don't have direction in my life. Hopeful that I know that things will get better - remember, my FAITH covers that.......and calmer because I've got some of it out of my system now.
Today may not be a save the day world for me, but I'll rest and we'll see what He gives me to do when I get up!
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
Giving up or Giving hope?
I think I can honestly say that I've been blessed to be pretty optimistic most of my life (well except for those crazy middle school years, maybe!)
I think about this a lot because there are people close to me who struggle with a not so positive outlook on life.
Honestly, I think we all struggle at some time. I know that I've had my fill. I'm pretty open about counseling and medication (at times). I fought the medication issue, within myself, up until my break a little over a year ago. I even took myself off of it for a few months. Unfortunately, it wasn't meant for me to give it up yet. I have a friend that believes anti-depressants should be in the drinking water.....and if you look around sometimes I can't say that I would blame her too much.
Sometimes, the battle is within and we have to make the choice on whether or not we will see the good. We have to CHOOSE to battle the demon - in actuality, if we're going to succeed we must always CHOOSE to fight it. Only, sometimes it is not easy - AT ALL.
Yes, we have choices....and yes, it does seem easier for people who have a generally optimistic outlook on life- but what about those that are struggling to make the choice to be happy but still have a tremendous amount of trouble doing so. How do we help those people?
How do we witness and how do we keep encouraging? It's easy to just give up and say, "Well, you're just so negative there's no use!" ..........but is that what we're supposed to do?
What if God said, "Well you just keep sinning so I think I'm going to take back my gift of Salvation." That would be a pretty hard pill to swallow......because we don't always purposely sin. In fact, if you ask anyone I'm pretty sure they would tell you that they NEVER purposely sin - but I don't believe that's true. I mean, have you ever stretched the truth to save someone's feelings?
I've been accused of not knowing about depression because I have a generally happy outlook on life. Trust me, my friend, if I don't know a little about depression then I certainly know a lot about pain. I know that it takes a tremendous amount of effort just to get out of the bed sometimes and I know that I physically ache and can't breathe sometimes. I know that there are moments when, out of no where, I hear that voice that tells me I'm not good enough or that my search to be happy is stupid or that I should just give up.........I've had those very true feelings.
Fortunately they are mostly fleeting.
But, what do we do to help others who live in that constant battle of emotion?
How do we help them?
I have a friend who, to me, is about as true a testament to the hands and feet of God as I have ever witnessed. Sometimes, it's to the point where I say in my head, "really, how can you really still be so perky and happy - doesn't anything ever get to you?" .....but I know she has moments too - thing is, she is an encourager and I know that if I am down she is going to do her best to bring me up....and I know she does it by the Grace of God.
that is the kind of person I want to be...........
What about you?
I think about this a lot because there are people close to me who struggle with a not so positive outlook on life.
Honestly, I think we all struggle at some time. I know that I've had my fill. I'm pretty open about counseling and medication (at times). I fought the medication issue, within myself, up until my break a little over a year ago. I even took myself off of it for a few months. Unfortunately, it wasn't meant for me to give it up yet. I have a friend that believes anti-depressants should be in the drinking water.....and if you look around sometimes I can't say that I would blame her too much.
Sometimes, the battle is within and we have to make the choice on whether or not we will see the good. We have to CHOOSE to battle the demon - in actuality, if we're going to succeed we must always CHOOSE to fight it. Only, sometimes it is not easy - AT ALL.
Yes, we have choices....and yes, it does seem easier for people who have a generally optimistic outlook on life- but what about those that are struggling to make the choice to be happy but still have a tremendous amount of trouble doing so. How do we help those people?
How do we witness and how do we keep encouraging? It's easy to just give up and say, "Well, you're just so negative there's no use!" ..........but is that what we're supposed to do?
What if God said, "Well you just keep sinning so I think I'm going to take back my gift of Salvation." That would be a pretty hard pill to swallow......because we don't always purposely sin. In fact, if you ask anyone I'm pretty sure they would tell you that they NEVER purposely sin - but I don't believe that's true. I mean, have you ever stretched the truth to save someone's feelings?
I've been accused of not knowing about depression because I have a generally happy outlook on life. Trust me, my friend, if I don't know a little about depression then I certainly know a lot about pain. I know that it takes a tremendous amount of effort just to get out of the bed sometimes and I know that I physically ache and can't breathe sometimes. I know that there are moments when, out of no where, I hear that voice that tells me I'm not good enough or that my search to be happy is stupid or that I should just give up.........I've had those very true feelings.
Fortunately they are mostly fleeting.
But, what do we do to help others who live in that constant battle of emotion?
How do we help them?
I have a friend who, to me, is about as true a testament to the hands and feet of God as I have ever witnessed. Sometimes, it's to the point where I say in my head, "really, how can you really still be so perky and happy - doesn't anything ever get to you?" .....but I know she has moments too - thing is, she is an encourager and I know that if I am down she is going to do her best to bring me up....and I know she does it by the Grace of God.
that is the kind of person I want to be...........
What about you?
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